Happy Three-and-a-Half Year Sober-versary To Me!

Here's a crazy thought: I've now spent almost as much time as a legally-able to drink adult off the crazy juice as I did draining bottles.

Wild.

Today marks three and a half years without a sip of alcohol. I stopped writing about it a while back, thinking it a bit silly to keep documenting this part of my journey. Apparently I was wrong. 

The first reason I say that is because of the new clarity that the battle never really ends. Over the last few months, my resolve has been tested time and time again. 

The first big challenge was my international fellowship. Back in the day, my bucket list included drinking beer in Germany, French wine in Paris, Guinness and Jameson in Ireland, etc. Once this amazing trip landed in my lap, I had to deal with the reality of how I was going to handle myself there. I mean, come on. I was in Germany, a country where beer is legitimately cheaper than water most places, and during Oktoberfest, no less! Talk about a challenge! 

Before I left, the organization sent out a preliminary itinerary and seeing a brewery tour on the list was a punch in the gut. I'm not sure why I was surprised, but I was. I met with one of the pastors to run scenarios and try to come up with the best direction. I could argue either side of the issue, as is the tendency of my ENTP personality. While he eventually gave me permission to do the sampling if I was concerned about making a scene in Germany, he asked me one question before letting me leave the office: "What are you going to say when everyone goes to the bar after the tasting?"

Well, snap, crackle and pop. I see what you did there. It would be rather hypocritical to try to pull it both ways. He wanted me to think about it for a couple days and tell him my decision, but I'm a stubborn brat sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), and never did specify. I thought I'd feel it out.

Celebrating Oktoberfest at Alexander Platz.

I was pretty surprised at how supportive the other fellows were when I said I didn't drink. They asked questions, but never pressured me to join them. They were completely fine with me drinking Coke at the bars while they drained steins. During the brewery tasting, I would swirl the amber liquid and smell it like everyone else, then pass my glass to my buddy, Ben, and he'd drink it. We both won.

However, not everyone was so chill. The program director repeatedly tried to pressure me into drinking. It was never a subtle thing, either. From his inability to hide his disgust that I wasn't sampling the beer and asked to not be in pictures with it (so no one got the wrong idea), to constantly insisting that I allow him to buy me a drink, to blathering on that a sip wouldn't hurt, it got pretty uncomfortable. Again, my amazing fellows supported me and tried to divert the attention.

I can't tell you how many times I thought about caving overseas. It's not like anyone would know unless I told them, but I still could not bring myself to follow through. Deep down, I knew that God took that piece away from me for a reason. He set me apart with a purpose, even if that is just explaining how powerful and good He is.

Which brings me to the second reason I'm writing about my sobriety today: not everyone knows my story. I mean, there were 13 other fellows on that trip, plus three people from the organization, and countless contacts throughout those three weeks. They didn't all ask why I was sipping water at the same time. It was a continual retelling of my story and what God did for me to save me from my own stupidity. 

The whole "I'm in ministry school and it's not allowed" answer worked well enough for some. Others could tell there is more to the story and that gave me an opening to share my heart. Even yesterday, one of my newer co-workers asked if I was an alcoholic, so it gave me the chance to say no, it's a way of being obedient to God.

Once people know your story, they help you stick with it. I can't tell you how many times of late I typed the words "I want a drink." Life's been tough. Fortunately for me, I have sober buddies who don't hesitate to call me out. One guy is always supportive on that front. I really have zero business talking to him anymore, period, but sober support is what started our wacky friendship (after this post). He knows more than anyone else what it's like to not drink in our line of work, since he's a little further down the road than me. 

It's just another reminder that the battle isn't over just because you hit a milestone. He's at six years and still celebrates the markers.

Another of my friends fell off the wagon. I could have easily been me, especially lately. Being done with ministry school took the safety net away. I don't have that excuse anymore. I don't have a rule holding me back. It's now all on me. 

The last couple weeks have really tested that thought. It's a weird shift from being half my decision/ half rule, to this is all on my discernment now, especially when you're emotionally drained and hurting. It would be so easy to numb the world with alcohol, but who would I be on the other side of that bottle? Most likely, a person who holds a lot less respect and has less of a voice worth listening to.

