Stuck in Funkytown and Hating It

Normally, I'm a lot more excited about January than I am right now.

I love dreaming up big ideas, setting goals and planning how to make them a reality. Call it the producer in me, but I live for that crap... just not this time around. I mean, it's about three weeks into the month and here I am, still struggling to come up with things.

Goals? Weak at best.

Vision board? Still not set.

30 before 30 list? Hahahaha! Right....

You'd think by now, after about five months of people asking "what's next?" I might have some kind of idea of what that might look like. The cold hard truth is, I don't.

And that is a pretty terrifying thought for a person like me.

I love spontaneity and all, but I really like having at least rough outlines in place or a general direction of motion.

Sitting here, feeling all adrift is the worst. I keep trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, but I haven't been able to pinpoint any specific thing as of yet. Maybe it's because I checked off so many bucket list items already. Perhaps the greyness of winter sucked out my motivation. There's that whole part where I've been questioning if I even hear God anymore after that one thing went sideways, so maybe that's the issue. There's also the possibility that I'm just a little chicken who is too scared to think big and outside of the box.

There's a 99.9% chance that the problem is all of the above.

What's interesting to me is how no one seems to have noticed that I haven't really been myself lately. Either I'm a great actress or they just assume I'll snap out of this funk soon enough. I'm hoping the latter is the more accurate guess.

If this seems whiny, I apologize. That is absolutely not my intent. This is just forcing myself to do something other than eat ice cream, read or knit. This is forcing my fingers to rattle of sentences that don't revolve around news of dead bodies or the hot mess blame game that is the government. This is an attempt to fire up that fierce spirit that chases dreams while screaming like a banshee instead of waiting for it to just fall into place for me. It's making myself take a step by acknowledging that I'm in a weird place. The first step toward recovery is admitting there's a problem, right? 

Challenge Accepted! Tell Me I Can't And I'll Show You I Can

Supervisor: "You know you're crazy, right?"
Me: "Yup."
Supervisor: "Like, insane. You know that right?"
Me: "Sure."

I'd like to say it was a one time conversation, but, alas, it's not an unusual thing to hear. It generally follows questions about when I sleep or what my schedule is like. The answers are rarely and jam packed. Working a full and part time job, going to ministry school full time, being invested in various side gigs, and staying connected in a revived church mean I don't have much time to myself. Somehow, that's viewed as unusual.

But, it really shouldn't surprise anyone. There is the stereotype that millennials are spoiled and have no work ethic, but the numbers don't fully support that theory. Yes, there are plenty of entitled brats out there, but this generation is also hustling more. There are several studies out there showing that millennials are expecting to work more hours, are willing to spend more time on the clock, and are actually putting that to practice both while they are in school and once they reach management positions. I've talked to so many people my age who aren't interested in pursuing relationships because they are focused on their career. Being successful seems to be one of the most important things to my generation.

Maybe I'm just not in the right circles, but I don't hear people questioning the lack of sleep and busy schedules of people working multiple jobs or college students working to keep food on the table while trying to stay ahead of tuition. It definitely didn't happen when I was earning my first two Bachelor's degrees or when I worked two jobs just to pay the bills.

The judgement started when I went back to school for ministry.

The resistance really is not about the schedule. It's a lack of value on the Kingdom's movement. Encouragement doesn't flow into something that isn't understood as worthwhile.

It's kind of amusing how different groups of people respond. My friends who live a revival life are generally supportive, telling me to stay focused and get rest whenever I can People who aren't a part of a church call me crazy and tell me to give something up. My neighbor went so far as to call the apartment office because she thought I was dead after not seeing me for a week. If I'm honest, I was avoiding her. She's a nice lady, but a bit nosy and bossy. She likes to lecture about doing too much and how I should leave WRC, and I just don't have time for that kind of negativity.

During one of the lectures, I started to walk away when she said something about Jesus would want me to rest. I turned around, looked her straight in the eye and said, "'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. [Philippians 4:13]' God wouldn't have opened these doors for me if He wasn't going to provide the ability to do it." Shocked, she said I might have a point and went back to her place.

I truly believe in that statement. Over the past year, I've been thinking about what lies ahead in my future and what I want to do with my life. I haven't been able to narrow it down to anything specific, other than making an impact. A few months back, God opened the door to starting small with coaching some 6th graders in volleyball. The door got a little bit bigger when I was asked to be a part of the Kids Ablaze team. Now, we are getting a glimpse of how widespread that could reach, and it is humbling and overwhelming to think about. God is beyond good and always faithful to fulfill His promises.

The Kingdom just takes a little work on our part.

