A Change of Perspective with the End of 2018

I wasn't going to write anything about 2018 because it felt like an eternally long garbage fire. I mean, how many of you honestly remember we had an Olympic games less than 12 months ago? Don't lie. You forgot too.

Initially when I thought about 2018, the negative things came to mind first. I mean, if you've been on this journey with me, you know I lost two grandparents, a rower and a legend. (Make fun of me all you want for being so upset about Stan Lee. I don't care. He was a great dude.) I suffered through a job I despised. I struggled with some people's place in my life and tried to hang on to what was long after they showed their true colors. Then, I moved 500 miles away from everyone I know and that daily loneliness it freaking tough. Garbage fire.

But then, in the midst of everyone's top nine's I saw this on social media and it got me thinking:

 Ok, Marcandangel, you might have a point there. I started digging through pictures to make a top 9 grid of good things and had an interesting thought, which became a top 9 picture of rough moments with silver linings.

In losing two grandparents in two months, I spent a decent amount of time going through their old pictures and papers. It was bittersweet to find pieces of their pasts and get to know them a little better outside of their role as my family.  I also got to spend some time with all of my cousins on one side for the first time in ages, and even meet one's son for the first time.

With the rough patch of someone walking out of my life, I ended up getting to share San Diego Comic-Con with two fantastic people, my little sister and my friend Rhonda. Rhonda and I got a picture with Henry Ian Cusick, and totally missed the part where we just talked to the guy who played Zack Morris on "Saved By the Bell." Oy. But we laughed so dang hard while hauling all the gear around and tried some pretty crazy things.
Hannah and I had a couple fail moments that haunt me. We went to the tide pools, which resulted in the absolute worst sunburn of my life, (someone compared my arms to ground raw chicken... it was THAT bad), but I got to teach the journalism student some things in the field and spend a day exploring. That center picture is hard to see, but in it, Hannah and I, in Supernatural cosplay, are completely oblivious to the fact that Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are RIGHT BEHIND US. Missed opportunity.
Comic-Con struggles continued with double punching on the Kristen Bell interview, but at least I snapped a picture so I have proof that I did, indeed talk to such a delightful human.
I didn't win the Emmy this year, but for the first time, I was nominated for a craft category. My individual skills were honored, even with a typo, so that's kind of a big deal. Plus, I got to hang out with some great people from 41.
While 41 was not a happy place for me, I did get to learn a new skill this year. Steadicam was so much fun to do, albeit stressful with the paranoia of falling on live tv or jacking up a shot.
Some might say getting a black eye is a bad thing, but I couldn't stop laughing. Emily and I got a little roughed up in Krav Maga class, but hey, if you can get some of the sweetest people to get feisty enough to draw blood, that's an entertaining time.

However, the more I looked, the more I realized nine pictures was nowhere near enough to paint the picture of my year. Because of all the tragedy, I spent more time with my family in 2018 than I have in a single year since I got my first job. It's hard when we are so far apart, but this year drew us together. There were some happy moments too, like my baby brother getting nominated for Winter Court and graduating high school, Bekah graduated from college, and my daddy turned 50. Also, all the girls wore dresses at the same time. We know, highly shocking moments.

If you've ever watched "Supernatural", you know the phrase, "Family don't end with blood" and it's the truest thing there is. I am blessed with some killer friends in KC (still pending in Nashville). 2018 brought the biggest Galentine's blind date with a book party so far. Rachelle and I didn't meet our goals with HerBookNook, but it's still rolling into its THIRD year, which is crazy, and she's one of my favorite people on earth. I reconnected with my rowing family after the tough loss of Sam. Ally introduced me to the world of BookCon. There were nights of ax throwing and writing sessions and late night meals. There were hugs and tough goodbyes, but they are some of the best people around. This picture is by absolutely no means representative of all of the people who mean so much to me.

One thing I hear the most is how lucky I am to have met so-and-so, and it's a perception I tend to forget. Yeah, it's freaking cool, but it's also a lot of work (that I'm not getting paid for, mind you) to make many of those meetings happen. I didn't get a picture with Mark Sheppard, but that was one of the most awkward interviews of all time. It's not always pretty in those situations, guys!

I'd apologize to those who are offended/ think I'm rubbing it in when I mention something someone famous said to me, but I'm not actually sorry.

While 2018 has been one heck of a bumpy ride, true hindsight shows an incredible journey. I'm still here, despite all the grief and pain of the year.
I left a job I hated and now have one I love with happy people who value each other.
I had the opportunity to go coast-to-coast a few times, and put nearly 20k miles on my car in the last couple months to see friends, family, and bands. Not everyone gets that.
I did crazy, wild things, like play a human claw machine, get my nose pierced, go Harley Quinn with a bat, climb (and jump off) a variety of things, start a novel, return from NYC with 84 books... and so much more. It was a year of truly grand adventures, and I'm so thankful for each God-given opportunity and person who joined in at various points along the way.

2018 truly was an adventure and a time to settle into my new home. While this last couple months has been hard with being alone, it's also been a time of healing and getting back to myself. I've never questioned if I really am where I am supposed to be right now. I know God has something waiting in the wings here in Nashville, so 2019 will be the year of growing where I'm planted and preparing for the dreams to catch me.

WRSM Spring Quarter Quotes: Wednesday/Friday Edition

Biblical Prophesy with Pastor JD King (JDK)

JDK: "You like the pictures? I'm trying to work with millennials. I'm trying to get used to it."

JDK: "Somebody might have a prophetic pastoral leaning. I should probably get that."

JDK: "The School of Ministry is getting almost old enough to vote!"

JDK: "You guys are like Superboy and you're just finding out you have super powers."

JDK: "[Class ends at] 9:50, technically. I'm going to try to be more honorable about that. Wait, who's up after me?"
Class: "Pastor Aaron."
JDK: "Ohhh... yeahhh..."

JDK: "How can you judge something if you don't process it."

JDK: "What do you do if you get smut on your hands?"
Erica: "Wash it off. Why am I the only one answering this question?!"

JDK: "Not everything you know is for everyone else to know."

JDK: "God doesn't respond well to inaction."

JDK: "Sometimes, what you say can transform the whole world."

JDK: "Put on your tights! Put on your cape! It's a sign for me to go into battle and be a superhero! Put on your spidey suit, man!"

JDK: "The prophetic isn't the miracle of speaking; it's the miracle of hearing."

Samuel on anointing oil: "It smells like Jesus!"

Dylan: "I keep thinking of BBQ. God likes the smell of a burnt offering."

JDK: "Our job isn't to run from the dangerous. It's to tame the dangerous for God."

JDK: "Faith is a willingness to ask and respond."

JDK: "Christians should make the best art, not this crap we normally see. Oh, Lord, I'm getting quoted. I stand by the quote, but still."

JDK: "Your gifts can take you far beyond what your character can hold."

JDK: "You could probably get any spiritual gift you wanted if you contended for it."

JDK: "If what you're saying doesn't edify the church, you better shut your mouth."

JDK: "In our society, it's actually worse to be socially awkward than a thief. There's something really twisted about that."

JDK: "Mates, dates and babies are good topics to prophesy about."
Class (jokingly): "True!"
JDK: "The answer is obviously false."
Esther: "Unless you want to get punched."
Dylan: "Fruit punch."
Esther: "I'm not a violent person, but there is a line."

JDK: "All things should be tested, including you and I'm doing it now. I should put that at the top of every [quiz]: 'Test all things.'"
Samuel: "Oooh! I get it now."

JDK: "If you've got a problem with this, get saved!"

JDK: "I want you to pick your favorite Bible character."
Samuel: "Jesus, duh."
JDK: "Besides the Son of God..."
Rose: "Holy Spirit!"
Erica: "God!"
JDK: "Besides a deity..."
Dylan: "Balaam!"


Honor and Authority with Pastor Aaron Lage (PAL)

PAL: "Anyone want to volunteer to take attendance."
Erica: "I knew you were going to say that."
Hunter F.: "Prophetic."
Erica: "I'm going to put that in my prophetic journal."

PAL: "Honor is easy when you feel it, but honor is not a feeling."

PAL: "Honor is more about the person doing the honor than the person receiving the honor."

