Remembering Grandma Eunice

It's been a little over two years, but here I am again: sitting in what was my grandparents' home, knowing one is no longer alive. This time, it's my dad's mother, Eunice, but a different situation.

She had been slowly slipping away for several years. Dementia and Alzheimer's disease are jerks like that. It's been at least six years since I had a real conversation with her. Even that visit to Michigan was pretty rough. After answering the same question about 20 times, I started having fun with it. I may have told her I lived on the moon and on the ocean floor, knowing she wouldn't remember the answer in 15 minutes.

Grandpa laughed, but we all knew how hard it was on him to see his wife deteriorating like that. At one point, I was sitting at the table with both of them and she shared something nonsensical. Grandpa sighed, shook his head, and softly said, "Such a shame to lose such a beautiful mind." The sadness in his voice in that moment was something I don't know that I'll ever forget.

The last time I saw her at all was three years ago. At the time, the doctors didn't think Grandpa was going to make it, so the nursing home brought her back to the house. By that point, she wasn't able to talk much. She mostly sat in silence, and frequently confused her yes and no answers. It was hard to see.

However, I did get to see Grandma and Grandpa hold hands and stare at each other. They were both struggling with their health, but their love was stronger. 

When I went into that trip, I knew going in that it would most likely be the last time I saw Grandpa alive, and it was. Part of me also knew it would be the last time I saw Grandma, if only to preserve the memory of who she was, not the disease that dragged her away.

Was it selfish of me? Probably. 

But let me tell you about the woman I remember, because a good chunk of her personality is reflected in who I am now. 

I grew up hearing that I was just like Eunice. The unfortunate thing is, I thought it was a bad thing for many years. That phrase generally came after I had been sassy, bossy, or stubborn. (You know, those traits parents don't want their child to develop until after they've moved out, but are really inevitable when your firstborn is a redhead.) It wasn't until I heard Grandpa sigh about what was slipping away that I realized, he meant it as a good thing.

Grandma also frequently told me I was just like her. I really wish I paid more attention to the stories of her younger years which she shared when I exhibited something she fully understood. Unfortunately, those things fell on deaf young ears. 

Before I left for college, she gave me a little decorative pillow that I still have today. The gold embroidery on the cream cover said, "I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas." A smile stretched across her face when she gave it to me, saying it described her too, but I needed it to warn my roommates of what they were dealing with. 

It really hit me in her final months just how tough she was. She fought her way out of the hospital after a seizure and a serious heart attack. When my mom told me that they didn't think she'd make it through the night, I didn't think it was real because I'd heard that so many times before. She amazed the doctors with her strength and how long she was able to fight the odds. 

Being compared to someone like that? Well, that's pretty high praise. 

In a world where women are constantly told who they are supposed to be, she didn't care about stifling her strength to meet other people's ideals. She was fierce and fabulous, and told me it was ok to be so too. There's no doubt Eunice was a handful, but people loved her for it and in spite of it. 

I never doubted Grandma's love for me. She proudly and repeatedly told me that I got my red hair from her mother. We spent countless hours doodling on and cutting up piles of poster board. She was far more fashionable than me, so there were the shopping trips where she spoiled me rotten in an effort to fix that flaw. I'll never forget the day she bought what I called my "Rockstar INXS" outfit: a one-shouldered black shirt with a giant silver clasp, and jeans with hot pink stitching and studs lining the legs. (Don't judge. I was obsessed with the show and she just wanted me to be happy.) She made sure my dorm room towels matched my bedding. She sent me $5 every week during college to make sure I ate on Sunday nights when the dining center was closed. She tried to teach me to play piano, even learning a ZOEgirl song she'd never heard because it was the one I picked.

Now, she gets to sing all those hymns straight to Jesus. If there was anything she loved more than her family, it was God.

I'm glad she's free from fighting just to stay with those she loved so dearly. Eunice Marie was a spunky, unique woman, and she will be greatly missed.

Challenge Accepted! Tell Me I Can't And I'll Show You I Can

Supervisor: "You know you're crazy, right?"
Me: "Yup."
Supervisor: "Like, insane. You know that right?"
Me: "Sure."

