Obedience Over Sleep

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I heard y'all. I haven't been writing much lately, and when I have, it's been depressing as balls. (Yes, I said "as balls." Deal with it.)

That's just the season I've been slogging through. Slogging might be too positive of a word for this situation. More like swirling around the drain of a death spiral with the occasional attempt to climb out of the stream, only to be nudged back into the flow... all while maintaining the "I'm fine" smile, because that's just what tough girls do.

But that's not really what this is about.

I timed out my day with plans to relax, get that illusive yet allegedly essential eight hours of sleep, go to the gym, then head to work. Easy peasy, right?

Wrong. I woke up about three hours into sleep time.

I tried praying, knocking off a couple items from the ever-growing to-do list, snacking, Facebooking, etc. Still wide awake. So, I grabbed the book I've been reading at the slowest possible pace, "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis.

I'm a pretty fast reader, so spending a couple months on a book is incredibly unusual. The reason it's been taking so long is that pretty much every chapter is super relevant and convicting in some way, so I only make it through one before setting it down to stew and chew on it.

Today was no different. Of course, the first chapter I read (no, I'm not gonna tell you which one, sucker!) was directly related to that thing I was praying about. I kid you not. My brain went into overdrive thinking about her story and the similarity to mine, which I was so not here for. Hard pass.

So, I read another one to distract myself. Spoiler alert: IT MADE IT ALL WORSE. Now, my brain is all fired up on multiple things. Thanks for that, Rachel.

I tried to sleep it off, but that's just not how God works, is it?

Nope. He had to plant a some bloggable thoughts into my brain that were not going to go quietly. Here's how this argument went down.

God: *plants ideas*
Me: Cool. I'll do it later.
God: I've heard that before. You never wrote those posts.
Me: My bad. But, I'll really do it tomorrow.
God: No, you won't.
Me: I need to sleep! I work early tonight!
God: And?
Me: If I go write, I'll be tired and sucky at work.
God: I'll sustain you.
Me: But...
God: WERE YOU NOT LISTENING IN CHURCH SUNDAY? Didn't Koppang just preach about obedience?
Me: Yeah, but...
God: Okay, now you are going to write about obedience first.
Me: *Sighs and grabs laptop.*

Yes, I'm stubborn. Whatever. Don't act like you aren't too.

Pastor James' point Sunday was that obedience to the voice of God will result in a better life. It will solve your problems because you aren't doing things in your own strength, but rather relying on Him to guide you on the path He designed for you. Had the children of Israel obeyed, their lives would have been much easier.

Disobedience is pretty childish, isn't it?

How many times do you hear Christians saying that they want to be used by God, but then prioritize their own agendas over an opportunity to serve? Oh, so guilty on that one. How many times has that been you?

It's pretty hard for God to move when His people are being stubborn children who won't pick up their mess and share their toys. We can pout or throw a fit about it, but what ends up happening? I don't know many parents who will reward that kind of behavior. God is a Father who wants to heap rewards and blessings and goodness onto our lives because He loves us and we are His. But, He's a good and just Father, so misusing our free will can become a hindrance to our own blessings if we let it.

All He wants is obedience.

So, here I am, writing when I should be sleeping. (Well, my alarm just went off, but that plan to workout is now off the table! Ha!) I guess we will see how this obedience over flesh thing works out for me.

P.S. To the prayer warrior who, after the message on obedience, spoke over me that God would wake me up when I'm sleeping to talk, could you redirect that prayer with a better time frame? Please?!

Beginning My 30 Before 30 Challenge

Today is my half birthday.
That means I have 18 months left in my 20's, which is pretty crazy to think about. Aging is weird. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

In order to make sure I don't waste what's left of the decade, I decided to join a not-so-spiritual trend I've seen all over the internet: the 30 before 30 challenge. If you're unfamiliar with it, the goal is to pick 30 things you want to do before your 30th birthday, do them, and document the ensuing madness.

Creating this list was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I wanted it to be more activity and adventure focused, but considering time/money constraints and how much of my bucket list is already complete, it was pretty hard to come up with things. I asked friends for ideas, read dozens of other lists, and tried to think of things I haven't done so far in this life.

So, here goes nothin'.

1. Publish a book. I've started writing a couple, but never got around to finishing one, much less try to get it in print.
2. Get into Hall H. I regret not even trying to get into the throne room of nerd mecca last year. I have my pass lined up for San Diego Comic Con 2018, so this is the time to spend a night camping outside with strangers.
3. Go skydiving. Because, why not?
4. Create something and sell it. Someone offered me $75 for a calligraphy piece I did in high school, but my mom said no. It's haunted me ever since. Yes, I'm still annoyed.
5. Pay off student loans. Because I'm so over those monthly payments, obviously.
6. Cook through an entire cookbook. This could be quite the adventure from multiple angles. Who wants to volunteer to eat it with me?
7. Watch 50 of AFI's 100 best movies. I can't tell you how many times I've answered no to a question that starts with "Have you seen...?". Alex is pretty pumped about this one.
8. Learn a ballroom dance. Maybe I'll become more graceful. Maybe I'll just smash a few feet and fall down. I guess we'll just have to see.
9. Go to a national park. Somehow, I've managed to have not visited one so far. I mean, I saw the Grand Canyon from a plane, but I don't think that really counts.
10. Go to a book expo. Just another way to prove my nerdiness.
11. Read more classics. I loved them as a kid, but now I can't remember what I read or what they were about.
12. Go on a random road trip. With people or alone doesn't matter. Just hit the road and see what adventure awaits.
13. Get another piercing or tattoo. Things I've thought about doing for years, but just never got around to doing.
14. Learn basics of an instrument. Let's just say being the only one in worship classes who doesn't do anything musical was pretty annoying. Maybe I can be a little less tone deaf after this one.
15. Take a MasterClass. Those ads get me every time... especially the one with Shonda Rhimes.
16. Go ice skating. Another silly little thing I've never done.
17. NYC Comic Con. It's the only major US con I haven't been to.
18. Get my concealed carry permit. This is also on the 'things I've said I was gonna do for years but still haven't done it yet' list.
19. Go ax throwing. I mean, how much fun does that sound?! With a new place in KC, there's really no excuse to not go full Lumber Jane.
20. Take a kickboxing class. Again, sounds like fun and I've said I was going to do it for the longest time.
21. Visit at least one more continent. The ultimate goal is six continents (I have ZERO desire to freeze to death in Antarctica), but that might be a bit too much in a year and a half. Adding one more continent is at least a step toward the goal.
22. Go rock climbing. I'm not so sure I'll be any good at this one, but Maria insisted it needed to be on the list.
23. Learn to use the DSLR (and actually remember it for more than five minutes). I mean, I've gone over it a zillion times, but hasn't stuck yet, unfortunately.
24. Crochet something. Ditto previous statement. My poor grandmother has tried, but I just can't get past chaining. It's pathetic, especially considering how much I knit.
25. Scrapbook the European trip. I keep saving stuff to scrapbook, but need to sit down and do it. That trip was so wild, I need to get it down before I forget it all.
26. Take a Krav Maga class. As many rando creepers as I deal with, I should probably have more butt-kicking skills.
27. Go to an NFL game. I know, I know, I know. I'm disappointed in myself too. How this has slipped through my fingers is beyond me.
28. Finish an entire adult coloring book. I have a pretty good sized stack of them because they are so much fun. But, since they take so much time per page, I have a bunch of books with maybe two or three pages done. Gotta stop the cycle.
29. Explore my city. I've lived in KC for nearly five years and there is so much here that I haven't done, it's kinda pathetic. World War I Museum, here I come. If I happen to move in the next 18 months, this one transfers to wherever I live.
30. Do something that makes an impact. Now, I'm not talking 'be a part of something that makes an impact.' I get to do that all the time though World Revival Church. I'm talking start something that positively influences people. Figure out something crazy and go for it. This is honestly the most terrifying thing on this list. It's not about me. It's about the world at large and putting someone else first. I guess that is what that fancy Bachelor's in Ministry is all about.