PAL: "You are worthy of honor because of who you are in Christ."

PAL: "To honor people, you have to see people for who they're becoming."

PAL: "A culture of honor isn't built on what you need; it's build on what you give."

PAL: "He was telling [girls walking by] that they were going to hell for wearing pants. Not shorts! Pants!"
Samuel: "I'd just take my pants off right then and there!"
(not sure): "Cash me ousside."
PAL: "Did you just say cash me outside? I don't think I can recover from this... So, honor..."
Caila: "Because that's NOT honorable."

PAL: "It's like you're arguing with a gorilla. GRRRRRRRRRRR! (while fake pounding on his chest.)"

PAL: "What did you think of the chapter?"
Samuel: "It was cool to hear their story."
PAL: "I can always count on you for a deep answer."

PAL: "Danny Silk is a stud."

PAL: "Honor is not a formula."

PAL: "You don't hear people say, 'I'm a manipulative, controlling person.'"
Esther: "Well, some people do and they are proud of it, but they generally aren't Christians."
PAL: "Or they're in politics."

PAL: "You have to make sure love rises higher than the tension."

PAL: "Praying for the right thing is always the right thing."

PAL: "Do we know that Gabriel has wings? We know cherubim and seraphim had certain kinds of wings."
Esther: "So, he flew like Superman."
PAL: "We're creating our own modern Greek mythology."

PAL: "God is not subject to your Nintendo!"

Caila: "I got grounded one day, just one."
PAL: "She's crying just thinking about it!"

Samuel: "I fell asleep a couple times in church and I didn't care. Like, I got spanked a couple times in service."
Ryan: "In service?"
Samuel: "Yeah, they'd take me out and spank me."
Ryan: "Holy Spirit and fire!"

PAL: "We've got God up in heaven like, 'hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.' It's the trinity!"

PAL: "Evil is you being less than the son or daughter you are called to be."

PAL: "You are not empowered to follow Christ through guilt. You are empowered to follow Christ through love."

PAL: "A culture of honor deems everybody worthy."

PAL: "You're going to receive mos of your blessings from other people."

PAL on food: "Technically, anything that fills me up, I'm going to think it's beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

PAL: "Humor, for me, is a tool. Sometimes to annoy people."

PAL: "Anything that causes you to act out of fear is a poverty mindset."

PAL: "You becoming powerful brings heaven to earth. You realizing you are powerful brings heaven to earth."

PAL: "If you can't accept a gift or be a receiver, you probably haven't switched over to a kingdom mentality."

PAL: "It's that 'living for a weekend' mentality, but not a World Revival Church weekend, because those are powerful."

PAL: "You, many times, are the answer to your own prayer."

PAL: "As we're going to go on to... (looks at clock and hisses) I HATE TIME!"

PAL: "You make fun of flannel-graph Jesus but there are people saved today because of it."
Samuel: "What's a flannel-graph?"
PAL: "You should know what a flannel-graph is."
Caila: "I don't know what it is either but I kept my mouth shut."

PAL: "Apparently [making a whip] was a skill Jesus had already acquired."
Esther: "He couldn't just Google it."

PAL: "One of the best ways to honor someone is to allow them to be free."

PAL: "A lot of the time, you don't know the difference between getting pruned and cut off, so you respond like you're cut off."

PAL: "God's given you authority and you're still running back and forth along a one foot tall fence."

PAL: "Loving yourself is loving Christ in you."

PAL: "Your identity is in the body, the group, and that prevents isolation."

PAL: "You can't simultaneously walk in unforgiveness and walk in the royalty God has given you."

PAL: "Don't let dead religion suffocate your desire for greatness."

PAL: "If you can go through the gauntlet with God, what can't you do in real life?"

PAL: "If an angel shows up, I wanna tackle it! Preset! Like Pastor Steve teaches! Preset! If an angels shows up, tackle it."

Dylan: "Greatness does not involve algebra."
PAL: "Solve for x. X always equals greatness."

Hunter F.: "Deep fried in pride."
PAL: "Somebody's from the south. We can deep fry everything."

PAL: "We don't honor people because they are honorable. We honor people because we are honorable."

PAL: "I'm part of a secret society called the truth tellers."
Esther: "If you're part of a secret society, why are you telling us?"
PAL: "Because I'm a truth teller."

PAL: "He's the King of Kings, not the King of paupers."

PAL: "That was the second greatest sneeze I've ever heard!"

PAL: "Maybe [Moses] did some Judo moves... or Egyptian moves... or maybe he did hieroglyphics in the air."

PAL: "Your sense of injustice has to reach a higher level than your concern with what other people think of you."

PAL: "You can still fulfill your calling in camel hair with locust breath."

Erica: "[David] is the millennial version of a king."

Samuel: "Jesus roadies."

PAL: "Stop waiting for permission. Or if anything, I've given you permission, so now you have it."

Samuel: "Did we just trade Lee for doughnuts?"

Ryan: "I'm French."
Dylan: "That explains why you're such a coward."
Class: "Oooh!"
Ryan: "I'll take it."
PAL: "He's got a white flag of surrender in his pocket."
Ryan: "Always prepared."


Arts Through Church History II with Pastor Eric Thomason (PET)

Josiah: "We are calling it ATCH now."
Stephanie: "ATCH-TWOOO."
Josiah: "That's perfect."

PET: "What does monophonic mean?"
JoAnn: "One... phonic."

Sarah: "How do you spell that?
PET: "Francis?
Sarah: "No, Assisi. Nevermind." (writes 'A.C.C.' on board.)

Josiah: "As bad as these guys were, we have to remember there was good, too. Otherwise we'd still be Catholic."

PET: "If you didn't conform to the Church of England, where did you go?"
Sarah: "To JAIL!"

PET: "Maybe she's in the bathroom. I shouldn't have said that."
Hunter F.: "I can edit that out."
PET: "You can? Well, let's talk all about it!"

PET: "Just because they are shallow doesn't mean I have to give them a shallow song."

PET: "Where did Martin Luther get is church background?"
Emily: "Lutherans."

PET: "All of you in this room should be able to say 'prophetically speaks' before your name. Everyone in here can hear the heart of God and speak it."

PET: "That's how you really minister to people is when you've had pain of your own."

Josiah: "Everybody needs to buy a yo-yo."
PET: "I don't need to. They're already sitting in front of me."

PET: "Class is leaning to the right today."
Sarah: "Don't call us heavy!"

JoAnn: "Praise is like 'hallelujah!" and worships is like 'ahhh.'"

PET: "We don't want to scare people. That's God's job."

PET: "Some of it's pretty groovy. That's a 70's word."

PET: "Don't lose the rawness of worship."

Emily: "Can I agree but kinda disagree with you?"
PET: "There is no disagree."

PET: "God is not after pretty. He already knows what pretty sounds like. He's perfect. He's looking for rawness of spirit."

Josiah: "There was one service, we didn't sound so good for the first couple songs."
PET: "I know. I was there."

(JoAnn's hand keeps going higher.)
Emily: "Are you stretching?"
JoAnn: "Some of us don't like to project our opinions everywhere!"

PET: "I love that line that says, 'no one dared ask Him anymore questions' and I'm like, you are an awesome Savior."

PET: "You guys don't know how easy you have it." (about 100 times.)
Emily: "Lemme guess, we don't know how easy we have it."
PET: "Didn't I just say that? You should write that down."

PET: "Don't ever ever ever let a religious person talk you out of what you feel you're supposed to do for God."

PET: "Finding God in worship has zero to do with music."

PET: "There's probably one you want to do, but someone else is going to pick it."
Josiah: "So, you want us to be disappointed?"
PET: "Yeah!"

PET: "The weightiness of God is what changes your life."

PET: "Many times, the maintainers of the move of God are more important than the starters."

PET: "Pentecostals are all in and wacky as heck."

PET: "He woulda hater all of you. He hated Brownsville. He hated Toronto."
Emily: "Well, that's unfortunate because I'm pretty nice."

Hunter F.: "That's gonna be my fruity hand."

JoAnn: "Every time we say that, I picture a little lamb sitting on a biiiig chair."