Even when it seems like we are off the rails and beyond the reach of His plans, He can still work through us. Lisa Bevere posted on Facebook saying, "If  you think you've blown God's plan for your life, rest in this. You, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful." Did you hear that mic drop? Another quote from Bevere that's been on my mind a lot lately is "What if the reason you don't know what you're called to do is that you are called to do something no one has ever done before?"

My life is an example of both of those statements right now. Despite all the ways I've screwed up, I'm still where God wants me to be. He's going to use my story to show His character [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]. My journey through ministry school has been far from the usual, but the realization that graduating on time is still a possibility just blows me away. Seeing how a couple other things are lining up for a year from now gives me chills every time I get to think or talk about it. I can see the timeline, but God isn't showing me all the details just yet. A few people asked me what my next step is, and all I can say is this: I don't know what it will be, but I know it's amazing beyond anything I could dream up on my own. I'm not going to worry now because that is next year's problem. Really, it's not even a problem. I know God is writing my story in His perfect timing. I have nothing to worry about. I just have to work through the tasks He is giving me now and be ready to say yes when He asks. That door will swing open on its own at the right moment, and I couldn't be more excited.

This next year is going to be an intense challenge and I'm going to be quite tired from time to time. If you catch me in one of those moments, please, do not tell me to take a break or give up. Don't let differences in our roles and training turn into judgments or division because we are all part of the same, set apart body. Instead, remind me that what is waiting at the finish line will be worth it [Jeremiah 29:11]. Remind me of where my strength comes from [Isaiah 40:29-31]. Remind me of these lyrics: "Unstoppable God/ Let Your glory go on and on/ Impossible things/ In Your name they shall be done."

Some may see my plans for the next year as impossible. I see it as training and an equipping for the next step. Since high school, I've had the mentality of "tell me I can't and I'll show you I can." (I even wrote something along those lines on a ceiling tile in a K-State building.) This is not a philosophy I plan to give up any time soon, especially since my victories now reflect God's strength, goodness, faithfulness, and purpose on this earth. Through Him alone, I'm ready and excited to conquer whatever challenges are ahead.

Don't Be Shaken

The struggle is real.

I don't know how many times I've clicked on "new post" or opened my journal but nothing makes it onto the page. It's not like nothing is happening. January was a whirlwind month on so many levels, but nothing would come out. I even started this post a week ago and just never could finish it. I've tried so many times, I don't remember where I was going with it, so I'm just going to let it be and move on.

Maybe it's the weight of everything that happened and the words spoken that's made it hard to write about. I've felt like some big change is on its way for a little while, and that was really confirmed over the past two weeks. As I started writing this, I was streaming service from World Revival Church. Pastor Steve Gray just mentioned preparing by getting passports, which has been on my mind for a while. This is on the heels of Pastor Steve declaring at the women's conference, "The lion has roared" and Autumn really pushing the students to be more disciplined, eliminate options, and to know who we are so we won't be shaken.

Right now feels like the shakedown. So many of my friends and I have been fighting through a myriad of struggles and attacks. It sucks that it is all at the same time. It makes us harder to be there for each other when we have our own problems. It pulls us out of community, which is one of the places we draw strength. That is to be expected since we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. He isn't going to make things easy for us in the slightest. But we will overcome because Yahweh is with us. A couple things Autumn said in class last Friday that stood out were, "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and you are doing it wrong" and, "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." Of course, that night, Pastor Eric introduced a new song with the line, "shake everything that can be shaken." The classmate I sat with and I could not get through the line without giggling. (Of course, as I wrap this post up, the church is singing it again.) Pastor Tom's sermon hit on a lot of the major points from the week's classes, affirming everything we had been talking about. Something big is coming... the season is changing. But in order to get to the change, we have to fight to hold on... fight to stand our ground. We will not be shaken.

Breaking Perfectionism

School is back in session and it is packing a punch. From day one, God made it obvious that He is getting ready to do something with this group of young adults and we need to make some changes in order for it to happen. A lot of the messages in the past two weeks have centered around perfectionism and distinguishing yourself. There is a lot to say on both, so I'm splitting it up.

This all started at a Friday night service when I was running my normal camera. Heather said something about it being my home. I said I was working on it, but my perfectionism makes it frustrating since I'm not at the level I want to be right now. Heather told me to break it off immediately, but service started, so it didn't go any further that day. A few days later, she brought perfectionism up in class. Heather said, "Don't lock yourself into something God can't change." She claimed she wasn't looking at anyone, but she definitely made eye contact with me.