I'd like to say it was a one time conversation, but, alas, it's not an unusual thing to hear. It generally follows questions about when I sleep or what my schedule is like. The answers are rarely and jam packed. Working a full and part time job, going to ministry school full time, being invested in various side gigs, and staying connected in a revived church mean I don't have much time to myself. Somehow, that's viewed as unusual.

But, it really shouldn't surprise anyone. There is the stereotype that millennials are spoiled and have no work ethic, but the numbers don't fully support that theory. Yes, there are plenty of entitled brats out there, but this generation is also hustling more. There are several studies out there showing that millennials are expecting to work more hours, are willing to spend more time on the clock, and are actually putting that to practice both while they are in school and once they reach management positions. I've talked to so many people my age who aren't interested in pursuing relationships because they are focused on their career. Being successful seems to be one of the most important things to my generation.

Maybe I'm just not in the right circles, but I don't hear people questioning the lack of sleep and busy schedules of people working multiple jobs or college students working to keep food on the table while trying to stay ahead of tuition. It definitely didn't happen when I was earning my first two Bachelor's degrees or when I worked two jobs just to pay the bills.

The judgement started when I went back to school for ministry.

The resistance really is not about the schedule. It's a lack of value on the Kingdom's movement. Encouragement doesn't flow into something that isn't understood as worthwhile.

It's kind of amusing how different groups of people respond. My friends who live a revival life are generally supportive, telling me to stay focused and get rest whenever I can People who aren't a part of a church call me crazy and tell me to give something up. My neighbor went so far as to call the apartment office because she thought I was dead after not seeing me for a week. If I'm honest, I was avoiding her. She's a nice lady, but a bit nosy and bossy. She likes to lecture about doing too much and how I should leave WRC, and I just don't have time for that kind of negativity.

During one of the lectures, I started to walk away when she said something about Jesus would want me to rest. I turned around, looked her straight in the eye and said, "'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. [Philippians 4:13]' God wouldn't have opened these doors for me if He wasn't going to provide the ability to do it." Shocked, she said I might have a point and went back to her place.

I truly believe in that statement. Over the past year, I've been thinking about what lies ahead in my future and what I want to do with my life. I haven't been able to narrow it down to anything specific, other than making an impact. A few months back, God opened the door to starting small with coaching some 6th graders in volleyball. The door got a little bit bigger when I was asked to be a part of the Kids Ablaze team. Now, we are getting a glimpse of how widespread that could reach, and it is humbling and overwhelming to think about. God is beyond good and always faithful to fulfill His promises.

The Kingdom just takes a little work on our part.

Even when it seems like we are off the rails and beyond the reach of His plans, He can still work through us. Lisa Bevere posted on Facebook saying, "If  you think you've blown God's plan for your life, rest in this. You, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful." Did you hear that mic drop? Another quote from Bevere that's been on my mind a lot lately is "What if the reason you don't know what you're called to do is that you are called to do something no one has ever done before?"

My life is an example of both of those statements right now. Despite all the ways I've screwed up, I'm still where God wants me to be. He's going to use my story to show His character [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]. My journey through ministry school has been far from the usual, but the realization that graduating on time is still a possibility just blows me away. Seeing how a couple other things are lining up for a year from now gives me chills every time I get to think or talk about it. I can see the timeline, but God isn't showing me all the details just yet. A few people asked me what my next step is, and all I can say is this: I don't know what it will be, but I know it's amazing beyond anything I could dream up on my own. I'm not going to worry now because that is next year's problem. Really, it's not even a problem. I know God is writing my story in His perfect timing. I have nothing to worry about. I just have to work through the tasks He is giving me now and be ready to say yes when He asks. That door will swing open on its own at the right moment, and I couldn't be more excited.

