Legalism Or Life: Questions After Two Years Without Alcohol

Yesterday marked two years since my last drink. Woo! I was pretty entertained to hear that Isaiah Saldivar will be in town on almost the same day I heard him speak two years ago and made the decision that changed my life. I have a feeling it means there is another big step around the corner, but we shall see.

Recently, people have been asking me when I'm going to drink again and haven't been so ok that it's not in my plans. One of my coworkers went so far as to say he was going to slip me some hard orange soda sometime because I said I didn't want to try it. (Yes, I lectured him on how absolutely wrong that idea is.)

This guy also said I was being legalistic by saying no, but I disagree.

During the drinking days.

It's a concept we talked about in Covenant class last quarter: is the rule designed to be oppressive or is it there to bring life? In my case, it's the latter.

The example Pastor Aaron brought up in class is telling little kids that they can't play in the street. The action itself isn't evil. As adults, we know that's meant to keep the child alive and without injury. It's designed to be life, not legalistic.

In starting to write the book, I had to spend some time dredging through my past, and not all of it is pretty. The majority of the ugly, painful stories involved alcohol on some level. If I hadn't been drinking, I probably could've avoided some situations that I now regret. While drinking might not be the worst thing in the world, creating this boundary for myself is meant to keep me from getting hit by a car [insert: distraction] when I'm playing with something unsafe.

My coworker said I'm missing out and limiting my life by this rule. Again, I disagree.

Now.

Have I skipped things because of I don't drink, sure. (But, honestly, what part of being the only sober person at a bachelorette party on a fake holiday where "puke and rally" is the mantra sounds like fun. I love my friends, but I do not handle vomit well. Sorry. Plus, I was cleaning up after a destructive relationship and pictures in a bar would not have looked like I was back on the right path.) That situation isn't every time. I went out to the bars after my friend's wedding just to be with her. I didn't drink, but I still went and the groom spent a solid 30 minutes thanking me for the gesture.



To steal Pastor James' line, I'm "squeezing the day" and living life to the fullness, but I don't need booze to do it now. Honestly, I'm enjoying life more now than I was then, by a long shot. Plus, there is the bonus of being able to be used for God in new ways. Heather said in class this week that you can't have a deep level of compassion for a situation until you've lived it. Conquering a situation opens doors to reach into people's lives. Your victory gives you credibility with those who are still in the battle.

God gives us guidelines so we can interact with Him and others without doing damage, not to limit our fun. Like Pastor Aaron said, "If love is boundary-less, it's not love." I choose to love my relationship with God more than a liquid. I choose to love myself enough to submit to a rule, not out of legalistic desires to be a "good girl." but to protect my future. I've lost friends and missed parties. So what? I'd rather lose those things than be disqualified for my mission.

You Never Know What Will Change Your Life: Marking Two Years

The little things are often details we disregard as unimportant, but they really do have the power to completely change your life's direction. A feeling turns into a driver for an action, and next thing you know, your world is completely changed.

A feeling of loneliness sent me to download that dumb app, Tinder, a little over two years ago. Generally, it's a pretty terrible idea, but that's not how my story ended. That app led me to meeting a guy, which led to me going to a cd recording, which opened the door (literally) to returning to God. I was making baby steps back to where I belonged, but didn't have the slightest clue.

I glossed over it in my first "Redhead in Revival" post, but two years ago today, Dustin Smith was recording his "Coming Alive" album. It was on my calendar as three different events, one of them being as a concert involving the guy from Tinder (even though we had stopped pursuing anything more than friendship by then). [side note for clarity's sake: Dustin is not Tinder guy!]. I was meant to walk through the doors of World Revival Church that day and I am so glad I did. It's truly hard to put into words how much my life has changed since then. I'm not the same person I was six months ago, much less 24! 

God has been overwhelmingly good to me, especially lately. I can honestly say I've never been so happy in my life. There is more joy, strength, hope, freedom and stability around me than I know what to do with. He has provided for me at every turn, and I know He isn't going to change. Pastor James was preaching about winning Sunday, and that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I've moved, been blessed with vehicles, seen increase and opportunity at work, met new people, reconnected with old friends, learned new skills to serve at church, I'm sitting here typing this on a new laptop that doesn't have to be plugged in at all times and preparing for a brand new journey. What part of that doesn't scream winning and the faithfulness of God?