I'll share updates on the adventures as they unfold. Wish me luck.

I am curious though. What adventures do you want to accomplish before your next age milestone?

Getting Baptized The Second Time Around

It's a moment I still remember after about 20 years.

I was wearing a totally 90's frilly red dress that slightly resembled something a princess would wear, or so I thought. Despite my fever, I was in the tiny back room of the church, shivering and buried underneath all the coats we could find. I didn't become stubborn overnight, so it should come at no surprise that I refused to leave church sick.

It was baptism day and I wasn't going to miss it, not even for a fever. God is pretty cool in those moments and loves showing up. I remember Pastor Jack prayed for me while we stood in the water. He dunked me and I came out feeling so much better.

A lot can happen in 20 years, and it surely did in my life.

This past Sunday, I went back into a baptismal, this time in a different church, different state, and with a different heart. I've been asked about the why a few times, so here's the answer. It's been a long time in the making.

When I started going to World Revival Church, I got involved in the "Innocence Restored" book study within the first month. Rhonda, who was one of the leaders, told the story of her second baptism. I remember sitting in Dean'na's living room and thinking that maybe I should do that too. It's a thought that was always floating around my brain for nearly three years.

Getting that thought to become reality was a challenge. Every time a baptism came up, something kept me away. I watched the first one on streaming from work and reaffirmed in my mind that it was something I would do... eventually. It was just so amazing to watch.

If you haven't witnessed a WRC baptism, you are missing out. It's not a separate ceremony, but rather, baptism is a celebration incorporated into worship. The tub is set up to the left of the stage on the floor. While the congregation worships, the pastoral staff takes turns helping people into the water one at a time. When the person is lifted out of the water, there is an abundance of cheering, clapping, raised hands, and tears. The Spirit of God gets so thick in the room, and it's deeply moving to witness.

They announced the April 2nd date, but I didn't really think much of it. I knew I had plans the night before, plus there was an 11-hour overnight shift of work between dinner and church and another one immediately following service time. I figured I'd take a nap at work and avoid falling asleep on the drive home.

But at the event the night before, one of our school leaders talked to us about jumping off the cliff with God when He asks. She felt like some things she was supposed to do in life are not really options anymore because she responded to God too slowly. 

It didn't really hit me until I was driving home to change before work. Maybe this was one of those moments where I was responding slowly. After all, it's been nearly three years since I first thought of doing it here. The other thought that came up was Pastor Aaron telling me during a minor meltdown that he saw me as restored, even though most people are still dragging their feet about it. The action of getting baptized itself wasn't the only part that would show restoration. God told me that doing it with a certain person would bring about healing.

Before I even met Emily, I saw her as a little sister. We had some rough times, but we have been working through stuff together and growing closer together over the past few months of school. She has grown so much in that time, and I frequently catch myself watching her in awe of her heart and passion for God. While we are friends again, people don't seem to get that it's possible. We have both been amused by the weird looks that flit across faces when they see us together. The night before baptism, she even crawled up into my chair with me and we played on Snapchat for quite some time. So, when God said doing it with her would bring restoration, I believed Him.

There in my car, with about 10 hours until the service, I decided I was getting baptized again. Beyond that, I told God that when I came out of that water, the hurts of the past that I'd been carrying around were going to stay in that water. I mean, if He could use baptism to heal me of whatever sickness I was dealing with as a child, he most certainly could do this too.

I hadn't told anyone that I was going to do it, other than the church. Emily's face when she turned around and saw me in the matching shirt cemented that it was the right thing. She immediately hugged me. I was in line with my precious friends Emily, Kortney, and Issac for the baptism, with Rachel and Sarah acting as our towel girl and photographer. We were shaking, laughing and crying through the wait. 

Throughout the whole line of baptisms, the band played the song "Back to Life" which has about the most perfect lyrics for that moment.

"I, I’m coming back to life 

I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I lay down my weakness
I take on Your strength
I lay down my defenses
I step into Your victory
Resentment, depression & all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addictions, strongholds & every disease
They have no power over me."

When I came up out of the water, I felt so much lighter, it's ridiculous. I said "woah" and then realized I couldn't see anything for a minute, thanks to my contacts moving out of place. The presence of God was so sweet in that moment. The girls and I just stood dripping wet near the line hugging each other and watching the rest of the group get dunked. I saw a few confused people staring at us, but felt them getting the point that the time for judgement is past.

When all was said and done, more than 50 people were baptized that morning. You can see the video montage of it here.

The rest of that day was so wonderful. Even when customers tried to get snippy with me, I didn't care. The peace and joy of Jesus were so strong, and have carried along through the past week. It's really hard to put into words how incredibly life changing one seemingly simple moment can be.

Before and After Alcohol: 2.5 Years of Sobriety

Before and afters... fun and awful all at the same time.

This time of year makes people a little nostalgic on its own, but the end of the year isn't on my mind tonight. Today marks 2.5 years since my last alcoholic drink. It's a thought which pops up every six months or so, as you already know since I have this little tendency to document some random thoughts in writing on the internet for all to see. 

