Successes Are Unique: An Open Letter To Women

Ever scroll through Facebook and end up feeling like you aren't living the correct way? (If your answer is no, be warned I'm probably not going to believe you.) 

My newsfeed is a seemingly endless stream of relationship updates, engagements, marriages, and baby announcements. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% thrilled for my friends making these big steps in their lives and this is not a Bitter Betty post at all. My issue is how these types of successes trigger so much FOMO and self-doubt, especially with single girls.

Heck, I realized this when I posted about my latest (surprising) Emmy nomination, then scrolled Facebook. A couple friends announced pregnancies, their sparkly new diamond rings, and one single friend is buying a house. You know what my crazy brain told me? They are doing better at life than I am. 

I had to stop myself right then and there. Why do we immediately jump to ranking our successes? We act like there is only so much good available in the world and everything is a competition. Spoiler alert: it isn't. 

Life doesn't have to fit into a mold, but so many of us try to be like everyone else. If everyone is doing it, it must be the best way, right? How about not. History is filled with brave women who scandalized the world so that now we can wear pants in public (hallelujah), fought for our right to vote, and pushed forward in the workforce so that ladies of today have options to do whatever the heck they want with their lives. There is no shame in being a stay-at-home mom if that's what you want to do and what works for your family. But there is also no shame in staying happily single and using that time to live your own life first.

I'll never forget the first time I heard that. I hadn't seen a co-worker in a while, so we were catching up. This older woman smiled at me and said, "I'm so proud of you for living your truth now. You're making all these memories and one day, when you're nursing your baby, you aren't going to look at that child and think about all the things you're missing are resent that baby. You're going to smile knowing you have so many stories to tell them and they are going to brag about their cool mom." It's so true. My mom had me young, and as a kid, I knew she loved me but I  could pick up on those underlying notes of resentment about the things she never got to do. Maybe that's why I'm so determined to live for myself first.

Again, do not misunderstand me here. This is not a slam on young moms or anyone at all, and the fact that I feel the need to clarify that repeatedly shows just how deep these roots of judgement go between women.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A THING. Period. Yet, it is, especially in the Christian community, and it drives me crazy.

For some odd reason, women in the church get their identity all twisted up in their relationship status and being a mom. I've seen it time and time again where a girl feels less-than because she is single or doesn't have any kids. As someone who grew up in the ultra-conservative homeschool world, I've lived it, and despite my 'tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite' streak, that standard still stings. 

I've watched my friends get married to the wrong people because of the pressure to settle down and start families, only to end up divorced a short time later. I've stayed in terrible relationships because it was at least something, right? I've suffered through the 'pep talks' telling me he is out there and 'it's just taking a while because you're so awesome, he needs more time to get ready for you.' (Side note: please DO NOT be one of those people. It makes single people feel exactly zero percent better when they are lonely and worse when they are actually enjoying their lives.)  

Ladies, we've got our identity in the wrong place. 

Relationships, family status, job status, bucket list, or whatever else you can think of do not define you. The only thing that matters is who you are in God.

Maybe that's what bothers me so much about this whole thing. Women tend to forget that God created us with a purpose. So many ladies get caught up in complaining about being single instead of using that time to do their God-given mission. I heard comic book writer, Marguerite Bennett, who is about my age say, "I'm never going to have as much time as I do now." She's busting her butt now, working on as many projects as she can, because she is single and without kids. She is treating this window as the gift it is.

In church, we hear all the time about stewarding our gifts and how God won't give you a big task if you don't prove yourself faithful in the small things. Single ladies, maybe there is something for you to do now or something to prepare for that God made a priority on your life over being a wife and mom. I can tell you right now, I've probably prolonged the single life because I haven't been working on projects I know I'm supposed to because I let other things become distractions. I have not been faithful with this blog, for sure. I can't tell you how many times I've had thoughts on a post, but didn't get out of bed because I should get rest. Julianna Zobrist has a wonderful quote: "Don't should on me." The thought of I 'should' sleep stops me from writing all the time, even though I know that when I have something to say, I really don't notice missing those hours, like God gives me the energy in exchange for obedience.

"Don't should on me" also applies to all this girl-world comparison, and that's really the point in Julianna Zobrist's message. There is no set path for every single person. Success is not something to be ranked or used against each other. We are all created to do different things. We aren't made to live the same life as anyone else. Our journey is as unique as we are and that should be embraced, not held against each other or used as fuel for a guilt trip. 

I recently met up with a college friend, and let me tell you, it was so refreshing to talk about goals and dreams instead of focusing on dates and relationships. That was maybe five minutes of our three hour conversation, and it struck me how unusual that is, even among chronically single girls. We don't need to focus on who our friends might be interested in or 'we need to find you a husband' banter. That can end up causing more damage to a relationship when someone feels judged. 

Celebrate whatever success looks like for your girls and encourage each other in their dreams and passions.  Don't drag your 'shouldas' and 'shoulds' into any kind of relationship. Your single years are the time to be selfish and enjoy the heck out of it. Grow as a person. You are a treasure, so polish yourself up so you can shine like you were always intended to, wherever your unique path leads.

