How The Beach Impacted My Thoughts On The Future

Life is crazy.

Somehow, I landed the amazing opportunity to go to Europe for a little more than a month. Oh, the stories I could tell from that adventure! Maybe pieces of it will come up in future posts.

For now, I'm just going to share a little piece of my journal.

Before I left, someone mentioned that they don't think I'm in the career I belong, and it sent me into a bit of a spiral trying to figure out if there's truth to that statement. It's something I've debated for years now, but journalism is the only job I ever clearly saw myself doing.

The only thing to do in situations where you don't know what to do is to spend some time with God about it. I took my coloring Bible and journal down to the beach in Broadstairs, and spent some time with Jeremiah 29:11-13, which says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.'"

After some time thinking on that passage and praying, I started to write and try to find a direction again. Instead, the ink formed the following words on the paper, and I don't think the message is just for me.


"As I've been sitting here, the tide has been creeping back in, covering up the rocks and sand I was walking on  an hour or so ago. It looks pretty different... kinda like life itself.


I saw things one way, but the earth shifted and adjusted what was my reality. I can no longer see the ground I was walking on, like I can no longer tell you what I want to do anymore. But the seeds of God's plan are still buried in me, like the rocks and shells are still underneath the waves. The tides will change and they will become visible once again.

Maybe that's how the desires of our heart work too. God gives them to the deep places inside us, and rolls back the tide every so often to remind us that they are there... it just isn't time to pick them up yet. Especially with big rocks, the waves have to wear them down to smaller pieces and wash away a large amount of sand before you can pry it out of the earth.

Even when you can't see it, the waves of life are preparing that big dream to break loose at just the right time. The bigger the dream, the longer it takes to prepare and loosen.

But you also have to be preparing to carry it.

Larger stones require more muscle to carry it distances greater than two inches. Same with goals and visions. They require strength to carry out to completion.

Tides change. Views change. The substance underneath the currents doesn't change. It just takes shape. So, I guess the answer requires looking at what has been there all along, even when the waves of life have blocked it from view for a while."

In case you're curious, here's how drastically the view changed.

Just remember, even the wind and waves obey Him. He can roll back the tide to remind you who He created you to be in the moments you need it most. Jeremiah 29 is written to exiles, and that's honestly how I felt for parts of my trip. I was alone (at best, with people I just met) and didn't hear much from home, which drove me absolutely bonkers. But when I needed it and sought Him out, Jesus joined me on a beach to share a different perspective on what the future could hold.

That, my friends, is where you find hope.

Mixing Religion and Politics While Donald Trump Takes Over as President of the United States

The two things they say you aren't supposed to talk about are religion and politics, so it makes sense to write about them both at the same time, right? Maybe I'll lose some friends, but oh well.

I've been writing about this day at my day job for what feels like an eternity. The reality is, it has been about two years worth of political stories, every single day. I've been over talking about it for about as long, but, as a journalist, it is my job to make sure the public is informed. (How much we should be sharing and sensationalism are two completely different stories. Don't get me started.) I rarely share anything about my own thoughts on the matters because that is not my job. My job is to give truth, not share my personal bias or stir up fear. Vocally, I'll play both sides because that is my ENTP personality and my journalistic duty. As the high-ups tell us, "Give light and the people will find their own way."

Unfortunately, I'm not seeing many people find their way right now. It's just a lot of stubbornness and pride. Throughout the campaign, social media turned into a boatload of fear and whining on both sides of the aisle. I don't care who you voted for, but what good is coming from the complaints and destructive protests? None. Maybe you feel a bit better having voiced your outrage that someone thinks differently than you, but did you change their mind or just create negativity in your relationship with them? Chances are, it's the latter.

I'm not writing to say your views are right or wrong. Like it or not, Donald Trump is our President as of today. The point is to think about your actions and words, and what Christians are supposed to do now. The Bible is pretty clear about it. Submit and pray for them, whether you agree or not.