This time, the thought came up because of people.

Not long ago, I went to a football game at my Alma Mater and spent some time chatting with a media friend, David. His boss quipped that it felt like an intervention standing between us, since David and I are both in the early years of sober life. It sparked a conversation about our before and afters. I was going to post a couple pictures to highlight the change, but I can't locate the old one on Facebook and the new one was blurry. The first one was of us and other media people dancing in the rain at a rooftop bar in Austin, Texas. Needless to say, there wasn't much life in that picture. Now, there is a difference in both of us. There is a spark of life in both our eyes and the smiles in that picture are far more sincere and full of joy.  

It's so cool to see how God has transformed David's life since he gave up alcohol. His almost daily thankful tweets about God's grace and favor are evidence of the change. David's story reminds me of how lucky I am that I was able to quit without problems and public attention, but he's handled it so well. I'm so proud of how he's handled everything and turned his life around for the better.

The before and after was highlighted further the other night when I went to my Alma Mater's basketball game in town with a friend from church. During the first half, I got a Snapchat from a college friend who was also there. Will came and sat in the empty seat on my other side and I could feel the difference in the weirdest way. We reminisced about days past and it was almost painful to think about the trash I was during that time (I mean, I met him at a bar during a pub crawl...), while on my other side, was my more innocent and suddenly very quiet friend. I felt the need to apologize to her, while shushing Will's profanity and more ridiculous stories. 

After the game, I walked by a bar where a friend from my drinking days now works. I hadn't seen him in almost three years, so my underage church friend waited outside while I ran inside to say hi. It was so strange to see him after all this time. We were friends at work but our friendship lacked depth from all the time we had spent together but couldn't remember. Now, he's also on the road to leaving booze in the past, but he faces a different set of challenges of sobriety as the cliché alcoholic working in a bar. While David's eyes had a spark of hope, John's eyes showed the struggle he's facing and a deep hunger to move forward, which I pray he's able to do successfully.

The girl they used to know is not the one who exists today, a fact which brought a wave of relief while I walked away from the game. Heck, I'm not even the same girl I was a year ago when I wrote about being 18 months sober. That post created a connection with someone in the industry who had to give up alcohol himself. Through knowing him, I learned to stand up for myself, what I need and what is right, even though it didn't all happen right away. A shared experience created a connection which fostered growth, which is really what life is all about. 

People are our treasure, despite all my claims to the contrary when dealing with horrible, rude customers. What matters is that we do our best to help each other along in the journey and foster growth in others. While I've come a long way, it's wonderful to see how far my friends have traveled on their own journeys as well.

"Resentment, depression and all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addictions, strongholds and every disease
They have no power over me

I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You, Jesus."

- "Back to Life" by James Galbraith

Blindsided (AKA: The Devil Is A Jerkfaced Toolbag Who Needs To Go Away)

To say last week was rough is the understatement of the century. There were a ton of small things that left me frustrated, but the two things left me barely hanging on. Considering what was happening at the church over the weekend, there is only one reason for it. The devil is trying to distract me so I'll lose my footing.

The first blindside attack happened on Thursday. I had just told someone in class that I was going to skip my (free) Cirque De Soleil tickets to go to the Dustin Smith concert. When I walked out of class, I heard a very familiar voice, squealing what at first sounded like my name (and later realized it was someone else's name.) Right out side of the school stood my ex boyfriend/best friend.... the one I haven't talked to in two months, and since letting go, my life started falling into place.

Seeing his face was like a punch in the gut.

I'm not going to lie and say I kept my cool. I most certainly did not.

With nowhere to go, I ended up all but running to my car. I sat there for about 10 minutes, unable to breathe and trying not to puke. I was mad no one warned me. I was mad he was back in town at all. I was freaking out that I wasn't ready to be anywhere near him, considering the pattern of the past year. I am finally in a good place, and boom, I'm struggling to stay on my feet again.

I texted my battle buddies who know the situation, and thank God for those women! They all basically said the same thing. I'm on the right path, so distractions, destruction and tests are going to pop up. Jacque and I have had several conversations about how we were both on a loop where we'd get close to where we are supposed to be, but we'd screw up and have to take another lap, but lately, we've been taking the exits to keep moving forward. This was one of the forks in the road where I could jump back on the crazy loop or take the exit toward the good life. It's something Heather reminded me of as well, saying "don't fall into old traps." That reminded me of Patty praying for me the week before, specifically breaking old patterns. Rhonda called me and reminded me that this is my home and domain, and as such, I have the authority in this atmosphere. Right then, I decided that his presence was not going to get in my way.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. I both wanted to do something hurtful and yet make sure he's ok. It's a complicated feeling, but I now have the strength to stay away, knowing he's not part of my journey now. I took the exit instead of staying on the destructive loop. I questioned everything and had to push past some major bitterness and walls. (More on that momentarily.) Throughout the Thursday concert and Friday sessions of the conference, I constantly turned it over to God and kept reminding myself of the joy in my life right now and that he was not going to steal it.

But then came the major blindside.

In the middle of night service, they announced that my dear friend Jill had passed away.

I was running camera toward the front of the church, so I tried to keep it together, but failed. Dozens of people stared at me while tears streamed down my face until someone came to take over the camera. I joined a group of women in the foyer, holding each other and crying. Jill meant so much to us. I cried all night at work. I still cry about it. It still doesn't seem real that Jill is gone.

I met Jill at the beginning of my first actual service at World Revival Church. She was sitting in front of me, turned around and said, "You're new!" She immediately added me on facebook and told me that she felt like I belonged here. She had no idea that I had applied for jobs in other states that very morning.

Those first few weeks and months, Jill sent me updates on when services were, offering rides and saving seats whenever I could go. She introduced me to people who are now very dear friends and made sure I felt welcome and connected.

Jill was an amazing source of encouragement through all the ups and downs over the past (almost) two years. She supported my journey through ministry school. She pushed me write more whenever there was a gap in blog posts and reminded ever so often that I should start on that book. She was there for me the day of the crazy fight to make sure I was ok on all levels. I told her I felt like I needed to get a passport and she nagged me about taking steps toward it for a year. I never told her I had finally filed for it, and it arrived the same day she left the earth.