This next year is going to be an intense challenge and I'm going to be quite tired from time to time. If you catch me in one of those moments, please, do not tell me to take a break or give up. Don't let differences in our roles and training turn into judgments or division because we are all part of the same, set apart body. Instead, remind me that what is waiting at the finish line will be worth it [Jeremiah 29:11]. Remind me of where my strength comes from [Isaiah 40:29-31]. Remind me of these lyrics: "Unstoppable God/ Let Your glory go on and on/ Impossible things/ In Your name they shall be done."

Some may see my plans for the next year as impossible. I see it as training and an equipping for the next step. Since high school, I've had the mentality of "tell me I can't and I'll show you I can." (I even wrote something along those lines on a ceiling tile in a K-State building.) This is not a philosophy I plan to give up any time soon, especially since my victories now reflect God's strength, goodness, faithfulness, and purpose on this earth. Through Him alone, I'm ready and excited to conquer whatever challenges are ahead.

Sweetness And Strength

You ever have those moments where God kinda smacks you in the face with a truth that should probably be obvious to you by that point?

Yeah, that just happened.

I guess this all started when I bought my new car in June (forgot to mention that in the life is good post yesterday.) I ended up talking a friend to the same guy to buy a car a couple days later. During the test drive, the subject of Oreos came up, and we actually stopped to find one of the new flavors I had mentioned, but they were out. The salesman mentioned a few times throughout the rest of our time that he was disappointed we couldn't find them. I had a pack in my desk at work, and felt like I should give them to him. I did, despite it feeling like the most awkward thing ever. He text me moments after I left saying I was sweet.

And, like a weirdo, it annoyed me.

He called me sweet a couple other times over text and I always tried to argue it.

Fast forward to last night: we were texting about something car related and he handled the issue. I felt like I needed to encourage him a bit, so I just did that I hoped everything was going well and he deserved good things. He responded, "You're such a sweetheart I can barely stand it." I was having none of that crap and said, "lol. Just don't cross me."

I know, smooth one, Red...

The conversation faded out and I moved on with life.

Then, in class today, we had visitors from Poland. It was Heather's class, so I should have known what was coming. She had us pray for them and speak into their lives.

In the group was a 15-year-old girl Heather accurately described as pure sugar. I immediately has some things come to mind, but stayed quiet for a while. As the guys were winding down, I silently prayed that if the words that came to mind were for her, then have Heather come grab me next. About 2 minutes later, here comes Heather, which almost made me laugh out loud.

I spoke the initial thoughts, but didn't say everything. Florence had a turn and Heather walked back over to the girl. I don't remember what Heather said, but I blurted out something I had held back.

"Your sweetness is a strength."

Heather had me repeat the phrase, and that's when I heard, "So is yours, if you'll let it." Woo! Despite it being 68° in the room, which would normally have me shivering, I was sweating.

Heather then had me pray for Florence and the main word was strength, so Heather told me to give her my strength, so I gripped Florence's hands and we pushed for a bit. Heather then said something along the lines of, giving your strength to someone else doesn't mean you get weaker; the Holy Spirit gives you more.

I started thinking about how I'm always fighting people thinking I'm nice because I was raised to be tougher than that. Seriously, I've gone out of my way to be a brat to people who think there is good in me, which makes zero sense, I know. I've never been one for feelings and junk, but there is a definite soft spot that's been growing in me the last few months. It's especially noticeable at work. Instead of being able to compartmentalize, writing about some things going on in the world have brought me to tears lately. It's rather annoying and I've fought it.

But in that moment, I realized that it's a good thing. It's evidence of what He's doing in and through me. It's an opportunity to reach people in ways I couldn't before. It's my eyes opening with compassion, and should be embraced.

I saw how other people treated this car salesman, and it was not ok. (Like, I had to grab a book or I was going to end up fighting one guy. It was ridiculous.) Instead of being happy that a kindness in me stood out to him, I wanted to blend in with the jerks of the crowd. It's really rather silly, now that I see it.

This battle between sweet and strong is pretty common for women, especially in the workplace as we trying to lead fiercely without being cold. These two traits aren't meant to be exclusive. Think on this: while bees can cause pain, they also create sweet honey. We value that honey. They've got it down.

Balance is out there.