Romans 13:1-5 says, "Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. For the authorities do not strike fear in people who are doing right, but in those who are doing wrong. Would you like to live without fear of the authorities? Do what is right, and they will honor you. The authorities are God’s servants, sent for your good. But if you are doing wrong, of course you should be afraid, for they have the power to punish you. They are God’s servants, sent for the very purpose of punishing those who do what is wrong. So you must submit to them, not only to avoid punishment, but also to keep a clear conscience."

1 Peter 2:13-17 says, "For the Lord’s sake, submit to all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right. It is God’s will that your honorable lives should silence those ignorant people who make foolish accusations against you. For you are free, yet you are God’s slaves, so don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Respect everyone, and love the family of believers. Fear God, and respect the king."

Titus 3:1-2 says, "Remind the believers to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good. They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone."

I Timothy 2:1-2 says, "I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness."

Pretty clear direction, I'd say.

The prayer is the especially important part. Words have power, so why on earth would you use your authority to make things worse? Why would you curse your leader, when bad things happening to them will negatively impact your own life? Trump is still the President and his actions will change our world, for better or worse. So, our job is to pray for the better. Pray that God gives Trump the wisdom to make the right decisions at the right time, and that he recognizes that it is coming from God. Declare that Trump knows where to find the answers. Call down peace and protection to follow him wherever he goes. Speak blessings over Trump and that he has favor with world leaders. Pray the projects he picks are fruitful. This is a biblical principle. Jeremiah 29:7 says, "Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." If Trump is successful while serving as our leader, we will see blessing too. Maybe then, this whole "make America great again" concept can become our reality. 

If you can't bring yourself to pray good for him because you don't want a person you don't like to do well, you might need to check your heart. Is your personal pride more important than the benefit of the whole country? Just something to think about... Don't get in the way of what God is trying to do, because he only does good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Trust that, no matter who is in office, God is in control and He wants to do good. We have no idea what pieces can now fall into place.

The other aspect Christians need to be bringing into the world right now is a spirit of thankfulness. First off, we live in a country where we don't have to hide our faith just to stay alive or out of prison. Be thankful that Americans get to choose their leader, while many countries don't allow that opportunity. And be grateful that, despite all the tension among the people, the hand-off between President Obama and Trump has been peaceful. I mean, Gambia just had to hold its presidential inauguration IN ANOTHER COUNTRY because the outgoing president refused to leave, and now they are sending troops in to try to get the guy out. Compare that with here in America, where the Obamas and Trumps had tea together before heading to the ceremony. Be thankful, guys. We have it good.

Again, I do not care who you voted for. You are entitled to your opinions and views. You are also entitled to damage friendships and spew curses that will trickle down to your family if you so choose, but why would you want to? Now is the time to unite in prayer and hope for a brighter future.

"Brothers and sisters

All sons and daughters

Rise up united

Fight for each other."

-- Be Fierce by Dustin Smith

Never Forget: Even Little Dreams Do Come True

There are a handful of things I've wanted to do for many years of my life, but growing up pretty poor put those dreams into a corner of my mind where they became a 'one day maybe' instead of something that was attainable. One dream I've carried since I was a wee child was to visit Pearl Harbor. It even made it into a creative writing assignment somewhere around 5th grade where I was telling a friend what I had been up to recently, but 20 years in the future. 

It finally came true.

It's funny how a random Facebook post during my New Orleans & Canada adventure in June sparked this whole thing into being, but that's just how God is. 

It wasn't coincidence that I made a reference to the 75th anniversary of the attack to a friend.

It wasn't coincidence that my favorite teacher saw it.

It wasn't coincidence that the teacher lived five minutes away from the Harbor and offered a place to stay if we made the trip.

It wasn't coincidence that the plane tickets dropped $150 without a Google price alert the day I decided to take the step of faith and buy it.

It wasn't coincidence that I got work-study the next day, freeing up the money I had just spent on the plane ticket.

It was God.

But you know what, God doesn't just fulfill dreams the way our human minds fathom an ideal situation. He's a good Father and likes to show off sometimes. 

That is exactly what He did for me with this trip.

Going to Pearl Harbor and seeing the history of the attack and where my grandpa was toward the end of WWII would've been enough for me.

Getting to make the trek for the 75th anniversary made it a special piece of history.

