Successes Are Unique: An Open Letter To Women

Ever scroll through Facebook and end up feeling like you aren't living the correct way? (If your answer is no, be warned I'm probably not going to believe you.) 

My newsfeed is a seemingly endless stream of relationship updates, engagements, marriages, and baby announcements. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% thrilled for my friends making these big steps in their lives and this is not a Bitter Betty post at all. My issue is how these types of successes trigger so much FOMO and self-doubt, especially with single girls.

Heck, I realized this when I posted about my latest (surprising) Emmy nomination, then scrolled Facebook. A couple friends announced pregnancies, their sparkly new diamond rings, and one single friend is buying a house. You know what my crazy brain told me? They are doing better at life than I am. 

I had to stop myself right then and there. Why do we immediately jump to ranking our successes? We act like there is only so much good available in the world and everything is a competition. Spoiler alert: it isn't. 

Life doesn't have to fit into a mold, but so many of us try to be like everyone else. If everyone is doing it, it must be the best way, right? How about not. History is filled with brave women who scandalized the world so that now we can wear pants in public (hallelujah), fought for our right to vote, and pushed forward in the workforce so that ladies of today have options to do whatever the heck they want with their lives. There is no shame in being a stay-at-home mom if that's what you want to do and what works for your family. But there is also no shame in staying happily single and using that time to live your own life first.

I'll never forget the first time I heard that. I hadn't seen a co-worker in a while, so we were catching up. This older woman smiled at me and said, "I'm so proud of you for living your truth now. You're making all these memories and one day, when you're nursing your baby, you aren't going to look at that child and think about all the things you're missing are resent that baby. You're going to smile knowing you have so many stories to tell them and they are going to brag about their cool mom." It's so true. My mom had me young, and as a kid, I knew she loved me but I  could pick up on those underlying notes of resentment about the things she never got to do. Maybe that's why I'm so determined to live for myself first.

Again, do not misunderstand me here. This is not a slam on young moms or anyone at all, and the fact that I feel the need to clarify that repeatedly shows just how deep these roots of judgement go between women.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A THING. Period. Yet, it is, especially in the Christian community, and it drives me crazy.

For some odd reason, women in the church get their identity all twisted up in their relationship status and being a mom. I've seen it time and time again where a girl feels less-than because she is single or doesn't have any kids. As someone who grew up in the ultra-conservative homeschool world, I've lived it, and despite my 'tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite' streak, that standard still stings. 

I've watched my friends get married to the wrong people because of the pressure to settle down and start families, only to end up divorced a short time later. I've stayed in terrible relationships because it was at least something, right? I've suffered through the 'pep talks' telling me he is out there and 'it's just taking a while because you're so awesome, he needs more time to get ready for you.' (Side note: please DO NOT be one of those people. It makes single people feel exactly zero percent better when they are lonely and worse when they are actually enjoying their lives.)  

Ladies, we've got our identity in the wrong place. 

Relationships, family status, job status, bucket list, or whatever else you can think of do not define you. The only thing that matters is who you are in God.

Maybe that's what bothers me so much about this whole thing. Women tend to forget that God created us with a purpose. So many ladies get caught up in complaining about being single instead of using that time to do their God-given mission. I heard comic book writer, Marguerite Bennett, who is about my age say, "I'm never going to have as much time as I do now." She's busting her butt now, working on as many projects as she can, because she is single and without kids. She is treating this window as the gift it is.

In church, we hear all the time about stewarding our gifts and how God won't give you a big task if you don't prove yourself faithful in the small things. Single ladies, maybe there is something for you to do now or something to prepare for that God made a priority on your life over being a wife and mom. I can tell you right now, I've probably prolonged the single life because I haven't been working on projects I know I'm supposed to because I let other things become distractions. I have not been faithful with this blog, for sure. I can't tell you how many times I've had thoughts on a post, but didn't get out of bed because I should get rest. Julianna Zobrist has a wonderful quote: "Don't should on me." The thought of I 'should' sleep stops me from writing all the time, even though I know that when I have something to say, I really don't notice missing those hours, like God gives me the energy in exchange for obedience.

"Don't should on me" also applies to all this girl-world comparison, and that's really the point in Julianna Zobrist's message. There is no set path for every single person. Success is not something to be ranked or used against each other. We are all created to do different things. We aren't made to live the same life as anyone else. Our journey is as unique as we are and that should be embraced, not held against each other or used as fuel for a guilt trip. 

