Happy Three-and-a-Half Year Sober-versary To Me!

Here's a crazy thought: I've now spent almost as much time as a legally-able to drink adult off the crazy juice as I did draining bottles.

Wild.

Today marks three and a half years without a sip of alcohol. I stopped writing about it a while back, thinking it a bit silly to keep documenting this part of my journey. Apparently I was wrong. 

The first reason I say that is because of the new clarity that the battle never really ends. Over the last few months, my resolve has been tested time and time again. 

The first big challenge was my international fellowship. Back in the day, my bucket list included drinking beer in Germany, French wine in Paris, Guinness and Jameson in Ireland, etc. Once this amazing trip landed in my lap, I had to deal with the reality of how I was going to handle myself there. I mean, come on. I was in Germany, a country where beer is legitimately cheaper than water most places, and during Oktoberfest, no less! Talk about a challenge! 

Before I left, the organization sent out a preliminary itinerary and seeing a brewery tour on the list was a punch in the gut. I'm not sure why I was surprised, but I was. I met with one of the pastors to run scenarios and try to come up with the best direction. I could argue either side of the issue, as is the tendency of my ENTP personality. While he eventually gave me permission to do the sampling if I was concerned about making a scene in Germany, he asked me one question before letting me leave the office: "What are you going to say when everyone goes to the bar after the tasting?"

Well, snap, crackle and pop. I see what you did there. It would be rather hypocritical to try to pull it both ways. He wanted me to think about it for a couple days and tell him my decision, but I'm a stubborn brat sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), and never did specify. I thought I'd feel it out.

Celebrating Oktoberfest at Alexander Platz.

I was pretty surprised at how supportive the other fellows were when I said I didn't drink. They asked questions, but never pressured me to join them. They were completely fine with me drinking Coke at the bars while they drained steins. During the brewery tasting, I would swirl the amber liquid and smell it like everyone else, then pass my glass to my buddy, Ben, and he'd drink it. We both won.

However, not everyone was so chill. The program director repeatedly tried to pressure me into drinking. It was never a subtle thing, either. From his inability to hide his disgust that I wasn't sampling the beer and asked to not be in pictures with it (so no one got the wrong idea), to constantly insisting that I allow him to buy me a drink, to blathering on that a sip wouldn't hurt, it got pretty uncomfortable. Again, my amazing fellows supported me and tried to divert the attention.

I can't tell you how many times I thought about caving overseas. It's not like anyone would know unless I told them, but I still could not bring myself to follow through. Deep down, I knew that God took that piece away from me for a reason. He set me apart with a purpose, even if that is just explaining how powerful and good He is.

Which brings me to the second reason I'm writing about my sobriety today: not everyone knows my story. I mean, there were 13 other fellows on that trip, plus three people from the organization, and countless contacts throughout those three weeks. They didn't all ask why I was sipping water at the same time. It was a continual retelling of my story and what God did for me to save me from my own stupidity. 

The whole "I'm in ministry school and it's not allowed" answer worked well enough for some. Others could tell there is more to the story and that gave me an opening to share my heart. Even yesterday, one of my newer co-workers asked if I was an alcoholic, so it gave me the chance to say no, it's a way of being obedient to God.

Once people know your story, they help you stick with it. I can't tell you how many times of late I typed the words "I want a drink." Life's been tough. Fortunately for me, I have sober buddies who don't hesitate to call me out. One guy is always supportive on that front. I really have zero business talking to him anymore, period, but sober support is what started our wacky friendship (after this post). He knows more than anyone else what it's like to not drink in our line of work, since he's a little further down the road than me. 

It's just another reminder that the battle isn't over just because you hit a milestone. He's at six years and still celebrates the markers.

Another of my friends fell off the wagon. I could have easily been me, especially lately. Being done with ministry school took the safety net away. I don't have that excuse anymore. I don't have a rule holding me back. It's now all on me. 

The last couple weeks have really tested that thought. It's a weird shift from being half my decision/ half rule, to this is all on my discernment now, especially when you're emotionally drained and hurting. It would be so easy to numb the world with alcohol, but who would I be on the other side of that bottle? Most likely, a person who holds a lot less respect and has less of a voice worth listening to.

So, today, I'm marking a milestone because daggum, the road is rocky and every step forward is a victory. It's not a win because of my own strength, but the Holy Spirit holding that valve closed for me and reminding me of those faces when I'm on the edge. Jesus is the victory.