Getting Baptized The Second Time Around

It's a moment I still remember after about 20 years.

I was wearing a totally 90's frilly red dress that slightly resembled something a princess would wear, or so I thought. Despite my fever, I was in the tiny back room of the church, shivering and buried underneath all the coats we could find. I didn't become stubborn overnight, so it should come at no surprise that I refused to leave church sick.

It was baptism day and I wasn't going to miss it, not even for a fever. God is pretty cool in those moments and loves showing up. I remember Pastor Jack prayed for me while we stood in the water. He dunked me and I came out feeling so much better.

A lot can happen in 20 years, and it surely did in my life.

This past Sunday, I went back into a baptismal, this time in a different church, different state, and with a different heart. I've been asked about the why a few times, so here's the answer. It's been a long time in the making.

When I started going to World Revival Church, I got involved in the "Innocence Restored" book study within the first month. Rhonda, who was one of the leaders, told the story of her second baptism. I remember sitting in Dean'na's living room and thinking that maybe I should do that too. It's a thought that was always floating around my brain for nearly three years.

Getting that thought to become reality was a challenge. Every time a baptism came up, something kept me away. I watched the first one on streaming from work and reaffirmed in my mind that it was something I would do... eventually. It was just so amazing to watch.

If you haven't witnessed a WRC baptism, you are missing out. It's not a separate ceremony, but rather, baptism is a celebration incorporated into worship. The tub is set up to the left of the stage on the floor. While the congregation worships, the pastoral staff takes turns helping people into the water one at a time. When the person is lifted out of the water, there is an abundance of cheering, clapping, raised hands, and tears. The Spirit of God gets so thick in the room, and it's deeply moving to witness.

They announced the April 2nd date, but I didn't really think much of it. I knew I had plans the night before, plus there was an 11-hour overnight shift of work between dinner and church and another one immediately following service time. I figured I'd take a nap at work and avoid falling asleep on the drive home.

But at the event the night before, one of our school leaders talked to us about jumping off the cliff with God when He asks. She felt like some things she was supposed to do in life are not really options anymore because she responded to God too slowly. 

It didn't really hit me until I was driving home to change before work. Maybe this was one of those moments where I was responding slowly. After all, it's been nearly three years since I first thought of doing it here. The other thought that came up was Pastor Aaron telling me during a minor meltdown that he saw me as restored, even though most people are still dragging their feet about it. The action of getting baptized itself wasn't the only part that would show restoration. God told me that doing it with a certain person would bring about healing.

Before I even met Emily, I saw her as a little sister. We had some rough times, but we have been working through stuff together and growing closer together over the past few months of school. She has grown so much in that time, and I frequently catch myself watching her in awe of her heart and passion for God. While we are friends again, people don't seem to get that it's possible. We have both been amused by the weird looks that flit across faces when they see us together. The night before baptism, she even crawled up into my chair with me and we played on Snapchat for quite some time. So, when God said doing it with her would bring restoration, I believed Him.

There in my car, with about 10 hours until the service, I decided I was getting baptized again. Beyond that, I told God that when I came out of that water, the hurts of the past that I'd been carrying around were going to stay in that water. I mean, if He could use baptism to heal me of whatever sickness I was dealing with as a child, he most certainly could do this too.

I hadn't told anyone that I was going to do it, other than the church. Emily's face when she turned around and saw me in the matching shirt cemented that it was the right thing. She immediately hugged me. I was in line with my precious friends Emily, Kortney, and Issac for the baptism, with Rachel and Sarah acting as our towel girl and photographer. We were shaking, laughing and crying through the wait. 

Throughout the whole line of baptisms, the band played the song "Back to Life" which has about the most perfect lyrics for that moment.

"I, I’m coming back to life 

I’m feeling hope arise
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I, I’m leaving the rest behind
My heart is satisfied
Because of You, only You, Jesus
I lay down my weakness
I take on Your strength
I lay down my defenses
I step into Your victory
Resentment, depression & all anxieties
They have no power over me
Addictions, strongholds & every disease
They have no power over me."

When I came up out of the water, I felt so much lighter, it's ridiculous. I said "woah" and then realized I couldn't see anything for a minute, thanks to my contacts moving out of place. The presence of God was so sweet in that moment. The girls and I just stood dripping wet near the line hugging each other and watching the rest of the group get dunked. I saw a few confused people staring at us, but felt them getting the point that the time for judgement is past.

