Successes Are Unique: An Open Letter To Women

Ever scroll through Facebook and end up feeling like you aren't living the correct way? (If your answer is no, be warned I'm probably not going to believe you.) 

My newsfeed is a seemingly endless stream of relationship updates, engagements, marriages, and baby announcements. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% thrilled for my friends making these big steps in their lives and this is not a Bitter Betty post at all. My issue is how these types of successes trigger so much FOMO and self-doubt, especially with single girls.

Heck, I realized this when I posted about my latest (surprising) Emmy nomination, then scrolled Facebook. A couple friends announced pregnancies, their sparkly new diamond rings, and one single friend is buying a house. You know what my crazy brain told me? They are doing better at life than I am. 

I had to stop myself right then and there. Why do we immediately jump to ranking our successes? We act like there is only so much good available in the world and everything is a competition. Spoiler alert: it isn't. 

Life doesn't have to fit into a mold, but so many of us try to be like everyone else. If everyone is doing it, it must be the best way, right? How about not. History is filled with brave women who scandalized the world so that now we can wear pants in public (hallelujah), fought for our right to vote, and pushed forward in the workforce so that ladies of today have options to do whatever the heck they want with their lives. There is no shame in being a stay-at-home mom if that's what you want to do and what works for your family. But there is also no shame in staying happily single and using that time to live your own life first.

I'll never forget the first time I heard that. I hadn't seen a co-worker in a while, so we were catching up. This older woman smiled at me and said, "I'm so proud of you for living your truth now. You're making all these memories and one day, when you're nursing your baby, you aren't going to look at that child and think about all the things you're missing are resent that baby. You're going to smile knowing you have so many stories to tell them and they are going to brag about their cool mom." It's so true. My mom had me young, and as a kid, I knew she loved me but I  could pick up on those underlying notes of resentment about the things she never got to do. Maybe that's why I'm so determined to live for myself first.

Again, do not misunderstand me here. This is not a slam on young moms or anyone at all, and the fact that I feel the need to clarify that repeatedly shows just how deep these roots of judgement go between women.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A THING. Period. Yet, it is, especially in the Christian community, and it drives me crazy.

For some odd reason, women in the church get their identity all twisted up in their relationship status and being a mom. I've seen it time and time again where a girl feels less-than because she is single or doesn't have any kids. As someone who grew up in the ultra-conservative homeschool world, I've lived it, and despite my 'tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite' streak, that standard still stings. 

I've watched my friends get married to the wrong people because of the pressure to settle down and start families, only to end up divorced a short time later. I've stayed in terrible relationships because it was at least something, right? I've suffered through the 'pep talks' telling me he is out there and 'it's just taking a while because you're so awesome, he needs more time to get ready for you.' (Side note: please DO NOT be one of those people. It makes single people feel exactly zero percent better when they are lonely and worse when they are actually enjoying their lives.)  

Ladies, we've got our identity in the wrong place. 

Relationships, family status, job status, bucket list, or whatever else you can think of do not define you. The only thing that matters is who you are in God.

Maybe that's what bothers me so much about this whole thing. Women tend to forget that God created us with a purpose. So many ladies get caught up in complaining about being single instead of using that time to do their God-given mission. I heard comic book writer, Marguerite Bennett, who is about my age say, "I'm never going to have as much time as I do now." She's busting her butt now, working on as many projects as she can, because she is single and without kids. She is treating this window as the gift it is.

In church, we hear all the time about stewarding our gifts and how God won't give you a big task if you don't prove yourself faithful in the small things. Single ladies, maybe there is something for you to do now or something to prepare for that God made a priority on your life over being a wife and mom. I can tell you right now, I've probably prolonged the single life because I haven't been working on projects I know I'm supposed to because I let other things become distractions. I have not been faithful with this blog, for sure. I can't tell you how many times I've had thoughts on a post, but didn't get out of bed because I should get rest. Julianna Zobrist has a wonderful quote: "Don't should on me." The thought of I 'should' sleep stops me from writing all the time, even though I know that when I have something to say, I really don't notice missing those hours, like God gives me the energy in exchange for obedience.

"Don't should on me" also applies to all this girl-world comparison, and that's really the point in Julianna Zobrist's message. There is no set path for every single person. Success is not something to be ranked or used against each other. We are all created to do different things. We aren't made to live the same life as anyone else. Our journey is as unique as we are and that should be embraced, not held against each other or used as fuel for a guilt trip. 