After leaving the church Friday night, I heard a song on the radio I have only ever heard on the pre/post service playlist called "Wake" by Hillsong: Young & Free. Whenever it came on at church and I was around Jill, I'd always do some crazy weird dance and she would say something along the lines of, "you know I love you since I'm still standing here while you do that." I broke down in tears hearing it on the radio, knowing I'll never be able to dance with her again and decided to play it on my show in her memory. Then, Saturday night, we had an amazing worship service. [Minor story detour: There were about three people between me and my ex. During "Spirit Break Out" I really felt like God was saying to let the bitterness go. I was still pretty upset that he was there, and had to remind myself that I control the atmosphere. We've been pushing for unity of faith and spirit, so his being there couldn't get in the way of the goal. I fought my way through it, and prayed for him. He was here for the conference for a reason, and hopefully that means he is getting help and healing too. I can't hold on to a grudge and be healed, and neither can he. Kingdom has to come first, and there was such a weight lifted during that song.] The worship set ended with "Wake." I'd never heard it live in church before either, so it hit me right in the feels. I grabbed another friend of Jill's who was nearby and said that she was with us in spirit. Instead of just crazy dancing with Jill, I let go and went full blown worship rage dance. There was so much healing in that moment, jumping around to a song that I connect with Jill, surrounded by a dancing group who also loved her and were grieving her loss,

There is a line in that song that really hit me during that moment of moshing. The song says "You're in my heart forever," which is true of this situation and reminded me of conversations with several other people. In sharing about how we met Jill and who she was to us, a couple strong women in my life said that we need to step up and fill her role. Jill saw people, not just in the physical, but she saw potential. Once she noticed the future in someone, she didn't let go. She loved people and went out of her way to care for them. She had a true servant's heart. Now we all need to step up and fill the void she left.

Honestly, I'm still struggling with how little time I spent with her over the past few months. My withdrawal from the world kept me isolated from her, followed by diving back in head first and having very little free time kept us apart lately. She had facebook messaged the group that morning, but I was at work and never responded. That haunts me. Several people have individually told me not to let that voice of guilt take root. She loved me and knew that this season of being on the right path again involves a heavy load. Our last conversation was Easter Sunday after I fell asleep a couple times in service and decided to go home. She was on camera, so we had a quick hug and she told me to get some rest and we'd see each other later. I just never made that happen.

I have so many memories with Jill... from her surprise birthday party, to helping me move in a heat advisory, to Catch Phrase on Christmas, to being on media, to just chatting at a restaurant. She didn't just tolerate my weirdness, she enjoyed it. Even though she loved Ohio State and the Cardinals, while I'm a Michigan and Tigers girl (which we debated frequently), we could look past our differences and still get along (yes, that sounds crazy, but the UM/OSU rivalry runs deep, y'all.) If I had a bad day, she would sneak a pack of Oreos into my car/ my saved seat at church/ leave them outside my apartment, even though she often lectured me about my ridiculously unhealthy sugar addiction.

I still keep waiting for her to sneak up on me at church and smack or kick me in the butt. I keep waiting to hear a story that starts and ends with "God is so cool." I miss my friend dearly, but I know she is in a better place. Jill brought us together in the first place, and the group hadn't been together as much as in the past, but she is bringing us all together again. We will get through this together, no matter what distractions the devil throws at us. The last thing she would want for her friends is for them to be distracted by an attack from the devil, especially one involving her.

We love you, Jill.

A Message To The Ladies: It's Time To Arise

A couple people asked me to write down what Pastor Kathy had me share with the women last night for those who missed it. Considering how much my computer is acting up as I try to write this, someone else definitely needs it.

This all started with my inability to sleep, which is all too common anymore. I decided I'd read for a bit and just skip women's group to rest. I reached out and grabbed "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere, but didn't make it very far. On the first page of the second chapter, there is a quote:

"If ever there would come a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known." - Matthew Arnold, 19th century British poet & philosopher

I read that and immediately thought of how things are changing at WRC. After reading the chapter, I took a picture, sent it to Pastor Kathy, and thought I was going to sleep. Wrong. PK asked me to read it to the ladies and suddenly I was wide awake feeling just how important this is right now.

We are coming out of the Arise Women's Conference, which was pretty incredible and I wasn't even around for all of it! I remember sitting in the control room hearing our media master, David Belich, say, "There is something different about this conference. I'm not even involved in it. I'm just around and it feels different." I shared that comment with Heather Eschenbaum and she hit the nail on the head: the unity made it more powerful.

But this isn't just the women of World Revival Church getting on the same page. There were more than 500 women at this conference. Ladies came from around the country and around the world and joined together with the same goal of chasing after God together. That unity isn't staying in Kansas City. The women who came took it home with them, along with a fresh fire. Becky Tuttle mentioned something later in the meeting that had passed through my mind during the day. There is strength in numbers. There is protection in linking shields with others. (If you've ever seen the show "Vikings" on the History channel, you know what I'm talking about there.) Our shields are wrapping around the world.

While I was speaking to the group, I shared a bit of what's been going on with me lately. I really had no intention of it and I didn't explain the bunny trail that led me to it. While I was standing beside PK and in front of the women, another line from the chapter came to mind. Bevere writes,

"Here is some of what I know about Heaven's daughter. She is lovely, intelligent, and capable. Her life is connected rather than isolated. She is loved by God and hated by Satan. She is oppressed worldwide by both subtle and obvious means."

As I looked out at the faces in front of me, "Her life is connected rather than isolated" jumped into my mind.

That is exactly where I've been living for the past 4-5 months.

I made a mistake and people close to me weren't shy about expressing their unhappiness with me. The invitations to hang out dropped off. I felt unloved and unwanted, so I protected myself by building an island. I stopped trying to be around people. I even told a couple people, yeah, it can be lonely, but there is no drama and I can do whatever I want, so I like it. My isolation kept getting more pronounced. If I wasn't on camera, chances are I wasn't in service either. I fell right into where the enemy wanted.

The breaking point came the Tuesday before the Arise Conference. My best friend, (yes, that one that I wrote about cutting off not long ago.... I'm a sucker for those I care about) called me and said they didn't want me to contact them for the foreseeable future. I was crushed. After crying it out for a couple hours, I grabbed my Bible and read for a while. A peace washed over me that this would be a good thing for us both. No matter how much you love someone, there is a point where you can't help them anymore and you're only hurting yourself by trying. Taking some time apart would give us both time to grow and step into who God is calling us to be. I laid there in bed that Tuesday and said, "Ok, God.... That was my last connection. I'm completely on my own now, but I just read about being together with the body. If it's time for me to come out of this isolation period, make it obvious."

Ask and you shall receive.

