Blindsided (AKA: The Devil Is A Jerkfaced Toolbag Who Needs To Go Away)

To say last week was rough is the understatement of the century. There were a ton of small things that left me frustrated, but the two things left me barely hanging on. Considering what was happening at the church over the weekend, there is only one reason for it. The devil is trying to distract me so I'll lose my footing.

The first blindside attack happened on Thursday. I had just told someone in class that I was going to skip my (free) Cirque De Soleil tickets to go to the Dustin Smith concert. When I walked out of class, I heard a very familiar voice, squealing what at first sounded like my name (and later realized it was someone else's name.) Right out side of the school stood my ex boyfriend/best friend.... the one I haven't talked to in two months, and since letting go, my life started falling into place.

Seeing his face was like a punch in the gut.

I'm not going to lie and say I kept my cool. I most certainly did not.

With nowhere to go, I ended up all but running to my car. I sat there for about 10 minutes, unable to breathe and trying not to puke. I was mad no one warned me. I was mad he was back in town at all. I was freaking out that I wasn't ready to be anywhere near him, considering the pattern of the past year. I am finally in a good place, and boom, I'm struggling to stay on my feet again.

I texted my battle buddies who know the situation, and thank God for those women! They all basically said the same thing. I'm on the right path, so distractions, destruction and tests are going to pop up. Jacque and I have had several conversations about how we were both on a loop where we'd get close to where we are supposed to be, but we'd screw up and have to take another lap, but lately, we've been taking the exits to keep moving forward. This was one of the forks in the road where I could jump back on the crazy loop or take the exit toward the good life. It's something Heather reminded me of as well, saying "don't fall into old traps." That reminded me of Patty praying for me the week before, specifically breaking old patterns. Rhonda called me and reminded me that this is my home and domain, and as such, I have the authority in this atmosphere. Right then, I decided that his presence was not going to get in my way.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. I both wanted to do something hurtful and yet make sure he's ok. It's a complicated feeling, but I now have the strength to stay away, knowing he's not part of my journey now. I took the exit instead of staying on the destructive loop. I questioned everything and had to push past some major bitterness and walls. (More on that momentarily.) Throughout the Thursday concert and Friday sessions of the conference, I constantly turned it over to God and kept reminding myself of the joy in my life right now and that he was not going to steal it.

But then came the major blindside.

In the middle of night service, they announced that my dear friend Jill had passed away.

I was running camera toward the front of the church, so I tried to keep it together, but failed. Dozens of people stared at me while tears streamed down my face until someone came to take over the camera. I joined a group of women in the foyer, holding each other and crying. Jill meant so much to us. I cried all night at work. I still cry about it. It still doesn't seem real that Jill is gone.

I met Jill at the beginning of my first actual service at World Revival Church. She was sitting in front of me, turned around and said, "You're new!" She immediately added me on facebook and told me that she felt like I belonged here. She had no idea that I had applied for jobs in other states that very morning.

Those first few weeks and months, Jill sent me updates on when services were, offering rides and saving seats whenever I could go. She introduced me to people who are now very dear friends and made sure I felt welcome and connected.

Jill was an amazing source of encouragement through all the ups and downs over the past (almost) two years. She supported my journey through ministry school. She pushed me write more whenever there was a gap in blog posts and reminded ever so often that I should start on that book. She was there for me the day of the crazy fight to make sure I was ok on all levels. I told her I felt like I needed to get a passport and she nagged me about taking steps toward it for a year. I never told her I had finally filed for it, and it arrived the same day she left the earth.

After leaving the church Friday night, I heard a song on the radio I have only ever heard on the pre/post service playlist called "Wake" by Hillsong: Young & Free. Whenever it came on at church and I was around Jill, I'd always do some crazy weird dance and she would say something along the lines of, "you know I love you since I'm still standing here while you do that." I broke down in tears hearing it on the radio, knowing I'll never be able to dance with her again and decided to play it on my show in her memory. Then, Saturday night, we had an amazing worship service. [Minor story detour: There were about three people between me and my ex. During "Spirit Break Out" I really felt like God was saying to let the bitterness go. I was still pretty upset that he was there, and had to remind myself that I control the atmosphere. We've been pushing for unity of faith and spirit, so his being there couldn't get in the way of the goal. I fought my way through it, and prayed for him. He was here for the conference for a reason, and hopefully that means he is getting help and healing too. I can't hold on to a grudge and be healed, and neither can he. Kingdom has to come first, and there was such a weight lifted during that song.] The worship set ended with "Wake." I'd never heard it live in church before either, so it hit me right in the feels. I grabbed another friend of Jill's who was nearby and said that she was with us in spirit. Instead of just crazy dancing with Jill, I let go and went full blown worship rage dance. There was so much healing in that moment, jumping around to a song that I connect with Jill, surrounded by a dancing group who also loved her and were grieving her loss,