So, today, I'm marking a milestone because daggum, the road is rocky and every step forward is a victory. It's not a win because of my own strength, but the Holy Spirit holding that valve closed for me and reminding me of those faces when I'm on the edge. Jesus is the victory.

Before and After Alcohol: 2.5 Years of Sobriety

Before and afters... fun and awful all at the same time.

This time of year makes people a little nostalgic on its own, but the end of the year isn't on my mind tonight. Today marks 2.5 years since my last alcoholic drink. It's a thought which pops up every six months or so, as you already know since I have this little tendency to document some random thoughts in writing on the internet for all to see. 

This time, the thought came up because of people.

Not long ago, I went to a football game at my Alma Mater and spent some time chatting with a media friend, David. His boss quipped that it felt like an intervention standing between us, since David and I are both in the early years of sober life. It sparked a conversation about our before and afters. I was going to post a couple pictures to highlight the change, but I can't locate the old one on Facebook and the new one was blurry. The first one was of us and other media people dancing in the rain at a rooftop bar in Austin, Texas. Needless to say, there wasn't much life in that picture. Now, there is a difference in both of us. There is a spark of life in both our eyes and the smiles in that picture are far more sincere and full of joy.  

It's so cool to see how God has transformed David's life since he gave up alcohol. His almost daily thankful tweets about God's grace and favor are evidence of the change. David's story reminds me of how lucky I am that I was able to quit without problems and public attention, but he's handled it so well. I'm so proud of how he's handled everything and turned his life around for the better.

The before and after was highlighted further the other night when I went to my Alma Mater's basketball game in town with a friend from church. During the first half, I got a Snapchat from a college friend who was also there. Will came and sat in the empty seat on my other side and I could feel the difference in the weirdest way. We reminisced about days past and it was almost painful to think about the trash I was during that time (I mean, I met him at a bar during a pub crawl...), while on my other side, was my more innocent and suddenly very quiet friend. I felt the need to apologize to her, while shushing Will's profanity and more ridiculous stories. 

After the game, I walked by a bar where a friend from my drinking days now works. I hadn't seen him in almost three years, so my underage church friend waited outside while I ran inside to say hi. It was so strange to see him after all this time. We were friends at work but our friendship lacked depth from all the time we had spent together but couldn't remember. Now, he's also on the road to leaving booze in the past, but he faces a different set of challenges of sobriety as the cliché alcoholic working in a bar. While David's eyes had a spark of hope, John's eyes showed the struggle he's facing and a deep hunger to move forward, which I pray he's able to do successfully.

The girl they used to know is not the one who exists today, a fact which brought a wave of relief while I walked away from the game. Heck, I'm not even the same girl I was a year ago when I wrote about being 18 months sober. That post created a connection with someone in the industry who had to give up alcohol himself. Through knowing him, I learned to stand up for myself, what I need and what is right, even though it didn't all happen right away. A shared experience created a connection which fostered growth, which is really what life is all about. 

People are our treasure, despite all my claims to the contrary when dealing with horrible, rude customers. What matters is that we do our best to help each other along in the journey and foster growth in others. While I've come a long way, it's wonderful to see how far my friends have traveled on their own journeys as well.

"Resentment, depression and all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addictions, strongholds and every disease
They have no power over me

I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You, Jesus."

- "Back to Life" by James Galbraith

Legalism Or Life: Questions After Two Years Without Alcohol

Yesterday marked two years since my last drink. Woo! I was pretty entertained to hear that Isaiah Saldivar will be in town on almost the same day I heard him speak two years ago and made the decision that changed my life. I have a feeling it means there is another big step around the corner, but we shall see.

Recently, people have been asking me when I'm going to drink again and haven't been so ok that it's not in my plans. One of my coworkers went so far as to say he was going to slip me some hard orange soda sometime because I said I didn't want to try it. (Yes, I lectured him on how absolutely wrong that idea is.)

This guy also said I was being legalistic by saying no, but I disagree.

During the drinking days.

It's a concept we talked about in Covenant class last quarter: is the rule designed to be oppressive or is it there to bring life? In my case, it's the latter.

