You Never Know What Will Change Your Life: Marking Two Years

The little things are often details we disregard as unimportant, but they really do have the power to completely change your life's direction. A feeling turns into a driver for an action, and next thing you know, your world is completely changed.

A feeling of loneliness sent me to download that dumb app, Tinder, a little over two years ago. Generally, it's a pretty terrible idea, but that's not how my story ended. That app led me to meeting a guy, which led to me going to a cd recording, which opened the door (literally) to returning to God. I was making baby steps back to where I belonged, but didn't have the slightest clue.

I glossed over it in my first "Redhead in Revival" post, but two years ago today, Dustin Smith was recording his "Coming Alive" album. It was on my calendar as three different events, one of them being as a concert involving the guy from Tinder (even though we had stopped pursuing anything more than friendship by then). [side note for clarity's sake: Dustin is not Tinder guy!]. I was meant to walk through the doors of World Revival Church that day and I am so glad I did. It's truly hard to put into words how much my life has changed since then. I'm not the same person I was six months ago, much less 24! 

God has been overwhelmingly good to me, especially lately. I can honestly say I've never been so happy in my life. There is more joy, strength, hope, freedom and stability around me than I know what to do with. He has provided for me at every turn, and I know He isn't going to change. Pastor James was preaching about winning Sunday, and that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I've moved, been blessed with vehicles, seen increase and opportunity at work, met new people, reconnected with old friends, learned new skills to serve at church, I'm sitting here typing this on a new laptop that doesn't have to be plugged in at all times and preparing for a brand new journey. What part of that doesn't scream winning and the faithfulness of God?

I'm not going to lie and say it's been the easiest thing I've ever done. If you've ever read any of my previous posts, you know that's not even remotely true. There has been heartbreak, loss, and struggle after struggle. While hugging Lydia Friday night after service, she said, "I'm really glad you stuck around. You've had every reason to give up and walk away, but you didn't quit." She is 100% correct. I could've walked away a dozen times over by now, but something in me couldn't let go. God isn't done with me yet. Despite everything, I can still look you in the eye and say that God is nothing but good and wants nothing but victory for His children. But think on this: can you really have victory without fighting through a battle? 

I could sit here and ask things like, what if I hadn't swiped right for that one guy, or what if I didn't go to that concert or question some other small step that led me to here, but that's not what I'm going to do. I'm thankful that it all happened, even the rough patches. I know God brought me here with a purpose, and if I skipped those opportunities, He would've opened another door to lead me into His plan. I can't wait to see what little decisions now will have an impact on where I am two years from now. All I know is, it's going to be even better then!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland

Restoration

I feel different today.

Something definitely shifted last night (yes it's after midnight, but it's still Sunday to me) at the Restore Conference, but it had been building up all throughout the day.

After a lengthy text battle, (and by lengthy, I mean I maxed out the characters for the first time EVER), losing trust in some people, and a rough morning at work, I was beyond frustrated and annoyed. The chef on the show brought alcohol for us, and I seriously considered day drinking with my co-workers instead of going to the conference's day session. There was talk of other shenanigans landing more on the side of debauchery than I should even be thinking about and ways to be a jerk. Somehow, I stuck to my guns and went to church.

By the time I got there, Pastor Steve had already started teaching, but it was hard to shake the morning and focus. A couple quotes stood out to me. "God does not abandon the wreck. He restores it," and, "Allegiance and obedience will spark the glory of God as disobedience leaves." The second goes along with what teachers and leaders were saying last quarter. It's time to step up. This first week of third quarter proved that there is no other option right now. There is already more homework and the classes are definitely going to stretch us.

Once the session was over, I chatted with one of the women of the church who is a solid friend and gives me kind of mom-like advice from time to time. We talked about some struggles and opportunities in our lives, and she gave me something to think about in dealing with the drama.

Saturday nights are normally the most powerful of a conference weekend, so I made sure I would be in the service and was close to the front. I could feel it was going to be a big night for me.

Pastor Kathy was preaching on "capturing the thief" and focused on three in particular. The first was the thief of hope because, "hope is what your faith is connected to." That's a topic that's been coming up a lot lately, so maybe it will become it's own post. After reading Proverbs 13:12, which says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life," then she started praying for people to get their hope back.

Her second thief hit me hard the second she said the words, thief of innocence. It got me because the woman I talked to earlier lead a small group studying Pastor Kathy's book, "Innocence Restored." I read it nearly a year ago, and after our chat, thought a moment about reading it again. Honestly, my notes are pretty dang sparse in that section, surprisingly. When Pastor Kathy called for people to come forward so she could pray for them, I stayed back for a moment. But the Holy Spirit nudged me with a slight threat, "go or she's coming to you." So I went, but I have no idea how to even begin to describe being in that group. Later, when Pastor Steve said that a surprising number of people he was going to have Pastor Kathy pray for came up in the second group, I couldn't help but giggle at how I tried to be stubborn for no good reason.

Just for the record, the third thief she preached on was the thief of time, because only God can restore years.

Prayer time sheet the sermon was also powerful. One of the songs the band played during that time says, "I will not let this moment pass me by. I throw myself into your arms of life. So speak your faithful word a thousand times. I come alive." That's how I felt. I am hanging onto this moment and fighting to get where I'm supposed to be. I'm not letting this powerful night just slip through my fingers.

Despite leaving church after 11:30 p.m. and having to be at work before the butt crack of dawn, I went to a bonfire witha few friends after service. Words can't really describe how nice it was to have a night with no drama, frustration or anger. Just a peaceful night, eating and laughing by a fire. It's been 24 hours and my hair still smells like smoke,  but I'm OK with it. It's a reminder of a great night with fantastic people.

That flowed over into today in a peace and joy I haven't felt in a long time. Even the music on the radio and on shuffle went along with the vibe of new beginnings and new happiness. The drama of the past month isn't weighing me down anymore. God is nothing but good, so I know everything will work out beautifully. I know storms will come, but for now, I'm enjoying the sunshine and the rainbow.