Your sweetness is a strength. Embrace it.

7 Things I Learned From My Season of Solitude

I thought I posted this last week. Apparently not. I guess I'll leave this for now and come back to my new thoughts later...

Since my last post, several people have asked me if any good came out of my few months "in hiding," so to speak. The answer is a resounding, "yes!" Here are the seven keys that stand out the most.

1. Rest is actually an important thing. 

Those of you who know me personally probably just fell out of your chair or did a spit take. I've always been the girl constantly on the go, fully believing in sayings like, "sleep is for the weak" and "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Shortly before all the drama happened, several people expressed concern about my daily schedule. One of my friends went so far to say, "you aren't burning the candle at both ends. You threw the whole thing into the fire." Apparently working a full-time job, a part-time job, being a full-time college student and trying have a social life sounds like it's too much.  Meh. I survived, didn't I? Did I survive without being a moron? Not so much. One person told me that I tend to make dumb decisions when I'm sleepy, and she had a point. So, I used the time I'd normally be in class to get almost a normal amount of sleep, most of the time.

2. A different kind of independence.

As an oldest child, I'm pretty independent from the get-go, but I'm also pretty social. I never really thought of it as a crutch, but it is in a way. I hid behind my jam-packed calendar and used it as an excuse to get out of things. Making the decision to cut everyone off gave me more freedom. I didn't say no to things because I only had a couple hours to sleep and do things. I said no because I didn't want to. I stopped needing to see and talk to people all day and focused on what I wanted. Yes, that's a little selfish and yes, it was lonely, but there was a freedom in it. Not only was I sleeping almost normally for the first time in years, but I was reading for fun again. I started going back to the gym a little bit. The few people who were a part of my life during those months were there because I wanted them there. I had to learn to stand on my own and not live for what other people thought I should do.

3. ... but submitting to leadership is not as painful as it sounds.

When Heather first suggested one on one meetings, let's just say I was less than excited about the whole deal. In her words, I had a "junky attitude." She basically had to challenge me into it, knowing I do love disproving expectations. Even though I agreed to do it, doesn't mean I was all in for the process. I actually avoided it for a while. The holidays gave me a great opportunity to put this whole concept of letting someone all up in my business on the back burner. While I was ducking the process, I met someone who actually made me want to be better so I could be something good in their life. It opened my eyes to what I was hiding from.... the people who actually saw something good buried in me and wanted to bring it to the surface. I had to heal for the sake of everyone else my story could positively impact, and that meant listening to people who have experience getting past hurdles. As much as I fought it in the beginning, I can already see how much that guidance helped in just a couple months time. It's crazy to think how much change is possible in the months to come.

4. Consistency brings stability.

Roller coasters are fun because of the ups and downs. Despite Pastor Diana talking about stability I don't know how many times, I still felt like the ups and downs are what make life the adventure that it is. But that was an opinion formed from a life that had never really known stability. In setting goals and taking small steps to make them happen, things leveled out in a good way. Life still has its ups and downs, but life is better now. Taking care of myself and being consistent in doing so has leveled out the day to day life in a positive way. The journey doesn't end with leveling out myself. Now, I'm becoming someone other people can lean on instead of being the one leaning on others.

5. Perseverance.

This journey has not been easy to say the least, and it still isn't easy now. There are so many times I wanted to give up and vanish. I thought about moving. I thought about quitting media team or the church. One person argued with me about how they'd do anything to still be here, but then they walked in my shoes. Being in a place where people know your mistakes and hold it against you, whether they realize the judgement in their glares or not, sucks. As much as I wanted to leave, I knew I wasn't done here. I couldn't walk away knowing something big is around the corner. Mary's "kitty cat claws" had to come out and dig in, no matter how painful it was. I became as invisible as possible just to get through it all, knowing at some point, it would be worth it.