Getting to make the trip with a friend and stay with someone in my professional field who I look up to is awesome.

But God opened the door to combining things I love, making it more than little Stephanie ever imagined this trip could be. I was able to get media passes to take a camera, meet the survivors, tell their stories and share the messages they want people to know. 

This trip was incredible.

I spent time on the USS Arizona memorial with just members of the media at sunrise.

I shook hands with four of the five men still alive who escaped that ship, while 1,177 are entombed there.

I met a handful of other men who survived bullets and bombs falling from the sky.

I watched current members of the military stand and hold a salute for about an hour in the hot Hawaiian sun while the veterans left the ceremony. These young men and women didn't wipe the dripping sweat from their faces or let their arms rest when they were visibly trembling with exhaustion. I don't have words for the respect and honor there. 

I learned about a little known man, George Whiteman, who died in the attack on the other side of the island, and now has an Air Force base named after him in Missouri.

I visited the USS Utah memorial, where you can still see the cables crews used to try to right the ship and save the men on board, but were unsuccessful. Then, we walked through the 429 white marble pillars, representing the 429 lives lost on the USS Oklahoma.

The attack on Pearl Harbor is heavy stuff, and I can't even count the number of times I had to choke back tears. Just standing on the pier at the moment the attack was happening 75 years before was overwhelming enough for my mind, but to see these brave men return to a place where they almost lost their lives and talk about forgiving Japan... speechless. These guys are so inspirational in their survival stories alone, but the strength with which they do it can't be put into words. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forget when Jack Holder was talking about running to a sewer line under construction to avoid the bullets and he teared up while saying that the only thing he was thinking at that time was, "God, please don't let me die in this ditch." 

I also won't be able to forget how every time I heard Donald Stratton talk, he made sure to mention the 1,177 who weren't as lucky as he was, or how eyes lit up and how tightly he grabbed my hand when I said I was reading his book and asked him to sign it.

These guys don't want us to forget how blessed we truly are in this country, and it's so humbling to be able to pass that message on to you now.

While I expected to work my tail off, which we did, and dealt with some less-than-pleasant situations on the media side, it was still an incredible moment to be able to cover and experience. 

We did manage to work in some fun though! When I asked for an interviewed with actor Gary Sinise, I didn't really think it would happen, but it did. Not only that, we got to be near the stage during the Lt. Dan Band's performance on Waikiki Beach. I met NBC news crews, including Jay Gray. We ate at the North Shore's famous food trucks, played in the water at Shark's Cove, hiked through areas of Waimea Bay that you could recognize in movies, swam in 20-30 feet deep ice cold water to stand under a waterfall (have I mentioned I'm not a fan of swimming? Because I'm not and it was terrifying), saw baby pineapples growing at the Dole Plantation and ate some of that fantastic Dole whip, stood in front of the USS Missouri, climbed part of the way up the dormant Diamond Head volcano, stood in the waves at Waikiki, checked out a swap meet at Aloha Stadium, and ate some fantastic meals with amazing people. Our hosts were beyond incredible tour guides and people. And of course, I always have a blast with my travel buddy.

I say all of this as a reminder to hold on to your dreams, even when it doesn't seem like something that would ever become a reality for you. Nothing is impossible with God. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" and Psalm 37:4-5 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Following God can be a hard path, but it has so many rewards. He opens doors that you might not have even thought to knock on or even walk toward. If he can take my simple dream of visiting such a historic place and make it happen in so much more a grand fashion that I could have thought up myself, what could He do for you in your life? 

The blessings are limitless because He is limitless. He is a good Father who wants to give you what you desire, even the seemingly small things buried in hopes and dreams you let fade into nothingness. Don't give up on your dreams and don't give up on God. Following Him brings the best into your life in perfect timing. Never forget.

Sweetness And Strength

You ever have those moments where God kinda smacks you in the face with a truth that should probably be obvious to you by that point?

Yeah, that just happened.