There is a line in that song that really hit me during that moment of moshing. The song says "You're in my heart forever," which is true of this situation and reminded me of conversations with several other people. In sharing about how we met Jill and who she was to us, a couple strong women in my life said that we need to step up and fill her role. Jill saw people, not just in the physical, but she saw potential. Once she noticed the future in someone, she didn't let go. She loved people and went out of her way to care for them. She had a true servant's heart. Now we all need to step up and fill the void she left.

Honestly, I'm still struggling with how little time I spent with her over the past few months. My withdrawal from the world kept me isolated from her, followed by diving back in head first and having very little free time kept us apart lately. She had facebook messaged the group that morning, but I was at work and never responded. That haunts me. Several people have individually told me not to let that voice of guilt take root. She loved me and knew that this season of being on the right path again involves a heavy load. Our last conversation was Easter Sunday after I fell asleep a couple times in service and decided to go home. She was on camera, so we had a quick hug and she told me to get some rest and we'd see each other later. I just never made that happen.

I have so many memories with Jill... from her surprise birthday party, to helping me move in a heat advisory, to Catch Phrase on Christmas, to being on media, to just chatting at a restaurant. She didn't just tolerate my weirdness, she enjoyed it. Even though she loved Ohio State and the Cardinals, while I'm a Michigan and Tigers girl (which we debated frequently), we could look past our differences and still get along (yes, that sounds crazy, but the UM/OSU rivalry runs deep, y'all.) If I had a bad day, she would sneak a pack of Oreos into my car/ my saved seat at church/ leave them outside my apartment, even though she often lectured me about my ridiculously unhealthy sugar addiction.

I still keep waiting for her to sneak up on me at church and smack or kick me in the butt. I keep waiting to hear a story that starts and ends with "God is so cool." I miss my friend dearly, but I know she is in a better place. Jill brought us together in the first place, and the group hadn't been together as much as in the past, but she is bringing us all together again. We will get through this together, no matter what distractions the devil throws at us. The last thing she would want for her friends is for them to be distracted by an attack from the devil, especially one involving her.

We love you, Jill.

One Year Since The Revival Journey Began

It's hard to believe a whole year has passed since I walked through the doors of World Revival Church for Dustin Smith's live recording. I could believe six months, but not a year. Maybe it's because I've routinely been awake for two days straight that it doesn't seem possible, but this is reality.

I don't know that I can put it into words how much my life has changed over 365 days. If you put that version of me next to who I am today, I don't think you would even realize they were the same person. It's hard to even write about that person because she is so far removed from my life, I don't know who she was. She was an angry, emotional mess.

But now, I'm a different kind of emotional mess. There is a new softness, which actually bugged me at first. It's not a good trait for my day job, with all the death and destruction I see and write about on a daily basis. Now, I cry over stories. Number one on Heather's list of questions is who did you see? Now I look at people in a slightly different light. Don't take that as claim perfection, because I still struggle with being patient and compassionate with those who are rude, but I don't get so angry about customers and callers who need extra attention.

My coworkers will tell you I'm a heck of a lot nicer and easier to work with now. One new manager was told all about who I used to be when she started. Later, she informed me of the warnings she received and said she didn't see it. Progress.

God blessed me so much during this year. I got a new car, new apartment, more responsibility at work, and a great group of people around me. I've learned so much in school and in church. 

This year has been a challenge, especially the past few months, but God has given me the strength to hold on and surrounded me with people who fight for me when I need it. There aren't words to explain how thankful I am for the amazing friend who have spoken life and strength over me or enjoyed a night of laughter and shenanigans. I haven't felt like writing lately, since all of my energy has one into just surviving each day. But then there is this hope I don't think I've ever really had before. The situations of the past couple months are only temporary. My God is a good Father who wants nothing but good for his children. The enemy is on the prowl, but he will not win because God is greater.