The next day, I felt like I should stay for the women's group, which I hadn't done before. I ended up in a group with two women I kinda knew, but never really talked to as the whole group became "salt sisters," I really connected with Leilani and immediately after we were dismissed, she asked me to lunch in a few days. I didn't tell her (until now) that she was the first answer to my prayer. One by one, all these girl dates started popping into my schedule.

I know I'm not the only one who is struggling and finding it's easier to live in isolation. If you are reading this and it's you, the time of being alone is over. It's time to step back into the body and get ready for what is about to happen. Be intentional. Let go of the resentment, bitterness, anger and hurt and jump back into the joy. Yes, it is hard, but I'm working on it right there with you. I went to hug Jacque during the conference and she immediately told me, "There is no waiting period between messing up and coming back. You pick right back up where you left off." It hit me so hard that I wrote it in my journal the second I got back to my seat. That word isn't just for me. Someone else out there needs to jump back in the race and start running again. We can feel the revival bubble is about to burst over us in a whole new way. You have to be there to be a part of it. Women are going to play a big role in this next wave and we need strength in numbers. Lionesses live and hunt in packs, so it is time for us to start doing the same.

If you aren't isolating yourself, look around. Notice who is missing and encourage them to come and be a part of what's coming. Notice who is fading away and reach out to them. Simply asking someone how they are doing or inviting them to do something will help. This doesn't need to be within our own friend groups. Unity isn't a bunch of cliques that aren't fighting. We all need each other. That's why Pastor Kathy is having us get into tiny groups and connect. We need people in our lives that don't fit nicely into our comfort zones. We need everyone's strengths and perspective in order to see the whole picture and be successful.

Bevere writes that she thought her dream meant she was the lioness, but later realized it is all the women of God. We have to step up together.  Like Arnold said, we need to come together simply for the good of mankind. What better good is there for mankind than the hope and life we receive through Jesus?! We carry a power inside us that we can't fully understand, but it is a force the world has never known. Women have been labeled as catty and fought each other for pretty much forever. It's time to shut down that stigma and show what the power of God can really do around the world.

Now is the time to get ready. Bevere writes, "Even the lioness knows she must stretch before she attempts to pounce." That got me thinking about how we will have to step out of our comfort zones as this next move happens. I prayed for God to start stretching me to get me ready, and not three hours later I had a microphone in my hand. (Which is totally not where I see myself, so that was quite strange.) Be praying for the open doors and that we are all ready to walk through them and face what's on the other side.

Last year, Pastor Steve said, "The lion has roared" and the weight of it really struck a lot of people. Well, now it's time for the lioness to get up and join him to hunt down the enemy.

Sticking With Sobriety After 18 Months Without Alcohol

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd ever write: Today marks 18 months of sobriety.

I never thought I'd write it because I never planned to drink alcohol in the first place. Once I got rolling on the river of booze during my senior year of college, I didn't expect to give it up. It was an easy way to deal with the stress and hurts that happened during my early 20's. (That's another strange thought... I'm not in my early 20's anymore! Eep!) I didn't realize I was self-medicating with alcohol until after I had cut it off.

I don't know if I'm more surprised at how fast this year and a half flew by or that I actually stuck with the decision to give up drinking.

There have been so many nights where all I wanted was a big bottle of Kraken or a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat so I could put the drama into a haze for a while and breathe. This year especially was filled with losses and such painful moments that had I picked up a bottle, it would not have ended well in the slightest. However, not all of the challenges were based on avoiding feelings. Several of my drinking buddies got married and had booze-a-plenty at the receptions, but I made it through sober. There were parties and concerts, but I opted for Dr. Pepper instead. I didn't even crack open the bottle of vodka a friend gave me or one left on my desk by a PR team. I stayed strong.

The questions that came up repeatedly were how and why didn't I give in.

Honestly, there were days when literally the only reason why I didn't was because of the contract I signed as part of the School of Ministry. That was it. I didn't want to break the rules. But then, during the summer and right now, I took some time off from school to rest. That means no more code of conduct, but I have still stayed sober. There is the obvious reason for that, which is I gave it up for God. In that moment at the Encounter Conference, I knew that He was calling me to give it up. I just assumed that the reason was because it's generally viewed as wrong in the Christian community.

Now, I see now that a bigger piece of that reason was to reach people. I've shared my story on stage to a streaming community around the world, through this blog, and in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I know my story has impacted at least two people to give up alcohol as well, and there is a third that I really hope will listen soon. The thought of impacting people's lives like that because I made one decision to follow a calling is a little overwhelming.

Plus, all that exposure keeps you honest. There is this voice in the back of my head reminding me that if I were to drink, I'd be just another hypocritical Christian. I try really hard to not add to that mess. I saw this quote meme online saying something along the lines of "God didn't give you the strength to stand up so you could run back to the thing that knocked you down." Standing strong is a battle, but one I can't afford to lose because I don't want to reflect badly on God and those who serve Him along with me.

The past 18 months have been a challenge, and I'm sure sticking with this in the months ahead will present themselves with similar problems, but it's a challenge I will overcome. I know where my strength comes from.

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland

One Year Since The Revival Journey Began

It's hard to believe a whole year has passed since I walked through the doors of World Revival Church for Dustin Smith's live recording. I could believe six months, but not a year. Maybe it's because I've routinely been awake for two days straight that it doesn't seem possible, but this is reality.

I don't know that I can put it into words how much my life has changed over 365 days. If you put that version of me next to who I am today, I don't think you would even realize they were the same person. It's hard to even write about that person because she is so far removed from my life, I don't know who she was. She was an angry, emotional mess.

But now, I'm a different kind of emotional mess. There is a new softness, which actually bugged me at first. It's not a good trait for my day job, with all the death and destruction I see and write about on a daily basis. Now, I cry over stories. Number one on Heather's list of questions is who did you see? Now I look at people in a slightly different light. Don't take that as claim perfection, because I still struggle with being patient and compassionate with those who are rude, but I don't get so angry about customers and callers who need extra attention.

My coworkers will tell you I'm a heck of a lot nicer and easier to work with now. One new manager was told all about who I used to be when she started. Later, she informed me of the warnings she received and said she didn't see it. Progress.

God blessed me so much during this year. I got a new car, new apartment, more responsibility at work, and a great group of people around me. I've learned so much in school and in church. 