When all was said and done, more than 50 people were baptized that morning. You can see the video montage of it here.

The rest of that day was so wonderful. Even when customers tried to get snippy with me, I didn't care. The peace and joy of Jesus were so strong, and have carried along through the past week. It's really hard to put into words how incredibly life changing one seemingly simple moment can be.

Final Fall Quarter Quotes from World Revival

On this eve of Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for all of the gems dolled out at World Revival School of Ministry, in spite of being so wrapped up in school that I've had no time to write here. I'm also thankful for the goofy people in those classes who make them more entertaining and provide me with an endless supply of crazy quotes.

Ministry to Children

Pastor Mark Pederson (PMP): "A child left to himself will have to fight for himself in the spiritual realm."

PMP: "If Owen goes nuts, there'll be some carving. Don't know on what..."

PMP (on spanking): "Oh no! Christians with crowbars!"

PMP: "Don't let the challenges of revival living blow you out of it."

Esther: "My mom would be like, 'your brother has a bad attitude and it's all your fault' so she'd spank me instead of him."
Lee: "Well, that's what God did with Jesus."

PMP: "You can't serve and minister with a slave mentality."

Hunter D (on speeding): "In my defense, my wife got me into a conversation which got me driving a little aggressively. I didn't let off on the downhill."
Caila: "'That woman you gave me...'"
PMP: "You need a code of conduct!"
Hunter D: "I need cruise control!"

PMP: "You ever feel like 10 pounds of sin on a popsicle stick? I have too!"

PMP: "Mowing the lawn is rest for me. In my mind, I'm mowing over demons and chopping their heads off when they pop up."

PMP: "If Bob has a problem with Bill and Bob has a problem with Betty, Bob has the problem... and it might be the devil."



Israel: Tabernacle and Feasts (streaming from Canada, so instructor couldn't hear our comments)

Dylan: "I like feasts. I was a Baptist."

Lee: "I don't speak Canadian."

Pastor Brent Rudowski (PBR): "God was the first barbecue guy."

PBR: "You can't follow God any way you like. The hard way is the best way because you grow from it."

PBR: "The lesson there, God will give you what you want, but there is a price for it."

PBR: "The joy of life is in the pursuit."

PBR: "God is a very slow mover. I think He's getting old."

PBR: "Have you finished what you're doing right now? No? We'll then you don't need to know anything else right now."

PBR: "That was another rambling rabbit trail! *points finger gun at floor* Pshooo!"

PBR: "What's your value? 30 pieces of silver? Are you worth more than Jesus?"

PBR on Jesus: "He's not a nice looking white guy,"

PBR: "Not everyone wants to go through the Jesus gate."

PBR: "Every sparrow that falls to the ground, God knows. Every spider you step on, God knows!"

PBR: "So, the audio's good?"
Erica: "Don't know. You haven't been talking."

PBR: "Can you remember that for the test? No? We'll I don't want you to."

PBR: "God smelled the offering and said, 'I like that.'"
Hunter F: "Mmmm barbecue."

PBR: "We understand set apart. We just pick and choose what we set apart."

PBR: "Was it Joplin... Joplin, Missouri? [class: yes!] Yeah, Missouri. Or was it Kansas? Joplin, Kansas. [class: noooo!] You people in Kansas City are laughing at me."

PBR: "Sin, to the believer, in God's eyes, is only supposed to be accidental."

PBR: "I've found that some people don't know.... things."

Esther: "I cant lip read Canadian. I'm not sure where all the 'ehs' go."

Rev, Aaron Biro (RAB): "We're all coming in a bit turkey-comaed."

RAB: "A good way to start the new year is to get Satan messed up and confused."

RAB: "It looks like I counted to eight, but I guess I just forgot to count my thumb."

(Canadian speaker passes around picture of her son's Bar Mitzvah)
Jacque: "Here's a picture of my dad's Bar Mitzvah so we don't feel left out."

RAB: "When was the last time you got up and had a little happy dance with your Bible?"

Caila: "You were saying other mean things, but I deleted them from my mind to keep my innocence!"


Life of David

Ben Woodward: "Just because we've come a long way doesn't qualify us to say we've arrived."

BW: "Stop looking for a singular anointed man of God to come fix your problems for you."

BW: "David's life of devotion was the key to his success."

BW: "Why is God empowering creatives? Because they are the ones with vision."