I recently met up with a college friend, and let me tell you, it was so refreshing to talk about goals and dreams instead of focusing on dates and relationships. That was maybe five minutes of our three hour conversation, and it struck me how unusual that is, even among chronically single girls. We don't need to focus on who our friends might be interested in or 'we need to find you a husband' banter. That can end up causing more damage to a relationship when someone feels judged. 

Celebrate whatever success looks like for your girls and encourage each other in their dreams and passions.  Don't drag your 'shouldas' and 'shoulds' into any kind of relationship. Your single years are the time to be selfish and enjoy the heck out of it. Grow as a person. You are a treasure, so polish yourself up so you can shine like you were always intended to, wherever your unique path leads.

Finding Inspiration Through "Beautiful Uncertainty"

It's funny how God works sometimes, especially with stubborn people like me.

While at work at the bookstore, I was putting things away as normal when one book caught my eye. It's called "Beautiful Uncertainty: Singleness, Surrender, and Stepping Out on Faith" by Mandy Hale. I felt like I should read it and made a mental note to put it on my eternally long book list.

Throughout the next couple weeks, I'd walk by it and think, "Oh yeah, I should read that," but then I'd do that terrible judge-a-book-by-its-cover thing. I'd think, "I bet it's super cheesy" and keep on walking.

Then, one slow weeknight, I was assigned to covering breaks, the first one being on the floor where "Beautifully Uncertain" belongs. I decided to flip through it and see if it was worth the buy.

Right off the bat, her story of living with her agnostic boyfriend connected with me. Been there, done that. Terrible life decisions... Moving on.

And then, connection number two: she mentioned Matthew 6:33, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." That verse has been popping up in my life a lot lately. I'd been pondering writing here about that verse and some interesting comments that have come along with it over the past couple months, but just hadn't found the time.

Mandy then wrote about creating a vision board, and referenced Proverbs 29:18, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." Ya know... the verse we just talked about in school... ("I feel like perishing is something to avoid. It sounds kinda like death. I feel like I'm perishing every four hours when I'm hungry." - Jacob Berryman, Church Marketing instructor.) But we talked about that verse as we had to hand in our personal vision statements THE DAY BEFORE.... Ok, ok, ok, God. I get it. It's time to focus. Ten pages in and I'm convicted and inspired. Dang.

As I kept reading Mandy's story, so much of it felt like my own. The verses, the story, the dream... all of it. She shared about writing her second book and about her ex. This hit me because people have been telling me for years that I need to write a book (or several) about my dating adventures since I find myself in some of the most unique situations. "Beautifully Uncertain" brought that back to mind as something I need to freaking do already. It's not that the thought of doing it ever went away, but I second (and third) guessed myself. I keep thinking, "Why would anyone read it? I write other people's stories for a living so what makes me think my story is so special?" I have those same thoughts about this blog, but then I get texts and tweets and comments saying this does have an impact. The enemy just wants us to forget that we can and will do something great for God if we commit to His plan and take the steps of faith. Mandy wrote, "When He wants you to do something, He drives you crazy until you do it. And then when you rise up and meet His plans with your obedience, miracles happen."

It's not like I don't know this from personal experience already, but it's still a struggle to grab a hold of something that much bigger than yourself when you don't know how it's all going to work out. I like my nice, neat plans set up well in advance. Standing at the edge of the cliff is scary. The edge of the cliff is exactly where I am now. This book was just another poke pushing me closer to the edge.

My eyes welled up with tears, overcome with feeling how close to the edge I am right now, one of the guys I worked with gently placed a hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was just really overcome with the Holy Spirit convicting, inspiring and connecting me to someone I'd never even heard of before who lived through some of the same things I'm trudging through now. His response cracked me up. "Ok. Just don't have an emotional meltdown on the sales floor. You might scare all the customers." There was literally no one around us.

I ended up reading the entire book during that six hour shift, while still doing my job. I was THAT connected to Mandy's story. It felt like a friend updating me on their life after a few months apart, but also there was a connection with God. There were so many other moments that hit me, but I don't want to spoil the whole thing for you.

Since the book is by a single girl, I'm a single girl getting over a "close but no cigar" situation, and I know several single girls are reading, I'll leave you with this quote from Mandy: "God loves you too much to allow you to settle. And, maybe, instead of getting upset and discouraged and frustrated about not finding what you're looking for, you can get really, really grateful instead. Because the only time you don't find what you're looking for is when God has something far better for you to discover. You just have to be patient in His timing and secure enough in your worth to know that God wants to give His children the very best gifts." Patty spoke that over me Friday night on the prayer floor. "He's a good daddy. He gives good things." As I let go of another hurt, I ended up with a hug from someone I wouldn't expect. God is getting ALL of His people together for something new, so unity and His will need to take priority over finding a date right now. (As hard as that may be sometimes!)

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland

Removing branches of fruitless relationships from life, no matter how painful and challenging

I haven't felt like I've had anything worthwhile to say lately. It's just one of the fruits that shriveled up over this summer. The seasons are changing in so many ways, and I simply must share. Trust me, this all weaves together.

About a month ago, I went back to where I grew up for a wedding. My date and I planned to camp out in the backyard of the now vacant home I once lived in. Since it's been empty for more than a year, there were plants blocking the stairs to the deck and we didn't feel like risking poison ivy in the dark.

Instead, we sat and enjoyed the clear view of the stars and start of the Perseid meteor shower for a while, then got a hotel in town. It turned out to be a good thing because a pretty strong storm rolled through that night.

I didn't realize how lucky we were until yesterday, when I stopped by and saw branches down all over the place. The biggest one would have landed on my car had we stayed.

I blew it off as "nothing I can do now" and carried on with the evening's plans.

Those plans happened to be the most tame bachelorette party ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

The week before was incredibly difficult. I was coming off a profoundly painful end to a cherished relationship, but I was bound and determined to not be a Debbie downer at this party.

The bride and I have known each other about 17 years now. We grew up about a mile apart, which was the one end of our tiny town to the other and went to college together, also pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Camping on her family's ranch was a no-brainer for the party.

Several times throughout the night, I'd glance up at the sky. It was a crystal clear night, so we could see the Milky Way, some meteors bringing up the rear of the Perseid shower, and thousands of stars. It was astoundingly beautiful. When I was a kid and had something on my mind, I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. I'd sit on the front porch, stare at Orion and send my stress to the stars. I felt like this party was the same thing. Not only was I sending all the stress and hurt to the sky, it was flying away with meteors as I made wishes for this new chapter of life. It was so therapeutic and relaxing, I was able to double my sleep for the week in just one night.

This morning, I wanted to stall in town to visit the pizza shop, so I decided I'd earn some brownie points with the parents and try to clear up some of the branches. I definitely did not think this job through, but God sent me there for another reason.

The broken, dead branch was about 10-12 feet long, and about a foot in diameter at the base. Needless to say, it weighed a lot. It was caught on a lower-hanging branch and would not budge. The next 20 minutes was full of pushing, pulling, jumping, falling down, general frustration, and momentarily giving up several times. I thought to myself, "I have nothing but my body and pure, stubborn determination. I am going to get this thing cleared out of the front yard if it's the last thing I do."

Epiphany moment: that's the attitude I needed to have with the relationship.

While part of me stubbornly wanted to fix things, I was still aware that it was fruitless, broken and dead. , Unfortunately, you can't fix dead or put splinters back together.

Moving the massive branch required a lot of work and pain, but eventually, I got it loose and realized how big it really was. I almost quit again just looking at it. But then, there was this quiet little voice that said, "One piece at a time. One step at a time."  It wasn't remotely easy to do. The sharp splinters slashed my legs open. My sweat mixed with the scratches and stung, but I kept going. As I broke off smaller branches, the burden of the trunk became light enough that I could drag it.

When I got to the gate, I had to break off even more, narrowing the trunk down so it could fit through. In that moment, I found myself thinking about how nice it would be to have tools instead of just my bare hands. That voice popped up again, saying, "You have the tools to remove the dead relationship." Boom. I remembered Mary saying that when things get tough, dig in with your "kitty cat claws and don't let go." That's what I did. It was exhausting and painful, but I dragged the trunk up the slight hill and got it into the pile.

Mission accomplished.

I went back to the front yard to attack the bottom branch and realized it is still in tact. It bent from the weight of the dead piece, but did not break.

Voice: "You are that branch."

A few quotes came to mind right about then.
   1. A line from a P!nk song: "You're not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again." (Cheesy, I know.)
   2. John 15:2: "He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more."
   3. A message Autumn sent me about the situation: "I know you can live up to your calling and make Jesus proud of your strength, resilience, grace and life of honor and purpose. Stop living below your calling! You've got stuff to do that doesn't involve this silliness. Rise up, stand up and live for the one who gave everything for you."

