I love dreaming up big ideas, setting goals and planning how to make them a reality. Call it the producer in me, but I live for that crap... just not this time around. I mean, it's about three weeks into the month and here I am, still struggling to come up with things.
Goals? Weak at best.
Vision board? Still not set.
30 before 30 list? Hahahaha! Right....
You'd think by now, after about five months of people asking "what's next?" I might have some kind of idea of what that might look like. The cold hard truth is, I don't.
And that is a pretty terrifying thought for a person like me.
I love spontaneity and all, but I really like having at least rough outlines in place or a general direction of motion.
Sitting here, feeling all adrift is the worst. I keep trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, but I haven't been able to pinpoint any specific thing as of yet. Maybe it's because I checked off so many bucket list items already. Perhaps the greyness of winter sucked out my motivation. There's that whole part where I've been questioning if I even hear God anymore after that one thing went sideways, so maybe that's the issue. There's also the possibility that I'm just a little chicken who is too scared to think big and outside of the box.
There's a 99.9% chance that the problem is all of the above.
What's interesting to me is how no one seems to have noticed that I haven't really been myself lately. Either I'm a great actress or they just assume I'll snap out of this funk soon enough. I'm hoping the latter is the more accurate guess.
If this seems whiny, I apologize. That is absolutely not my intent. This is just forcing myself to do something other than eat ice cream, read or knit. This is forcing my fingers to rattle of sentences that don't revolve around news of dead bodies or the hot mess blame game that is the government. This is an attempt to fire up that fierce spirit that chases dreams while screaming like a banshee instead of waiting for it to just fall into place for me. It's making myself take a step by acknowledging that I'm in a weird place. The first step toward recovery is admitting there's a problem, right?
Okay, so my first thought upon seeing the title was, "Oh my goodness, she got stuck in that club in Raytown!" LOLOLOLOL Glad that wasn't the case! ;)
ReplyDeleteBesides that, here's my two cents (cuz you asked, right? haha): After I started dreaming about Uganda, I got REALLY focused on "what's next." Like, the specifics - when and how and I need it all laid out for me and and and and and... I got kinda crazy. But no matter how I prayed or asked or got prayer or did whatever, I didn't get it. It consumed me.
Finally, I gave up. I don't have a recipe for how I did that; probably the prayer helped LOL. But I finally stopped trying to figure it out.
Actually, it came as I learned to trust God. I made that my focus instead of getting a 10-year plan. The not stressing out over the future was a fringe benefit from gaining the trust factor.
Then I did start getting more clues to the future. Then Papa Cliff died. Crap. Throw a wrench in the whole plan, why don't you, Dad?! The difference is, I'm not freaking out about how it may or may not change things regarding my future in Uganda. Several folks have prayed for me that way, I think assuming I would. But there's ZERO of that. Pretty amazing.
The point of my book here is that, I had to learn to listen for what God was saying ("I need you to trust Me. If you don't do that, the rest won't work anyway!"), not for what I wanted to hear. Hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's just what worked for me. Love ya, lady!