Perfectionism, Shame, Worthiness, and Oh So Much Vulnerability

Ever feel like you're seeing a word pop up repeatedly in your life and wonder if you're supposed to be learning something from it? Me too. The past couple weeks has been one of those times.

In case you didn't catch it from the title of this post, I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown lately, which started this whole journey. My book club read "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" in February, and tomorrow we will discuss "Daring Greatly." Both of these books explore her research in shame and vulnerability. Yes, it's pretty heavy stuff.

At first, I was only able to acknowledge that it is good and important information. But then, I noticed that word 'shame' was showing up everywhere. It reared it's ugly head in fictional books I was reading. It popped up in class conversations. It sparked sobbing over too-close-to-home homework for one of my classes. Situations showed up and highlighted some shame issues, especially while reading "Daring Greatly". At one point, I was reading it and saw a picture in my head of someone brushing away dirt and exposing a vast web of roots. That's a picture of how shame has infiltrated my life and I had no idea how it had shaped the person I am now and the problems that have plagued me. Through all of the 'shame' pop ups, I've been trying to figure out where it all started.

The first moment that this all started clicking into place was when Dr. Brown talked about perfectionism. I have claimed that title for so long, I can't even tell you where it started. So, imagine my feeling when reading that it's a shield against vulnerability. Brown writes, "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame... Perfectionism is, at its core , about trying to earn approval... Perfectionism is a form of shame."

Well, crap.

So, I spent a few days trying to trace it back through my life to figure out why I put so much pressure on myself and how it shapes my behavior. Needless to say, I'm not fond of the results. I won't go into it in detail here since this isn't really the proper place for all that junk, but I think it goes back to childhood. That was confirmed more in the parenting chapter of "Daring Greatly" (which I almost skipped since I don't have children.)

Don't get me wrong: I love my parents (hi mom and dad!) and they did the best they knew how with us, and this is not some blog of blame, but there were certain things during those young years that left me feeling unwanted, unloved, and lacking. Somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that if I was perfect at everything, especially the things they wanted me to be good at, then maybe it would fix everything. Maybe it would make up for every problem that I always traced back to my own existence. Shockingly enough, it didn't.

Instead, it became a pattern that infiltrated every relationship in my life. Anything less than the best is a crushing weight of disappointment and shame. I felt like I was constantly letting everyone down, from family, to coaches and teammates, to coworkers, to friends, to boyfriends. That just created a shame wall between me and everyone, and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything good. It created this cycle, especially with boyfriends, where I would force myself to go along with what they wanted, be miserable, fail to be perfect, feel unloved and unworthy, we'd eventually break up, I'd feel more unworthy and unloved, so I'd lower my standards in search of someone I could be perfect for. For example, an ex of mine just popped up out of the blue. I was hit with so much shame for how people might judge me for dating that scraggly-bearded weirdo, for I let him treat me, how I failed to be the person he wanted me to be, (even though pretty early on in the relationship, my aunt pointed out that I was not being myself when he was around, which made me realize how miserable and not into him I was, but yet I stayed with him until things exploded because I was afraid that was the best I could get).

It's a whole cycle of disaster that destroyed every bit of self-worth I had. I stopped seeing value in myself as a real person. That realization slapped me in the face first in my Honor and Authority class, when Pastor Aaron said that we are all worthy of honor because we are sons and daughters of the One True King. My immediate reaction was, "Maybe you all, but not me" and I shut down for the rest of the class. A few days later, he said he was glad I was in the class and I called him a liar. Let that sink in. I called my pastor a liar for being nice. Why? Because I disagreed with him. Why? Because I didn't feel worthy.

The thought running through my head in that moment was, "Yeah, right. No one wants you around." I constantly battle that feeling, especially in class. The shame of past mistakes built a wall between me and my classmates. While there are more cracks in that barrier with some, I still battle feelings like I'm not worthy of being there or wanted. The drive of perfectionism keeps me trapped in silence for fear of being wrong or sounding stupid. Perfectionism and shame are a really strong box that suffocates everything you're supposed to be.

Friday night, Jill prayed to break familiar spirits, and this all started clicking into place. I had struggled with reading "Daring Greatly" but was finally able to finish the second half quickly. Dr. Brown teaches that vulnerability is the way to break through shame, and that is why I am writing this.