PET: "John Wilkes Booth wrote that. Wait! No! William Booth. Wrong Booth."

PET: "If I took the little guitar off little tight pants, he wouldn't know what to do."

Sarah: "No one wants to touch your sweaty elbows!"

PET: "When you know it's God, you can't listen to the critics."

PET: "Josiah, can you pray for us since you just put a Pop Tart in your mouth?"
Josiah: "Yep. First of all, thank you Jesus for Pop Tarts. I love 'em."

WRSM Spring Quarter Class Quotes: Tuesday/Thursday Edition

Hebrews with Pastor Jack Walter (PJW)

PJW: "You'll notice participation is pretty heavily weighted, so you'll want to talk... intelligently, of course."

PJW: "Who said that?"
Caila: "Hunter. Anytime it's quiet, it's probably him."

PJW: "Truth prevails over facts."

Dorice: "The moon reflects the sun's light."
Caila: "So, we're all little moons!"

PJW: "How do you see people in our society trying to expand their spirituality."
Esther: "Really good coffee and essential oils."

PJW: "Problems happen when casualness and spiritual indifference set in."

Caila: "Hunter is the big-word-knower."

PJW: "I didn't know Eric from Peter Rabbit. Except Eric didn't hop around or have a tail or so forth."

PJW: "How'd we get on all that? The drifting..."
Esther: "You drifted off course and left the rest of us bobbing out in the ocean."

Caila: "What ways can we guard against drifting away and hardening our hearts? Not talking about food!"

Caila: "It's Hunter's group. They're not going to talk."

PJW: "He's a perverter. Or a pervert. I don't know if I can say that."

Erica: "I got weird, but just a little. Let me explain."

PJW: "God leads. He doesn't shove."

PJW on an answer: "I'll buy it."
Erica: You're buying lots of stuff today, Pastor Jack! You're going to run out of money!"

PJW: "What's the fruit of the Spirit."
Class: "Love, joy, peace, patience..."
Ryan: "And Pastor Jack!"

PJW: "Do you have your Bibles?"
Dylan: "What's a Bible?"
PJW: "Ohhh, we have to stop. He doesn't know what a Bible is."
Erica: "How did you get through 2.5 years of Bible college?"
Ryan: "Grace!"

PJW: "God bless you and I'm going to leave the mic here."

PJW: "I should have been killed, but God knew this day would come where I could torment you like you torment me."

PJW: "If we make ourselves available, God has great things for us."

Ryan: "Did you say you made your bed?"
PJW: "Yeah..."
Ryan: "Woaaah."
PJW: "Are you saying you don't make your bed?!"

Major Prophets with Levi O'Brien (LO)

LO: "I'm shaking a little bit, but not because I'm nervous. I just had too much coffee."

LO: "They weren't afraid of their calling. They didn't back down."

Dorice: "Mic drop! (pause) Marker drop!"

LO (on superclusters): "Sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about, but this time, I do!"

LO: "So, it looks like a brain."
Hunter F: "So, we're living in God's brain."

LO: "They compromised themselves into captivity."

LO: "You can only understand man when you understand God."

(LO tells story about childhood.)
Erica: "True story."
LO: "Of course it's a true story! Do you think I'd lie to you after talking about evil people?"

LO: "God is not a pagan deity that can be satisfied with surface stuff."

LO: "Something can happen and you're like, 'I can't get angry! I'm about to preach!"

LO: "I know, I'm moving around a lot. I think it's the coffee and the Spirit of God."

LO on Isaiah 20: "That's a silly picture. Don't make a movie out of that."

LO: "If I was God, we'd have rivers of coffee! Hot springs, man!"

LO: "The presence of God is what makes us different."

LO: "'Birthed wind.' I looked it up. It does not mean fart."

LO: "God needs to freeze time so we can learn and learn and learn."

LO: "We ain't got no time. Boring! That's boring. I need an hour and a half again."

Caila: "I looked up the meaning of Hunter once."
LO: "What did you think it means?!"
Caila: "Like, name meanings."
LO: (laughs) "It's over here meaning peaceful. What's it really mean."
Caila: "One who hunts."

LO after a joke: "Are you taking notes? Come on! This is a school of ministry!"
Erica: "I'll take notes when you say something important."

LO: "Whenever we put our trust in God with our effort, then we will find the reward."

LO: "I'm grateful for you guys."
Esther: "Because we laugh at your bad jokes?"

LO: "There is power in Jesus' name to get where you need to go. He is not the problem in that equation."

LO: "We aren't just changing today by what we do; we are changing tomorrow."

LO: "The mistake club... I'm not in that club."
Erica: "'Why preach?'"
(LO hangs head.)

LO talking about his dog: "Today is the first day we are letting him out of the kennel. (Pastor Mark presses his face against window.) He needs to be put in a kennel!"

LO: "I was looking for some revelation for myself. I was looking for a joke I haven't told yet."

LO: "Don't throw your English out the window when you read your Bible. A lot of those scriptures hanging on refrigerators don't mean what they think."

LO: "Mic drop moment! Which will be going extinct. We're all going wireless. Soon, there wont be any mics to drop."

LO: "You don't pray hard to get somewhere. You pray hard because you are somewhere."

LO: "I have a fear of Pastor Mark."

LO: "When you fear God, it shows you believe He's more powerful than anything."

LO: "I was waking up while you were worshiping. Haaaaa! You already had to be here!"

LO: "Don't get release getting out of it. Get release because you went through it."

LO: "Part of forgiveness is handing over the vengeance to God."

LO: "When you expect something of another person, it costs you nothing and it costs them everything."

LO: "Fear causes you to make expectations of people and God."

LO: "Y'all are terrible at riddles! Jesus, bless this class!"

LO: "Hunter, did you figure it out?"
Hunter D.: "Oh. I was reading Lamentations."

Hunter D. on Jeremiah 51:59-64: "Instead of a mic drop, it's a rock drop."

Caila: "I always thought Psalms was possums growing up."

PAL: "I used to think it was 'H to H, you're still the same.' I sang it like that for years as a kid. Like, from heaven to hell? I don't know."

PAL: "So, I got about 20 minutes to prep for this."
Erica: "I feel like that's all Levi puts into it."
Class: "OOOOOH!"
Erica: "Just kidding!"
PAL: "That's going in a blog somewhere!"

PAL: "Knowledge is not power to change."

Worship Unity with Pastor Nancy Thomason (PNT)

PNT: "If you don't sing and you don't play, don't panic. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have a plan."

PNT: "We all carry something. How we carry it is the fun part."

PNT: "I knew you were a Bible girl, I just couldn't remember which one."

PNT: "Don't always wait to feel anointed; you are anointed."

PNT: "Your life is the song."

PNT: "Have you ever noticed how when God really nails something in your life, you turn really religious?"

PNT: "He's kinda like a cross between Santa and John Lennon... That's the Jesus of Illinois."

PNT: "The only thing the enemy can do is talk."

(phone chimes)
PNT: "Oh, it's my phone. I'm sorry. Oh, it's from Pastor Steve. I'll read it later."

PNT: "Love covers everything but love doesn't embrace everything."

PNT: "We will not be emotionally driven. We will be Spirit-led."

PNT: "If your kidneys are gone, so are you."

PNT: "Some of the most important parts of the body are hidden."

PNT: "I made another note... that I cannot read."

PNT: "What do people of faith do to mountains. We speak."

PNT: "The giant that lives is the giant you feed."

PNT: "You all have funny looks on your faces. Why is that?"
Esther: "Because we're convicted."
PNT: "Oh, good! We like that!"

Emily: "Joy."
Hunter F.: "Joyful giant."
Stephanie: "The jolly green giant?"
JoAnn: "That's the healthy giant."

Emily: "Caila prayed for me, so of course, I was dying on the ground."

PNT: "You will never experience father abandonment with this Father."

PNT: "God will put you alongside someone and your life, your song, will save them."

PNT: "If a person is not leading you to God, they are not from God."

PNT: "Drop her! I don't care how cute she is! Drop her and run away!"

PNT: "What [girls] do is have a whole Hallmark movie in about five seconds."

PNT: "Mercy gives an answer that brings life."

PNT: "People who are prepared recognize preparation never ends."