The cuts will heal. The stinging will stop. Strength will replace the droopiness of exhaustion.

The living branch will still be there. With the dead weight pruned away, it will grow up toward the sun again. It will be fruitful.

Cementing this point, "Stronger" by Mandisa came on the radio as I started driving back home.

I'm getting back on track. This is going to make me stronger.

Valentines, Savoring Singlehood, and the Love of God

Since it's Valentine's Day, it seems like a good time to share from the plethora of relationship advice that's been flowing out at school and church. Maybe the approaching holiday that stirred the Spirit so much on the topic. That, or someone just really wasn't getting the point. As hilarious and wise as the relationship chats were, it's also been brutal. I'm ready for it to be done.

I'm going to blame Pastor James Koppang for starting this, since it is part of his class and he hit it first. His class on dating was hilarious. I didn't write down many of his quotes because I was laughing so hard. I did write down my own little piece of humor. Early on, Pastor James mention knights in shining armor not always being what they seem, so I wrote down a little gem for the lucky friends sitting next to me. (Pictured to the right.) Mad giggling ensued.

Pastor James did have some interesting thoughts on dating. He listed three things to look for.
   - 1. Do they love God in a way that makes them soft-hearted, teachable, moldable and open to God moving?
   - 2. Do you have fun together? Fun sparks are more important than the romantic variety.
   - 3. Am I somewhat attracted to them? (Because you aren't really going to care in 5 years.)

That last point ended up convicting me quite a bit later in the week. A decently good looking guy came into the bookstore I work in and bought a Bible. We talked for about 20 minutes about faith and the perception of Christians in the workplace. It was a great talk and he seemed really nice. At one point, I caught myself thinking, "if only he was taller." I have had a thing for tall guys for years, but should that really be a deal-breaker? I text one of my friends about it, "How many times have I blown off a possibly good guy because he didn't meet my shallow physical 'requirements?' I want a tall guy for entirely selfish reasons, and that isn't love." The answer is more than I really want to even think about. Attraction is important, but not an end-all, be all. In the words of Heather Eschenbaum, "Is that a man you want to raise your children with? But he's hot? Well, then, your children will be pretty punks."

Pastor James also argued against dating at all because people don't act like themselves, you can't tell if you are even friends in the cloud of romance, and it sets a pattern for divorce. One thing he said that really stuck out was, "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." It is so true on so many levels. Just let that sink in.

Heather and Autumn's classes the next day felt like a total beat down. I thought I took notes, but apparently I didn't. It was that level crazy intense. They focused on first of all, not being stupid, as well as how rushing to get married just to be in that relationship can end up with you marrying a loser who steals your destiny. Very heavy stuff. It carried into Pastor Kathy's sermon that night, when she talked about marriage not being the goal. The goal is to get married to serve God together. I feel like girls lose track of that and put too much self-worth in marital status, myself included from time to time. It's an obnoxious cycle.

Several of us thought and hoped we were done with the relationship talk that weekend... but no. It came up again Friday in Heather's class. Heather made another perspective altering point. What if  you are single now because God wants to spend time with you? Taking time to be set apart means you aren't dating in your mind at the same time. It seems obvious, but it just isn't really done. Girls talk about guys all the time. Even in my group at school, we say all the time that we aren't dating, but yet we are still looking and talking about it.

That leads up to Pastor Kathy's sermon Friday night, where she talked about maturity in relationships and operating in the love of God, not the fluffy shallow version of love our society looks for. Of course, we focused on the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13, which we really should be thinking about. Love is powerful, yet we throw that word around like it means nothing. We love pizza. We love a certain TV show. We say we love people in our lives, but do we really? Are we patient and kind, not just to those we are dating or married to, but to friends and strangers? Or are we jealous, proud and rude in our relationships? Are we really showing what it's like to chose to love people the way God loves us? Something to think about.

Yes, Valentine's Day is a dumb holiday, but I've never been one to really ignore it, no matter the relationship status. It's always been a good day to love on people, like in middle school, when my friends and I planned an auction to benefit a cancer patient we knew. It's a good day to think on what love is and what it is not. This day marks two years since I escaped my last long-term relationship, which was incredibly toxic. That really changed how I look at relationships and what I want in my life. This year, I'm spending the day with amazing friends who are running after Christ along with me. It's a much better life decision than whining about not having a boyfriend or husband. Plus, there is chocolate!