I guess this all started when I bought my new car in June (forgot to mention that in the life is good post yesterday.) I ended up talking a friend to the same guy to buy a car a couple days later. During the test drive, the subject of Oreos came up, and we actually stopped to find one of the new flavors I had mentioned, but they were out. The salesman mentioned a few times throughout the rest of our time that he was disappointed we couldn't find them. I had a pack in my desk at work, and felt like I should give them to him. I did, despite it feeling like the most awkward thing ever. He text me moments after I left saying I was sweet.

And, like a weirdo, it annoyed me.

He called me sweet a couple other times over text and I always tried to argue it.

Fast forward to last night: we were texting about something car related and he handled the issue. I felt like I needed to encourage him a bit, so I just did that I hoped everything was going well and he deserved good things. He responded, "You're such a sweetheart I can barely stand it." I was having none of that crap and said, "lol. Just don't cross me."

I know, smooth one, Red...

The conversation faded out and I moved on with life.

Then, in class today, we had visitors from Poland. It was Heather's class, so I should have known what was coming. She had us pray for them and speak into their lives.

In the group was a 15-year-old girl Heather accurately described as pure sugar. I immediately has some things come to mind, but stayed quiet for a while. As the guys were winding down, I silently prayed that if the words that came to mind were for her, then have Heather come grab me next. About 2 minutes later, here comes Heather, which almost made me laugh out loud.

I spoke the initial thoughts, but didn't say everything. Florence had a turn and Heather walked back over to the girl. I don't remember what Heather said, but I blurted out something I had held back.

"Your sweetness is a strength."

Heather had me repeat the phrase, and that's when I heard, "So is yours, if you'll let it." Woo! Despite it being 68° in the room, which would normally have me shivering, I was sweating.

Heather then had me pray for Florence and the main word was strength, so Heather told me to give her my strength, so I gripped Florence's hands and we pushed for a bit. Heather then said something along the lines of, giving your strength to someone else doesn't mean you get weaker; the Holy Spirit gives you more.

I started thinking about how I'm always fighting people thinking I'm nice because I was raised to be tougher than that. Seriously, I've gone out of my way to be a brat to people who think there is good in me, which makes zero sense, I know. I've never been one for feelings and junk, but there is a definite soft spot that's been growing in me the last few months. It's especially noticeable at work. Instead of being able to compartmentalize, writing about some things going on in the world have brought me to tears lately. It's rather annoying and I've fought it.

But in that moment, I realized that it's a good thing. It's evidence of what He's doing in and through me. It's an opportunity to reach people in ways I couldn't before. It's my eyes opening with compassion, and should be embraced.

I saw how other people treated this car salesman, and it was not ok. (Like, I had to grab a book or I was going to end up fighting one guy. It was ridiculous.) Instead of being happy that a kindness in me stood out to him, I wanted to blend in with the jerks of the crowd. It's really rather silly, now that I see it.

This battle between sweet and strong is pretty common for women, especially in the workplace as we trying to lead fiercely without being cold. These two traits aren't meant to be exclusive. Think on this: while bees can cause pain, they also create sweet honey. We value that honey. They've got it down.

Balance is out there.

Your sweetness is a strength. Embrace it.

7 Things I Learned From My Season of Solitude

I thought I posted this last week. Apparently not. I guess I'll leave this for now and come back to my new thoughts later...

Since my last post, several people have asked me if any good came out of my few months "in hiding," so to speak. The answer is a resounding, "yes!" Here are the seven keys that stand out the most.

1. Rest is actually an important thing. 

Those of you who know me personally probably just fell out of your chair or did a spit take. I've always been the girl constantly on the go, fully believing in sayings like, "sleep is for the weak" and "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Shortly before all the drama happened, several people expressed concern about my daily schedule. One of my friends went so far to say, "you aren't burning the candle at both ends. You threw the whole thing into the fire." Apparently working a full-time job, a part-time job, being a full-time college student and trying have a social life sounds like it's too much.  Meh. I survived, didn't I? Did I survive without being a moron? Not so much. One person told me that I tend to make dumb decisions when I'm sleepy, and she had a point. So, I used the time I'd normally be in class to get almost a normal amount of sleep, most of the time.