BW: "We are the crowning glory of His creation, not His clowning gory."

BW: "Greatness does not mean a life of ease."

BW: "Hiddenness is a painful reality for a creative."

BW: "What if your creative gift was given to you to set the captives free."

BW: "Who were they believing? [long silence] Jeeeeeeeesuuuuuusssssss."

BW: "That will give you courage: when you're standing in front of a giant and your destiny is not yet fulfilled."

BW: "Do everything you can do until God opens the door."

BW: "Transition always begins with something ending and we have to be ok with that."

BW: " They might not be demonized but they can still be a thorn in your flesh because you know what you're called to do."

Pastor Kathy Gray (PKG): "The best way to shut the mouth of the enemy is to have a revival. Get something good going in your life."

PKG: "Sometimes, the biggest battle is to just keep standing."

PKG: "You can become an apostle for $500 a year."
Kevin: "That's it?!"

Heather Eschenbaum (HE): "What brought David's success? Obedience and his great Facebook page. Or posting on his snapchat. Every day. I don't know what that is but it sounds dangerous."

HE: "It's time to have some positive soul ties."

HE: "Real love will give you armor to fight with."

HE: "Treat offense like a spider on the leg. Spiders on the leg are bad, but jealousy is much, much worse."

PKG: "Please learn this before I start throwing water at you. I was tempted for a second but I don't want to ruin your Bibles."

HE: "Marriage amplifies your problems. If you are a rat..."
Kevin: "You are a big, fat rat!"
HE: "You are the fattest rat that ever was!"

HE: "Do not stalk in a creepy way. Stalk in a godly way, like Elisha."

HE: "Maybe, if you're a jealous person, you don't need to have a spear with you."

HE: "You just kick yourself in the butt, and hear my voice if need be."

HE: "I'm hip! I know what people are about these days! YouTube!"

HE: "You may hav a prophesy over you, but your life could get harder because of it."

HE: "The cave could be protection for you. Don't hate the cave. Possibly decorate it. You might be there a while."

HE: "I can't have dairy. I can't have gluten. I can't have sugar. I can't have fun."

HE: "Are we waiting on someone? Oh, that's the donut chair."

HE: "The Bible is not in everyone who reads it."


Genesis: A Study of Beginnings

Pastor Aaron Lage (PAL): "Anyone know what cosmology is?"
Esther: "I know what cosmetology is."
PAL: "This is not about painting your nails."

PAL: "Has anyone heard of gap theory? [class raises hands] What's gap theory?"
Erica: "I don't know. You asked if we'd heard of it."

PAL: "The Bible assumes God; it does not try to prove God."

PAL: "There are biological viruses that could wipe out humanity, why not a digital virus that could wipe out humanity?
Samuel: "I think there's a verse about that."

PAL: "The point of science is to change. The point of God's word is to not change."

PAL: "He's like, 'look in the sky. It marks a new season of my goodness' and we're like 'oooh! Bloodmoons!'"

Hunter F (while flapping arms): "You know, Imma need some pretty big wings to fly away."
Dylan: "I just have to jump."

PAL: "Hey, little spider. I would flick it, but I think some of you would run."

PAL: "In our attempt to be like God, we undermined how we are already created to be His image bearers."

PAL: "You need to be you, because when you do so and walk in the authority you've been given, you are the image of God on the earth."

PAL: "We were given authority over the birds of the sea."

PAL: "That's one of the benefits of the curse then: I get to eat steak!"

PAL: "When we talk about containers and filling, we're not talking about a really good pie."

PAL: "You and I don't even come along until day 6. We're the pie filling! I'm the cherry on top."

PAL: "Religion always kills when it's not getting what it wants."

PAL: "When you give in faith because you listened to God, you don't know the dividends it's going to pay."

PAL: " Good to know we're flying through Genesis. My goal is to get through chapter 11 because then I'll beat Pastor Tom."

Esther: "What if [Enoch] didn't disappear? What if he just exploded because he saw too much glory."

PAL: "I'm not going to say sarcasm is sinful or anything."

PAL: "No wonder [Pharisees] wanted to kill Him. Jesus was talking in sarcasm font. The words in red are sarcasm."

Caila: "Who names their kid Ham? I mean... It's cool. It's fine. Every time I read over it, like, 'you're such a ham.'"
PAL: "You know he preceded pork, right?"