This year has been a challenge, especially the past few months, but God has given me the strength to hold on and surrounded me with people who fight for me when I need it. There aren't words to explain how thankful I am for the amazing friend who have spoken life and strength over me or enjoyed a night of laughter and shenanigans. I haven't felt like writing lately, since all of my energy has one into just surviving each day. But then there is this hope I don't think I've ever really had before. The situations of the past couple months are only temporary. My God is a good Father who wants nothing but good for his children. The enemy is on the prowl, but he will not win because God is greater.

 Who knows what the next year will bring, but I'm about to find out.

Letting Go And Letting God

To say this past week started out on a sour note is putting it lightly.

I won't say what happened, since even the most vague of explanations would imply who else was involved, and I don't want it to be any more distracting than the situation already is. Just embrace the fact that I was in a total ginger rage for a couple days. It probably didn't help that I worked a ton and barely ate during that time. (Like, I'm talking 4 Oreos and 5 pretzels in nearly 40 hours kind of not eating.)

But then, along came Wednesday.

I was so excited to get through the day, and finally have two days off in a row. I got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Womp womp. The series of events that followed were frustrating, yet absolutely hilarious (and too long to include.) In the end, it took four journalists and a gallon of gas to not only get my car started, but to start shaking off the grump that had overtaken my week.

During my break at my part-time job, I decided to catch up on the One Year Bible reading I started with some friends, but seriously slacked off. The first day I went through included Proverbs 5:12-14, which says, "You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings. Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” It really got under my skin because of the situation. Those most directly involved, including myself, were given instruction, advice, and warnings. We acknowledged that most of it made sense. But, yet, we ignored it. Ignoring the warning ended up carrying a heavy price and became a distraction to the public around us. The annoyance of the whole thing was also trying to turn into anger and bitterness, but I know I can't let that take hold.

So, I did the only thing left to do in the situation: let go and give it to God. I can't waste my time worrying about the situation. I am still concerned for those involved because I do care about them, but I can't let the problem become the focus of my life. Yes, the situation still bugs me and gets under my skin, but I had to let as much go as I could before it made things worse.

Thursday, I spent the day off doing things I keep saying I'm going to do. I joined a gym, went for a walk in the sunshine, spent time with a friend, cleaned my car and apartment, read my Bible, did my hair and went to prayer service. Friday, I went to a work meeting, hit the gym again, had a great lunch and chat with a friend, and started trying new things. As simple as it is, trying something different, like red lipstick and different hair products, on top of working out really helped to shift my mood. More time in the Bible was changing my perspective. I was on camera Friday night, so I only caught part of it, but Pastor Kathy preached on the goodness of God. It reminded me, again, to stop looking at the problem. Stop looking at the hurt. Focus on the bigger picture. This situation is only temporary, but God's goodness is permanent. Whatever happens and comes next will be good because that's what he promised. Psalm 27:13 says, "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

I'm still living so there is still goodness ahead. I'm trying to focus on the good happening around me every day, like going to Planet Comicon, meeting one of my favorite authors, and getting free ice cream. There are still moments I am bummed or angry, but they are more spaced out now. I refuse to let the enemy distract me and get me off track,

School starts tomorrow, so it's time to buckle down and get focused again.

Don't Be Shaken

The struggle is real.

I don't know how many times I've clicked on "new post" or opened my journal but nothing makes it onto the page. It's not like nothing is happening. January was a whirlwind month on so many levels, but nothing would come out. I even started this post a week ago and just never could finish it. I've tried so many times, I don't remember where I was going with it, so I'm just going to let it be and move on.

Maybe it's the weight of everything that happened and the words spoken that's made it hard to write about. I've felt like some big change is on its way for a little while, and that was really confirmed over the past two weeks. As I started writing this, I was streaming service from World Revival Church. Pastor Steve Gray just mentioned preparing by getting passports, which has been on my mind for a while. This is on the heels of Pastor Steve declaring at the women's conference, "The lion has roared" and Autumn really pushing the students to be more disciplined, eliminate options, and to know who we are so we won't be shaken.

Right now feels like the shakedown. So many of my friends and I have been fighting through a myriad of struggles and attacks. It sucks that it is all at the same time. It makes us harder to be there for each other when we have our own problems. It pulls us out of community, which is one of the places we draw strength. That is to be expected since we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. He isn't going to make things easy for us in the slightest. But we will overcome because Yahweh is with us. A couple things Autumn said in class last Friday that stood out were, "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and you are doing it wrong" and, "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." Of course, that night, Pastor Eric introduced a new song with the line, "shake everything that can be shaken." The classmate I sat with and I could not get through the line without giggling. (Of course, as I wrap this post up, the church is singing it again.) Pastor Tom's sermon hit on a lot of the major points from the week's classes, affirming everything we had been talking about. Something big is coming... the season is changing. But in order to get to the change, we have to fight to hold on... fight to stand our ground. We will not be shaken.

2014: The Rough Ride

It's that time of year where everyone gets all nostalgic about the previous 12 months, myself included. Maybe that's because I have to write a bunch of top (fill in the blank) stories for work, or maybe it's just natural to look at how you got to this point when something comes to a close. Writing this year in review type post is something I've done every year since middle school, but this year, part of me doesn't want to look back on the mess that it was.

Today marks a year since my last post on my "Ginger Journalist" blog. It was doing the exact same thing, looking back. A similarity between the 2013 and 2014 is how a song I listened to at the beginning of the year really played out in my life. Last year, it was "Weightless" by All Time Low. This year, my first Facebook post was lyrics to "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. That was right before things got crazy, and I had no idea that it would start to happen.

To say 2014 started off on the wrong foot would be putting it lightly. My apartment flooded on January 1st. I ran over myself with my own car on January 2nd. Two people I knew were murdered in January. Things deteriorated quickly at my career job, which was my whole world at the time. I dated some really fabulous guys that I met on Tinder (those words are dripping with sarcasm... the app isn't worth it most of the time) and my family finished moving away. The first few months destroyed me, but it was only setting me up for the 180 that started in the middle of May. But that transformation forced me into the most difficult decision of my life: follow my career and move or follow God and stay. It seems pretty obvious, but it stressed me out for weeks. 

It's slightly amusing to compare what I wanted from 2014 to what actually happened. I wanted to be a part of a book club, which I did start, but it ended when I quit drinking. The epic birthday party I imagined at the beginning of the year didn't quite go how I thought, but that also involved being sober. I wanted to learn to like wine. Didn't happen.  Scrapbook, draw, or go to the gym? Nope, nope, nope. All that disappeared in the craziness of revival. My list did include finding a church and going once a month, so at least I got that covered. 