(Emily starts reading)
Esther: "I can't even hear you."
Emily: "I'm normally so loud. I don't know what's wrong with my problem is today."

Esther: "I failed an open book test once because I didn't read the book."

PNT: "If people have a wrong idea of Christ, they have a wrong idea of who they are."

Stephanie: "We are assigned battle buddies and today, the battle is staying awake."

PNT: "Each one of you has a song in your heart. What's your song?"
Stephanie: "Right now, it's a lullaby."

PNT on Pastor Kathy's preaching: "The flamethrower of God!"

PNT: "If you don't listen to you, no demon will listen to you."

PNT: "I pray for us to be like the New Testament church, but I forget [Annanias and Sapphira] is in it too. Oops!"

Josiah: "I have to walk now."
Emily: "Oh, poor you. You have to walk. On your legs. That work. Poor you."

PNT: "Being offended is the number one thing that will kill you."

Emily: "My real laugh sounds like a dying horse."

Getting Baptized The Second Time Around

It's a moment I still remember after about 20 years.

I was wearing a totally 90's frilly red dress that slightly resembled something a princess would wear, or so I thought. Despite my fever, I was in the tiny back room of the church, shivering and buried underneath all the coats we could find. I didn't become stubborn overnight, so it should come at no surprise that I refused to leave church sick.

It was baptism day and I wasn't going to miss it, not even for a fever. God is pretty cool in those moments and loves showing up. I remember Pastor Jack prayed for me while we stood in the water. He dunked me and I came out feeling so much better.

A lot can happen in 20 years, and it surely did in my life.

This past Sunday, I went back into a baptismal, this time in a different church, different state, and with a different heart. I've been asked about the why a few times, so here's the answer. It's been a long time in the making.

When I started going to World Revival Church, I got involved in the "Innocence Restored" book study within the first month. Rhonda, who was one of the leaders, told the story of her second baptism. I remember sitting in Dean'na's living room and thinking that maybe I should do that too. It's a thought that was always floating around my brain for nearly three years.

Getting that thought to become reality was a challenge. Every time a baptism came up, something kept me away. I watched the first one on streaming from work and reaffirmed in my mind that it was something I would do... eventually. It was just so amazing to watch.

If you haven't witnessed a WRC baptism, you are missing out. It's not a separate ceremony, but rather, baptism is a celebration incorporated into worship. The tub is set up to the left of the stage on the floor. While the congregation worships, the pastoral staff takes turns helping people into the water one at a time. When the person is lifted out of the water, there is an abundance of cheering, clapping, raised hands, and tears. The Spirit of God gets so thick in the room, and it's deeply moving to witness.

They announced the April 2nd date, but I didn't really think much of it. I knew I had plans the night before, plus there was an 11-hour overnight shift of work between dinner and church and another one immediately following service time. I figured I'd take a nap at work and avoid falling asleep on the drive home.

But at the event the night before, one of our school leaders talked to us about jumping off the cliff with God when He asks. She felt like some things she was supposed to do in life are not really options anymore because she responded to God too slowly. 

It didn't really hit me until I was driving home to change before work. Maybe this was one of those moments where I was responding slowly. After all, it's been nearly three years since I first thought of doing it here. The other thought that came up was Pastor Aaron telling me during a minor meltdown that he saw me as restored, even though most people are still dragging their feet about it. The action of getting baptized itself wasn't the only part that would show restoration. God told me that doing it with a certain person would bring about healing.

Before I even met Emily, I saw her as a little sister. We had some rough times, but we have been working through stuff together and growing closer together over the past few months of school. She has grown so much in that time, and I frequently catch myself watching her in awe of her heart and passion for God. While we are friends again, people don't seem to get that it's possible. We have both been amused by the weird looks that flit across faces when they see us together. The night before baptism, she even crawled up into my chair with me and we played on Snapchat for quite some time. So, when God said doing it with her would bring restoration, I believed Him.

There in my car, with about 10 hours until the service, I decided I was getting baptized again. Beyond that, I told God that when I came out of that water, the hurts of the past that I'd been carrying around were going to stay in that water. I mean, if He could use baptism to heal me of whatever sickness I was dealing with as a child, he most certainly could do this too.

I hadn't told anyone that I was going to do it, other than the church. Emily's face when she turned around and saw me in the matching shirt cemented that it was the right thing. She immediately hugged me. I was in line with my precious friends Emily, Kortney, and Issac for the baptism, with Rachel and Sarah acting as our towel girl and photographer. We were shaking, laughing and crying through the wait. 

Throughout the whole line of baptisms, the band played the song "Back to Life" which has about the most perfect lyrics for that moment.

"I, I’m coming back to life 

I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I lay down my weakness
I take on Your strength
I lay down my defenses
I step into Your victory
Resentment, depression & all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addictions, strongholds & every disease
They have no power over me."

When I came up out of the water, I felt so much lighter, it's ridiculous. I said "woah" and then realized I couldn't see anything for a minute, thanks to my contacts moving out of place. The presence of God was so sweet in that moment. The girls and I just stood dripping wet near the line hugging each other and watching the rest of the group get dunked. I saw a few confused people staring at us, but felt them getting the point that the time for judgement is past.

When all was said and done, more than 50 people were baptized that morning. You can see the video montage of it here.

The rest of that day was so wonderful. Even when customers tried to get snippy with me, I didn't care. The peace and joy of Jesus were so strong, and have carried along through the past week. It's really hard to put into words how incredibly life changing one seemingly simple moment can be.

A Weird Winter at World Revival School of Ministry: Part One

I'm doing this a little differently. The quarterly quotes is going to come in chunks. Call it an inspiration from Rose, who as you're about to read, said, "I look at this list and I kinda don't want to read it. It's so much." That had nothing to do with the quotes, but putting six classes into one post was far too long.

So, for now, you can enjoy some of the memorable moments from the winter's Tuesday/Thursday ministry classes!


Book of Acts with Pastor Mark Pederson (PMP)

PMP: "When your passions become white hot in God, that's when you'll shake the world."

PMP: "The weakness in revival relationships is not usually a weakness in truth, but a weakness in fruit."

PMP: "People set on fire by God do not bring leftovers."

PMP: "When you believe the lie, you empower the liar."

PMP: "It takes character to pray for someone else what you want for yourself."

PMP: "Don't be afraid to tell your story. In fact, please do tell your story."

PMP: "You will find God continually dealing with your fear."

PMP: "Kingdom living begins in a place many people don't want to go. It begins with emptiness."

PMP: "Steph, are those gummies?"
Stephanie: " Yup."
PMP: "That's how I know you're close to the Lord!"

PMP: "Unrighteous anger is never satisfied."

PMP: "God doesn't come at you through your past. He comes at you through your future and pulls it into the present."

PMP: "The root of prejudice is pride."

PMP: "Anointed people are consistent."

Esther: "It's like following JD around and 'doin' the stuff.'"

PMP: "I remember stepping on a frayed extension cord. It was at night so there was a little dew on the ground. It moved me. *sings* I feel the earth move under my feet."
Caila: "Is that an old song?"

PMP: "Fear is never more prevalent than in times of revival."

Bob: "Bonus question. Why did I pick Tootsie Rolls?"
Caila: "Because you love us?"
Bob: "If I loved you, I wouldn't give you this trash!"

*Stephanie draws on Dylan's face with orange marker*
Dyaln: "No! I don't want to be Trump!"


Practical Ministry with Pastor James Koppang (PJK) and guest speakers

PJK: "Class expectations. Students are expected to attend class. Such high expectations."

PJK: "You're no longer in kindergarten; you're in big boy class now!"

PJK: "Ministry is building up the body that you've been put into."

PJK: "I don't have to look it up. I have students!"

PJK: "Pastor people toward something, not away from something."

PJK: "It's easy to dream on Instagram. It's harder to steward what you've got."

PJK: "I'm going to tell a story since I have time. Oh, wait! I'm supposed to get through four of these things?! I only got through one!"

Shelley: "Being around people of no vision will eventually steal yours."

PJK: "If I can persuade my wife to go a certain direction, I can persuade the masses. I've never had a harder sell than my wife."