6. Hope.

For some odd reason, I really latched on to the word "hope" at the beginning of the year. Hebrews 6:19 says, "Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast." This has really come alive in my life. The more I fought to hang on, the more I had to question why I was doing it. My boss asked me one day, "What is the point? It doesn't seem like it's working for you." At the time, I didn't have an answer other than, "because it's what I know I need to do." Later in the day, I remembered a line out of Lisa Bevere's book "Girl's With Swords" that basically says the enemy isn't attacking who you are now, but who you could be in the future. That made me look ahead. I had to have a hope that there is something better ahead. The church's theme for the year is "begin again" and I latched on to the hope in those two simple words. The radio even cemented that stirring of hope in me with songs like: "Grace Wins," "It's Not Over Yet,"and "Trust in You." I had to think differently. I had to hope that the good was coming, and when it showed up, it nearly knocked me over. Without faith that God is good and He will back up His people, I wouldn't have made it through this season.

7. It's only a season, and seasons come to an end.

It's so easy to get sucked into the pity party of "why me" and "things aren't going to change" but seasons always come to and end, allowing a new one to begin. Because of all the things I had been learning, I was ready for the clouds to break. I was broken and surrendered, which is the perfect place for God to start moving in and through you. I could've turned to any number of things to get over the hurt and sadness, but I turned to where my strength actually comes from. Now, I'm back in the School of Ministry and doors are opening that I didn't think would ever so much as crack. I was telling my dad about everything and described this new season as terrifyingly peaceful. Life is truly good now, but I can feel that something v even better is on the way.

Looking back, my friend Jacque was right. She told me it's easier to work on your character workout the crowd. It took a problem in public to get me to that point on both levels, but I'm walking it out. This journey isn't over. Yeah, people still keep their distance and blame me for the problems others are dealing with, but oh well. I know I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. Those whose opinions matter know I'm trying. That's what matters. I'm not doing this for the crowd. I'm doing it because it's right and phrases God. Everything and everyone else will fall into place on its own.

A Message To The Ladies: It's Time To Arise

A couple people asked me to write down what Pastor Kathy had me share with the women last night for those who missed it. Considering how much my computer is acting up as I try to write this, someone else definitely needs it.

This all started with my inability to sleep, which is all too common anymore. I decided I'd read for a bit and just skip women's group to rest. I reached out and grabbed "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere, but didn't make it very far. On the first page of the second chapter, there is a quote:

"If ever there would come a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known." - Matthew Arnold, 19th century British poet & philosopher

I read that and immediately thought of how things are changing at WRC. After reading the chapter, I took a picture, sent it to Pastor Kathy, and thought I was going to sleep. Wrong. PK asked me to read it to the ladies and suddenly I was wide awake feeling just how important this is right now.

We are coming out of the Arise Women's Conference, which was pretty incredible and I wasn't even around for all of it! I remember sitting in the control room hearing our media master, David Belich, say, "There is something different about this conference. I'm not even involved in it. I'm just around and it feels different." I shared that comment with Heather Eschenbaum and she hit the nail on the head: the unity made it more powerful.

But this isn't just the women of World Revival Church getting on the same page. There were more than 500 women at this conference. Ladies came from around the country and around the world and joined together with the same goal of chasing after God together. That unity isn't staying in Kansas City. The women who came took it home with them, along with a fresh fire. Becky Tuttle mentioned something later in the meeting that had passed through my mind during the day. There is strength in numbers. There is protection in linking shields with others. (If you've ever seen the show "Vikings" on the History channel, you know what I'm talking about there.) Our shields are wrapping around the world.

While I was speaking to the group, I shared a bit of what's been going on with me lately. I really had no intention of it and I didn't explain the bunny trail that led me to it. While I was standing beside PK and in front of the women, another line from the chapter came to mind. Bevere writes,

"Here is some of what I know about Heaven's daughter. She is lovely, intelligent, and capable. Her life is connected rather than isolated. She is loved by God and hated by Satan. She is oppressed worldwide by both subtle and obvious means."

As I looked out at the faces in front of me, "Her life is connected rather than isolated" jumped into my mind.

That is exactly where I've been living for the past 4-5 months.

