You Never Know What Will Change Your Life: Marking Two Years

The little things are often details we disregard as unimportant, but they really do have the power to completely change your life's direction. A feeling turns into a driver for an action, and next thing you know, your world is completely changed.

A feeling of loneliness sent me to download that dumb app, Tinder, a little over two years ago. Generally, it's a pretty terrible idea, but that's not how my story ended. That app led me to meeting a guy, which led to me going to a cd recording, which opened the door (literally) to returning to God. I was making baby steps back to where I belonged, but didn't have the slightest clue.

I glossed over it in my first "Redhead in Revival" post, but two years ago today, Dustin Smith was recording his "Coming Alive" album. It was on my calendar as three different events, one of them being as a concert involving the guy from Tinder (even though we had stopped pursuing anything more than friendship by then). [side note for clarity's sake: Dustin is not Tinder guy!]. I was meant to walk through the doors of World Revival Church that day and I am so glad I did. It's truly hard to put into words how much my life has changed since then. I'm not the same person I was six months ago, much less 24! 

God has been overwhelmingly good to me, especially lately. I can honestly say I've never been so happy in my life. There is more joy, strength, hope, freedom and stability around me than I know what to do with. He has provided for me at every turn, and I know He isn't going to change. Pastor James was preaching about winning Sunday, and that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I've moved, been blessed with vehicles, seen increase and opportunity at work, met new people, reconnected with old friends, learned new skills to serve at church, I'm sitting here typing this on a new laptop that doesn't have to be plugged in at all times and preparing for a brand new journey. What part of that doesn't scream winning and the faithfulness of God?

I'm not going to lie and say it's been the easiest thing I've ever done. If you've ever read any of my previous posts, you know that's not even remotely true. There has been heartbreak, loss, and struggle after struggle. While hugging Lydia Friday night after service, she said, "I'm really glad you stuck around. You've had every reason to give up and walk away, but you didn't quit." She is 100% correct. I could've walked away a dozen times over by now, but something in me couldn't let go. God isn't done with me yet. Despite everything, I can still look you in the eye and say that God is nothing but good and wants nothing but victory for His children. But think on this: can you really have victory without fighting through a battle? 

I could sit here and ask things like, what if I hadn't swiped right for that one guy, or what if I didn't go to that concert or question some other small step that led me to here, but that's not what I'm going to do. I'm thankful that it all happened, even the rough patches. I know God brought me here with a purpose, and if I skipped those opportunities, He would've opened another door to lead me into His plan. I can't wait to see what little decisions now will have an impact on where I am two years from now. All I know is, it's going to be even better then!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

They're Only Chasing Safety To Find Healing: Chats With Underoath

A conversation has been rolling around my mind for the past couple weeks. Maybe it's because I'm wearing the shirt I bought that night, but I decided to share. I'm sure the other ones involved had no idea that what they were saying was so impactful in that moment because they are rockstars, I mean that seriously. I got to chat with Spencer Chamberlain and Aaron Gillespie from the band Underoath.

Underoath broke up a few years ago, but they got back together for this spring's Rebirth tour. They performed their albums "They're Only Chasing Safety" and "Define The Great Line" in their entirety, which had my high school self freaking out for months ahead of the concert. Ten-ish years ago, TOCS was one of my most played albums.

But there was one problem there: I never really payed much attention to the lyrics. I could scream along, but I never really thought about any meaning. Heck, in the weeks leading up to the concert, I realized I didn't really remember what the lyrics even were for the vast majority of the screamo parts.

With them coming to town, there was no way on earth I was going to show up and not know the words, so I looked them up. The lyrics were much deeper than anything I remembered, (which I've been noticing with several artists lately.)

Along came concert day and I was super excited. I got to spend the day with my littlest sister and meet up with some old friends to rock the night away. We moshed. We screamed. We reveled in the sweat and atmosphere. It was a dream come true.

After the show, one of my friends mentioned that he was supposed to meet the band thanks to a previous run in with Spencer. Being the great friend that I am (or weasel... whatever), I decided to tag along so he wouldn't have to wait alone. (I know John is cracking up reading that. He knows I just wanted to meet the band. Hanging out with him was a bonus.)

We waited for a while while the guys made their way around the small crowd that had gathered by their bus. Eventually, Spencer came back to us with Aaron. John had connected with Spencer while sharing about his suicide prevention project, #ConstantlyPositive, so he caught Aaron up to speed on it and his life. John, aka WhyteLyte wrote his life story into a couple minute long rap, which he performed for the two of them, and it sparked the conversation.