2. A different kind of independence.

As an oldest child, I'm pretty independent from the get-go, but I'm also pretty social. I never really thought of it as a crutch, but it is in a way. I hid behind my jam-packed calendar and used it as an excuse to get out of things. Making the decision to cut everyone off gave me more freedom. I didn't say no to things because I only had a couple hours to sleep and do things. I said no because I didn't want to. I stopped needing to see and talk to people all day and focused on what I wanted. Yes, that's a little selfish and yes, it was lonely, but there was a freedom in it. Not only was I sleeping almost normally for the first time in years, but I was reading for fun again. I started going back to the gym a little bit. The few people who were a part of my life during those months were there because I wanted them there. I had to learn to stand on my own and not live for what other people thought I should do.

3. ... but submitting to leadership is not as painful as it sounds.

When Heather first suggested one on one meetings, let's just say I was less than excited about the whole deal. In her words, I had a "junky attitude." She basically had to challenge me into it, knowing I do love disproving expectations. Even though I agreed to do it, doesn't mean I was all in for the process. I actually avoided it for a while. The holidays gave me a great opportunity to put this whole concept of letting someone all up in my business on the back burner. While I was ducking the process, I met someone who actually made me want to be better so I could be something good in their life. It opened my eyes to what I was hiding from.... the people who actually saw something good buried in me and wanted to bring it to the surface. I had to heal for the sake of everyone else my story could positively impact, and that meant listening to people who have experience getting past hurdles. As much as I fought it in the beginning, I can already see how much that guidance helped in just a couple months time. It's crazy to think how much change is possible in the months to come.

4. Consistency brings stability.

Roller coasters are fun because of the ups and downs. Despite Pastor Diana talking about stability I don't know how many times, I still felt like the ups and downs are what make life the adventure that it is. But that was an opinion formed from a life that had never really known stability. In setting goals and taking small steps to make them happen, things leveled out in a good way. Life still has its ups and downs, but life is better now. Taking care of myself and being consistent in doing so has leveled out the day to day life in a positive way. The journey doesn't end with leveling out myself. Now, I'm becoming someone other people can lean on instead of being the one leaning on others.

5. Perseverance.

This journey has not been easy to say the least, and it still isn't easy now. There are so many times I wanted to give up and vanish. I thought about moving. I thought about quitting media team or the church. One person argued with me about how they'd do anything to still be here, but then they walked in my shoes. Being in a place where people know your mistakes and hold it against you, whether they realize the judgement in their glares or not, sucks. As much as I wanted to leave, I knew I wasn't done here. I couldn't walk away knowing something big is around the corner. Mary's "kitty cat claws" had to come out and dig in, no matter how painful it was. I became as invisible as possible just to get through it all, knowing at some point, it would be worth it.

6. Hope.

For some odd reason, I really latched on to the word "hope" at the beginning of the year. Hebrews 6:19 says, "Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast." This has really come alive in my life. The more I fought to hang on, the more I had to question why I was doing it. My boss asked me one day, "What is the point? It doesn't seem like it's working for you." At the time, I didn't have an answer other than, "because it's what I know I need to do." Later in the day, I remembered a line out of Lisa Bevere's book "Girl's With Swords" that basically says the enemy isn't attacking who you are now, but who you could be in the future. That made me look ahead. I had to have a hope that there is something better ahead. The church's theme for the year is "begin again" and I latched on to the hope in those two simple words. The radio even cemented that stirring of hope in me with songs like: "Grace Wins," "It's Not Over Yet,"and "Trust in You." I had to think differently. I had to hope that the good was coming, and when it showed up, it nearly knocked me over. Without faith that God is good and He will back up His people, I wouldn't have made it through this season.

7. It's only a season, and seasons come to an end.

It's so easy to get sucked into the pity party of "why me" and "things aren't going to change" but seasons always come to and end, allowing a new one to begin. Because of all the things I had been learning, I was ready for the clouds to break. I was broken and surrendered, which is the perfect place for God to start moving in and through you. I could've turned to any number of things to get over the hurt and sadness, but I turned to where my strength actually comes from. Now, I'm back in the School of Ministry and doors are opening that I didn't think would ever so much as crack. I was telling my dad about everything and described this new season as terrifyingly peaceful. Life is truly good now, but I can feel that something v even better is on the way.