I made a mistake and people close to me weren't shy about expressing their unhappiness with me. The invitations to hang out dropped off. I felt unloved and unwanted, so I protected myself by building an island. I stopped trying to be around people. I even told a couple people, yeah, it can be lonely, but there is no drama and I can do whatever I want, so I like it. My isolation kept getting more pronounced. If I wasn't on camera, chances are I wasn't in service either. I fell right into where the enemy wanted.

The breaking point came the Tuesday before the Arise Conference. My best friend, (yes, that one that I wrote about cutting off not long ago.... I'm a sucker for those I care about) called me and said they didn't want me to contact them for the foreseeable future. I was crushed. After crying it out for a couple hours, I grabbed my Bible and read for a while. A peace washed over me that this would be a good thing for us both. No matter how much you love someone, there is a point where you can't help them anymore and you're only hurting yourself by trying. Taking some time apart would give us both time to grow and step into who God is calling us to be. I laid there in bed that Tuesday and said, "Ok, God.... That was my last connection. I'm completely on my own now, but I just read about being together with the body. If it's time for me to come out of this isolation period, make it obvious."

Ask and you shall receive.

The next day, I felt like I should stay for the women's group, which I hadn't done before. I ended up in a group with two women I kinda knew, but never really talked to as the whole group became "salt sisters," I really connected with Leilani and immediately after we were dismissed, she asked me to lunch in a few days. I didn't tell her (until now) that she was the first answer to my prayer. One by one, all these girl dates started popping into my schedule.

I know I'm not the only one who is struggling and finding it's easier to live in isolation. If you are reading this and it's you, the time of being alone is over. It's time to step back into the body and get ready for what is about to happen. Be intentional. Let go of the resentment, bitterness, anger and hurt and jump back into the joy. Yes, it is hard, but I'm working on it right there with you. I went to hug Jacque during the conference and she immediately told me, "There is no waiting period between messing up and coming back. You pick right back up where you left off." It hit me so hard that I wrote it in my journal the second I got back to my seat. That word isn't just for me. Someone else out there needs to jump back in the race and start running again. We can feel the revival bubble is about to burst over us in a whole new way. You have to be there to be a part of it. Women are going to play a big role in this next wave and we need strength in numbers. Lionesses live and hunt in packs, so it is time for us to start doing the same.

If you aren't isolating yourself, look around. Notice who is missing and encourage them to come and be a part of what's coming. Notice who is fading away and reach out to them. Simply asking someone how they are doing or inviting them to do something will help. This doesn't need to be within our own friend groups. Unity isn't a bunch of cliques that aren't fighting. We all need each other. That's why Pastor Kathy is having us get into tiny groups and connect. We need people in our lives that don't fit nicely into our comfort zones. We need everyone's strengths and perspective in order to see the whole picture and be successful.

Bevere writes that she thought her dream meant she was the lioness, but later realized it is all the women of God. We have to step up together.  Like Arnold said, we need to come together simply for the good of mankind. What better good is there for mankind than the hope and life we receive through Jesus?! We carry a power inside us that we can't fully understand, but it is a force the world has never known. Women have been labeled as catty and fought each other for pretty much forever. It's time to shut down that stigma and show what the power of God can really do around the world.

Now is the time to get ready. Bevere writes, "Even the lioness knows she must stretch before she attempts to pounce." That got me thinking about how we will have to step out of our comfort zones as this next move happens. I prayed for God to start stretching me to get me ready, and not three hours later I had a microphone in my hand. (Which is totally not where I see myself, so that was quite strange.) Be praying for the open doors and that we are all ready to walk through them and face what's on the other side.

Last year, Pastor Steve said, "The lion has roared" and the weight of it really struck a lot of people. Well, now it's time for the lioness to get up and join him to hunt down the enemy.

Removing branches of fruitless relationships from life, no matter how painful and challenging

I haven't felt like I've had anything worthwhile to say lately. It's just one of the fruits that shriveled up over this summer. The seasons are changing in so many ways, and I simply must share. Trust me, this all weaves together.