Basically, John's message is taking something bad that has happened to you and using it as an avenue to share about the hope he's found in Jesus and how God can use what other's see as weakness for good. In his case, it's cerebral palsy.

The band went through other challenges and struggles. Aaron said they lived through every word they wrote, but couldn't actually bring themselves to talk about it out loud because of all the shame and guilt. Spencer specifically said, "We wouldn't tell our family about this stuff, but we were able to write about it." That sentence really resonated with me because one of the biggest things that's help me back from talking or writing about what I've been through is knowing my dad would end up reading it and I didn't want him to have to deal with that knowledge. Then Aaron pulled on a thread that had never really occurred to me for some reason. "It was in writing about the struggles that we were able to heal, but not just ourselves. The songs brought healing for those who were going through similar battles. Everyone wants a soapbox, but in order to be on the soapbox, you have to be naked."

Boom.

I had already been feeling like it was time to write my story, but had been trying to chicken out. The enemy wants my voice silenced, but in opening up, it won't just heal me. As much as I'd like to think I'm over some things from years ago, my reaction to some news stories recently showed that it is not really the case. There is a difference between stable and fully healed.

Spencer and Aaron had no idea I had been wrestling with opening up and writing. Just because I know it's time doesn't make diving head first into those hurts any easier. But God used two guys I adored 10 years ago to confirm that I have to open up. Like Autumn said in class in December 2014, "You can be pretty or you can be free." It's time to choose freedom.

So, I'm preparing to let myself fall apart for a few days in June. I can't keep protecting people or my own reputation anymore. There may be a big ol' mob of judgement waiting for me when it's out on display, but if there is one person out there who gets a little strength from my story, then it will be worth it. My past will put my future in a different light for some people, just like reading the lyrics of TOCS with the knowledge of where they were in life at that time completely changes my view of the album. Now, it makes those words even more powerful. Spencer talked about how they've been able to touch people around the world through their music, including people who don't speak English. That's along the same lines of this blog, thanks to the readers around the world who keep checking in. This platform is only the beginning of my impact, which is incredibly frightening to think and type.

Underoath is right... we are all just chasing safety from the hurts of our past. While only God can truly provide the healing, sometimes we have to do a little bit of the ground work to facilitate His movement.

Thanks to Spencer and Aaron for being naked on their soapbox and sharing a few minutes with us after an amazing show.
 

Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Sticking With Sobriety After 18 Months Without Alcohol

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd ever write: Today marks 18 months of sobriety.

I never thought I'd write it because I never planned to drink alcohol in the first place. Once I got rolling on the river of booze during my senior year of college, I didn't expect to give it up. It was an easy way to deal with the stress and hurts that happened during my early 20's. (That's another strange thought... I'm not in my early 20's anymore! Eep!) I didn't realize I was self-medicating with alcohol until after I had cut it off.

I don't know if I'm more surprised at how fast this year and a half flew by or that I actually stuck with the decision to give up drinking.

There have been so many nights where all I wanted was a big bottle of Kraken or a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat so I could put the drama into a haze for a while and breathe. This year especially was filled with losses and such painful moments that had I picked up a bottle, it would not have ended well in the slightest. However, not all of the challenges were based on avoiding feelings. Several of my drinking buddies got married and had booze-a-plenty at the receptions, but I made it through sober. There were parties and concerts, but I opted for Dr. Pepper instead. I didn't even crack open the bottle of vodka a friend gave me or one left on my desk by a PR team. I stayed strong.

The questions that came up repeatedly were how and why didn't I give in.

Honestly, there were days when literally the only reason why I didn't was because of the contract I signed as part of the School of Ministry. That was it. I didn't want to break the rules. But then, during the summer and right now, I took some time off from school to rest. That means no more code of conduct, but I have still stayed sober. There is the obvious reason for that, which is I gave it up for God. In that moment at the Encounter Conference, I knew that He was calling me to give it up. I just assumed that the reason was because it's generally viewed as wrong in the Christian community.

Now, I see now that a bigger piece of that reason was to reach people. I've shared my story on stage to a streaming community around the world, through this blog, and in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I know my story has impacted at least two people to give up alcohol as well, and there is a third that I really hope will listen soon. The thought of impacting people's lives like that because I made one decision to follow a calling is a little overwhelming.

Plus, all that exposure keeps you honest. There is this voice in the back of my head reminding me that if I were to drink, I'd be just another hypocritical Christian. I try really hard to not add to that mess. I saw this quote meme online saying something along the lines of "God didn't give you the strength to stand up so you could run back to the thing that knocked you down." Standing strong is a battle, but one I can't afford to lose because I don't want to reflect badly on God and those who serve Him along with me.

The past 18 months have been a challenge, and I'm sure sticking with this in the months ahead will present themselves with similar problems, but it's a challenge I will overcome. I know where my strength comes from.

Showing Worth

It's pretty hard to keep quiet about all the great things God is doing in my life and the lives of my friends. After hearing me talk about how some of it and how much I love my church, one of my newer coworkers decided to visit WRC for Friday night service, unbeknownst to me. The morning after, he told me he was there and we talked about his thoughts on the service. He said he grew up Pentecostal, so overall, it was pretty normal to him.
What stuck out to me was his view on worship. He said he always felt like a a relationship with God is just between those two, so the jumping and bowing in our revival service were a little much to him. He felt like it should be an inward expression, not outward.
 
Now let's be real, how do you react when someone does something great for you? How do you respond to someone who loves you? Keeping it to yourself does no one any good. I know plenty of girls, myself included, who jump up and down, clap, giggle, and/or squealing when something exciting happens. These things happen when we talk about those moments, or something we love and enjoy. It shouldn't be any different with God. His power and presence are exciting and creates a passionate love in us. The congregation as a whole is excited about what God has done in our lives and what He will do, an that excitement bubbles over during worship. 2 Chronicles 7:3 says, "When all the people of Israel saw the fire coming down and the glorious presence of the Lord filling the Temple, they fell face down on the ground and worshiped and praised the Lord, saying, "He is good! His faithful love endures forever."  
Psalm 89:15 says, "Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship, for they will walk in the light of your presence, Lord." And Psalm 9:1 says, "I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done."

I mentioned what Isaiah Saldivar said at the Encounter Conference in June about how people have a problem shouting praise to God at church, but don't have any issues screaming at a football game and praising their team. The Bible repeatedly says to worship with lifted hands, shouts of praise, dancing and bowing before Him.

    - 1 Timothy 2:8, "In every place of worship, I want men to pray with holy hands lifted up to God, free from anger and controversy."
    - Nehemiah 8:6, "Then Ezra praised the Lord, the great God, and all the people chanted, "Amen! Amen!" as they lifted their hands. They bowed down and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground."
   - Psalm 66:4, "Everything on earth will worship you; they will sing your praises, shouting your name in glorious songs.”
   - Psalm 100:2, "Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy."
   - Psalm 149: 1-5, "Sing his praises in the assembly of the faithful. O people of Jerusalem, exult in your King. Praise his name with dancing, accompanied by tambourine and harp. For the Lord delights in his people; he crowns the humble with victory. Let the faithful rejoice that he honors them. Let them sing for joy as they lie on their beds."
    - Psalm 150:3-6, "Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn; Praise him with the lyre and harp! Praise him with the tambourine and dancing; Praise him with strings and flutes! Praise him with a clash of cymbals; Praise him with loud clanging cymbals. Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!"

The Holy Spirit breaks the chains holding us down and sets us free. We don't have to be bound up in fear of what people will think or what is the right thing to do. Focusing on all His goodness instead of ourselves frees us of ourselves, which is actually quite nice. Not normal for this society and generation, but really refreshing when you let it happen.

He dubbed what I said a "fair point" and walked away, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

We touched on  worship a little bit in the first quarter classes at WRSM, and coming up this winter, we will dive deeper in the Foundations of Worship class. But one thing we have covered so far is what worship is. It means to give worth. I looked it up in a couple different dictionaries, and they say it means to show honor, respect and love. Respecting Him means following the plan and directions He laid out for us in the Bible. It is telling Him how great He really is, and that has nothing to do with us. It doesn't matter if we don't feel like it. His greatness doesn't change because we are in a mood. He is no less worthy of our worship and thankfulness because we had a bad day. He deserves all we have and more, so why hold back from Him? There is power in praising God despite rough situations. It shows the enemy that he has no power over us because we serve the Almighty God.

The next night at #EncounterKC, Zeke said a lot of the same things while getting worship started and the message focused on living by faith, not fear. It was a good reminder to me to let go even more of the thoughts about what I look like during worship or what people could be thinking. Coincidentally, Pastor Kathy posted a picture of me worshiping during service on her Facebook page, so I had to get over that whole thought really quickly. God works in crazy ways sometimes!

God can do so much more through a fearless person who is surrendered to Him and acknowledges who He really is. I want to be someone God can work through, and worshiping with everything I have is the starting point.

(Note: I wrote this a week and a half ago and thought I posted it, but didn't. Oops.)

Distract and Attack

I started writing this post about distractions three weeks ago. Guess what happened. I got distracted every single time I started working on it. Granted, life has been pretty intense, but the irony is not lost. After questioning sharing my last post because of self-doubt, then seeing the impact it had on so many makes me think I was distracted because someone else out there needs this message as much as I did.