PJK: "That's my natural reaction when I've upset my wife: go buy flowers or candy. It would be a little more weird if I went and did their dishes."

PJK: "I'm going to have to bite this. I can't talk with it and... I'm not that talented."

PJK: "I don't know what that's called."
A couple students: "Self-deprecating."
PJK: "Self-defecating?!"
Class: "No!!"
PJK: "I was gonna say, I don't care who you are, I'm not going that far."

PJK: "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Pastor Jack Walter: (goes off on tangent about filling gas tanks) "What does this have to do with weddings? Oh! So, when you go on your honeymoon, you don't run out of gas."

Bill: "I really don't like panic. If there is a crisis and you panic in front of me, I might just shoot you to get you out of my way."

Bill: "We call [the media department] the toilet. Throw money in and flush it."

Bill: "If you take care of people, you're never going to lack for volunteers."

Belich: "For some reason, I like the interaction. I'm sorry."
Esther: "Ask Pastor James how that goes,"

Belich: (shares example and uses Mary Jane as the name)
Hunter F.: "Darn Mary Jane!"
Belich: "I'm not sure why I said Mary Jane. (pause) Isn't that a pseudonym for marijuana?!"

Belich: "Twitter is mostly younger people. Facebook is obviously every person on earth."

Belich: "Cher is the only person who comes to mind, but not her. She doesn't need the social engagement."

Hunter F.: "Man, I had to look for like 10 minutes to remove that marijuana part [from previous class' video]."
Stephanie: "It's still going in the blog."
Rose: "You can't remove it from our hearts!"

Belich: "You have to work through *sigh* and be nice."

Belich: "Now we can run them [lights] at 100 and if people get blinded, it's only temporary,"

Belich: "Mmmm! They [lights] look great."
Hunter F.: "Like a fine pasta!"
Belich: "It IS like a fine pasta!"

Belich: (class hears noise) "That was weird.
Erica: "It's the bathroom."
Belich: "Are they scratching their name in the wall? 'Aaron was here.'"

Belich: "If you don't want team participation, ask your questions now!"

Rose: "I look at this list and I kinda don't want to read it. It's so much."

Erica: "Especially if they are doing sermons, hopefully they have a scripture base."

Belich: "This is good. How do you propose implementing it?
Hunter F.: "Doing it."

Belich: "It's all nasty stuff, like two pounds of roast beef and meatballs topped with... butterscotch."

Pastor JD King: "As students and all, you need to learn things."

JDK: "We have a tendency to think of the gift of administration as licking stamps and filing papers."

JDK: "I said this wasn't going to be theology, but just this part only."

JDK: "A little weirdness, a dash of weirdness here and there, I'm like ehhh. But if you're weird all the time by definition.....,,,,,"

JDK: "Do I sound like an ugly person?"

JDK: "Community is the glue that allows deeper truth to be heard."

Bobbie King: (on administration) "Bossy. Scheduling. Money. Sounds like being a mom."

BK: (on flunking a college class) "Can you believe it? Part of it was you have to go to class. But it was a three hour night class and I had better things to do, like my fish had babies and I had to be there for her!"

BK: "In the Kingdom of God, there is no hierarchy,"

BK: "Oh gosh! I've sheltered my kid too much. She's crying at the Bible."

Caila: "Get all of this out so when Heather gets here, I can focus."
Dylan: "You'll focus anyway."
Caila: "What, are you Mr. Heather now?"

Heather: "What if she goes to the left?"
Caila: "Ahhh!"
Heather: "Isn't that your right?"

Heather: "So, what we've learned today is that Caila is not a catcher."

Heather: "Don't be weirdy-weirds."

Heather: "What if she walks in and the people who have the antidote are selfish?"

Karen DeHaven: "Every minute at church counts."

PJK: "I want to leave ample time for Q&A."
(class laughs)
Erica: "Esther told [the guest speakers] to ask you how we do Q&A."
PJK: "Yeahhhh.... He's real proud of you on that one.

PJK: "The thing about the Holy Spirit is, He doesn't leave with a bang."

PJK: "At the end of the day, pride is going to be the thing. Pride is the number one destroyer of the anointing and the Holy Spirit moving in your life."

PJK: "I found that secret in my personal life. I mean, I'm sharing it. It's not really a secret. Read your Bible."

PJK: "Teaching is a stretch for me. I'm like, we've got the five-fold for a reason!"

PJK: "I call it pucker factor. I don't know if it's a thing or not."
Caila: "I'll look it up for you."
PJK: "Uhhh.... I wouldn't."

PJK: "People that you typically want to be like don't have five hours to hang out with you. If they do, they typically aren't the type of people you want to be like."

PJK: "We should have no one who is entry level for very long."

PJK: "You have to expect success on your life. You can't accept failure as an option."

Before and After Alcohol: 2.5 Years of Sobriety

Before and afters... fun and awful all at the same time.

This time of year makes people a little nostalgic on its own, but the end of the year isn't on my mind tonight. Today marks 2.5 years since my last alcoholic drink. It's a thought which pops up every six months or so, as you already know since I have this little tendency to document some random thoughts in writing on the internet for all to see. 

This time, the thought came up because of people.

Not long ago, I went to a football game at my Alma Mater and spent some time chatting with a media friend, David. His boss quipped that it felt like an intervention standing between us, since David and I are both in the early years of sober life. It sparked a conversation about our before and afters. I was going to post a couple pictures to highlight the change, but I can't locate the old one on Facebook and the new one was blurry. The first one was of us and other media people dancing in the rain at a rooftop bar in Austin, Texas. Needless to say, there wasn't much life in that picture. Now, there is a difference in both of us. There is a spark of life in both our eyes and the smiles in that picture are far more sincere and full of joy.  

It's so cool to see how God has transformed David's life since he gave up alcohol. His almost daily thankful tweets about God's grace and favor are evidence of the change. David's story reminds me of how lucky I am that I was able to quit without problems and public attention, but he's handled it so well. I'm so proud of how he's handled everything and turned his life around for the better.

The before and after was highlighted further the other night when I went to my Alma Mater's basketball game in town with a friend from church. During the first half, I got a Snapchat from a college friend who was also there. Will came and sat in the empty seat on my other side and I could feel the difference in the weirdest way. We reminisced about days past and it was almost painful to think about the trash I was during that time (I mean, I met him at a bar during a pub crawl...), while on my other side, was my more innocent and suddenly very quiet friend. I felt the need to apologize to her, while shushing Will's profanity and more ridiculous stories. 

After the game, I walked by a bar where a friend from my drinking days now works. I hadn't seen him in almost three years, so my underage church friend waited outside while I ran inside to say hi. It was so strange to see him after all this time. We were friends at work but our friendship lacked depth from all the time we had spent together but couldn't remember. Now, he's also on the road to leaving booze in the past, but he faces a different set of challenges of sobriety as the cliché alcoholic working in a bar. While David's eyes had a spark of hope, John's eyes showed the struggle he's facing and a deep hunger to move forward, which I pray he's able to do successfully.

The girl they used to know is not the one who exists today, a fact which brought a wave of relief while I walked away from the game. Heck, I'm not even the same girl I was a year ago when I wrote about being 18 months sober. That post created a connection with someone in the industry who had to give up alcohol himself. Through knowing him, I learned to stand up for myself, what I need and what is right, even though it didn't all happen right away. A shared experience created a connection which fostered growth, which is really what life is all about. 

People are our treasure, despite all my claims to the contrary when dealing with horrible, rude customers. What matters is that we do our best to help each other along in the journey and foster growth in others. While I've come a long way, it's wonderful to see how far my friends have traveled on their own journeys as well.

"Resentment, depression and all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addictions, strongholds and every disease
They have no power over me

I, I’m coming back to life
I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You, Jesus."

- "Back to Life" by James Galbraith

Blindsided (AKA: The Devil Is A Jerkfaced Toolbag Who Needs To Go Away)

To say last week was rough is the understatement of the century. There were a ton of small things that left me frustrated, but the two things left me barely hanging on. Considering what was happening at the church over the weekend, there is only one reason for it. The devil is trying to distract me so I'll lose my footing.