During Heather's class this past Wednesday, perfectionism came up again. This time, it wasn't just a couple minutes. I filled a whole dang page with notes and Heather's quotes on how dangerous it can be to yourself and those around you. "Perfectionism kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the blessing." Heather told us, "You need to recognize it in yourself as a flaw." That is a completely different idea of perfectionism than what we are used to. We regard it as a positive adjective most of the time to describe how hard we work and how detail oriented we are. If we are perfect, people can't judge us or be better than us.

In our quest to be the best, perfectionism turns our attention to ourselves. Our generation is already self-obsessed as it is, thanks to social media. Heather said, "Looking inward causes people to die around you. Introspection causes harm." I had never really thought about it in this way before, but when we judge ourselves harshly, it rubs off on how we treat other people. We expect more and hold them to our "higher" standard. It reminded me of one day when I was complaining about answering dumb bookstore customer questions. Another lady in the church said it was kind of arrogant for me to get aggravated because they aren't on my level or doing things how I would do them.

Perfectionism makes it really hard to be happy. It distorts how you see yourself and what you do. Mistakes become larger than life, while the good things fade to the background. A news general manager once told me the best producers are type A people wrapped in a type B, so I thought the perfectionist part of me was a good thing. But Heather called that one out in the best way possible. After noting that both types of people have their positive qualities, she said, "You shouldn't be type A or type B. You should be type Jesus!" We all laughed, but it's really true. Our focus should be accomplishing the will of the Lord, not on getting every detail absolutely right all the time.

The body of Christ is supposed to serve others. Heather explained our perfectionism is like spinning plates for each area of our life. Instead of using those plates to serve others like we are supposed to, we are using them to perform and try to feel better about ourselves. In reading Luke for Pastor Steve's class, there are multiple mentions of flip-flopping positions in the Kingdom of God. Luke 13:30 says, "And note this: Some who seem least important now will be the greatest then, and some who are the greatest now will be the least important then." So why are we stressing and pushing ourselves so hard to be the most perfect and top of the list, when we should be lifting others up first.

This isn't to say that doing the best work you can is wrong. The Bible tells us to do everything for the glory of God, so we should be trying our best. The problem is when we let the mistakes haunt and destroy us and our perception. I'm seriously guilty of it all the time at work or serving on camera crew. I remember the little mistakes instead of looking at the whole picture. There aren't many people watching who will remember the little ways I screwed up other than me and actually care about it. Like Heather said in class, "The mistakes will never stop! They should spread out, but the mistakes will never stop until you are in Heaven. Perfectionism takes you back to the start."

I know this is something God is really working on me about, especially since a prayer warrior spoke against the spirit of perfectionism on the prayer floor last night without me saying anything, and man, she went after it hard. It really is a struggle for many of us in the class, but we are working on fighting the spirit off together. If it's something you are battling, just know you aren't alone and we can do this. Perfectionism won't keep me from accomplishing God's purpose for me. It may be sloppy, but I refuse to let fear of screwing up stop me from trying any more.

Pushing Through The Hard Times

I started writing something completely different, but then life happened. Yesterday was a really rough day.

I should have known something was up when ALL the junk food stashes at work were empty, including my Oreo drawer. This sounds pretty ridiculous, but it is actually incredibly rare for there to be no junk food laying around. It's how we get through the day... That and insensitive jokes.

It just seemed like one thing on top of another at work. I won't go into it, but we were not a happy bunch. Not even a little.

Midway through my shift, my dad forwarded me a tweet that one of my college friends was shot and killed overnight. I refused to believe it, scouring the web and wires for some kind of story. I called our sister station in Cleveland and had them look, but nothing. When all his former teammates started posting, I knew there had to be something to it. I reached out to a couple, which I hate doing, but my school truly means it when we say we are a family, especially among athletes.

Right before I left, my Cleveland people called to say it was confirmed. David was gone. I wasn't very close with him at all, but it still got to me. We officially met during the Black and Purple music video shoot and then chatted a bit in the weight room. He would hit on me and I'd laugh it off. We hadn't talked since he left college, but his death still got to me.

This marked the third homicide of someone I know this year. Maybe that fact got to me. Maybe it's that he was my age. He was a good dude, and hearing that someone killed him really bugged me, to the point of stupidity.

A college ex of mine just moved to town. Since he had met David, I, for some unknown dumb reason, thought it would be a good idea to hang out. Lunch was fine. Watching World War Two documentaries and knitting while we talked was fine. But, at some point, I fell asleep. I woke up, knowing Encounter service was not too far off, yet I was completely fine in not moving. I kept thinking cuddling sounded like a much more comfortable option and I could just skip church. He, of course, made a move and I realized I needed to leave and get to church immediately. While driving, I thought about skipping again, since I didnt have time to change or put on makeup or anything. But as I got closer tot he exit, I knew I needed to go. God loves me even though I look like crap. Things were already started at church, but being sad and annoyed at the world were not good enough reasons to skip church.