Those who know me in person know I have a pretty strong case of ADOS, which is attention deficit, oooh shiny! One little thing can set me off on a long string of stories or missions. While moving over the past couple weeks, I'd start packing one thing, but completely get distracted by something else and end up with nothing done. That really sucked when my friends showed up to move things and I wasn't packed... #fail.

The whole thought on distractions started when I went to a Christian rock concert featuring Red and Demon Hunter. Their opening band, Veridia, blew me away with what lyrics I could make out in the craziness of a live show. I left the show in the middle of Red's performance to go to work, where I played Veridia's EP "Inseparable" and could hear the words more clearly. This section of "Mechanical Planet" got my attention.

"So I'll distract you.

I will attack you,

And keep you focused on me.

I'll make you fall in love with deception.

You won't know what to believe."

Later on, the song brings up distractions again with a powerful point.

"The truth is

I'll work day and night

To keep the gears grinding in your mind,

To keep you from knowing you are worth more than gold,

Not some assembly-line, rusted shell of a person that I try to remote-control.

I never want you to believe

That when you're down on your knees

That someone is actually listening.

If you are undistracted for even a moment,

I'll lose my hold,

And you would notice that you have never been alone.

Never have you ever fought alone.

Never have you ever fought alone."

I hadn't really thought of distractions as an attack, but it makes sense. How many times a day do we miss getting something done because we walked into a room and saw something else that needed to be done. If you are anything like me, it is quite a few.

The next night at church, Pastor Kathy preached on hindrances and the schemes of the devil. I was running camera and not fully paying attention to the sermon, but I caught enough to know she was talking about distractions. I got the CD and it took several tries to get all the way through it. Again, with the irony! In the message, PK defined distractions as anything that takes your focus off the Kingdom of God.

This comes into play because we are in a spiritual battle all the time. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." When you wrestle someone, you don't go into it trying to lose. You find your opponent's weakness and try to exploit it. That's exactly what the devil does to us. As PK said, "We wrestle something smarter and meaner."

The difference is, the devil isn't distracted. He is focused on his purpose to destroy us. PK said, "The devil doesn't hope to hinder us. The devil plans on it." So many times, we focus on the material problems in our lives instead of the spiritual battles. Like the song says, when we are distracted and focusing on the little issues in our lives, we forget that the Holy Spirit is there to help us fight. We are not in this alone.


But this poses an interesting question: What could we do if we were focused on the Kingdom of God and not our earthly issues? If there is something in the way, it needs to go. There are so many things that can distract us in this world. Social media, TV, movies, work, friends, school, family, etc. I'm guilty of it all. There have been so many times lately where I sit there and think, "I should read my Bible," yet I lay in bed or sit on my break scrolling through a Facebook, Instagram or Twitter feed waiting on someone to post something new. Seriously, wasting time on absolutely nothing. It's time to work on weeding out those distractions so we can move forward together. Fighting against the devil's plan to hinder our mission for God won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Getting Started

Call it a quarter life crisis or just growing up, but things are changing in my life. Several of my battle buddies through everything have encouraged me to write down how God is moving in my life, so here we go with the short introductory version of how I got to this point.

I have gone to church as long as I can remember and accepted Christ at a young age. As time went on, I faded away, especially during college and the first couple years on my own. When I moved to Kansas City, MO, I completely stopped going to church for a full year. My believe in God never changed, but I was not living anywhere near how I should.

Through a few small connections, I ended up at a live worship recording at World Revival Church. It was a fun night, but something bigger was stirring. The band recorded a song with the line, "Home, this is home/ where heaven screams through our bones" and it really stuck with me.

Six days later, after a big struggle at work and a couple out of state job applications, I remembered Pastor Steve mentioning Friday night services. I ended up back at WRC for my first church service in about a year. Pastor Kathy preached on listening to what God is calling each of us to be and pursuing it. I knew I needed to be in that church, but my two-job schedule didn't really allow for it. A woman who was sitting in front on me during service prayed that God would open my schedule so I could be there. Sure enough, he came through. My main job changed things around temporarily, which forced me to adjust my availability at the bookstore. It took me a couple weeks to realize that I wasn't working Friday or Saturday nights anymore, but I was freed up to go to services and community nights.

The woman who was sitting in front of me at that first service started introducing me to several other ladies. Spending time with them was amazing. They spoke so much life into me from the beginning, which I didn't realize I was missing. I feel like they were the people I needed in my life and they all fell into place at just the right moment.

This was just the beginning. God has already done so much, and I know there is a lot of big things still to come.