Stuck in Funkytown and Hating It

Normally, I'm a lot more excited about January than I am right now.

I love dreaming up big ideas, setting goals and planning how to make them a reality. Call it the producer in me, but I live for that crap... just not this time around. I mean, it's about three weeks into the month and here I am, still struggling to come up with things.

Goals? Weak at best.

Vision board? Still not set.

30 before 30 list? Hahahaha! Right....

You'd think by now, after about five months of people asking "what's next?" I might have some kind of idea of what that might look like. The cold hard truth is, I don't.

And that is a pretty terrifying thought for a person like me.

I love spontaneity and all, but I really like having at least rough outlines in place or a general direction of motion.

Sitting here, feeling all adrift is the worst. I keep trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, but I haven't been able to pinpoint any specific thing as of yet. Maybe it's because I checked off so many bucket list items already. Perhaps the greyness of winter sucked out my motivation. There's that whole part where I've been questioning if I even hear God anymore after that one thing went sideways, so maybe that's the issue. There's also the possibility that I'm just a little chicken who is too scared to think big and outside of the box.

There's a 99.9% chance that the problem is all of the above.

What's interesting to me is how no one seems to have noticed that I haven't really been myself lately. Either I'm a great actress or they just assume I'll snap out of this funk soon enough. I'm hoping the latter is the more accurate guess.

If this seems whiny, I apologize. That is absolutely not my intent. This is just forcing myself to do something other than eat ice cream, read or knit. This is forcing my fingers to rattle of sentences that don't revolve around news of dead bodies or the hot mess blame game that is the government. This is an attempt to fire up that fierce spirit that chases dreams while screaming like a banshee instead of waiting for it to just fall into place for me. It's making myself take a step by acknowledging that I'm in a weird place. The first step toward recovery is admitting there's a problem, right? 

The Frustration of Heading Back Into The Wilderness

Ever feel like you are standing near the top of a mountain with your promised land in view, but you're so busy staring at it excitedly that you trip over a loose root, tumble back down only to land in the wilderness again? That is kinda how I feel right now.

Without going into details, I thought things had finally lined up for a major long-term goal in my life and I was elated. My mind raced through scenarios, hopes, dreams and plans.

Let's be real, I got carried away with what I wanted and how it fit into my timeline. I've never been a patient person. My see-it-want-it-go-get-it personality is great for my day job, but it doesn't translate well into real life. This was one of those many times where my personality backfired and cost me the thing I desired.

Honestly, the past few days have been insanely painful. I know the worst isn't over. There will absolutely be more tears in the days, weeks and months ahead. I hate crying, and admitting to doing it frequently is basically the worst.

But I know that I played a role in falling back down into the wilderness. How? I let myself get distracted and consumed by the almost instead of keeping up with what other things God has cooking.

There have been a few projects I've felt like I was supposed to start for a while. When the one dream started coming into view, that became my focus. Even though I felt like I should work on other things, I sacrificed them for what I thought was the big dream. I even missed church a few times to sleep because I was involved in the other project too late, and there haven't been many posts here despite having thoughts to share.

God can't bless that kind of behavior. He withdraws His hand of protection from rebellious kids and that's when attacks come and life crumbles around you. It's an unfortunate reality, but one we as humans tend to forget so easily.

One thing that's been so perfectly timed in the past couple days is my book club. My partner picked the list in January, and it has been on the spot every single time. This month, we are reading "Eat. Pray. Hustle." by Havilah Cunnington, which is a study on Abraham and dream chasing. I'm only about halfway through it, but daggum is it hitting hard!

Abraham waited decades for his promise to come to fruition. He had his days of doubt, but he trusted God's promise and kept going. He wandered around as a nomad without his own heir for years because God promised him the land and a son. He kept going even when it seemed more impossible as time went on. Eventually, God came through and Abraham saw his dream become reality.

As if I needed more verification to be patient, Pastor Kathy hit on it during offering about 24 hours after my plans crumbled. She referenced Hebrews 11:11, which says, "It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise." I only heard the last part of the verse in that moment (I was too busy picking my jaw up off the floor from the 11s, which played a role in the aforementioned plan that fell apart), but that little piece was enough. Sarah believed God would keep his promise.

As I was beginning to write this, my book club partner tagged me in a video from Havilah about why things don't happen in your life. The number one reason: it isn't time. It's so easy to fall into the Christianese of God is timeless and His plans don't follow our timelines, but it is much harder to walk out in reality, especially when it's something you want. Havilah said she would have told 10-years-ago-Havilah to invest in herself in the meantime to get closer to the goal.

Abraham and Sarah believed God, even when they were wandering in the middle of nowhere. The children of Israel spent 40 years in the wilderness getting their act together before they could enter the Promised Land even though they were making laps around it. David spent time in a cave before he became king. They didn't give up, and it took more time than I've been alive for two of those three things to happen.

So, here we go: another lap in the wilderness, starting with creating a 30 before 30 list! If you have any ideas, help a girl out and let me know. I'll post the final plan in a few weeks when I hit my half birthday.