Looking back, my friend Jacque was right. She told me it's easier to work on your character workout the crowd. It took a problem in public to get me to that point on both levels, but I'm walking it out. This journey isn't over. Yeah, people still keep their distance and blame me for the problems others are dealing with, but oh well. I know I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. Those whose opinions matter know I'm trying. That's what matters. I'm not doing this for the crowd. I'm doing it because it's right and phrases God. Everything and everyone else will fall into place on its own.

Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Worship Through The Pain; God Is Still There Through The Hardest Moments

I've been procrastinating this post long enough. I keep saying I'll write it after I do my homework, but that isn't going anywhere this week, so here goes.

September was a really rough month for me, and I'm incredibly glad it's over.

It all started the morning of the first when a very important relationship in my life blew up in spectacularly dramatic fashion. Break-ups are hard enough, but the way it crumbled around me left me crushed and isolated. If it would have ended that day, maybe the month would have felt differently, but that's not how life goes. Every time I thought the situation was improving, there was a sudden twist back to Suckytown waiting at the next step. One of those rocked my world with pain that eclipsed the initial heartbreak, but I never really mentioned it to others outside the situation. That's all I'll say about that, so, moving on!

Toward the end of the month, my Grandpa passed away. My dad left a message on Facebook to call him after I was done with wedding rehearsals. After a couple rounds of phone tag, I finally got a hold of him for the update. He put me on speakerphone and I got to tell Grandpa I loved him one last time. I asked him to hold on for nine more days for my previously planned surprise visit, but he was gone within five minutes of the call ending. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night.

By that point, I was just ready for this train wreck of a month to end. With two days left in September, Pastor Eric Thomasson preached something during chapel that I needed to hear. He said, "Worship through the pain. Sing with a little anger." He talked about how just because we don't feel like doing something for God, doesn't mean we get to give him less than our best. "You don't do it because you feel like it, guys. You do it because it's right," Eric said. "God gets the most glory out of people who don't feel adequate to do what God has called them to do, but do it anyway." Pastor Eric went on to talk about not letting seasons in life dictate who God is and using whatever pain we are struggling with as ammunition through the darkness straight to the heart of God. (See, I was paying attention despite my phone going off! Ha!) Not only was I paying attention then, but I though about the concept all week.

Friday rolled around and I went to church as usual. Right before service, I was informed that my attempt at being nice was twisted, and I about lost my cool. As my eyes welled up, the woman told me not to let it ruin my night. Pastor Eric's words came back to my mind. "Sing with a little anger." In that moment, I had more than a little fuel and I fully intended to use it.

So that's what I did, and dang, did it ever work. It took a couple minutes and a lot of focus, but worshiping THROUGH the pain broke off that anger. Maybe we shook it off with our awkward jumping trio, but I found myself smiling and laughing again without forcing it.

During worship, Pastor Eric said, "Don't fear this new season. The new season will bring a brighter day." He kept trying to talk, but the world's worst feedback took over. The devil really didn't want that message sinking in, but I grabbed on to it.

Then later, Pastor James had one woman go to the front because how she was worshiping after everything she's been through in life took his breath away. Before he even finished saying what he was going to have her do, Esther pushed me and said "go." I didn't move. Pastor James said he wanted her to pray for women who were going through a tough time. Esther shoved me again, but that time I went forward. Lots of tears later, the woman next to me grabbed my knee and squeezed. I have never talked to this woman, but I wrapped an arm around her and we just sat there, soaking in the strength in that moment.

Pastor James talked about how storms reveal our foundation, but there will always be a morning. "It's in knowing God that we will be able to stand through any storm." So, I decided then, this seemingly never-ending storm sucks, but it's not going to ruin what's ahead for me.

All of this drama and loss distracted me from all the good that's been happening around me throughout the month. I started a promotion at my primary job, and have had a complete blast with it. My schedule changed to a four day work week, which is pretty fantastic. I got a raise at my part time job. I jumped back into WRSM. I got to stand next to a friend of 17 years as she started a new chapter in her life with the most fun wedding I've ever been to. I spent time catching up with old friends and made fantastic new ones. I went camping, fed bison, and moved a massive tree branch on my own.