2014 did have some bright spots, like getting nominated for two more Emmy's. I didn't win either, but getting nominated is still pretty cool. I went to the theatre and KC Symphony with my dear friend, Aubree. The Doomsquad got back together (mostly) for a night to watch and celebrate a Wildcat victory over the Jayhawks. I went to a live recording of a worship album. I saw a bunch of bands live (Brandon Heath, Mandisa,Third Day, Skillet, Newsboys, Tenth Avenue North, Lecrae, Newsong, Thousand Foot Krutch, Colton Dixon, Veridia, Demon Hunter, Red). I put my friends on TV multiple times. I took my littlest sister to her first Red Wings game. I produced some fun shows complete with dancing weathermen, and handled some intense breaking news. I went to Worlds of Fun's media night with friends and coworkers. I became a member of WRC on my 25th birthday and then got involved with the media crew. Getting to learn to use a jib camera and be a technical director are pretty awesome things on their own, but to do it so others around the world can hear of God's goodness is beyond special. This year, I also moved to a bigger apartment and got a better car, which just proves that God provides for His children.

One of my favorite things from 2014 was going to Washington D.C. for the first time, then driving down to Bedford, Va., for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day invasion. My friend Monica and I got to meet some truly amazing veterans and record their stories. One day, we will get the documentary finished and share their stories with the world. I'm still in awe of those men. 

That trip was in between the first night at World Revival Church and the Encounter Conference, and that is when the Brandon Heath lyrics started kicking in. Getting to hear such powerful stories started opening my eyes to see people differently. "Give me your eyes so I can see/ Everything that I keep missing/ Give me Your love for humanity. Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted/ The ones that are far beyond my reach. Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me Your eyes so I can see." You never know what someone has been through just by looking. You have no idea what they are carrying with them. I deal with a lot of people between my main two jobs and I didn't care about who they were or where they've been. But over the past 7 months, God has been softening me up and developing more compassion in me. I've teared up more in the past couple months than I can remember in the past couple years. It's the strangest thing, but my WRC friends keep telling me it's good, and I trust them. I mean, it's hard to genuinely show God's goodness to the world when you are heartless and cold. In softening up, I'm taking a little more time with some of the people I encounter throughout the day. That's given me an opportunity to share how God changed my life, planting a seed that could become someone's harvest. You never know how your story can impact others.

My list of things to do in 2014 included make new friends, which absolutely happened at WRC. I did lose old friends in my transformation though. It sucks, but sacrifice is part of the deal. I had to give up things I used to love to make time and space for God. Those who didn't support my new path or got in the way got left behind. Sometimes I miss them and the things we used to do, but I know it's for the best. I mean really, who would have guessed I'd only watch two KSU football games this season? Not me, that's for sure. I didn't think I could give up drinking or going out with my drunkard friends, but God took that from me when I turned it over to Him.

I am truly thankful for the new people in my life. I never felt like I fit in with people before this year. Granted, there are still certain groups where I feel out of place, but it's not nearly as often as it used to be. It's so nice to be accepted because I'm quirky, not in spite of it. These friends from class and church have been there for me through all of the rough patches on the back half of the year (including the loss of three friends from college), they've jumped into shenanigans with me, joined in eating way too much junk food, laughed with me, and become people I will fight for. Several of these people have become far closer than friends, but family.

With my family gone, I now appreciate them a lot more. Who knew that would ever happen?! Getting to talk to a sibling on the phone is a serious highlight to my day. Whenever they visit, it's like an explosion of crazy. I wish they were around more, but I know we all made the right choices for ourselves. I'm supposed to be here chasing God and they need to take care of Grandpa. The 800 miles between us really make time together more valuable.

I picked "Fix My Eyes" by For King and Country as the song for my year in pictures because of its lyrics. The first half is about what you would want your younger self to know if you could go back and give advice. That's like the first half of my year where I was kinda off the rails. The second half is about knowing what you need to do and following the Lord's orders. Like Autumn said in class, your only answer is "Yes, Sir." That means fixing your eyes on Him and doing whatever it takes to reflect Jesus and become more like Him. I really love the line that says, "The things of earth are dimming/ in the light of Your glory and grace." It's a reminder that the things of this world don't even come close to what God has in store for us. My love for things of this world has been fading this year. The more I'm at church or school or reading the Bible, the more I want to do those things, instead of chase after the things I used to enjoy doing more than anything.

I haven't really thought about what I want out of 2015. I thought way too much about 2014, and look how that turned out. No matter what lies ahead, I know God is with me and He will continue to prove His faithfulness and goodness. The year of the Lord's favor is upon us.

(This post is in memory of the friends I lost in 2014: Hal Sasko, Daniel Flores, David Garrett, Darryl Blackmon, and Courtney Mooney)

Finding Freedom

I pretty much haven't stopped smiling in nearly 48 hours, and I'm not alone. The first year students at World Revival School of Ministry ended 2014's classes with a bang... literally.

We started with our Holy Spirit class turned relationship advice from Heather. Basically, it was a lot of laughter, a lot of truth and, since it was also our Christmas celebration, a lot of sugar.

We were in a pretty good mood when our Theology of Luke class started. One of my classmates mentioned God showed him his recliner, as sign to make a place for Him. He mentioned something he was struggling with something, so we started talking about how addictions and painful moments take away our freedom to choose life and hold us prisoner. We can fight and fight, but sometimes it just doesn't break off. That's when Autumn pointed out the significance of the chair. "What do chairs do? Nothing! They just sit there!" It's not giving up. It is taking a moment to agree with God's will, that He will show His faithfulness and goodness. In Luke 4:18, one of the things Jesus says He is anointed to do by the Spirit of the Lord is proclaim freedom for the prisoners. Coming into agreement with His will is a lot more effective than fighting for your own.

However, there are times we do need to fight to prove our desire for that freedom. Our discussion on fighting got very real and raw. What stuck with me at that point was talking about how, when faced with a predator, locking up can be deadly. Autumn dropped an amazing truth bomb. "Survival isn't dignified. You can be pretty or you can be free." She said it takes kicking and screaming. Then, when Autumn said, "and sometimes, you need to bite," I knew she was speaking directly to me, but had no idea. That was how I got away during an incident in college. I didn't talk about that night for a very long time, and still never told my family what happened. I thought I was over it, but in class, I realized how that one moment had negatively impacted every relationship since and many friendships, sparking my downward spiral. I felt sick when it hit me how not ok I really was, but God wasn't done working.