PAL: "What if you stood before God completely silent and whatever He said, you did it?"

PAL: "It's kind of amazing what you can get ou of the Bible, even in the most awkward story."

PAL: "You ever chase down a vulture? They are big birds... and not the fluffy yellow one from Sesame Street."
(10 seconds later)
Hunter F: "Big Bird."
PAL: "Yeah, it was a joke."
Hunter F: "Ohhh."

PAL: "The enemy doesn't push his word; he comes in and twists God's."

PAL: "It's like when you hit your funny bone. It hurts but you laugh because it's your funny bone."
Hunter F: "I don't. I cry."
PAL: "So, for you, it's your not-so-funny bone."

PAL: "What if the only reason you get blessings are because you had the audacity to ask God for it?"

PAL: "What if the things God wants to say to you are so outlandish, you wouldn't believe it?"

PAL: "You know how when Heather's talking and she's making you laugh and then, it's like, ah! *stab motion* the sword of the Lord!"

PAL: "How many chances has God given you but you aren't willing to give others those same chances."

PAL: "God is not a journalist. *laughter* And everyone looks at Steph."

PAL: "Laughing at yourself undermines pride. If you can't laugh at yourself, you need to check your pride."

PAL: "And Ishmael is apparently a dramatic 17-year-old boy because he is going to die."

PAL: "I'm almost 30. Imagine a 130-year-old man trying to tie me up against my will and sacrifice me to the Lord."
Hunter F: "Ain't happenin'."
Dylan: "I like your posture."
Hunter F: "You're more Viking descent. You'd have to shrink yourself down a little."
PAL: "Ok. Maybe Isaac wasn't as tall as me."

PAL: "Isaac has to be a willing participant."
Hunter D: "Or he'd fall off the altar."
PAL: "Fire safety! Stop, drop and roll!"

PAL on covering a mic to cough: "Are you coughing from your heart."

PAL: "This is supposed to be a really dramatic part of the story and we're all laughing."

PAL: "So, I'm at the gym and this black guy walks up to me..."
Dylan: "Why's he gotta be black?"
PAL: "Because of what I'm about to tell you. He was like, 'are you Irish or just really white?'"

PAL: "We started this class talking about laughter and it really set the tone."

PAL: "Lot's wife doesn't get named, but Abraham's brother's concubine gets named. How terrible of a person are you?"

Erica on Wednesday after presidential election: "Hump day."
PAL: "Trump day."

PAL: "Hearing God's voice should make you hungry to hear more from Him and call on His name."

PAL: "That thing you're battling, what if you overcome it so your child won't have to face it."


Healing: Doctrine and History

Pastor JD King (PJK): History invite us to be both excited and offended."

PJK: "You can hate if you want, but I hope you don't."

PJK: "I'll give you the Macy's word and then I'll give you the Dollar Store word for it."

PJK: "I'm going to give myself 2-3 classes for this."
Erica (whispers): "More like 4-5..."
PJK: "Erica, I say that because I'm prophesying to myself."

Kris: "Are the quizzes pop quizzes?"
JDK: "No pop quizzes. I'm not a fan of pop. Blues, maybe."

JDK: "It's hard to heal a body when you say bodies don't matter."

JDK: "Humanity is made of and for the earth."

JDK: "When we defy God, we are inviting and allowing Satan to come in and do what he wants."

JDK: "It's not my burden to carry the weight of the world. Jesus already did that."

JDK: "A lot of healing prayer doesn't work because it's aimed the wrong direction."

JDK: "Healing is not a miracle. Miracles are extraordinary. Healing is not."

JDK: "You got something to say, Sam?"
Samuel: "It's good. I mean, I agree fully."
JDK: "I'm glad you agree with the Bible."

JDK: "We never build our theology on our experiences. We build our theology on what God said."

JDK: "If you don't cheat on your wife... she won't beat you up."

JDK: "The anointing is to do something."

JDK: "Did you guys read the handout."
Steph: "No."
JDK: "Well, I appreciate Steph's honesty. Most people just stare at you when the didn't."

JDK: "Obedience enables healing to transpire."

JDK: "Ok, let's get back on Jesus here, if we can."

JDK: "I'm expecting you guys to be super honest. You know back in the Bible, if they lied, they got struck dead."

JDK: "You've gotta decide if you're going to be powerful or not."

JDK [teaching about story in Acts 20:7-12 where man falls from roof and Paul raises him from the dead.]: "It's awesome on so many levels."
Steph: "Literally."