I recently met up with a college friend, and let me tell you, it was so refreshing to talk about goals and dreams instead of focusing on dates and relationships. That was maybe five minutes of our three hour conversation, and it struck me how unusual that is, even among chronically single girls. We don't need to focus on who our friends might be interested in or 'we need to find you a husband' banter. That can end up causing more damage to a relationship when someone feels judged. 

Celebrate whatever success looks like for your girls and encourage each other in their dreams and passions.  Don't drag your 'shouldas' and 'shoulds' into any kind of relationship. Your single years are the time to be selfish and enjoy the heck out of it. Grow as a person. You are a treasure, so polish yourself up so you can shine like you were always intended to, wherever your unique path leads.

Valentines, Savoring Singlehood, and the Love of God

Since it's Valentine's Day, it seems like a good time to share from the plethora of relationship advice that's been flowing out at school and church. Maybe the approaching holiday that stirred the Spirit so much on the topic. That, or someone just really wasn't getting the point. As hilarious and wise as the relationship chats were, it's also been brutal. I'm ready for it to be done.

I'm going to blame Pastor James Koppang for starting this, since it is part of his class and he hit it first. His class on dating was hilarious. I didn't write down many of his quotes because I was laughing so hard. I did write down my own little piece of humor. Early on, Pastor James mention knights in shining armor not always being what they seem, so I wrote down a little gem for the lucky friends sitting next to me. (Pictured to the right.) Mad giggling ensued.

Pastor James did have some interesting thoughts on dating. He listed three things to look for.
   - 1. Do they love God in a way that makes them soft-hearted, teachable, moldable and open to God moving?
   - 2. Do you have fun together? Fun sparks are more important than the romantic variety.
   - 3. Am I somewhat attracted to them? (Because you aren't really going to care in 5 years.)

That last point ended up convicting me quite a bit later in the week. A decently good looking guy came into the bookstore I work in and bought a Bible. We talked for about 20 minutes about faith and the perception of Christians in the workplace. It was a great talk and he seemed really nice. At one point, I caught myself thinking, "if only he was taller." I have had a thing for tall guys for years, but should that really be a deal-breaker? I text one of my friends about it, "How many times have I blown off a possibly good guy because he didn't meet my shallow physical 'requirements?' I want a tall guy for entirely selfish reasons, and that isn't love." The answer is more than I really want to even think about. Attraction is important, but not an end-all, be all. In the words of Heather Eschenbaum, "Is that a man you want to raise your children with? But he's hot? Well, then, your children will be pretty punks."

Pastor James also argued against dating at all because people don't act like themselves, you can't tell if you are even friends in the cloud of romance, and it sets a pattern for divorce. One thing he said that really stuck out was, "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." It is so true on so many levels. Just let that sink in.

Heather and Autumn's classes the next day felt like a total beat down. I thought I took notes, but apparently I didn't. It was that level crazy intense. They focused on first of all, not being stupid, as well as how rushing to get married just to be in that relationship can end up with you marrying a loser who steals your destiny. Very heavy stuff. It carried into Pastor Kathy's sermon that night, when she talked about marriage not being the goal. The goal is to get married to serve God together. I feel like girls lose track of that and put too much self-worth in marital status, myself included from time to time. It's an obnoxious cycle.

Several of us thought and hoped we were done with the relationship talk that weekend... but no. It came up again Friday in Heather's class. Heather made another perspective altering point. What if  you are single now because God wants to spend time with you? Taking time to be set apart means you aren't dating in your mind at the same time. It seems obvious, but it just isn't really done. Girls talk about guys all the time. Even in my group at school, we say all the time that we aren't dating, but yet we are still looking and talking about it.

That leads up to Pastor Kathy's sermon Friday night, where she talked about maturity in relationships and operating in the love of God, not the fluffy shallow version of love our society looks for. Of course, we focused on the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13, which we really should be thinking about. Love is powerful, yet we throw that word around like it means nothing. We love pizza. We love a certain TV show. We say we love people in our lives, but do we really? Are we patient and kind, not just to those we are dating or married to, but to friends and strangers? Or are we jealous, proud and rude in our relationships? Are we really showing what it's like to chose to love people the way God loves us? Something to think about.

Yes, Valentine's Day is a dumb holiday, but I've never been one to really ignore it, no matter the relationship status. It's always been a good day to love on people, like in middle school, when my friends and I planned an auction to benefit a cancer patient we knew. It's a good day to think on what love is and what it is not. This day marks two years since I escaped my last long-term relationship, which was incredibly toxic. That really changed how I look at relationships and what I want in my life. This year, I'm spending the day with amazing friends who are running after Christ along with me. It's a much better life decision than whining about not having a boyfriend or husband. Plus, there is chocolate!