I made it just in time for the end of fellowship time. I walked over to one of my friends and I think she knew something was up. I told her about David that I almost didn't show. She spoke peace over me and David's family and declared that the Spirit would overwhelm me with during the service.

Boy, was she right.

Everything from the beginning of worship until dismissal was powerful and went by incredibly fast. I lost my voice singing and screaming out for God. Pastor James talked about how the list of, "if I can just have/do this, I'll be happy" will never end. The only thing that satisfies is the presence of God, and man, was it thick in that room. I could feel the weight of it. There may have been some tears, which for me is pretty unusual. But it was so good to just soak and let all the crap of the day go. And the fellowship after was great too. I have some awesome friends at WRC and I am so thankful they are in my life.

On my way home, I was thinking about how whenever I almost don't go to church, it is always really powerful. People always say things like, if God is real, why do bad things happen to good people? Well, crap happens because we have an enemy. The enemy knows the peace and power waiting for us when we spend time with God, so he tries to keep us away from it. The enemy wants us weak. But when we fight back and push harder for God, He rewards us with His presence. I feel like the more the enemy throws at me to make me want to stay home, the better that service ends up being once I shake it off and go. Last night's Encounter service was one of those nights. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are running after God in such a passionate fashion.

I am also thankful I got to know David. Rest in peace, Rat. You are missed.

Distract and Attack

I started writing this post about distractions three weeks ago. Guess what happened. I got distracted every single time I started working on it. Granted, life has been pretty intense, but the irony is not lost. After questioning sharing my last post because of self-doubt, then seeing the impact it had on so many makes me think I was distracted because someone else out there needs this message as much as I did.

Those who know me in person know I have a pretty strong case of ADOS, which is attention deficit, oooh shiny! One little thing can set me off on a long string of stories or missions. While moving over the past couple weeks, I'd start packing one thing, but completely get distracted by something else and end up with nothing done. That really sucked when my friends showed up to move things and I wasn't packed... #fail.

The whole thought on distractions started when I went to a Christian rock concert featuring Red and Demon Hunter. Their opening band, Veridia, blew me away with what lyrics I could make out in the craziness of a live show. I left the show in the middle of Red's performance to go to work, where I played Veridia's EP "Inseparable" and could hear the words more clearly. This section of "Mechanical Planet" got my attention.

"So I'll distract you.

I will attack you,

And keep you focused on me.

I'll make you fall in love with deception.

You won't know what to believe."

Later on, the song brings up distractions again with a powerful point.

"The truth is

I'll work day and night

To keep the gears grinding in your mind,

To keep you from knowing you are worth more than gold,

Not some assembly-line, rusted shell of a person that I try to remote-control.

I never want you to believe

That when you're down on your knees

That someone is actually listening.

If you are undistracted for even a moment,

I'll lose my hold,

And you would notice that you have never been alone.

Never have you ever fought alone.

Never have you ever fought alone."

I hadn't really thought of distractions as an attack, but it makes sense. How many times a day do we miss getting something done because we walked into a room and saw something else that needed to be done. If you are anything like me, it is quite a few.

The next night at church, Pastor Kathy preached on hindrances and the schemes of the devil. I was running camera and not fully paying attention to the sermon, but I caught enough to know she was talking about distractions. I got the CD and it took several tries to get all the way through it. Again, with the irony! In the message, PK defined distractions as anything that takes your focus off the Kingdom of God.

This comes into play because we are in a spiritual battle all the time. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." When you wrestle someone, you don't go into it trying to lose. You find your opponent's weakness and try to exploit it. That's exactly what the devil does to us. As PK said, "We wrestle something smarter and meaner."

The difference is, the devil isn't distracted. He is focused on his purpose to destroy us. PK said, "The devil doesn't hope to hinder us. The devil plans on it." So many times, we focus on the material problems in our lives instead of the spiritual battles. Like the song says, when we are distracted and focusing on the little issues in our lives, we forget that the Holy Spirit is there to help us fight. We are not in this alone.


But this poses an interesting question: What could we do if we were focused on the Kingdom of God and not our earthly issues? If there is something in the way, it needs to go. There are so many things that can distract us in this world. Social media, TV, movies, work, friends, school, family, etc. I'm guilty of it all. There have been so many times lately where I sit there and think, "I should read my Bible," yet I lay in bed or sit on my break scrolling through a Facebook, Instagram or Twitter feed waiting on someone to post something new. Seriously, wasting time on absolutely nothing. It's time to work on weeding out those distractions so we can move forward together. Fighting against the devil's plan to hinder our mission for God won't be easy, but it will be worth it.