Finding Freedom

I pretty much haven't stopped smiling in nearly 48 hours, and I'm not alone. The first year students at World Revival School of Ministry ended 2014's classes with a bang... literally.

We started with our Holy Spirit class turned relationship advice from Heather. Basically, it was a lot of laughter, a lot of truth and, since it was also our Christmas celebration, a lot of sugar.

We were in a pretty good mood when our Theology of Luke class started. One of my classmates mentioned God showed him his recliner, as sign to make a place for Him. He mentioned something he was struggling with something, so we started talking about how addictions and painful moments take away our freedom to choose life and hold us prisoner. We can fight and fight, but sometimes it just doesn't break off. That's when Autumn pointed out the significance of the chair. "What do chairs do? Nothing! They just sit there!" It's not giving up. It is taking a moment to agree with God's will, that He will show His faithfulness and goodness. In Luke 4:18, one of the things Jesus says He is anointed to do by the Spirit of the Lord is proclaim freedom for the prisoners. Coming into agreement with His will is a lot more effective than fighting for your own.

However, there are times we do need to fight to prove our desire for that freedom. Our discussion on fighting got very real and raw. What stuck with me at that point was talking about how, when faced with a predator, locking up can be deadly. Autumn dropped an amazing truth bomb. "Survival isn't dignified. You can be pretty or you can be free." She said it takes kicking and screaming. Then, when Autumn said, "and sometimes, you need to bite," I knew she was speaking directly to me, but had no idea. That was how I got away during an incident in college. I didn't talk about that night for a very long time, and still never told my family what happened. I thought I was over it, but in class, I realized how that one moment had negatively impacted every relationship since and many friendships, sparking my downward spiral. I felt sick when it hit me how not ok I really was, but God wasn't done working.

Toward the end of class, Autumn tried to get class back on the plan. We turned to Luke 1, the same chapter from our first class. Autumn looked down at her Bible while the class sat in silence for a while. It felt like minutes, but it was probably only 30-45 seconds at most. She looked up with a half smile and said that she wanted to move on with the lesson, but felt like she couldn't. Then she asked, "who wants freedom for Christmas?"

We moved the tables, clumped a little more than half of the class in the front of the room. The other half were the interceders and stood behind Autumn. It was insanely intense. People in the classroom across the hall said it sounded like a roar coming from our room. It was an intense time of prayer seeking freedom for ourselves, and those we've linked shields with.

After I don't even know how long, Caila grabbed my hand and started praying with me. I had a flashback to a dream I had about a week and a half ago. (It's strange because I rarely dream or remember any details more than a few minutes after I wake up. This one, I remembered pretty clearly.) In the dream, I pushed the guy I dated most recently into an ocean, then jumped in myself. I was underwater, but wasn't wet or drowning. The ex was banging on glass between us, but I wouldn't help him. Eventually, he drowned and floated away from me. When I saw it the second time in class, I knew what it meant. Everything from past relationships was dead and floating away. All of the hurt, anger and broken trust caused by bad choice in boyfriend after bad choice in boyfriend was taken away. The glass, a barrier I couldn't see, but knew was there, was protecting me from getting swallowed back up in that ocean of struggles. A combination of the thought and the lifting pressure caused me to start laughing, at the same time as the rest of the girls on the floor started laughing. Sweet freedom.

This whole time, I was sweating, but it was only 65 degrees in the room. I was on fire and my face and chest were bright red. Rose and I went outside in the freezing cold without coats, but it didnt cool me down. Neither of us could stop giggling. We danced on the porch and threw snowballs around the parking lot like little kids. The joy of the Lord overtook all of us as we felt our new freedom. So of course, as millenials, we had to take a selfie to help us remember the moment.

When I saw the ex later that night, I no longer felt the burning desire to punch him in the face for how he treated me. I remember what I've been through so I won't fall into it again, but it no longer controls me. To say I'm thankful is an understatement.

I'm so beyond grateful for this class of amazing people and leaders who yield to the Spirit. This school seriously changes lives. But most of all, I'm so thankful for such an amazing Savior who pours out goodness and breaks the chains for His children!

Choose The Difficult

I'm one of those crazy people who loves a good challenge. As long as I can remember, I've lived that saying, "Tell me I can't and I'll show you I can" and that has a lot to do with my parents. My dad really modeled it for me by working multiple jobs to support us and make sure we had as many opportunities as possible. My poor parents drove me all over the region to get me to speech team, student council, service projects, whatever sport was in season, church groups, extracurricular classes, whatever competition was happening, or to hang out with my friends. They didn't complain about it (too much), but shelled out so much time and money to make sure I got to do whatever I could that might benefit me. They encouraged me to keep going after every challenge, even when people said I couldn't. When people in the school told me I couldn't play two sports in one season, my parents stood up for my desire to do so and pushed me to succeed in both. They didn't let me quit when it got hard because they knew stretching me young would benefit me down the road.

Staying busy and accepting challenges is a pattern I still follow today, but it seems like people have a harder time accepting it now. Just yesterday, one of my co-workers asked me when I was going to give up one of my jobs, claiming he feared I was stretching myself too thin. My reaction was to laugh. This person is newer here and doesn't know that this isn't a new pattern for me. I don't just survive being busy, I thrive in it. There was a time after college where I tried living like a "normal person" with one job, but I went stir crazy with so little to do.