JDK: "Do a drive-by and shoot tracts out the window."
Dylan: "Have you ever done that?"
JDK: "No, Dylan, I have not done a drive-by."

JDK passing out quiz: "I know you;re auditing but have fun and do it anyways."

JDK: "If you're going to operate in [healing], you have to be ready to go to war."


Elements of Leading Worship

Sarah: "What's the name of this class?
Pastor Eric Thomason (PET): "You better know how to lead worship or you're dead."

PET: "True worship comes from a place in your heart that you can't explain to anyone else."

PET: "I can't follow a guy or girl who has their eyes closed all the time. Sooner or later, they are going to run into a wall."

PET: "Worship is a weapon."

PET: "You need to watch 'Braveheart.' It will make you a real mean girl. FREEEEDOOOOOM!"

PET: "If you want to be involved in worship in any way, you do not have the luxury of saying whatever you want."

PET: "If God places you somewhere, do it with all your heart because you never know what it will lead to."

PET: "Have you heard of the Jesus Movement."
Emily: "Is that like What Would Jesus Do?"

PET: "Is there any church like what you just described?"
Emily: "Yesssss...."
PET: "Where everyone is likeminded?"
Emily: "I retract my answer."
PET: "I know I said there are no wrong answers, but that was a wrong answer."

PET: "People's lives are not changed by listening to someone sing a pretty song."

Emily: "Just to clarify, you want this to be about Jesus?"
PET: "Yes, I want it to be about Jesus. In case you haven't heard, He's our Lord and Savior."
Emily: "Just covering my bases."

PET: "Do you know what a synonym is?"
Julianna: "Yes."
Josiah: "She just showed you up."
Sarah: "I know what a (mispronounced synonym) is."
PET: "I'm glad you know what cinnamon is."

Emily: "Can you roll back like five steps?"

PET: "You don't know what tap is inside you that is words that the church needs."

PET: "Pastor Mark is standing out there holding a giant inflatable football. I did not expect to see that coming out the door."

PET: "They had better be on it or they're gonna get a look from me."

PET: "God does not give His heart away for free."

PET: "You can never have too much coffee, for the record."
Josiah: "Until you're sitting on the toilet."

PET: "I had more to say."
Emily: "I have that problem all the time."

Josiah: "Like, when you're playing hide and seek and you can feel their warm breath."
Emily: "What kind of hide and seek were you playing as a child?"
Josiah: "Like in a closet!"
PET: "Maybe we don't want to know."

Emily: "Oooh! Oooh! You could put 'go to war.'"
PET points at 'kill' on the board: "Thanks, Braveheart."

Emily: "I'm going to sound stupid, but whatever."
PET: "You aren't going to sound stupid... unless it's stupid."

PET: "Well, what do you think it means."
Emily: "That's great. I love it when you do that."

PET: "For those o you on camera, I'm talking to Steph, who is staring at me from behind the camera. She is doing it sweetly, though."

PET: "....twirling, although men should never twirl."

PET: "Worship clears the clouded mind."

PET: "There is nothing worse than worship that sounds like a bad country song."

PET: "It is impossible to take people to a place of conflict if all you sing about is yourself."

PET: "Sermons alone cannot change the face of a church."

PET: "Are you giving her a hard time? Good. She needs it because she is Steph."

PET: "Why did I pick C?"
Emily: "Because it's easy."
PET: "Why is it easy?"
Emily: "Because it's all white keys."
PET: "Jesus, help me."

PAL: "I think you should write it like an acrostic."
Emily: "This is why you aren't teaching the class."

Sarah: "I'm not saying anything about who wrote the song or the content of the song or even if it's a good song. I'm just saying you can put words in songs."

PAL: "The girls didn't think that was funny."
Emily: "I wasn't paying attention. I was writing."
PAL: "Don't listen to the teacher. The notes are more important."

PAL: "Go be a whiner somewhere else."

Emily: "I'm not criticizing. It's just the highlight of my day."

Emily to PAL: "Ohhh, you're THAT old?"

Emily: "I'd cry."
PET: "Why would you?"
Emily: "Because I need help."

PET: "You will know what to do or I will pull your fingernails out."

PET: "You learned something! You're not stupid! That didn't sound very nice."
Emily: "Thaaaanks."

PET: "Without the presence of God, it's just singing songs."