The first blindside attack happened on Thursday. I had just told someone in class that I was going to skip my (free) Cirque De Soleil tickets to go to the Dustin Smith concert. When I walked out of class, I heard a very familiar voice, squealing what at first sounded like my name (and later realized it was someone else's name.) Right out side of the school stood my ex boyfriend/best friend.... the one I haven't talked to in two months, and since letting go, my life started falling into place.

Seeing his face was like a punch in the gut.

I'm not going to lie and say I kept my cool. I most certainly did not.

With nowhere to go, I ended up all but running to my car. I sat there for about 10 minutes, unable to breathe and trying not to puke. I was mad no one warned me. I was mad he was back in town at all. I was freaking out that I wasn't ready to be anywhere near him, considering the pattern of the past year. I am finally in a good place, and boom, I'm struggling to stay on my feet again.

I texted my battle buddies who know the situation, and thank God for those women! They all basically said the same thing. I'm on the right path, so distractions, destruction and tests are going to pop up. Jacque and I have had several conversations about how we were both on a loop where we'd get close to where we are supposed to be, but we'd screw up and have to take another lap, but lately, we've been taking the exits to keep moving forward. This was one of the forks in the road where I could jump back on the crazy loop or take the exit toward the good life. It's something Heather reminded me of as well, saying "don't fall into old traps." That reminded me of Patty praying for me the week before, specifically breaking old patterns. Rhonda called me and reminded me that this is my home and domain, and as such, I have the authority in this atmosphere. Right then, I decided that his presence was not going to get in my way.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. I both wanted to do something hurtful and yet make sure he's ok. It's a complicated feeling, but I now have the strength to stay away, knowing he's not part of my journey now. I took the exit instead of staying on the destructive loop. I questioned everything and had to push past some major bitterness and walls. (More on that momentarily.) Throughout the Thursday concert and Friday sessions of the conference, I constantly turned it over to God and kept reminding myself of the joy in my life right now and that he was not going to steal it.

But then came the major blindside.

In the middle of night service, they announced that my dear friend Jill had passed away.

I was running camera toward the front of the church, so I tried to keep it together, but failed. Dozens of people stared at me while tears streamed down my face until someone came to take over the camera. I joined a group of women in the foyer, holding each other and crying. Jill meant so much to us. I cried all night at work. I still cry about it. It still doesn't seem real that Jill is gone.

I met Jill at the beginning of my first actual service at World Revival Church. She was sitting in front of me, turned around and said, "You're new!" She immediately added me on facebook and told me that she felt like I belonged here. She had no idea that I had applied for jobs in other states that very morning.

Those first few weeks and months, Jill sent me updates on when services were, offering rides and saving seats whenever I could go. She introduced me to people who are now very dear friends and made sure I felt welcome and connected.

Jill was an amazing source of encouragement through all the ups and downs over the past (almost) two years. She supported my journey through ministry school. She pushed me write more whenever there was a gap in blog posts and reminded ever so often that I should start on that book. She was there for me the day of the crazy fight to make sure I was ok on all levels. I told her I felt like I needed to get a passport and she nagged me about taking steps toward it for a year. I never told her I had finally filed for it, and it arrived the same day she left the earth.

After leaving the church Friday night, I heard a song on the radio I have only ever heard on the pre/post service playlist called "Wake" by Hillsong: Young & Free. Whenever it came on at church and I was around Jill, I'd always do some crazy weird dance and she would say something along the lines of, "you know I love you since I'm still standing here while you do that." I broke down in tears hearing it on the radio, knowing I'll never be able to dance with her again and decided to play it on my show in her memory. Then, Saturday night, we had an amazing worship service. [Minor story detour: There were about three people between me and my ex. During "Spirit Break Out" I really felt like God was saying to let the bitterness go. I was still pretty upset that he was there, and had to remind myself that I control the atmosphere. We've been pushing for unity of faith and spirit, so his being there couldn't get in the way of the goal. I fought my way through it, and prayed for him. He was here for the conference for a reason, and hopefully that means he is getting help and healing too. I can't hold on to a grudge and be healed, and neither can he. Kingdom has to come first, and there was such a weight lifted during that song.] The worship set ended with "Wake." I'd never heard it live in church before either, so it hit me right in the feels. I grabbed another friend of Jill's who was nearby and said that she was with us in spirit. Instead of just crazy dancing with Jill, I let go and went full blown worship rage dance. There was so much healing in that moment, jumping around to a song that I connect with Jill, surrounded by a dancing group who also loved her and were grieving her loss,

There is a line in that song that really hit me during that moment of moshing. The song says "You're in my heart forever," which is true of this situation and reminded me of conversations with several other people. In sharing about how we met Jill and who she was to us, a couple strong women in my life said that we need to step up and fill her role. Jill saw people, not just in the physical, but she saw potential. Once she noticed the future in someone, she didn't let go. She loved people and went out of her way to care for them. She had a true servant's heart. Now we all need to step up and fill the void she left.

Honestly, I'm still struggling with how little time I spent with her over the past few months. My withdrawal from the world kept me isolated from her, followed by diving back in head first and having very little free time kept us apart lately. She had facebook messaged the group that morning, but I was at work and never responded. That haunts me. Several people have individually told me not to let that voice of guilt take root. She loved me and knew that this season of being on the right path again involves a heavy load. Our last conversation was Easter Sunday after I fell asleep a couple times in service and decided to go home. She was on camera, so we had a quick hug and she told me to get some rest and we'd see each other later. I just never made that happen.

I have so many memories with Jill... from her surprise birthday party, to helping me move in a heat advisory, to Catch Phrase on Christmas, to being on media, to just chatting at a restaurant. She didn't just tolerate my weirdness, she enjoyed it. Even though she loved Ohio State and the Cardinals, while I'm a Michigan and Tigers girl (which we debated frequently), we could look past our differences and still get along (yes, that sounds crazy, but the UM/OSU rivalry runs deep, y'all.) If I had a bad day, she would sneak a pack of Oreos into my car/ my saved seat at church/ leave them outside my apartment, even though she often lectured me about my ridiculously unhealthy sugar addiction.

I still keep waiting for her to sneak up on me at church and smack or kick me in the butt. I keep waiting to hear a story that starts and ends with "God is so cool." I miss my friend dearly, but I know she is in a better place. Jill brought us together in the first place, and the group hadn't been together as much as in the past, but she is bringing us all together again. We will get through this together, no matter what distractions the devil throws at us. The last thing she would want for her friends is for them to be distracted by an attack from the devil, especially one involving her.

We love you, Jill.

A Message To The Ladies: It's Time To Arise

A couple people asked me to write down what Pastor Kathy had me share with the women last night for those who missed it. Considering how much my computer is acting up as I try to write this, someone else definitely needs it.

This all started with my inability to sleep, which is all too common anymore. I decided I'd read for a bit and just skip women's group to rest. I reached out and grabbed "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere, but didn't make it very far. On the first page of the second chapter, there is a quote:

"If ever there would come a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known." - Matthew Arnold, 19th century British poet & philosopher

I read that and immediately thought of how things are changing at WRC. After reading the chapter, I took a picture, sent it to Pastor Kathy, and thought I was going to sleep. Wrong. PK asked me to read it to the ladies and suddenly I was wide awake feeling just how important this is right now.

We are coming out of the Arise Women's Conference, which was pretty incredible and I wasn't even around for all of it! I remember sitting in the control room hearing our media master, David Belich, say, "There is something different about this conference. I'm not even involved in it. I'm just around and it feels different." I shared that comment with Heather Eschenbaum and she hit the nail on the head: the unity made it more powerful.

But this isn't just the women of World Revival Church getting on the same page. There were more than 500 women at this conference. Ladies came from around the country and around the world and joined together with the same goal of chasing after God together. That unity isn't staying in Kansas City. The women who came took it home with them, along with a fresh fire. Becky Tuttle mentioned something later in the meeting that had passed through my mind during the day. There is strength in numbers. There is protection in linking shields with others. (If you've ever seen the show "Vikings" on the History channel, you know what I'm talking about there.) Our shields are wrapping around the world.