Just a couple hours after explaining to my co-worker that I am fine and will continue to be as long as I'm listening to God's direction, I went to the afternoon session of the Power and Presence Conference. Pastor Steve was speaking about the ten attitudes we need to have to move into the secret place with God. The first thing he said was believing that we are available for "Unlimited Use." If Jesus didn't put limits on what could be done on earth, why should we limit what the Holy Spirit can do through us? We focus on being perfect and only doing something if we know we can do it well. One thing Pastor Steve said that really stuck with me is, "our job isn't to be successful, it's to be obedient." There is no limit to what He can do, and when we follow his direction, it gives Him a vessel to move through. It's not possible by our own power, but His... something the Bible says repeatedly. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Mark 10:27 says, "And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible." It's also mentioned in Matthew 19:26, Luke 1:37, and Luke 18:27. Then, when we are obedient so God can do what He wants, He blesses us by allowing us to do some of the things we want. As Pastor Steve said, "I'll increase when I operate on God's terms."

All the time, people ask me things like how am I awake or how I'm still standing. The answer is simple: the power of God. He put me in a position where I can spread messages and meet a wide variety of people. He told me to go to World Revival School of Ministry, so I obeyed, (even though moving to be with my family sounded like a more comfortable idea.) Because I obeyed, He breathes the life and energy into me that I need to keep going.

Just because it is possible, doesn't mean it is going to be easy. Pastor Steve's "number C" point was "Choose the Difficult." God didn't take the easy path in sending His Son as a sacrifice for us, so we shouldn't expect everything He requires of us to be a breeze. Matthew 7:13-14 says, "You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." When we choose the difficult path, not only is it making us stronger, we are giving the Lord an opportunity to show How powerful He is by working through us. I can't tell you how many times during the first quarter of school where I depended on Him to flow through my hands so I could get a paper done in time and for the energy to stay awake in class. I thank God for creating caffeine for me! An idea Pastor Steve mentioned that I had never thought of was, when we pick something hard, it gives us something to talk to God about and pray about. So not only are we building endurance, perseverance and strength through the situation, we are deepening our relationship with Him and becoming more dependent on our Heavenly Father. 1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."


In the night service for the conference, Pastor Steve talked about how important it is to participate. He said, "The healing power and presence of God happens through participation." When we are passive, we make ourselves easy targets for deception. But when we are active in our faith, it pleases God and makes us available for His use. That action won't be easy, but it will be worth it. 2 Peter 1:10-11 says, "So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things and you will never fall away. Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 

My life is crazy right now, but God hasn't told me to drop anything. It's hard, but He gives me the strength and energy to do it every day. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be part of WRC and go to the school of ministry. It's preparing me for whatever God has next. I want to be as ready as possible for that task, so I choose the difficult now.  

Pushing Through The Hard Times

I started writing something completely different, but then life happened. Yesterday was a really rough day.

I should have known something was up when ALL the junk food stashes at work were empty, including my Oreo drawer. This sounds pretty ridiculous, but it is actually incredibly rare for there to be no junk food laying around. It's how we get through the day... That and insensitive jokes.

It just seemed like one thing on top of another at work. I won't go into it, but we were not a happy bunch. Not even a little.

Midway through my shift, my dad forwarded me a tweet that one of my college friends was shot and killed overnight. I refused to believe it, scouring the web and wires for some kind of story. I called our sister station in Cleveland and had them look, but nothing. When all his former teammates started posting, I knew there had to be something to it. I reached out to a couple, which I hate doing, but my school truly means it when we say we are a family, especially among athletes.

Right before I left, my Cleveland people called to say it was confirmed. David was gone. I wasn't very close with him at all, but it still got to me. We officially met during the Black and Purple music video shoot and then chatted a bit in the weight room. He would hit on me and I'd laugh it off. We hadn't talked since he left college, but his death still got to me.

This marked the third homicide of someone I know this year. Maybe that fact got to me. Maybe it's that he was my age. He was a good dude, and hearing that someone killed him really bugged me, to the point of stupidity.

A college ex of mine just moved to town. Since he had met David, I, for some unknown dumb reason, thought it would be a good idea to hang out. Lunch was fine. Watching World War Two documentaries and knitting while we talked was fine. But, at some point, I fell asleep. I woke up, knowing Encounter service was not too far off, yet I was completely fine in not moving. I kept thinking cuddling sounded like a much more comfortable option and I could just skip church. He, of course, made a move and I realized I needed to leave and get to church immediately. While driving, I thought about skipping again, since I didnt have time to change or put on makeup or anything. But as I got closer tot he exit, I knew I needed to go. God loves me even though I look like crap. Things were already started at church, but being sad and annoyed at the world were not good enough reasons to skip church.

I made it just in time for the end of fellowship time. I walked over to one of my friends and I think she knew something was up. I told her about David that I almost didn't show. She spoke peace over me and David's family and declared that the Spirit would overwhelm me with during the service.

Boy, was she right.

Everything from the beginning of worship until dismissal was powerful and went by incredibly fast. I lost my voice singing and screaming out for God. Pastor James talked about how the list of, "if I can just have/do this, I'll be happy" will never end. The only thing that satisfies is the presence of God, and man, was it thick in that room. I could feel the weight of it. There may have been some tears, which for me is pretty unusual. But it was so good to just soak and let all the crap of the day go. And the fellowship after was great too. I have some awesome friends at WRC and I am so thankful they are in my life.

On my way home, I was thinking about how whenever I almost don't go to church, it is always really powerful. People always say things like, if God is real, why do bad things happen to good people? Well, crap happens because we have an enemy. The enemy knows the peace and power waiting for us when we spend time with God, so he tries to keep us away from it. The enemy wants us weak. But when we fight back and push harder for God, He rewards us with His presence. I feel like the more the enemy throws at me to make me want to stay home, the better that service ends up being once I shake it off and go. Last night's Encounter service was one of those nights. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are running after God in such a passionate fashion.

I am also thankful I got to know David. Rest in peace, Rat. You are missed.