The example Pastor Aaron brought up in class is telling little kids that they can't play in the street. The action itself isn't evil. As adults, we know that's meant to keep the child alive and without injury. It's designed to be life, not legalistic.

In starting to write the book, I had to spend some time dredging through my past, and not all of it is pretty. The majority of the ugly, painful stories involved alcohol on some level. If I hadn't been drinking, I probably could've avoided some situations that I now regret. While drinking might not be the worst thing in the world, creating this boundary for myself is meant to keep me from getting hit by a car [insert: distraction] when I'm playing with something unsafe.

My coworker said I'm missing out and limiting my life by this rule. Again, I disagree.

Now.

Have I skipped things because of I don't drink, sure. (But, honestly, what part of being the only sober person at a bachelorette party on a fake holiday where "puke and rally" is the mantra sounds like fun. I love my friends, but I do not handle vomit well. Sorry. Plus, I was cleaning up after a destructive relationship and pictures in a bar would not have looked like I was back on the right path.) That situation isn't every time. I went out to the bars after my friend's wedding just to be with her. I didn't drink, but I still went and the groom spent a solid 30 minutes thanking me for the gesture.



To steal Pastor James' line, I'm "squeezing the day" and living life to the fullness, but I don't need booze to do it now. Honestly, I'm enjoying life more now than I was then, by a long shot. Plus, there is the bonus of being able to be used for God in new ways. Heather said in class this week that you can't have a deep level of compassion for a situation until you've lived it. Conquering a situation opens doors to reach into people's lives. Your victory gives you credibility with those who are still in the battle.

God gives us guidelines so we can interact with Him and others without doing damage, not to limit our fun. Like Pastor Aaron said, "If love is boundary-less, it's not love." I choose to love my relationship with God more than a liquid. I choose to love myself enough to submit to a rule, not out of legalistic desires to be a "good girl." but to protect my future. I've lost friends and missed parties. So what? I'd rather lose those things than be disqualified for my mission.

Sticking With Sobriety After 18 Months Without Alcohol

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd ever write: Today marks 18 months of sobriety.

I never thought I'd write it because I never planned to drink alcohol in the first place. Once I got rolling on the river of booze during my senior year of college, I didn't expect to give it up. It was an easy way to deal with the stress and hurts that happened during my early 20's. (That's another strange thought... I'm not in my early 20's anymore! Eep!) I didn't realize I was self-medicating with alcohol until after I had cut it off.

I don't know if I'm more surprised at how fast this year and a half flew by or that I actually stuck with the decision to give up drinking.

There have been so many nights where all I wanted was a big bottle of Kraken or a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat so I could put the drama into a haze for a while and breathe. This year especially was filled with losses and such painful moments that had I picked up a bottle, it would not have ended well in the slightest. However, not all of the challenges were based on avoiding feelings. Several of my drinking buddies got married and had booze-a-plenty at the receptions, but I made it through sober. There were parties and concerts, but I opted for Dr. Pepper instead. I didn't even crack open the bottle of vodka a friend gave me or one left on my desk by a PR team. I stayed strong.

The questions that came up repeatedly were how and why didn't I give in.

Honestly, there were days when literally the only reason why I didn't was because of the contract I signed as part of the School of Ministry. That was it. I didn't want to break the rules. But then, during the summer and right now, I took some time off from school to rest. That means no more code of conduct, but I have still stayed sober. There is the obvious reason for that, which is I gave it up for God. In that moment at the Encounter Conference, I knew that He was calling me to give it up. I just assumed that the reason was because it's generally viewed as wrong in the Christian community.

Now, I see now that a bigger piece of that reason was to reach people. I've shared my story on stage to a streaming community around the world, through this blog, and in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I know my story has impacted at least two people to give up alcohol as well, and there is a third that I really hope will listen soon. The thought of impacting people's lives like that because I made one decision to follow a calling is a little overwhelming.

Plus, all that exposure keeps you honest. There is this voice in the back of my head reminding me that if I were to drink, I'd be just another hypocritical Christian. I try really hard to not add to that mess. I saw this quote meme online saying something along the lines of "God didn't give you the strength to stand up so you could run back to the thing that knocked you down." Standing strong is a battle, but one I can't afford to lose because I don't want to reflect badly on God and those who serve Him along with me.