PET on calling God 'daddy': "I don't climb in God's lap and cuddle! Heck no!"

PET: "Everything flows out of relationship."

PET: "If you are expecting everyone to bend over backwards to adapt to you, you are not a good leader."

You Never Know What Will Change Your Life: Marking Two Years

The little things are often details we disregard as unimportant, but they really do have the power to completely change your life's direction. A feeling turns into a driver for an action, and next thing you know, your world is completely changed.

A feeling of loneliness sent me to download that dumb app, Tinder, a little over two years ago. Generally, it's a pretty terrible idea, but that's not how my story ended. That app led me to meeting a guy, which led to me going to a cd recording, which opened the door (literally) to returning to God. I was making baby steps back to where I belonged, but didn't have the slightest clue.

I glossed over it in my first "Redhead in Revival" post, but two years ago today, Dustin Smith was recording his "Coming Alive" album. It was on my calendar as three different events, one of them being as a concert involving the guy from Tinder (even though we had stopped pursuing anything more than friendship by then). [side note for clarity's sake: Dustin is not Tinder guy!]. I was meant to walk through the doors of World Revival Church that day and I am so glad I did. It's truly hard to put into words how much my life has changed since then. I'm not the same person I was six months ago, much less 24! 

God has been overwhelmingly good to me, especially lately. I can honestly say I've never been so happy in my life. There is more joy, strength, hope, freedom and stability around me than I know what to do with. He has provided for me at every turn, and I know He isn't going to change. Pastor James was preaching about winning Sunday, and that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I've moved, been blessed with vehicles, seen increase and opportunity at work, met new people, reconnected with old friends, learned new skills to serve at church, I'm sitting here typing this on a new laptop that doesn't have to be plugged in at all times and preparing for a brand new journey. What part of that doesn't scream winning and the faithfulness of God?

I'm not going to lie and say it's been the easiest thing I've ever done. If you've ever read any of my previous posts, you know that's not even remotely true. There has been heartbreak, loss, and struggle after struggle. While hugging Lydia Friday night after service, she said, "I'm really glad you stuck around. You've had every reason to give up and walk away, but you didn't quit." She is 100% correct. I could've walked away a dozen times over by now, but something in me couldn't let go. God isn't done with me yet. Despite everything, I can still look you in the eye and say that God is nothing but good and wants nothing but victory for His children. But think on this: can you really have victory without fighting through a battle? 

I could sit here and ask things like, what if I hadn't swiped right for that one guy, or what if I didn't go to that concert or question some other small step that led me to here, but that's not what I'm going to do. I'm thankful that it all happened, even the rough patches. I know God brought me here with a purpose, and if I skipped those opportunities, He would've opened another door to lead me into His plan. I can't wait to see what little decisions now will have an impact on where I am two years from now. All I know is, it's going to be even better then!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Sticking With Sobriety After 18 Months Without Alcohol

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd ever write: Today marks 18 months of sobriety.

I never thought I'd write it because I never planned to drink alcohol in the first place. Once I got rolling on the river of booze during my senior year of college, I didn't expect to give it up. It was an easy way to deal with the stress and hurts that happened during my early 20's. (That's another strange thought... I'm not in my early 20's anymore! Eep!) I didn't realize I was self-medicating with alcohol until after I had cut it off.

I don't know if I'm more surprised at how fast this year and a half flew by or that I actually stuck with the decision to give up drinking.

There have been so many nights where all I wanted was a big bottle of Kraken or a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat so I could put the drama into a haze for a while and breathe. This year especially was filled with losses and such painful moments that had I picked up a bottle, it would not have ended well in the slightest. However, not all of the challenges were based on avoiding feelings. Several of my drinking buddies got married and had booze-a-plenty at the receptions, but I made it through sober. There were parties and concerts, but I opted for Dr. Pepper instead. I didn't even crack open the bottle of vodka a friend gave me or one left on my desk by a PR team. I stayed strong.

The questions that came up repeatedly were how and why didn't I give in.

Honestly, there were days when literally the only reason why I didn't was because of the contract I signed as part of the School of Ministry. That was it. I didn't want to break the rules. But then, during the summer and right now, I took some time off from school to rest. That means no more code of conduct, but I have still stayed sober. There is the obvious reason for that, which is I gave it up for God. In that moment at the Encounter Conference, I knew that He was calling me to give it up. I just assumed that the reason was because it's generally viewed as wrong in the Christian community.

