Stuck in Funkytown and Hating It

Normally, I'm a lot more excited about January than I am right now.

I love dreaming up big ideas, setting goals and planning how to make them a reality. Call it the producer in me, but I live for that crap... just not this time around. I mean, it's about three weeks into the month and here I am, still struggling to come up with things.

Goals? Weak at best.

Vision board? Still not set.

30 before 30 list? Hahahaha! Right....

You'd think by now, after about five months of people asking "what's next?" I might have some kind of idea of what that might look like. The cold hard truth is, I don't.

And that is a pretty terrifying thought for a person like me.

I love spontaneity and all, but I really like having at least rough outlines in place or a general direction of motion.

Sitting here, feeling all adrift is the worst. I keep trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, but I haven't been able to pinpoint any specific thing as of yet. Maybe it's because I checked off so many bucket list items already. Perhaps the greyness of winter sucked out my motivation. There's that whole part where I've been questioning if I even hear God anymore after that one thing went sideways, so maybe that's the issue. There's also the possibility that I'm just a little chicken who is too scared to think big and outside of the box.

There's a 99.9% chance that the problem is all of the above.

What's interesting to me is how no one seems to have noticed that I haven't really been myself lately. Either I'm a great actress or they just assume I'll snap out of this funk soon enough. I'm hoping the latter is the more accurate guess.

If this seems whiny, I apologize. That is absolutely not my intent. This is just forcing myself to do something other than eat ice cream, read or knit. This is forcing my fingers to rattle of sentences that don't revolve around news of dead bodies or the hot mess blame game that is the government. This is an attempt to fire up that fierce spirit that chases dreams while screaming like a banshee instead of waiting for it to just fall into place for me. It's making myself take a step by acknowledging that I'm in a weird place. The first step toward recovery is admitting there's a problem, right? 

Seeing The Vision Become Reality In 2017

Remember a year ago when everyone was all, 'I hate 2016' and I was like the one person on earth who had a decent year? Here we go with round two. Hot take: 2017 wasn't that bad.

At least for me. 

Pastor Steve said it would be the year of opportunity. Time and time again, I saw opportunities to make dreams come true, and not just the little ones.

About two years ago, I set up a vision board in my room. I drew five things in the short term goals row. They represented getting back into WRSM, graduate, read 50 books in a year, travel to Europe, and write a book. The first four are now complete, and the fifth is in progress. That alone is wild enough to think about, but the way everything went down was more than I could ever imagine with other small goals getting check marks too.

I started a book club with my dear friend Rachelle, and it has grown from six women to about 50 members in our Facebook group. There's also a writing group now that I started with my nerdy friend, Rachel.

I got to work on two shows with WRC that broadcast internationally.

I met Felicia Day and Jim Beaver at Planet Comic Con, resulting in major geek outs.

I got baptized again.

I got to go San Diego Comic Con to interview several celebrities and sit second row for the Outlander panel.

I sat on the Iron Throne and Dragonstone.

I graduated with my second year certificate and Bachelor's degree.

I won my second Emmy.

I was selected for an international fellowship in Germany, where I met so many cool people.

I spent 35 days traveling Europe, knocking a big chunk off my bucket list (i.e. see the beaches of Normandy, filming locations for Game of Thrones, the Berlin Wall, eating donuts under Brandenburg Gate, the Olympic Stadiums in Berlin and London, the Tower of London, Churchill's War Rooms, Auschwitz, Bergen-Belsen, Castle Church, Trinity Library, the Mona Lisa, the Eiffel Tower, NATO, the EU.. the list goes on and on.)

I went to German Comic Con Berlin and was in a selfie taken by Finn Jones from Iron Fist and Game of Thrones. (Yes, I'm a huge nerd. Sue me.)

I saw bands including 30 Seconds to Mars, Skillet, Sick Puppies, Muse, PVRIS, X Ambassadors, Borns, Parachute, Switchfoot and probably others I forgot at this point.... plus ballets, plays, and sporting events.

I met amazing new friends and caused many a shenanigan with those already in my life.

I walked through fields of sunflowers, danced in the rain and played in the hail, both literally and figuratively.

It wasn't all easy. 

School was an absolute grind to finish, especially in the summer when two of my six classes alone packed in 32 papers. Not fun.

Also not fun, getting stranded in Hanover, Germany because the weather shut down trains. Really, trains and I had a rough relationship in Europe. Transportation in generally, really... especially when some dude tried to get me to go down a dark street in Paris with him at 3 a.m... Hard pass, bro.

2017 was nothing short of an adventure, and God stretched me quite a bit as the days went by. So many moments were tests in trust, from patience to protection to the big picture. I latched on to Jeremiah 29:11 in Europe, and I've been trying to hold onto that still. Just letting God do His thing is hard, especially when you feel like something is about to change in your life, but you don't know what. Trust isn't easy, but allegedly it will be worth it. I guess we will find out. 

How The Beach Impacted My Thoughts On The Future

Life is crazy.

Somehow, I landed the amazing opportunity to go to Europe for a little more than a month. Oh, the stories I could tell from that adventure! Maybe pieces of it will come up in future posts.

For now, I'm just going to share a little piece of my journal.

Before I left, someone mentioned that they don't think I'm in the career I belong, and it sent me into a bit of a spiral trying to figure out if there's truth to that statement. It's something I've debated for years now, but journalism is the only job I ever clearly saw myself doing.

The only thing to do in situations where you don't know what to do is to spend some time with God about it. I took my coloring Bible and journal down to the beach in Broadstairs, and spent some time with Jeremiah 29:11-13, which says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.'"

After some time thinking on that passage and praying, I started to write and try to find a direction again. Instead, the ink formed the following words on the paper, and I don't think the message is just for me.


"As I've been sitting here, the tide has been creeping back in, covering up the rocks and sand I was walking on  an hour or so ago. It looks pretty different... kinda like life itself.


I saw things one way, but the earth shifted and adjusted what was my reality. I can no longer see the ground I was walking on, like I can no longer tell you what I want to do anymore. But the seeds of God's plan are still buried in me, like the rocks and shells are still underneath the waves. The tides will change and they will become visible once again.

Maybe that's how the desires of our heart work too. God gives them to the deep places inside us, and rolls back the tide every so often to remind us that they are there... it just isn't time to pick them up yet. Especially with big rocks, the waves have to wear them down to smaller pieces and wash away a large amount of sand before you can pry it out of the earth.

Even when you can't see it, the waves of life are preparing that big dream to break loose at just the right time. The bigger the dream, the longer it takes to prepare and loosen.

But you also have to be preparing to carry it.

Larger stones require more muscle to carry it distances greater than two inches. Same with goals and visions. They require strength to carry out to completion.

Tides change. Views change. The substance underneath the currents doesn't change. It just takes shape. So, I guess the answer requires looking at what has been there all along, even when the waves of life have blocked it from view for a while."

In case you're curious, here's how drastically the view changed.

Just remember, even the wind and waves obey Him. He can roll back the tide to remind you who He created you to be in the moments you need it most. Jeremiah 29 is written to exiles, and that's honestly how I felt for parts of my trip. I was alone (at best, with people I just met) and didn't hear much from home, which drove me absolutely bonkers. But when I needed it and sought Him out, Jesus joined me on a beach to share a different perspective on what the future could hold.

That, my friends, is where you find hope.

Never Forget: Even Little Dreams Do Come True

There are a handful of things I've wanted to do for many years of my life, but growing up pretty poor put those dreams into a corner of my mind where they became a 'one day maybe' instead of something that was attainable. One dream I've carried since I was a wee child was to visit Pearl Harbor. It even made it into a creative writing assignment somewhere around 5th grade where I was telling a friend what I had been up to recently, but 20 years in the future. 

It finally came true.

It's funny how a random Facebook post during my New Orleans & Canada adventure in June sparked this whole thing into being, but that's just how God is. 

It wasn't coincidence that I made a reference to the 75th anniversary of the attack to a friend.

It wasn't coincidence that my favorite teacher saw it.

It wasn't coincidence that the teacher lived five minutes away from the Harbor and offered a place to stay if we made the trip.

It wasn't coincidence that the plane tickets dropped $150 without a Google price alert the day I decided to take the step of faith and buy it.

It wasn't coincidence that I got work-study the next day, freeing up the money I had just spent on the plane ticket.

It was God.

But you know what, God doesn't just fulfill dreams the way our human minds fathom an ideal situation. He's a good Father and likes to show off sometimes. 

That is exactly what He did for me with this trip.

Going to Pearl Harbor and seeing the history of the attack and where my grandpa was toward the end of WWII would've been enough for me.

Getting to make the trek for the 75th anniversary made it a special piece of history.

Getting to make the trip with a friend and stay with someone in my professional field who I look up to is awesome.

But God opened the door to combining things I love, making it more than little Stephanie ever imagined this trip could be. I was able to get media passes to take a camera, meet the survivors, tell their stories and share the messages they want people to know. 

This trip was incredible.

I spent time on the USS Arizona memorial with just members of the media at sunrise.

I shook hands with four of the five men still alive who escaped that ship, while 1,177 are entombed there.

I met a handful of other men who survived bullets and bombs falling from the sky.

I watched current members of the military stand and hold a salute for about an hour in the hot Hawaiian sun while the veterans left the ceremony. These young men and women didn't wipe the dripping sweat from their faces or let their arms rest when they were visibly trembling with exhaustion. I don't have words for the respect and honor there. 

I learned about a little known man, George Whiteman, who died in the attack on the other side of the island, and now has an Air Force base named after him in Missouri.

I visited the USS Utah memorial, where you can still see the cables crews used to try to right the ship and save the men on board, but were unsuccessful. Then, we walked through the 429 white marble pillars, representing the 429 lives lost on the USS Oklahoma.

The attack on Pearl Harbor is heavy stuff, and I can't even count the number of times I had to choke back tears. Just standing on the pier at the moment the attack was happening 75 years before was overwhelming enough for my mind, but to see these brave men return to a place where they almost lost their lives and talk about forgiving Japan... speechless. These guys are so inspirational in their survival stories alone, but the strength with which they do it can't be put into words. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forget when Jack Holder was talking about running to a sewer line under construction to avoid the bullets and he teared up while saying that the only thing he was thinking at that time was, "God, please don't let me die in this ditch." 

I also won't be able to forget how every time I heard Donald Stratton talk, he made sure to mention the 1,177 who weren't as lucky as he was, or how eyes lit up and how tightly he grabbed my hand when I said I was reading his book and asked him to sign it.

These guys don't want us to forget how blessed we truly are in this country, and it's so humbling to be able to pass that message on to you now.

While I expected to work my tail off, which we did, and dealt with some less-than-pleasant situations on the media side, it was still an incredible moment to be able to cover and experience. 

We did manage to work in some fun though! When I asked for an interviewed with actor Gary Sinise, I didn't really think it would happen, but it did. Not only that, we got to be near the stage during the Lt. Dan Band's performance on Waikiki Beach. I met NBC news crews, including Jay Gray. We ate at the North Shore's famous food trucks, played in the water at Shark's Cove, hiked through areas of Waimea Bay that you could recognize in movies, swam in 20-30 feet deep ice cold water to stand under a waterfall (have I mentioned I'm not a fan of swimming? Because I'm not and it was terrifying), saw baby pineapples growing at the Dole Plantation and ate some of that fantastic Dole whip, stood in front of the USS Missouri, climbed part of the way up the dormant Diamond Head volcano, stood in the waves at Waikiki, checked out a swap meet at Aloha Stadium, and ate some fantastic meals with amazing people. Our hosts were beyond incredible tour guides and people. And of course, I always have a blast with my travel buddy.

I say all of this as a reminder to hold on to your dreams, even when it doesn't seem like something that would ever become a reality for you. Nothing is impossible with God. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" and Psalm 37:4-5 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Following God can be a hard path, but it has so many rewards. He opens doors that you might not have even thought to knock on or even walk toward. If he can take my simple dream of visiting such a historic place and make it happen in so much more a grand fashion that I could have thought up myself, what could He do for you in your life? 

The blessings are limitless because He is limitless. He is a good Father who wants to give you what you desire, even the seemingly small things buried in hopes and dreams you let fade into nothingness. Don't give up on your dreams and don't give up on God. Following Him brings the best into your life in perfect timing. Never forget.

Challenge Accepted! Tell Me I Can't And I'll Show You I Can

Supervisor: "You know you're crazy, right?"
Me: "Yup."
Supervisor: "Like, insane. You know that right?"
Me: "Sure."

I'd like to say it was a one time conversation, but, alas, it's not an unusual thing to hear. It generally follows questions about when I sleep or what my schedule is like. The answers are rarely and jam packed. Working a full and part time job, going to ministry school full time, being invested in various side gigs, and staying connected in a revived church mean I don't have much time to myself. Somehow, that's viewed as unusual.

But, it really shouldn't surprise anyone. There is the stereotype that millennials are spoiled and have no work ethic, but the numbers don't fully support that theory. Yes, there are plenty of entitled brats out there, but this generation is also hustling more. There are several studies out there showing that millennials are expecting to work more hours, are willing to spend more time on the clock, and are actually putting that to practice both while they are in school and once they reach management positions. I've talked to so many people my age who aren't interested in pursuing relationships because they are focused on their career. Being successful seems to be one of the most important things to my generation.

Maybe I'm just not in the right circles, but I don't hear people questioning the lack of sleep and busy schedules of people working multiple jobs or college students working to keep food on the table while trying to stay ahead of tuition. It definitely didn't happen when I was earning my first two Bachelor's degrees or when I worked two jobs just to pay the bills.

The judgement started when I went back to school for ministry.

The resistance really is not about the schedule. It's a lack of value on the Kingdom's movement. Encouragement doesn't flow into something that isn't understood as worthwhile.

It's kind of amusing how different groups of people respond. My friends who live a revival life are generally supportive, telling me to stay focused and get rest whenever I can People who aren't a part of a church call me crazy and tell me to give something up. My neighbor went so far as to call the apartment office because she thought I was dead after not seeing me for a week. If I'm honest, I was avoiding her. She's a nice lady, but a bit nosy and bossy. She likes to lecture about doing too much and how I should leave WRC, and I just don't have time for that kind of negativity.

During one of the lectures, I started to walk away when she said something about Jesus would want me to rest. I turned around, looked her straight in the eye and said, "'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. [Philippians 4:13]' God wouldn't have opened these doors for me if He wasn't going to provide the ability to do it." Shocked, she said I might have a point and went back to her place.

I truly believe in that statement. Over the past year, I've been thinking about what lies ahead in my future and what I want to do with my life. I haven't been able to narrow it down to anything specific, other than making an impact. A few months back, God opened the door to starting small with coaching some 6th graders in volleyball. The door got a little bit bigger when I was asked to be a part of the Kids Ablaze team. Now, we are getting a glimpse of how widespread that could reach, and it is humbling and overwhelming to think about. God is beyond good and always faithful to fulfill His promises.

The Kingdom just takes a little work on our part.

Even when it seems like we are off the rails and beyond the reach of His plans, He can still work through us. Lisa Bevere posted on Facebook saying, "If  you think you've blown God's plan for your life, rest in this. You, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful." Did you hear that mic drop? Another quote from Bevere that's been on my mind a lot lately is "What if the reason you don't know what you're called to do is that you are called to do something no one has ever done before?"

My life is an example of both of those statements right now. Despite all the ways I've screwed up, I'm still where God wants me to be. He's going to use my story to show His character [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]. My journey through ministry school has been far from the usual, but the realization that graduating on time is still a possibility just blows me away. Seeing how a couple other things are lining up for a year from now gives me chills every time I get to think or talk about it. I can see the timeline, but God isn't showing me all the details just yet. A few people asked me what my next step is, and all I can say is this: I don't know what it will be, but I know it's amazing beyond anything I could dream up on my own. I'm not going to worry now because that is next year's problem. Really, it's not even a problem. I know God is writing my story in His perfect timing. I have nothing to worry about. I just have to work through the tasks He is giving me now and be ready to say yes when He asks. That door will swing open on its own at the right moment, and I couldn't be more excited.

This next year is going to be an intense challenge and I'm going to be quite tired from time to time. If you catch me in one of those moments, please, do not tell me to take a break or give up. Don't let differences in our roles and training turn into judgments or division because we are all part of the same, set apart body. Instead, remind me that what is waiting at the finish line will be worth it [Jeremiah 29:11]. Remind me of where my strength comes from [Isaiah 40:29-31]. Remind me of these lyrics: "Unstoppable God/ Let Your glory go on and on/ Impossible things/ In Your name they shall be done."

Some may see my plans for the next year as impossible. I see it as training and an equipping for the next step. Since high school, I've had the mentality of "tell me I can't and I'll show you I can." (I even wrote something along those lines on a ceiling tile in a K-State building.) This is not a philosophy I plan to give up any time soon, especially since my victories now reflect God's strength, goodness, faithfulness, and purpose on this earth. Through Him alone, I'm ready and excited to conquer whatever challenges are ahead.