Even with my grandpa's death, there is good. He isn't in pain anymore. I'm pretty lucky that I made it to 26 years old before I lost the first grandparent. I already had a trip home planned, but he gave me more time with family. (Granted, being in the house without him is strange as all get out!) Heather messaged me out of the blue and said, "Your grandpa now watches you from above and is encouraging you with his love." I think that's pretty true considering how proud he looked when he found out I was in ministry school during my last visit.

There was so much good in this month, but I let the bad overpower the positive. The biggest positive of all is that I'm still standing. September wasn't just hard on me. There were a lot of people going through major trials at the same time, and we are all still standing because of how we handled the problem and where we placed our faith.

I didn't want to leave service that Friday night, but before I ran off to work, I hugged Dean'na. After a moment, she said, "You aren't leaving. You have too much to do here." I already gained so much peace and freedom throughout the service, but she just added on to it. I may not know exactly what role lies ahead, but I am certainly not going to let jerkwads and drama keep me from it. I'm not going to let anger and bitterness toward them block me out of God's next move, so I pray for them and for the strength to not go back to that place of darkness.

Like Pastor Eric said in chapel, "If you aren't satisfied, you are in a good place. Satisfaction leads to complacency." I'm not satisfied with where I am, but I'm also not going to let the storm steal the joy and goodness of God that is surrounding me on this journey.

I think we both knew that my visit in January would be the last time we saw each other. He wasn't expected to live long enough for me to get there then, but I got to pray for him and he lasted another 8 months. When I told him it was time for me to go, he grabbed onto me with both hands. They said he cried once I left, and so did I.
I missed seeing him again this time by 9 days. 
Lyle Carr was quite the character and an amazing man. I'm so blessed to call him my family. We miss you so much, Grandpa! 

11/1/26 - 9/25/15

Removing branches of fruitless relationships from life, no matter how painful and challenging

I haven't felt like I've had anything worthwhile to say lately. It's just one of the fruits that shriveled up over this summer. The seasons are changing in so many ways, and I simply must share. Trust me, this all weaves together.

About a month ago, I went back to where I grew up for a wedding. My date and I planned to camp out in the backyard of the now vacant home I once lived in. Since it's been empty for more than a year, there were plants blocking the stairs to the deck and we didn't feel like risking poison ivy in the dark.

Instead, we sat and enjoyed the clear view of the stars and start of the Perseid meteor shower for a while, then got a hotel in town. It turned out to be a good thing because a pretty strong storm rolled through that night.

I didn't realize how lucky we were until yesterday, when I stopped by and saw branches down all over the place. The biggest one would have landed on my car had we stayed.

I blew it off as "nothing I can do now" and carried on with the evening's plans.

Those plans happened to be the most tame bachelorette party ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

The week before was incredibly difficult. I was coming off a profoundly painful end to a cherished relationship, but I was bound and determined to not be a Debbie downer at this party.

The bride and I have known each other about 17 years now. We grew up about a mile apart, which was the one end of our tiny town to the other and went to college together, also pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Camping on her family's ranch was a no-brainer for the party.

Several times throughout the night, I'd glance up at the sky. It was a crystal clear night, so we could see the Milky Way, some meteors bringing up the rear of the Perseid shower, and thousands of stars. It was astoundingly beautiful. When I was a kid and had something on my mind, I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. I'd sit on the front porch, stare at Orion and send my stress to the stars. I felt like this party was the same thing. Not only was I sending all the stress and hurt to the sky, it was flying away with meteors as I made wishes for this new chapter of life. It was so therapeutic and relaxing, I was able to double my sleep for the week in just one night.

This morning, I wanted to stall in town to visit the pizza shop, so I decided I'd earn some brownie points with the parents and try to clear up some of the branches. I definitely did not think this job through, but God sent me there for another reason.