I'm not going to lie and say it's been the easiest thing I've ever done. If you've ever read any of my previous posts, you know that's not even remotely true. There has been heartbreak, loss, and struggle after struggle. While hugging Lydia Friday night after service, she said, "I'm really glad you stuck around. You've had every reason to give up and walk away, but you didn't quit." She is 100% correct. I could've walked away a dozen times over by now, but something in me couldn't let go. God isn't done with me yet. Despite everything, I can still look you in the eye and say that God is nothing but good and wants nothing but victory for His children. But think on this: can you really have victory without fighting through a battle? 

I could sit here and ask things like, what if I hadn't swiped right for that one guy, or what if I didn't go to that concert or question some other small step that led me to here, but that's not what I'm going to do. I'm thankful that it all happened, even the rough patches. I know God brought me here with a purpose, and if I skipped those opportunities, He would've opened another door to lead me into His plan. I can't wait to see what little decisions now will have an impact on where I am two years from now. All I know is, it's going to be even better then!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Blindsided (AKA: The Devil Is A Jerkfaced Toolbag Who Needs To Go Away)

To say last week was rough is the understatement of the century. There were a ton of small things that left me frustrated, but the two things left me barely hanging on. Considering what was happening at the church over the weekend, there is only one reason for it. The devil is trying to distract me so I'll lose my footing.

The first blindside attack happened on Thursday. I had just told someone in class that I was going to skip my (free) Cirque De Soleil tickets to go to the Dustin Smith concert. When I walked out of class, I heard a very familiar voice, squealing what at first sounded like my name (and later realized it was someone else's name.) Right out side of the school stood my ex boyfriend/best friend.... the one I haven't talked to in two months, and since letting go, my life started falling into place.

Seeing his face was like a punch in the gut.

I'm not going to lie and say I kept my cool. I most certainly did not.

With nowhere to go, I ended up all but running to my car. I sat there for about 10 minutes, unable to breathe and trying not to puke. I was mad no one warned me. I was mad he was back in town at all. I was freaking out that I wasn't ready to be anywhere near him, considering the pattern of the past year. I am finally in a good place, and boom, I'm struggling to stay on my feet again.

I texted my battle buddies who know the situation, and thank God for those women! They all basically said the same thing. I'm on the right path, so distractions, destruction and tests are going to pop up. Jacque and I have had several conversations about how we were both on a loop where we'd get close to where we are supposed to be, but we'd screw up and have to take another lap, but lately, we've been taking the exits to keep moving forward. This was one of the forks in the road where I could jump back on the crazy loop or take the exit toward the good life. It's something Heather reminded me of as well, saying "don't fall into old traps." That reminded me of Patty praying for me the week before, specifically breaking old patterns. Rhonda called me and reminded me that this is my home and domain, and as such, I have the authority in this atmosphere. Right then, I decided that his presence was not going to get in my way.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. I both wanted to do something hurtful and yet make sure he's ok. It's a complicated feeling, but I now have the strength to stay away, knowing he's not part of my journey now. I took the exit instead of staying on the destructive loop. I questioned everything and had to push past some major bitterness and walls. (More on that momentarily.) Throughout the Thursday concert and Friday sessions of the conference, I constantly turned it over to God and kept reminding myself of the joy in my life right now and that he was not going to steal it.

But then came the major blindside.

In the middle of night service, they announced that my dear friend Jill had passed away.

I was running camera toward the front of the church, so I tried to keep it together, but failed. Dozens of people stared at me while tears streamed down my face until someone came to take over the camera. I joined a group of women in the foyer, holding each other and crying. Jill meant so much to us. I cried all night at work. I still cry about it. It still doesn't seem real that Jill is gone.

I met Jill at the beginning of my first actual service at World Revival Church. She was sitting in front of me, turned around and said, "You're new!" She immediately added me on facebook and told me that she felt like I belonged here. She had no idea that I had applied for jobs in other states that very morning.

Those first few weeks and months, Jill sent me updates on when services were, offering rides and saving seats whenever I could go. She introduced me to people who are now very dear friends and made sure I felt welcome and connected.

Jill was an amazing source of encouragement through all the ups and downs over the past (almost) two years. She supported my journey through ministry school. She pushed me write more whenever there was a gap in blog posts and reminded ever so often that I should start on that book. She was there for me the day of the crazy fight to make sure I was ok on all levels. I told her I felt like I needed to get a passport and she nagged me about taking steps toward it for a year. I never told her I had finally filed for it, and it arrived the same day she left the earth.