 Who knows what the next year will bring, but I'm about to find out.

Letting Go And Letting God

To say this past week started out on a sour note is putting it lightly.

I won't say what happened, since even the most vague of explanations would imply who else was involved, and I don't want it to be any more distracting than the situation already is. Just embrace the fact that I was in a total ginger rage for a couple days. It probably didn't help that I worked a ton and barely ate during that time. (Like, I'm talking 4 Oreos and 5 pretzels in nearly 40 hours kind of not eating.)

But then, along came Wednesday.

I was so excited to get through the day, and finally have two days off in a row. I got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Womp womp. The series of events that followed were frustrating, yet absolutely hilarious (and too long to include.) In the end, it took four journalists and a gallon of gas to not only get my car started, but to start shaking off the grump that had overtaken my week.

During my break at my part-time job, I decided to catch up on the One Year Bible reading I started with some friends, but seriously slacked off. The first day I went through included Proverbs 5:12-14, which says, "You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings. Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” It really got under my skin because of the situation. Those most directly involved, including myself, were given instruction, advice, and warnings. We acknowledged that most of it made sense. But, yet, we ignored it. Ignoring the warning ended up carrying a heavy price and became a distraction to the public around us. The annoyance of the whole thing was also trying to turn into anger and bitterness, but I know I can't let that take hold.

So, I did the only thing left to do in the situation: let go and give it to God. I can't waste my time worrying about the situation. I am still concerned for those involved because I do care about them, but I can't let the problem become the focus of my life. Yes, the situation still bugs me and gets under my skin, but I had to let as much go as I could before it made things worse.

Thursday, I spent the day off doing things I keep saying I'm going to do. I joined a gym, went for a walk in the sunshine, spent time with a friend, cleaned my car and apartment, read my Bible, did my hair and went to prayer service. Friday, I went to a work meeting, hit the gym again, had a great lunch and chat with a friend, and started trying new things. As simple as it is, trying something different, like red lipstick and different hair products, on top of working out really helped to shift my mood. More time in the Bible was changing my perspective. I was on camera Friday night, so I only caught part of it, but Pastor Kathy preached on the goodness of God. It reminded me, again, to stop looking at the problem. Stop looking at the hurt. Focus on the bigger picture. This situation is only temporary, but God's goodness is permanent. Whatever happens and comes next will be good because that's what he promised. Psalm 27:13 says, "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

I'm still living so there is still goodness ahead. I'm trying to focus on the good happening around me every day, like going to Planet Comicon, meeting one of my favorite authors, and getting free ice cream. There are still moments I am bummed or angry, but they are more spaced out now. I refuse to let the enemy distract me and get me off track,

School starts tomorrow, so it's time to buckle down and get focused again.

Don't Be Shaken

The struggle is real.

I don't know how many times I've clicked on "new post" or opened my journal but nothing makes it onto the page. It's not like nothing is happening. January was a whirlwind month on so many levels, but nothing would come out. I even started this post a week ago and just never could finish it. I've tried so many times, I don't remember where I was going with it, so I'm just going to let it be and move on.

Maybe it's the weight of everything that happened and the words spoken that's made it hard to write about. I've felt like some big change is on its way for a little while, and that was really confirmed over the past two weeks. As I started writing this, I was streaming service from World Revival Church. Pastor Steve Gray just mentioned preparing by getting passports, which has been on my mind for a while. This is on the heels of Pastor Steve declaring at the women's conference, "The lion has roared" and Autumn really pushing the students to be more disciplined, eliminate options, and to know who we are so we won't be shaken.

Right now feels like the shakedown. So many of my friends and I have been fighting through a myriad of struggles and attacks. It sucks that it is all at the same time. It makes us harder to be there for each other when we have our own problems. It pulls us out of community, which is one of the places we draw strength. That is to be expected since we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. He isn't going to make things easy for us in the slightest. But we will overcome because Yahweh is with us. A couple things Autumn said in class last Friday that stood out were, "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and you are doing it wrong" and, "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." Of course, that night, Pastor Eric introduced a new song with the line, "shake everything that can be shaken." The classmate I sat with and I could not get through the line without giggling. (Of course, as I wrap this post up, the church is singing it again.) Pastor Tom's sermon hit on a lot of the major points from the week's classes, affirming everything we had been talking about. Something big is coming... the season is changing. But in order to get to the change, we have to fight to hold on... fight to stand our ground. We will not be shaken.

Choose The Difficult

I'm one of those crazy people who loves a good challenge. As long as I can remember, I've lived that saying, "Tell me I can't and I'll show you I can" and that has a lot to do with my parents. My dad really modeled it for me by working multiple jobs to support us and make sure we had as many opportunities as possible. My poor parents drove me all over the region to get me to speech team, student council, service projects, whatever sport was in season, church groups, extracurricular classes, whatever competition was happening, or to hang out with my friends. They didn't complain about it (too much), but shelled out so much time and money to make sure I got to do whatever I could that might benefit me. They encouraged me to keep going after every challenge, even when people said I couldn't. When people in the school told me I couldn't play two sports in one season, my parents stood up for my desire to do so and pushed me to succeed in both. They didn't let me quit when it got hard because they knew stretching me young would benefit me down the road.

Staying busy and accepting challenges is a pattern I still follow today, but it seems like people have a harder time accepting it now. Just yesterday, one of my co-workers asked me when I was going to give up one of my jobs, claiming he feared I was stretching myself too thin. My reaction was to laugh. This person is newer here and doesn't know that this isn't a new pattern for me. I don't just survive being busy, I thrive in it. There was a time after college where I tried living like a "normal person" with one job, but I went stir crazy with so little to do.

Just a couple hours after explaining to my co-worker that I am fine and will continue to be as long as I'm listening to God's direction, I went to the afternoon session of the Power and Presence Conference. Pastor Steve was speaking about the ten attitudes we need to have to move into the secret place with God. The first thing he said was believing that we are available for "Unlimited Use." If Jesus didn't put limits on what could be done on earth, why should we limit what the Holy Spirit can do through us? We focus on being perfect and only doing something if we know we can do it well. One thing Pastor Steve said that really stuck with me is, "our job isn't to be successful, it's to be obedient." There is no limit to what He can do, and when we follow his direction, it gives Him a vessel to move through. It's not possible by our own power, but His... something the Bible says repeatedly. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Mark 10:27 says, "And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible." It's also mentioned in Matthew 19:26, Luke 1:37, and Luke 18:27. Then, when we are obedient so God can do what He wants, He blesses us by allowing us to do some of the things we want. As Pastor Steve said, "I'll increase when I operate on God's terms."

All the time, people ask me things like how am I awake or how I'm still standing. The answer is simple: the power of God. He put me in a position where I can spread messages and meet a wide variety of people. He told me to go to World Revival School of Ministry, so I obeyed, (even though moving to be with my family sounded like a more comfortable idea.) Because I obeyed, He breathes the life and energy into me that I need to keep going.

Just because it is possible, doesn't mean it is going to be easy. Pastor Steve's "number C" point was "Choose the Difficult." God didn't take the easy path in sending His Son as a sacrifice for us, so we shouldn't expect everything He requires of us to be a breeze. Matthew 7:13-14 says, "You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." When we choose the difficult path, not only is it making us stronger, we are giving the Lord an opportunity to show How powerful He is by working through us. I can't tell you how many times during the first quarter of school where I depended on Him to flow through my hands so I could get a paper done in time and for the energy to stay awake in class. I thank God for creating caffeine for me! An idea Pastor Steve mentioned that I had never thought of was, when we pick something hard, it gives us something to talk to God about and pray about. So not only are we building endurance, perseverance and strength through the situation, we are deepening our relationship with Him and becoming more dependent on our Heavenly Father. 1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."


In the night service for the conference, Pastor Steve talked about how important it is to participate. He said, "The healing power and presence of God happens through participation." When we are passive, we make ourselves easy targets for deception. But when we are active in our faith, it pleases God and makes us available for His use. That action won't be easy, but it will be worth it. 2 Peter 1:10-11 says, "So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things and you will never fall away. Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 

My life is crazy right now, but God hasn't told me to drop anything. It's hard, but He gives me the strength and energy to do it every day. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be part of WRC and go to the school of ministry. It's preparing me for whatever God has next. I want to be as ready as possible for that task, so I choose the difficult now.