The broken, dead branch was about 10-12 feet long, and about a foot in diameter at the base. Needless to say, it weighed a lot. It was caught on a lower-hanging branch and would not budge. The next 20 minutes was full of pushing, pulling, jumping, falling down, general frustration, and momentarily giving up several times. I thought to myself, "I have nothing but my body and pure, stubborn determination. I am going to get this thing cleared out of the front yard if it's the last thing I do."

Epiphany moment: that's the attitude I needed to have with the relationship.

While part of me stubbornly wanted to fix things, I was still aware that it was fruitless, broken and dead. , Unfortunately, you can't fix dead or put splinters back together.

Moving the massive branch required a lot of work and pain, but eventually, I got it loose and realized how big it really was. I almost quit again just looking at it. But then, there was this quiet little voice that said, "One piece at a time. One step at a time."  It wasn't remotely easy to do. The sharp splinters slashed my legs open. My sweat mixed with the scratches and stung, but I kept going. As I broke off smaller branches, the burden of the trunk became light enough that I could drag it.

When I got to the gate, I had to break off even more, narrowing the trunk down so it could fit through. In that moment, I found myself thinking about how nice it would be to have tools instead of just my bare hands. That voice popped up again, saying, "You have the tools to remove the dead relationship." Boom. I remembered Mary saying that when things get tough, dig in with your "kitty cat claws and don't let go." That's what I did. It was exhausting and painful, but I dragged the trunk up the slight hill and got it into the pile.

Mission accomplished.

I went back to the front yard to attack the bottom branch and realized it is still in tact. It bent from the weight of the dead piece, but did not break.

Voice: "You are that branch."

A few quotes came to mind right about then.
   1. A line from a P!nk song: "You're not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again." (Cheesy, I know.)
   2. John 15:2: "He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more."
   3. A message Autumn sent me about the situation: "I know you can live up to your calling and make Jesus proud of your strength, resilience, grace and life of honor and purpose. Stop living below your calling! You've got stuff to do that doesn't involve this silliness. Rise up, stand up and live for the one who gave everything for you."

The cuts will heal. The stinging will stop. Strength will replace the droopiness of exhaustion.

The living branch will still be there. With the dead weight pruned away, it will grow up toward the sun again. It will be fruitful.

Cementing this point, "Stronger" by Mandisa came on the radio as I started driving back home.

I'm getting back on track. This is going to make me stronger.

One Year Since The Revival Journey Began

It's hard to believe a whole year has passed since I walked through the doors of World Revival Church for Dustin Smith's live recording. I could believe six months, but not a year. Maybe it's because I've routinely been awake for two days straight that it doesn't seem possible, but this is reality.

I don't know that I can put it into words how much my life has changed over 365 days. If you put that version of me next to who I am today, I don't think you would even realize they were the same person. It's hard to even write about that person because she is so far removed from my life, I don't know who she was. She was an angry, emotional mess.

But now, I'm a different kind of emotional mess. There is a new softness, which actually bugged me at first. It's not a good trait for my day job, with all the death and destruction I see and write about on a daily basis. Now, I cry over stories. Number one on Heather's list of questions is who did you see? Now I look at people in a slightly different light. Don't take that as claim perfection, because I still struggle with being patient and compassionate with those who are rude, but I don't get so angry about customers and callers who need extra attention.

My coworkers will tell you I'm a heck of a lot nicer and easier to work with now. One new manager was told all about who I used to be when she started. Later, she informed me of the warnings she received and said she didn't see it. Progress.

God blessed me so much during this year. I got a new car, new apartment, more responsibility at work, and a great group of people around me. I've learned so much in school and in church. 

This year has been a challenge, especially the past few months, but God has given me the strength to hold on and surrounded me with people who fight for me when I need it. There aren't words to explain how thankful I am for the amazing friend who have spoken life and strength over me or enjoyed a night of laughter and shenanigans. I haven't felt like writing lately, since all of my energy has one into just surviving each day. But then there is this hope I don't think I've ever really had before. The situations of the past couple months are only temporary. My God is a good Father who wants nothing but good for his children. The enemy is on the prowl, but he will not win because God is greater.

 Who knows what the next year will bring, but I'm about to find out.