After leaving the church Friday night, I heard a song on the radio I have only ever heard on the pre/post service playlist called "Wake" by Hillsong: Young & Free. Whenever it came on at church and I was around Jill, I'd always do some crazy weird dance and she would say something along the lines of, "you know I love you since I'm still standing here while you do that." I broke down in tears hearing it on the radio, knowing I'll never be able to dance with her again and decided to play it on my show in her memory. Then, Saturday night, we had an amazing worship service. [Minor story detour: There were about three people between me and my ex. During "Spirit Break Out" I really felt like God was saying to let the bitterness go. I was still pretty upset that he was there, and had to remind myself that I control the atmosphere. We've been pushing for unity of faith and spirit, so his being there couldn't get in the way of the goal. I fought my way through it, and prayed for him. He was here for the conference for a reason, and hopefully that means he is getting help and healing too. I can't hold on to a grudge and be healed, and neither can he. Kingdom has to come first, and there was such a weight lifted during that song.] The worship set ended with "Wake." I'd never heard it live in church before either, so it hit me right in the feels. I grabbed another friend of Jill's who was nearby and said that she was with us in spirit. Instead of just crazy dancing with Jill, I let go and went full blown worship rage dance. There was so much healing in that moment, jumping around to a song that I connect with Jill, surrounded by a dancing group who also loved her and were grieving her loss,

There is a line in that song that really hit me during that moment of moshing. The song says "You're in my heart forever," which is true of this situation and reminded me of conversations with several other people. In sharing about how we met Jill and who she was to us, a couple strong women in my life said that we need to step up and fill her role. Jill saw people, not just in the physical, but she saw potential. Once she noticed the future in someone, she didn't let go. She loved people and went out of her way to care for them. She had a true servant's heart. Now we all need to step up and fill the void she left.

Honestly, I'm still struggling with how little time I spent with her over the past few months. My withdrawal from the world kept me isolated from her, followed by diving back in head first and having very little free time kept us apart lately. She had facebook messaged the group that morning, but I was at work and never responded. That haunts me. Several people have individually told me not to let that voice of guilt take root. She loved me and knew that this season of being on the right path again involves a heavy load. Our last conversation was Easter Sunday after I fell asleep a couple times in service and decided to go home. She was on camera, so we had a quick hug and she told me to get some rest and we'd see each other later. I just never made that happen.

I have so many memories with Jill... from her surprise birthday party, to helping me move in a heat advisory, to Catch Phrase on Christmas, to being on media, to just chatting at a restaurant. She didn't just tolerate my weirdness, she enjoyed it. Even though she loved Ohio State and the Cardinals, while I'm a Michigan and Tigers girl (which we debated frequently), we could look past our differences and still get along (yes, that sounds crazy, but the UM/OSU rivalry runs deep, y'all.) If I had a bad day, she would sneak a pack of Oreos into my car/ my saved seat at church/ leave them outside my apartment, even though she often lectured me about my ridiculously unhealthy sugar addiction.

I still keep waiting for her to sneak up on me at church and smack or kick me in the butt. I keep waiting to hear a story that starts and ends with "God is so cool." I miss my friend dearly, but I know she is in a better place. Jill brought us together in the first place, and the group hadn't been together as much as in the past, but she is bringing us all together again. We will get through this together, no matter what distractions the devil throws at us. The last thing she would want for her friends is for them to be distracted by an attack from the devil, especially one involving her.

We love you, Jill.

A Message To The Ladies: It's Time To Arise

A couple people asked me to write down what Pastor Kathy had me share with the women last night for those who missed it. Considering how much my computer is acting up as I try to write this, someone else definitely needs it.

This all started with my inability to sleep, which is all too common anymore. I decided I'd read for a bit and just skip women's group to rest. I reached out and grabbed "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere, but didn't make it very far. On the first page of the second chapter, there is a quote:

"If ever there would come a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known." - Matthew Arnold, 19th century British poet & philosopher

I read that and immediately thought of how things are changing at WRC. After reading the chapter, I took a picture, sent it to Pastor Kathy, and thought I was going to sleep. Wrong. PK asked me to read it to the ladies and suddenly I was wide awake feeling just how important this is right now.

We are coming out of the Arise Women's Conference, which was pretty incredible and I wasn't even around for all of it! I remember sitting in the control room hearing our media master, David Belich, say, "There is something different about this conference. I'm not even involved in it. I'm just around and it feels different." I shared that comment with Heather Eschenbaum and she hit the nail on the head: the unity made it more powerful.

But this isn't just the women of World Revival Church getting on the same page. There were more than 500 women at this conference. Ladies came from around the country and around the world and joined together with the same goal of chasing after God together. That unity isn't staying in Kansas City. The women who came took it home with them, along with a fresh fire. Becky Tuttle mentioned something later in the meeting that had passed through my mind during the day. There is strength in numbers. There is protection in linking shields with others. (If you've ever seen the show "Vikings" on the History channel, you know what I'm talking about there.) Our shields are wrapping around the world.