About a month ago, I went back to where I grew up for a wedding. My date and I planned to camp out in the backyard of the now vacant home I once lived in. Since it's been empty for more than a year, there were plants blocking the stairs to the deck and we didn't feel like risking poison ivy in the dark.

Instead, we sat and enjoyed the clear view of the stars and start of the Perseid meteor shower for a while, then got a hotel in town. It turned out to be a good thing because a pretty strong storm rolled through that night.

I didn't realize how lucky we were until yesterday, when I stopped by and saw branches down all over the place. The biggest one would have landed on my car had we stayed.

I blew it off as "nothing I can do now" and carried on with the evening's plans.

Those plans happened to be the most tame bachelorette party ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

The week before was incredibly difficult. I was coming off a profoundly painful end to a cherished relationship, but I was bound and determined to not be a Debbie downer at this party.

The bride and I have known each other about 17 years now. We grew up about a mile apart, which was the one end of our tiny town to the other and went to college together, also pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Camping on her family's ranch was a no-brainer for the party.

Several times throughout the night, I'd glance up at the sky. It was a crystal clear night, so we could see the Milky Way, some meteors bringing up the rear of the Perseid shower, and thousands of stars. It was astoundingly beautiful. When I was a kid and had something on my mind, I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. I'd sit on the front porch, stare at Orion and send my stress to the stars. I felt like this party was the same thing. Not only was I sending all the stress and hurt to the sky, it was flying away with meteors as I made wishes for this new chapter of life. It was so therapeutic and relaxing, I was able to double my sleep for the week in just one night.

This morning, I wanted to stall in town to visit the pizza shop, so I decided I'd earn some brownie points with the parents and try to clear up some of the branches. I definitely did not think this job through, but God sent me there for another reason.

The broken, dead branch was about 10-12 feet long, and about a foot in diameter at the base. Needless to say, it weighed a lot. It was caught on a lower-hanging branch and would not budge. The next 20 minutes was full of pushing, pulling, jumping, falling down, general frustration, and momentarily giving up several times. I thought to myself, "I have nothing but my body and pure, stubborn determination. I am going to get this thing cleared out of the front yard if it's the last thing I do."

Epiphany moment: that's the attitude I needed to have with the relationship.

While part of me stubbornly wanted to fix things, I was still aware that it was fruitless, broken and dead. , Unfortunately, you can't fix dead or put splinters back together.

Moving the massive branch required a lot of work and pain, but eventually, I got it loose and realized how big it really was. I almost quit again just looking at it. But then, there was this quiet little voice that said, "One piece at a time. One step at a time."  It wasn't remotely easy to do. The sharp splinters slashed my legs open. My sweat mixed with the scratches and stung, but I kept going. As I broke off smaller branches, the burden of the trunk became light enough that I could drag it.

When I got to the gate, I had to break off even more, narrowing the trunk down so it could fit through. In that moment, I found myself thinking about how nice it would be to have tools instead of just my bare hands. That voice popped up again, saying, "You have the tools to remove the dead relationship." Boom. I remembered Mary saying that when things get tough, dig in with your "kitty cat claws and don't let go." That's what I did. It was exhausting and painful, but I dragged the trunk up the slight hill and got it into the pile.

Mission accomplished.

I went back to the front yard to attack the bottom branch and realized it is still in tact. It bent from the weight of the dead piece, but did not break.

Voice: "You are that branch."

A few quotes came to mind right about then.
   1. A line from a P!nk song: "You're not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again." (Cheesy, I know.)
   2. John 15:2: "He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more."
   3. A message Autumn sent me about the situation: "I know you can live up to your calling and make Jesus proud of your strength, resilience, grace and life of honor and purpose. Stop living below your calling! You've got stuff to do that doesn't involve this silliness. Rise up, stand up and live for the one who gave everything for you."

The cuts will heal. The stinging will stop. Strength will replace the droopiness of exhaustion.

The living branch will still be there. With the dead weight pruned away, it will grow up toward the sun again. It will be fruitful.

Cementing this point, "Stronger" by Mandisa came on the radio as I started driving back home.

I'm getting back on track. This is going to make me stronger.