The past 18 months have been a challenge, and I'm sure sticking with this in the months ahead will present themselves with similar problems, but it's a challenge I will overcome. I know where my strength comes from.

Bye Bye, Booze

Several of my friends have asked about my decision to quit drinking because it caught them off guard. It's not like I was even close to being an alcoholic, but it was responsible for several crazy nights and bad decisions. Answering with, "because God told me to" wasn't cutting it for them, so I did some digging in the Bible.

The real epiphany moment was at the Encounter conference in June while Isaiah Saldivar was preaching. He shared about his life before Christ and how he was partying every day. When God met Isaiah at the altar, He said it would cost everything. Everything includes alcohol. I really felt convicted about drinking while sitting there that Saturday night. I made the decision to give it up for God and He took it. Today marks two months without a drink, and I don't miss it.

Facing my friends was a bit of a challenge. That was what we did together. Grab a margarita and complain about work. Down a few beers and watch football. Now, I changed the game and neither of us quite knew what to do. Some told me it won't last, but they don't understand that I am a changed person. It happened so fast, it just didn't make sense to them. A couple people talked about how the Bible doesn't say anything about not drinking. I quoted the one scripture I knew off the top of my head on the issue, which was Ephesians 5:17-18 "Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;" Well, having been filled with the Spirit, the hole I numbed with alcohol was also filled. The Holy Spirit satisfied that desire, and I started so see more of that passage happen in my life. Verses 19-20 say, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I have been singing praise songs and thanking God for everything He has done and will continue to do. As Pastor Steve says all the time, "Stick with the plan." When you stick with what God calls you to do, the rest falls into place. It just takes faith to believe it will all come to be.

While working on this post, I was also streaming live service from World Revival Church. Something Pastor Steve just said fits pretty well. "The things that wear other people are not wearing you out because they aren't important to you." I see my friends who drink struggling at work and struggling to find happiness. I'm not saying my work struggles all went away since giving up alcohol, but by following God, I have the strength and joy within me to make it through the day in decent spirits.

Surprisingly, or not, some of my Christian friends are included in the group questioning the decision to quit drinking. This quote from Isaiah hits the nail on the head: "Here's the thing: I'm a Christian and I drink. I'm a Christian and I smoke. I'm a Christian and I party. I'm a Christian and I don't live any different than anybody. You must not be a Christian because you're so radical and you're so different. So what are you? So they label us as in a cult because they don't understand that we met someone that they're talking about. They don't understand that we came into an encounter with a living God that breathes out stars." Two of my friends have actually asked if I was in an occult now because the new "rules" I live by are "no fun" and "too strict." Maybe I'm not indulging in the worldly fun anymore, but I don't miss it. Alcohol pales in comparison to the joy I've found in following God and spending time with Godly people. That alone would be enough, but then there are verses like Proverbs 23:21a, "For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty."  How many of us want poverty? Exactly. If making one little change can help fend off being poor, well, I'll take that blessing! Right away, not spending money on alcohol leaves money in my pocket to spend on more important things.

There are several other verses in the Bible that talk about not drinking. One is Leviticus 10:9m which says, "Do not drink wine or strong drink, thou not thy sons with thee." That probably explains why my parents were so upset by my drinking. Oops. Sorry, guys!

This past Friday night, Pastor Tom posed the question, if the Holy Spirit is within us, what are we subjecting him to? We have to fight our carnal, fleshly desires in order to let the Spirit operate through us. Two passages label drinking a problem of the flesh. Romans 13:13-14 says, "Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying. But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof." Galatians 5:19a and 21 says, "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." That last part is heavy. Works of the flesh keep us from the kingdom of God and drinking is a work of the flesh. Boom. If anything else wasn't enough of a reason for me, that sure did it. Following God is worth the cost.

Again, that passage continues to give us details of how following the Spirit instead of the flesh can impact our lives right now. Galatians 5:22-24 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." I want to be a good fruit and see the fruit of the Spirit grow in my life.

These are just a bunch of reasons for how I came to the decision. Bottom line, I made the change because God told me to, and that is all the reason I need.