Underoath broke up a few years ago, but they got back together for this spring's Rebirth tour. They performed their albums "They're Only Chasing Safety" and "Define The Great Line" in their entirety, which had my high school self freaking out for months ahead of the concert. Ten-ish years ago, TOCS was one of my most played albums.
But there was one problem there: I never really payed much attention to the lyrics. I could scream along, but I never really thought about any meaning. Heck, in the weeks leading up to the concert, I realized I didn't really remember what the lyrics even were for the vast majority of the screamo parts.
With them coming to town, there was no way on earth I was going to show up and not know the words, so I looked them up. The lyrics were much deeper than anything I remembered, (which I've been noticing with several artists lately.)
Along came concert day and I was super excited. I got to spend the day with my littlest sister and meet up with some old friends to rock the night away. We moshed. We screamed. We reveled in the sweat and atmosphere. It was a dream come true.
After the show, one of my friends mentioned that he was supposed to meet the band thanks to a previous run in with Spencer. Being the great friend that I am (or weasel... whatever), I decided to tag along so he wouldn't have to wait alone. (I know John is cracking up reading that. He knows I just wanted to meet the band. Hanging out with him was a bonus.)
We waited for a while while the guys made their way around the small crowd that had gathered by their bus. Eventually, Spencer came back to us with Aaron. John had connected with Spencer while sharing about his suicide prevention project, #ConstantlyPositive, so he caught Aaron up to speed on it and his life. John, aka WhyteLyte wrote his life story into a couple minute long rap, which he performed for the two of them, and it sparked the conversation.
Basically, John's message is taking something bad that has happened to you and using it as an avenue to share about the hope he's found in Jesus and how God can use what other's see as weakness for good. In his case, it's cerebral palsy.
The band went through other challenges and struggles. Aaron said they lived through every word they wrote, but couldn't actually bring themselves to talk about it out loud because of all the shame and guilt. Spencer specifically said, "We wouldn't tell our family about this stuff, but we were able to write about it." That sentence really resonated with me because one of the biggest things that's help me back from talking or writing about what I've been through is knowing my dad would end up reading it and I didn't want him to have to deal with that knowledge. Then Aaron pulled on a thread that had never really occurred to me for some reason. "It was in writing about the struggles that we were able to heal, but not just ourselves. The songs brought healing for those who were going through similar battles. Everyone wants a soapbox, but in order to be on the soapbox, you have to be naked."
Boom.
I had already been feeling like it was time to write my story, but had been trying to chicken out. The enemy wants my voice silenced, but in opening up, it won't just heal me. As much as I'd like to think I'm over some things from years ago, my reaction to some news stories recently showed that it is not really the case. There is a difference between stable and fully healed.
Spencer and Aaron had no idea I had been wrestling with opening up and writing. Just because I know it's time doesn't make diving head first into those hurts any easier. But God used two guys I adored 10 years ago to confirm that I have to open up. Like Autumn said in class in December 2014, "You can be pretty or you can be free." It's time to choose freedom.
So, I'm preparing to let myself fall apart for a few days in June. I can't keep protecting people or my own reputation anymore. There may be a big ol' mob of judgement waiting for me when it's out on display, but if there is one person out there who gets a little strength from my story, then it will be worth it. My past will put my future in a different light for some people, just like reading the lyrics of TOCS with the knowledge of where they were in life at that time completely changes my view of the album. Now, it makes those words even more powerful. Spencer talked about how they've been able to touch people around the world through their music, including people who don't speak English. That's along the same lines of this blog, thanks to the readers around the world who keep checking in. This platform is only the beginning of my impact, which is incredibly frightening to think and type.
Underoath is right... we are all just chasing safety from the hurts of our past. While only God can truly provide the healing, sometimes we have to do a little bit of the ground work to facilitate His movement.
Thanks to Spencer and Aaron for being naked on their soapbox and sharing a few minutes with us after an amazing show.
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