Toward the end of class, Autumn tried to get class back on the plan. We turned to Luke 1, the same chapter from our first class. Autumn looked down at her Bible while the class sat in silence for a while. It felt like minutes, but it was probably only 30-45 seconds at most. She looked up with a half smile and said that she wanted to move on with the lesson, but felt like she couldn't. Then she asked, "who wants freedom for Christmas?"

We moved the tables, clumped a little more than half of the class in the front of the room. The other half were the interceders and stood behind Autumn. It was insanely intense. People in the classroom across the hall said it sounded like a roar coming from our room. It was an intense time of prayer seeking freedom for ourselves, and those we've linked shields with.

After I don't even know how long, Caila grabbed my hand and started praying with me. I had a flashback to a dream I had about a week and a half ago. (It's strange because I rarely dream or remember any details more than a few minutes after I wake up. This one, I remembered pretty clearly.) In the dream, I pushed the guy I dated most recently into an ocean, then jumped in myself. I was underwater, but wasn't wet or drowning. The ex was banging on glass between us, but I wouldn't help him. Eventually, he drowned and floated away from me. When I saw it the second time in class, I knew what it meant. Everything from past relationships was dead and floating away. All of the hurt, anger and broken trust caused by bad choice in boyfriend after bad choice in boyfriend was taken away. The glass, a barrier I couldn't see, but knew was there, was protecting me from getting swallowed back up in that ocean of struggles. A combination of the thought and the lifting pressure caused me to start laughing, at the same time as the rest of the girls on the floor started laughing. Sweet freedom.

This whole time, I was sweating, but it was only 65 degrees in the room. I was on fire and my face and chest were bright red. Rose and I went outside in the freezing cold without coats, but it didnt cool me down. Neither of us could stop giggling. We danced on the porch and threw snowballs around the parking lot like little kids. The joy of the Lord overtook all of us as we felt our new freedom. So of course, as millenials, we had to take a selfie to help us remember the moment.

When I saw the ex later that night, I no longer felt the burning desire to punch him in the face for how he treated me. I remember what I've been through so I won't fall into it again, but it no longer controls me. To say I'm thankful is an understatement.

I'm so beyond grateful for this class of amazing people and leaders who yield to the Spirit. This school seriously changes lives. But most of all, I'm so thankful for such an amazing Savior who pours out goodness and breaks the chains for His children!

Showing Worth

It's pretty hard to keep quiet about all the great things God is doing in my life and the lives of my friends. After hearing me talk about how some of it and how much I love my church, one of my newer coworkers decided to visit WRC for Friday night service, unbeknownst to me. The morning after, he told me he was there and we talked about his thoughts on the service. He said he grew up Pentecostal, so overall, it was pretty normal to him.
What stuck out to me was his view on worship. He said he always felt like a a relationship with God is just between those two, so the jumping and bowing in our revival service were a little much to him. He felt like it should be an inward expression, not outward.
 
Now let's be real, how do you react when someone does something great for you? How do you respond to someone who loves you? Keeping it to yourself does no one any good. I know plenty of girls, myself included, who jump up and down, clap, giggle, and/or squealing when something exciting happens. These things happen when we talk about those moments, or something we love and enjoy. It shouldn't be any different with God. His power and presence are exciting and creates a passionate love in us. The congregation as a whole is excited about what God has done in our lives and what He will do, an that excitement bubbles over during worship. 2 Chronicles 7:3 says, "When all the people of Israel saw the fire coming down and the glorious presence of the Lord filling the Temple, they fell face down on the ground and worshiped and praised the Lord, saying, "He is good! His faithful love endures forever."  
Psalm 89:15 says, "Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship, for they will walk in the light of your presence, Lord." And Psalm 9:1 says, "I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done."

I mentioned what Isaiah Saldivar said at the Encounter Conference in June about how people have a problem shouting praise to God at church, but don't have any issues screaming at a football game and praising their team. The Bible repeatedly says to worship with lifted hands, shouts of praise, dancing and bowing before Him.

    - 1 Timothy 2:8, "In every place of worship, I want men to pray with holy hands lifted up to God, free from anger and controversy."
    - Nehemiah 8:6, "Then Ezra praised the Lord, the great God, and all the people chanted, "Amen! Amen!" as they lifted their hands. They bowed down and worshiped the Lord with their faces to the ground."
   - Psalm 66:4, "Everything on earth will worship you; they will sing your praises, shouting your name in glorious songs.”
   - Psalm 100:2, "Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy."
   - Psalm 149: 1-5, "Sing his praises in the assembly of the faithful. O people of Jerusalem, exult in your King. Praise his name with dancing, accompanied by tambourine and harp. For the Lord delights in his people; he crowns the humble with victory. Let the faithful rejoice that he honors them. Let them sing for joy as they lie on their beds."
    - Psalm 150:3-6, "Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn; Praise him with the lyre and harp! Praise him with the tambourine and dancing; Praise him with strings and flutes! Praise him with a clash of cymbals; Praise him with loud clanging cymbals. Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!"

The Holy Spirit breaks the chains holding us down and sets us free. We don't have to be bound up in fear of what people will think or what is the right thing to do. Focusing on all His goodness instead of ourselves frees us of ourselves, which is actually quite nice. Not normal for this society and generation, but really refreshing when you let it happen.

He dubbed what I said a "fair point" and walked away, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

We touched on  worship a little bit in the first quarter classes at WRSM, and coming up this winter, we will dive deeper in the Foundations of Worship class. But one thing we have covered so far is what worship is. It means to give worth. I looked it up in a couple different dictionaries, and they say it means to show honor, respect and love. Respecting Him means following the plan and directions He laid out for us in the Bible. It is telling Him how great He really is, and that has nothing to do with us. It doesn't matter if we don't feel like it. His greatness doesn't change because we are in a mood. He is no less worthy of our worship and thankfulness because we had a bad day. He deserves all we have and more, so why hold back from Him? There is power in praising God despite rough situations. It shows the enemy that he has no power over us because we serve the Almighty God.

The next night at #EncounterKC, Zeke said a lot of the same things while getting worship started and the message focused on living by faith, not fear. It was a good reminder to me to let go even more of the thoughts about what I look like during worship or what people could be thinking. Coincidentally, Pastor Kathy posted a picture of me worshiping during service on her Facebook page, so I had to get over that whole thought really quickly. God works in crazy ways sometimes!

God can do so much more through a fearless person who is surrendered to Him and acknowledges who He really is. I want to be someone God can work through, and worshiping with everything I have is the starting point.

(Note: I wrote this a week and a half ago and thought I posted it, but didn't. Oops.)