Now, I see now that a bigger piece of that reason was to reach people. I've shared my story on stage to a streaming community around the world, through this blog, and in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I know my story has impacted at least two people to give up alcohol as well, and there is a third that I really hope will listen soon. The thought of impacting people's lives like that because I made one decision to follow a calling is a little overwhelming.

Plus, all that exposure keeps you honest. There is this voice in the back of my head reminding me that if I were to drink, I'd be just another hypocritical Christian. I try really hard to not add to that mess. I saw this quote meme online saying something along the lines of "God didn't give you the strength to stand up so you could run back to the thing that knocked you down." Standing strong is a battle, but one I can't afford to lose because I don't want to reflect badly on God and those who serve Him along with me.

The past 18 months have been a challenge, and I'm sure sticking with this in the months ahead will present themselves with similar problems, but it's a challenge I will overcome. I know where my strength comes from.

Restoration

I feel different today.

Something definitely shifted last night (yes it's after midnight, but it's still Sunday to me) at the Restore Conference, but it had been building up all throughout the day.

After a lengthy text battle, (and by lengthy, I mean I maxed out the characters for the first time EVER), losing trust in some people, and a rough morning at work, I was beyond frustrated and annoyed. The chef on the show brought alcohol for us, and I seriously considered day drinking with my co-workers instead of going to the conference's day session. There was talk of other shenanigans landing more on the side of debauchery than I should even be thinking about and ways to be a jerk. Somehow, I stuck to my guns and went to church.

By the time I got there, Pastor Steve had already started teaching, but it was hard to shake the morning and focus. A couple quotes stood out to me. "God does not abandon the wreck. He restores it," and, "Allegiance and obedience will spark the glory of God as disobedience leaves." The second goes along with what teachers and leaders were saying last quarter. It's time to step up. This first week of third quarter proved that there is no other option right now. There is already more homework and the classes are definitely going to stretch us.

Once the session was over, I chatted with one of the women of the church who is a solid friend and gives me kind of mom-like advice from time to time. We talked about some struggles and opportunities in our lives, and she gave me something to think about in dealing with the drama.

Saturday nights are normally the most powerful of a conference weekend, so I made sure I would be in the service and was close to the front. I could feel it was going to be a big night for me.

Pastor Kathy was preaching on "capturing the thief" and focused on three in particular. The first was the thief of hope because, "hope is what your faith is connected to." That's a topic that's been coming up a lot lately, so maybe it will become it's own post. After reading Proverbs 13:12, which says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life," then she started praying for people to get their hope back.

Her second thief hit me hard the second she said the words, thief of innocence. It got me because the woman I talked to earlier lead a small group studying Pastor Kathy's book, "Innocence Restored." I read it nearly a year ago, and after our chat, thought a moment about reading it again. Honestly, my notes are pretty dang sparse in that section, surprisingly. When Pastor Kathy called for people to come forward so she could pray for them, I stayed back for a moment. But the Holy Spirit nudged me with a slight threat, "go or she's coming to you." So I went, but I have no idea how to even begin to describe being in that group. Later, when Pastor Steve said that a surprising number of people he was going to have Pastor Kathy pray for came up in the second group, I couldn't help but giggle at how I tried to be stubborn for no good reason.

Just for the record, the third thief she preached on was the thief of time, because only God can restore years.

Prayer time sheet the sermon was also powerful. One of the songs the band played during that time says, "I will not let this moment pass me by. I throw myself into your arms of life. So speak your faithful word a thousand times. I come alive." That's how I felt. I am hanging onto this moment and fighting to get where I'm supposed to be. I'm not letting this powerful night just slip through my fingers.

Despite leaving church after 11:30 p.m. and having to be at work before the butt crack of dawn, I went to a bonfire witha few friends after service. Words can't really describe how nice it was to have a night with no drama, frustration or anger. Just a peaceful night, eating and laughing by a fire. It's been 24 hours and my hair still smells like smoke,  but I'm OK with it. It's a reminder of a great night with fantastic people.

That flowed over into today in a peace and joy I haven't felt in a long time. Even the music on the radio and on shuffle went along with the vibe of new beginnings and new happiness. The drama of the past month isn't weighing me down anymore. God is nothing but good, so I know everything will work out beautifully. I know storms will come, but for now, I'm enjoying the sunshine and the rainbow.