While I was speaking to the group, I shared a bit of what's been going on with me lately. I really had no intention of it and I didn't explain the bunny trail that led me to it. While I was standing beside PK and in front of the women, another line from the chapter came to mind. Bevere writes,

"Here is some of what I know about Heaven's daughter. She is lovely, intelligent, and capable. Her life is connected rather than isolated. She is loved by God and hated by Satan. She is oppressed worldwide by both subtle and obvious means."

As I looked out at the faces in front of me, "Her life is connected rather than isolated" jumped into my mind.

That is exactly where I've been living for the past 4-5 months.

I made a mistake and people close to me weren't shy about expressing their unhappiness with me. The invitations to hang out dropped off. I felt unloved and unwanted, so I protected myself by building an island. I stopped trying to be around people. I even told a couple people, yeah, it can be lonely, but there is no drama and I can do whatever I want, so I like it. My isolation kept getting more pronounced. If I wasn't on camera, chances are I wasn't in service either. I fell right into where the enemy wanted.

The breaking point came the Tuesday before the Arise Conference. My best friend, (yes, that one that I wrote about cutting off not long ago.... I'm a sucker for those I care about) called me and said they didn't want me to contact them for the foreseeable future. I was crushed. After crying it out for a couple hours, I grabbed my Bible and read for a while. A peace washed over me that this would be a good thing for us both. No matter how much you love someone, there is a point where you can't help them anymore and you're only hurting yourself by trying. Taking some time apart would give us both time to grow and step into who God is calling us to be. I laid there in bed that Tuesday and said, "Ok, God.... That was my last connection. I'm completely on my own now, but I just read about being together with the body. If it's time for me to come out of this isolation period, make it obvious."

Ask and you shall receive.

The next day, I felt like I should stay for the women's group, which I hadn't done before. I ended up in a group with two women I kinda knew, but never really talked to as the whole group became "salt sisters," I really connected with Leilani and immediately after we were dismissed, she asked me to lunch in a few days. I didn't tell her (until now) that she was the first answer to my prayer. One by one, all these girl dates started popping into my schedule.

I know I'm not the only one who is struggling and finding it's easier to live in isolation. If you are reading this and it's you, the time of being alone is over. It's time to step back into the body and get ready for what is about to happen. Be intentional. Let go of the resentment, bitterness, anger and hurt and jump back into the joy. Yes, it is hard, but I'm working on it right there with you. I went to hug Jacque during the conference and she immediately told me, "There is no waiting period between messing up and coming back. You pick right back up where you left off." It hit me so hard that I wrote it in my journal the second I got back to my seat. That word isn't just for me. Someone else out there needs to jump back in the race and start running again. We can feel the revival bubble is about to burst over us in a whole new way. You have to be there to be a part of it. Women are going to play a big role in this next wave and we need strength in numbers. Lionesses live and hunt in packs, so it is time for us to start doing the same.

If you aren't isolating yourself, look around. Notice who is missing and encourage them to come and be a part of what's coming. Notice who is fading away and reach out to them. Simply asking someone how they are doing or inviting them to do something will help. This doesn't need to be within our own friend groups. Unity isn't a bunch of cliques that aren't fighting. We all need each other. That's why Pastor Kathy is having us get into tiny groups and connect. We need people in our lives that don't fit nicely into our comfort zones. We need everyone's strengths and perspective in order to see the whole picture and be successful.

Bevere writes that she thought her dream meant she was the lioness, but later realized it is all the women of God. We have to step up together.  Like Arnold said, we need to come together simply for the good of mankind. What better good is there for mankind than the hope and life we receive through Jesus?! We carry a power inside us that we can't fully understand, but it is a force the world has never known. Women have been labeled as catty and fought each other for pretty much forever. It's time to shut down that stigma and show what the power of God can really do around the world.

Now is the time to get ready. Bevere writes, "Even the lioness knows she must stretch before she attempts to pounce." That got me thinking about how we will have to step out of our comfort zones as this next move happens. I prayed for God to start stretching me to get me ready, and not three hours later I had a microphone in my hand. (Which is totally not where I see myself, so that was quite strange.) Be praying for the open doors and that we are all ready to walk through them and face what's on the other side.

Last year, Pastor Steve said, "The lion has roared" and the weight of it really struck a lot of people. Well, now it's time for the lioness to get up and join him to hunt down the enemy.

Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland

Letting Go And Letting God

To say this past week started out on a sour note is putting it lightly.

I won't say what happened, since even the most vague of explanations would imply who else was involved, and I don't want it to be any more distracting than the situation already is. Just embrace the fact that I was in a total ginger rage for a couple days. It probably didn't help that I worked a ton and barely ate during that time. (Like, I'm talking 4 Oreos and 5 pretzels in nearly 40 hours kind of not eating.)

But then, along came Wednesday.

I was so excited to get through the day, and finally have two days off in a row. I got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Womp womp. The series of events that followed were frustrating, yet absolutely hilarious (and too long to include.) In the end, it took four journalists and a gallon of gas to not only get my car started, but to start shaking off the grump that had overtaken my week.

During my break at my part-time job, I decided to catch up on the One Year Bible reading I started with some friends, but seriously slacked off. The first day I went through included Proverbs 5:12-14, which says, "You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings. Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” It really got under my skin because of the situation. Those most directly involved, including myself, were given instruction, advice, and warnings. We acknowledged that most of it made sense. But, yet, we ignored it. Ignoring the warning ended up carrying a heavy price and became a distraction to the public around us. The annoyance of the whole thing was also trying to turn into anger and bitterness, but I know I can't let that take hold.

So, I did the only thing left to do in the situation: let go and give it to God. I can't waste my time worrying about the situation. I am still concerned for those involved because I do care about them, but I can't let the problem become the focus of my life. Yes, the situation still bugs me and gets under my skin, but I had to let as much go as I could before it made things worse.

Thursday, I spent the day off doing things I keep saying I'm going to do. I joined a gym, went for a walk in the sunshine, spent time with a friend, cleaned my car and apartment, read my Bible, did my hair and went to prayer service. Friday, I went to a work meeting, hit the gym again, had a great lunch and chat with a friend, and started trying new things. As simple as it is, trying something different, like red lipstick and different hair products, on top of working out really helped to shift my mood. More time in the Bible was changing my perspective. I was on camera Friday night, so I only caught part of it, but Pastor Kathy preached on the goodness of God. It reminded me, again, to stop looking at the problem. Stop looking at the hurt. Focus on the bigger picture. This situation is only temporary, but God's goodness is permanent. Whatever happens and comes next will be good because that's what he promised. Psalm 27:13 says, "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

I'm still living so there is still goodness ahead. I'm trying to focus on the good happening around me every day, like going to Planet Comicon, meeting one of my favorite authors, and getting free ice cream. There are still moments I am bummed or angry, but they are more spaced out now. I refuse to let the enemy distract me and get me off track,

School starts tomorrow, so it's time to buckle down and get focused again.

Don't Be Shaken

The struggle is real.

I don't know how many times I've clicked on "new post" or opened my journal but nothing makes it onto the page. It's not like nothing is happening. January was a whirlwind month on so many levels, but nothing would come out. I even started this post a week ago and just never could finish it. I've tried so many times, I don't remember where I was going with it, so I'm just going to let it be and move on.

Maybe it's the weight of everything that happened and the words spoken that's made it hard to write about. I've felt like some big change is on its way for a little while, and that was really confirmed over the past two weeks. As I started writing this, I was streaming service from World Revival Church. Pastor Steve Gray just mentioned preparing by getting passports, which has been on my mind for a while. This is on the heels of Pastor Steve declaring at the women's conference, "The lion has roared" and Autumn really pushing the students to be more disciplined, eliminate options, and to know who we are so we won't be shaken.

Right now feels like the shakedown. So many of my friends and I have been fighting through a myriad of struggles and attacks. It sucks that it is all at the same time. It makes us harder to be there for each other when we have our own problems. It pulls us out of community, which is one of the places we draw strength. That is to be expected since we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. He isn't going to make things easy for us in the slightest. But we will overcome because Yahweh is with us. A couple things Autumn said in class last Friday that stood out were, "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and you are doing it wrong" and, "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." Of course, that night, Pastor Eric introduced a new song with the line, "shake everything that can be shaken." The classmate I sat with and I could not get through the line without giggling. (Of course, as I wrap this post up, the church is singing it again.) Pastor Tom's sermon hit on a lot of the major points from the week's classes, affirming everything we had been talking about. Something big is coming... the season is changing. But in order to get to the change, we have to fight to hold on... fight to stand our ground. We will not be shaken.

One Down

My first quarter at the World Revival School of Ministry just came to an end with a final that felt like it lasted only five minutes. I cannot fathom how quickly it passed! This and other events of the day sparked a nostalgic and reflective spirit. I haven't had time to really write much this quarter, even though there were many things I wanted to share. Let's be real, I didn't sleep or cook much. Writing about all the changes slipped down the totem pole of priorities behind homework, work, and a nap in the backseat of my car. But I wouldn't change a thing. I am still alive purely by the power of God, and loving every minute of this journey.

One of my favorite moments of the quarter happened right before our first final. You could feel the stress and fear in the room leading up to that test. Where my public university professors would have handed out the tests immediately, Heather taught us how to fight it off. We entered into a time of deep prayer and, together, commanded that spirit to leave us. After a few minutes, the atmosphere was completely different. We pulled the presence of God into that room, and man, was it awesome. The Holy Spirit guided my hand while I answered those questions. Several of us talked about not really realizing what we were writing, because the Spirit was doing it for us. I am so thankful for a school that takes that moment to really make sure the students are grasping what is really important. The grade isn't the important part. It's being able to draw strength from God whenever we need it.

It is really hard to believe that ten weeks actually happened. I could believe maybe five or six, but not ten. Looking back, there is so much change in myself in my classmates, that maybe it really was more than ten weeks. Who knows... They say time flies when you are having fun, and I think spending time in the presence of God with amazing people qualifies as fun. Even now, I'm sitting in a gym listening to some of them practice playing worship songs. I could be sleeping, but this is infinitely more fulfilling.

I've gained a whole new group of friends in my classmates. I was really quiet for the first chunk of the quarter. It wasn't until the midterm for Developing a Lifestyle of Faith class that I opened up. I remember the moment well. When we finished the test, we went into the library to wait for our next class. I sat in the corner and worked on a knitting project. Someone knocked the rubber grip off of a seat, and I said, "This is why we can't have nice things!" Everyone burst into laughter and it loosened the room up. Next thing I know, a couple girls are sitting with me in the corner chatting away and discovering all these things we have in common. In the weeks that followed, our late night Taco Bell study parties and Facebook conversations have really forged an amazing bond. These people have really grown to be my adopted siblings in Christ and I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

Since my last post, I've also experienced an amazing healing. I was moving a set of book bays at work, when the shelves collapsed. One of them slammed into my wrist. It immediately turned purple and started swelling, to the point my managers had me file my first (and hopefully last!) injury report. Typing at my main job all night was painful. I moved slowly but got through it. Then, I ran a jib camera at church, which takes a lot of thumb movement. It was incredibly painful and I couldn't feel my hand at all by the end of service. One of my friends and a prayer warrior noticed I was holding it and asked to pray. She said she could feel the warmth travel through my skin as I quickly started feeling my fingers again. The pain immediately went away and never returned, not even when I bumped walking in my door 20 minutes later. My God is so good and faithful, and I am so thankful for His healing touch!

There were so many moments in class where someone would say something amazing and I would quickly scribble the quote down in my notebook with the intent of posting it on Facebook or writing a post based off it. By the end of the class, there were too many to choose from and I would let it pass. So, now, I'm just going to blow your mind with some of the wisdom poured into me over the past few weeks in one fell swoop, plus some of the inevitable silliness that comes from a group of sleep deprived millennials.

- We GET to do the things of God. 

- "Faith can afford to let someone else have first dibs." - Pastor Kathy

- There is power in building your faith through glorifying the Lord.

- You can't choose to be offended by people and have faith.

- Don't even think about marrying someone who doesn't convict you.

- If you can't be happy with just you and God, your "Abraham" will never be enough.

- "You have a God like a very fast and powerful car. Why do you act like you are going to drive a tricycle down the highway?" - Heather

- "Please think!" "My mother didn't teach me to cook. She taught me to think! I had to Google the recipe because my mother only taught me to think!" - Pastor Kathy (The recipe was for some great chili!)

- The Kingdom of God is not a fairy tale. We act like Disney princesses in distress. We want God to be our Prince Charming and save us without any effort. Revival takes work!

- The Word of God is not weak. Our understanding is weak.

- "May the Lord strike you...... with great conviction! Ha! You thought I was going to say something else!" - Heather

- The problem isn't that the kingdom is lacking, it is the lack of asking.

- "One conversation... What do people get from you?" - Heather

- "You are not stretched. Write a book!" - Heather

- "We put God on a fast food timeline. A lifestyle of faith takes your whole life. You will never arrive until you are at heaven's gates."

- "What you whine and complain about today, you'll wish for tomorrow." - Heather

- "It is not the gospel about me." - Pastor Steve

- "A soldiers' only option is 'Yes, sir!' Giving yourself options is giving yourself the option to fail." -Autumn

- #HangryJesus - see Mark 11:14. 

- God will not rally for us if we don't rally for Him.

- "No one is upset about gossip, pride and greed because we've adapted to it and are more comfortable in the darkness than in the light." - Pastor Steve

- Some issues aren't about right and wrong, but right and more right. Are you going to use your freedom in Christ for yourself and cause someone else to stumble or are you going to share it with all? Those who live should not live for themselves.

- Sometimes, the enemy tries to engage you in a battle to wear you down, like boxing the air.

- Accept that you'll have a Judas in your life, but don't stop loving people. People will feel your guardedness and not trust you, even if you have nothing to hide.

- The secret to contentment is the presence of God.

- "A butterfly on the back will eventually be a butterfly in the crack."

- Jesus and his disciples were not Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, whistling while they worked. Jesus didn't wave a magic wand and heal people with a bippity boppity boo. - Autumn

- "When you know who you are, you don't have to defend yourself." - Autumn

- God cares how you feel, but He won't change course for it because your feelings will change as you transform into the image of Christ.

-"Jesus is the answer to everything!" - Trevor

- "That was a burp from the depths of my soul!" - Erica

- "You should talk to Danielle. She's interested in that stuff and she's awkward too." - Kelsey. "Hi... uhh... I'm going to look at the books now." - Danielle

"Thank you for letting me spank you in the Spirit." - Heather

"I think I'm going to ban Mountain Dew next time. I can tell exactly who had it." - Autumn

There were so many other moments. I might add them later.

All of these lessons and moments in service have really altered who I am. It really hit me at work today how much God has changed me over the past few months. Working in news, I deal with and see a lot of terribly graphic things. Just between today and yesterday, four people died in crashes while I was working. The one overnight into this morning involved two pedestrians getting hit by several cars and it literally tore them apart. Police couldn't figure out why the people got out of their car and walked onto the interstate. While most people would be horrified at hearing something, a normal reaction among journalists is "That's a great story!" or "Can we get the dashcam video from the cop that hit them?" Both statements were made this morning, but I couldn't join in. Even though I knew nothing about these two people, I felt a deep ache for them. My eyes welled up and the more we talked about it, the more it bugged me. It's a stark contrast to earlier this year and a couple years ago when I had to cover similar stories. I even saw one of them, yet it didn't bug me. We made our "normal" off-color jokes and went on with our day like nothing happened. But today really got to me. It reminded me of something we talked about in our "Innocence Restored" group over the summer. We talked about how the way to fix a hard and cold heart is to soak in the oil of God's presence and let Him soften it until it matches His heart. We can't really reflect His love if our hearts are like rocks. We have to be vulnerable to injury in order to really love like Jesus does. Jesus was vulnerable and died to show love. We don't have the imminent threat of death for following Christ like many other countries, and that results in a lot of lackadaisical Christians. That isn't what I want to be. Being a part of this school is really showing me how to develop a stronger faith, which requires action. As Pastor James keeps saying, God is raising up a remnant. I am so honored to be a part of this group as we grow to be God's firebrands together.

I can't wait to start the next quarter with these amazing teachers and classmates.