It's a step out of the box toward a new level of freedom. But it's just one step. The other big factor is allowing the Holy Spirit to show the next one, and then following the journey. It's important because the other word that's been popping up around me lately is fierce. You can't be fierce if you have locked yourself in a box of perfectionism and shame.

Showing Worth

It's pretty hard to keep quiet about all the great things God is doing in my life and the lives of my friends. After hearing me talk about how some of it and how much I love my church, one of my newer coworkers decided to visit WRC for Friday night service, unbeknownst to me. The morning after, he told me he was there and we talked about his thoughts on the service. He said he grew up Pentecostal, so overall, it was pretty normal to him.
What stuck out to me was his view on worship. He said he always felt like a a relationship with God is just between those two, so the jumping and bowing in our revival service were a little much to him. He felt like it should be an inward expression, not outward.
 
Now let's be real, how do you react when someone does something great for you? How do you respond to someone who loves you? Keeping it to yourself does no one any good. I know plenty of girls, myself included, who jump up and down, clap, giggle, and/or squealing when something exciting happens. These things happen when we talk about those moments, or something we love and enjoy. It shouldn't be any different with God. His power and presence are exciting and creates a passionate love in us. The congregation as a whole is excited about what God has done in our lives and what He will do, an that excitement bubbles over during worship. 2 Chronicles 7:3 says, "When all the people of Israel saw the fire coming down and the glorious presence of the Lord filling the Temple, they fell face down on the ground and worshiped and praised the Lord, saying, "He is good! His faithful love endures forever."  
Psalm 89:15 says, "Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship, for they will walk in the light of your presence, Lord." And Psalm 9:1 says, "I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done."

I mentioned what Isaiah Saldivar said at the Encounter Conference in June about how people have a problem shouting praise to God at church, but don't have any issues screaming at a football game and praising their team. The Bible repeatedly says to worship with lifted hands, shouts of praise, dancing and bowing before Him.

    - 1 Timothy 2:8, "In every place of worship, I want men to pray with holy hands lifted up to God, free from anger and controversy."
    - Nehemiah 8:6, "Then Ezra praised the Lord, the great God, and all the people chanted, "Amen! Amen!" as they lifted their hands. They bowed down and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground."
   - Psalm 66:4, "Everything on earth will worship you; they will sing your praises, shouting your name in glorious songs.”
   - Psalm 100:2, "Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy."
   - Psalm 149: 1-5, "Sing his praises in the assembly of the faithful. O people of Jerusalem, exult in your King. Praise his name with dancing, accompanied by tambourine and harp. For the Lord delights in his people; he crowns the humble with victory. Let the faithful rejoice that he honors them. Let them sing for joy as they lie on their beds."
    - Psalm 150:3-6, "Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn; Praise him with the lyre and harp! Praise him with the tambourine and dancing; Praise him with strings and flutes! Praise him with a clash of cymbals; Praise him with loud clanging cymbals. Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!"

The Holy Spirit breaks the chains holding us down and sets us free. We don't have to be bound up in fear of what people will think or what is the right thing to do. Focusing on all His goodness instead of ourselves frees us of ourselves, which is actually quite nice. Not normal for this society and generation, but really refreshing when you let it happen.

He dubbed what I said a "fair point" and walked away, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

We touched on  worship a little bit in the first quarter classes at WRSM, and coming up this winter, we will dive deeper in the Foundations of Worship class. But one thing we have covered so far is what worship is. It means to give worth. I looked it up in a couple different dictionaries, and they say it means to show honor, respect and love. Respecting Him means following the plan and directions He laid out for us in the Bible. It is telling Him how great He really is, and that has nothing to do with us. It doesn't matter if we don't feel like it. His greatness doesn't change because we are in a mood. He is no less worthy of our worship and thankfulness because we had a bad day. He deserves all we have and more, so why hold back from Him? There is power in praising God despite rough situations. It shows the enemy that he has no power over us because we serve the Almighty God.

The next night at #EncounterKC, Zeke said a lot of the same things while getting worship started and the message focused on living by faith, not fear. It was a good reminder to me to let go even more of the thoughts about what I look like during worship or what people could be thinking. Coincidentally, Pastor Kathy posted a picture of me worshiping during service on her Facebook page, so I had to get over that whole thought really quickly. God works in crazy ways sometimes!

God can do so much more through a fearless person who is surrendered to Him and acknowledges who He really is. I want to be someone God can work through, and worshiping with everything I have is the starting point.

(Note: I wrote this a week and a half ago and thought I posted it, but didn't. Oops.)