While I was speaking to the group, I shared a bit of what's been going on with me lately. I really had no intention of it and I didn't explain the bunny trail that led me to it. While I was standing beside PK and in front of the women, another line from the chapter came to mind. Bevere writes,

"Here is some of what I know about Heaven's daughter. She is lovely, intelligent, and capable. Her life is connected rather than isolated. She is loved by God and hated by Satan. She is oppressed worldwide by both subtle and obvious means."

As I looked out at the faces in front of me, "Her life is connected rather than isolated" jumped into my mind.

That is exactly where I've been living for the past 4-5 months.

I made a mistake and people close to me weren't shy about expressing their unhappiness with me. The invitations to hang out dropped off. I felt unloved and unwanted, so I protected myself by building an island. I stopped trying to be around people. I even told a couple people, yeah, it can be lonely, but there is no drama and I can do whatever I want, so I like it. My isolation kept getting more pronounced. If I wasn't on camera, chances are I wasn't in service either. I fell right into where the enemy wanted.

The breaking point came the Tuesday before the Arise Conference. My best friend, (yes, that one that I wrote about cutting off not long ago.... I'm a sucker for those I care about) called me and said they didn't want me to contact them for the foreseeable future. I was crushed. After crying it out for a couple hours, I grabbed my Bible and read for a while. A peace washed over me that this would be a good thing for us both. No matter how much you love someone, there is a point where you can't help them anymore and you're only hurting yourself by trying. Taking some time apart would give us both time to grow and step into who God is calling us to be. I laid there in bed that Tuesday and said, "Ok, God.... That was my last connection. I'm completely on my own now, but I just read about being together with the body. If it's time for me to come out of this isolation period, make it obvious."

Ask and you shall receive.

The next day, I felt like I should stay for the women's group, which I hadn't done before. I ended up in a group with two women I kinda knew, but never really talked to as the whole group became "salt sisters," I really connected with Leilani and immediately after we were dismissed, she asked me to lunch in a few days. I didn't tell her (until now) that she was the first answer to my prayer. One by one, all these girl dates started popping into my schedule.

I know I'm not the only one who is struggling and finding it's easier to live in isolation. If you are reading this and it's you, the time of being alone is over. It's time to step back into the body and get ready for what is about to happen. Be intentional. Let go of the resentment, bitterness, anger and hurt and jump back into the joy. Yes, it is hard, but I'm working on it right there with you. I went to hug Jacque during the conference and she immediately told me, "There is no waiting period between messing up and coming back. You pick right back up where you left off." It hit me so hard that I wrote it in my journal the second I got back to my seat. That word isn't just for me. Someone else out there needs to jump back in the race and start running again. We can feel the revival bubble is about to burst over us in a whole new way. You have to be there to be a part of it. Women are going to play a big role in this next wave and we need strength in numbers. Lionesses live and hunt in packs, so it is time for us to start doing the same.

If you aren't isolating yourself, look around. Notice who is missing and encourage them to come and be a part of what's coming. Notice who is fading away and reach out to them. Simply asking someone how they are doing or inviting them to do something will help. This doesn't need to be within our own friend groups. Unity isn't a bunch of cliques that aren't fighting. We all need each other. That's why Pastor Kathy is having us get into tiny groups and connect. We need people in our lives that don't fit nicely into our comfort zones. We need everyone's strengths and perspective in order to see the whole picture and be successful.

Bevere writes that she thought her dream meant she was the lioness, but later realized it is all the women of God. We have to step up together.  Like Arnold said, we need to come together simply for the good of mankind. What better good is there for mankind than the hope and life we receive through Jesus?! We carry a power inside us that we can't fully understand, but it is a force the world has never known. Women have been labeled as catty and fought each other for pretty much forever. It's time to shut down that stigma and show what the power of God can really do around the world.

Now is the time to get ready. Bevere writes, "Even the lioness knows she must stretch before she attempts to pounce." That got me thinking about how we will have to step out of our comfort zones as this next move happens. I prayed for God to start stretching me to get me ready, and not three hours later I had a microphone in my hand. (Which is totally not where I see myself, so that was quite strange.) Be praying for the open doors and that we are all ready to walk through them and face what's on the other side.

Last year, Pastor Steve said, "The lion has roared" and the weight of it really struck a lot of people. Well, now it's time for the lioness to get up and join him to hunt down the enemy.

Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland