Pick Up Your Swords And Prepare For Battle

Sometimes a before and after picture does more than remind you of your past. It highlights a piece of your future.

This weekend was the Arise women's conference at World Revival Church, and it was probably my favorite one yet. All of the speakers were on point with their messages, and Julianna Zobrist was a straight up blast. (Random dance party FTW!) I could go on and on about the wonderful weekend, but one thing hit me pretty hard, and it's kinda silly.

The Arise conference includes a photo booth, complete with goofy props and sparkly hats. After lunch, a couple ladies I just met and ate with asked me to join them for a shot. I grabbed my props, and while I was waiting on them to decide, I got a solo shot holding two swords.

But then, someone mentioned a meaning I hadn't realized.

The picture on the left is from 2015 and the one on the right is this year.

In 2015, I was in my second quarter at WRSM. As time would soon tell, I was pretty weak. I had a sword but didn't understand what that meant or how to use it. That's why there isn't a 2016 sword picture. I laid down my weapon and walked away from it for a while. I didn't realize what power I had access to at the time, and it is saddening to think about where I'd be now if I had avoided distraction instead of falling victim to it.

Thankfully, that's not where the story ends.

Now, I have a sword in each hand, not just plastic ones. As graduation approaches, I am more equipped spiritually and have a little better idea how to use it. Especially this quarter, I feel like new weapons are being placed in my hands, and let me tell you, it's nothing I ever expected of myself. My teachers are pushing us to really dig in and start figuring out how God wants to use us. They have been pushing us to sing, speak, write, and prophesy, which is all completely terrifying to me. I'm content serving behind the cameras, so having to preach in front of one is scary. But as much as I wanted to skip class and try to get out of the assignment, I did it, and then saw the words I spoke come to life not even 12 hours later. Little things like that are giving me the confidence boost that I think is visible in the second picture.

I'm not the only one being equipped and trained right now. I see so many women stepping up right now and I love it. A group of us started a book club, and our first selection talked about other people's success not taking away from ours, but rather raising the level of the whole squad. The old me would've been jealous seeing others be used in new ways, but now I see it as a blessing for all of us. After discussing the book, a few of us stuck around to talk more, and it turned into an amazing, encouraging time of prayer and prophetic words over each other. When Rachelle first turned to me and asked me to speak over her, I won't lie, my first thought was to distract and run. I kid you not, the sign over her shoulder inside the coffee shop said "I think you should go for it," so I did and it was a cool moment and kept the flow going for a while.

If there is anything that I've learned lately, it's that the voices telling me I can't do something are my biggest problem. I second guess myself and talk myself out of so much, it's silly. Not long ago, I felt like I should fill the gas can in my car and have my coworker put it in his car. I talked myself out of it, thinking he would say no to any help, like he normally does. What happened? He ran out of gas not half a mile away from the store. That moment really opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not without the ability, I'm without the willingness to take a risk and that needs to change. So I'm working on getting out of my comfort zone and listening to the Holy Spirit better. Who knows how many opportunities I missed in the past, but I can't afford to continue down that path. The world can't afford it.

As I write this, I was listening to "Strike the Ground" from Azusa Now on YouTube, but it switched clips to one by Rick Pino. I just heard the words, "I'm telling you the earth is about to experience a generation of people who know who they are because they know who their God is, and our God is Yahweh. And he is the Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle." I was already planning to take this post in the direction of warfare, but that just cemented it (especially considering the song is "You're an Army" and I was going to use a line from that song as the caption on the new sword picture. God is really cool about confirming things!!)

One of the prayer warriors Sunday morning even spoke over me "You're God's warrior girl" and I feel like that is more true now than ever before in my life.

War is on our doorstep, so it's time for the army to rise and prepare. For the sake of backing that should up (Thanks Julianna Zobrist!), here's your scripture. Ephesians 6:10-13 says, "A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm."

Pick up your swords and learn how to use them now. You are about to need every spiritual weapon you have.

"Oh the weapons of our warfare, they are mighty through our God."

Paying Attention To The Lyrics

The struggle of writing on the go: forgetting to post. 

You know what happens when you go to three musical in five days while taking a couple worship classes? You start paying more attention to lyrics.

Granted, the first musical performance of the week was the opera… Hansel and Gretel sang in German, to be exact. Listening to music in a foreign language that you haven’t studied in five years forces you to pay more attention. There was a little screen in front of each person with a gist of what the actors were singing, but judging from the random pockets of laughter that burst out from a handful of people, you were missing something by not knowing the language. I was able to enjoy some of those moments with my college German knowledge, but the 12-year-old who went with me was lost. I didn’t really think much of it at that time, but it was the first block for the week.

Three days later, it became #throwbacktuesday. Two bands I listened to from middle school through my early college years put out new albums and went on the “Looking For America Tour” together. I was pretty excited to see Relient K again and Switchfoot for the first time, despite the fact that my friends got seats in the balcony and I was heading to the cramped and sweaty general admission floor on my own. (I did run into a friend in the line who was also going to be alone on the floor, so it worked out.)

Not going to lie, I was more excited for Relient K than Switchfoot. I like Switchfoot’s new single, “Live It Well” but I was never super into their music before. On the other hand, I listened to Relient K all the time in high school. I saw them once on Warped Tour almost a decade ago and it’s still something I remember vividly.

But this time was different. Why? Because I’m different.

They only did a handful of songs from the olden days, but I wasn’t bouncing around like the tightly-wound spring aimed straight for the front edge of the pit that I generally turn into once I set foot on a concert floor. Instead, I was l hanging in the back thinking about the words. The goofy songs weren’t doing it this time. Instead it was lines like, “Now I’m sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light,” and, ”This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption/ because I know to live you must give your life away.” Just think on that for a second.

In between sets, I slipped into a crowd snaking their way to the front and ended up in a pretty good spot. I’m not sure what I was expecting, since I knew next to nothing of the new cd and they have 10 albums so it’s not like the chances were great that they were going to play the random assortment of songs I liked. But going into it pretty blind allowed me to pay more attention to what they were singing out of that roboticness that comes out of familiar music. Don’t even lie, you know the lyrics lose their meaning as you hear a song over and over until you can belt them out without so much as a thought about them.

John Foreman also spent some time talking about how their bus broke down and they almost didn’t make it to the show. He called being on that stage one of the most beautiful moments of his life because a miracle happened to get them there on time. They performed an acoustic song not on their set list because it described the moment. It’s called “Hey Hurricane” and says “Hello hurricane/ You're not enough/ Hello hurricane/ You can't silence my love/ I've got doors and windows/ Boarded up/ All your dead end fury is/ Not enough/ You can't silence my love, my love.” That song was such a great reminder of where my strength and hope is, and that nothing can cut me off from that.

John talked about a sing inspired by evacuating with his family and only what fit in the car and how that moment triggered the realization of what matters.

So many lines left a mark on me that night…. “Love alone is worth the fight.” “Your hope is the anthem of my soul.” “Maybe redemption has stories to tell/ maybe forgiveness is right where you fell/ Where can you run to escape from yourself?” and “We sing these broken prayers where the light shines through/ The wound is where the light shines through.”

I realized, I was hearing the heart behind the lyrics. My friend, Dean’na, says that all the time when she doesn’t want to misunderstood: “Hear my heart.” It became more than just words that pour out of your mouth when you hear the melody. It was someone’s life, experiences, and heart.

That made it a powerful moment that I gushed about in worship class the next day.

But the next day was also the final leg on my crazy week. This time, it was Chance the Rapper with a girl I’d only met once before. I only knew songs from his latest album, “Coloring Book,” which has some really great God lyrics mixed in with profanity. Again, not sure what I was expecting from a mainstream rap concert, but it sure wasn’t people smoking weed on the floor. You could see the lighters glowing in the middle of circles, followed by puffs of smoke drifting toward the ceiling. I’m insanely grateful that I got balcony seats instead of going down the general admission.

Because the majority of people were inebriated in some way, I don’t think they were able to absorb the weight of what Chance was doing.

Early on, he performed a song called “Blessings.” It’s one of my favorites from him as it is. The screens around the stage featured a graphic that made it look like there were rock walls. The second verse ends with Chance rapping, “I'm feeling shortness of breath, so Nico grab you a horn/ Hit Jericho with a buzzer beater to end a quarter/ Watch brick and mortar fall like dripping water, ugh!” At that moment, there was a rumble and the rock wall graphic crumbled and fell. It was incredible. My jaw dropped all the way through the balcony to the floor. I looked around and it was like no one had even noticed the spiritual undertone and meaning. During another song, a puppet choir was singing “How great is our God” while Chance faced away from the crowd and put his hands in the air. Once again, no one noticed the moment.

Throughout the show, a Jack in the Box kept telling Chance, “don’t forget your message, big fella.” Finally, at the end of the show, Chance said he couldn’t let people leave without letting them know what his message was. “Did you know, that your blessing, is not on an album? Did you know, that your blessing, is not at a show? Did you know, that your blessing, is not a piece of flesh? Are you ready for your blessing?”

It really made me sad to see how many people missed out on those moments, but at least, maybe, a seed was planted through those lyrics and the heart behind them. That’s a thought that weighs heavily on my heart as we write psalms and songs this quarter at World Revival School of Ministry. I guess we will see what happens.

Birthdays, Camping Trips, and Celebrations: Living the Good Life Without Fear

What should I be doing right now? Writing my final paper for Pastor Aaron’s class.

But that’s not what I’m doing, is it?

Nope.

I can’t focus.

Why?

Because I’m about to explode with happiness.

I haven’t been writing lately, one, because I’m crazy busy with school/work/Kids Ablaze, and two, because life is so freaking good. I don’t want people taking it the wrong way or trying to drag me down off my cloud.

But, today, I just don’t care anymore. Life is so sweet.

Maybe it’s the nostalgia because of my birthday kicking in and making me think about where I was a year ago. I mean, even the difference from six months ago is still pretty stark. On top of those thoughts, this week-ish just had to go and kick all kinds of tail.

I got to see a couple of my favorite musicians from high school with my high school best friend, who is also celebrating her birthday this week. Panic! At the Disco and Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness did not disappoint, plus there was Weezer.

A bookstore co-worker took me paintballing, to an arcade, and to dinner (where she got them to sing to me while playing a tambourine. Girl’s got skills.) We wrapped the night up with Cards Against Humanity and Bo Burnham at another co-worker’s house. Twas a thoroughly splendid evening filled with laughter.

There were a couple days filled with treats. And by treats, I mean: cupcakes, Oreos, a frappucino, chocolate torte from a complete stranger, cheesecake, several donuts, cookies, more cheesecake, wings, and some fun gifts. (Thank you to everyone who spoiled me!)

I managed to get off work to enjoy a night out with my bestie, Aubree, to celebrate her upcoming wedding and birthdays. I got to be surrounded by friends in line to do a gravity ropes course as midnight struck on my birthday. We played laser tag, and somehow got guns that named me Batman and her Joker. It was a blast! Even sitting in a McDonald’s parking lot at 2 a.m. was fun!

After church, the #oddsquad loaded up with the WRC Young Adults clan to camp and float. I seriously love how my girls were so well prepared. Several guys asked us for supplies, which was hilarious. We also upped the cooking game by making macaroni and cheese and raspberry cherry cobbler on the campfire. We ended the night with about 40 people worshipping around the fire and under the stars. It was amazing. Although it stormed overnight and we woke up soaking wet, it was still an awesome time, even before we hit the river. I got to make the 8 mile water adventure in a kayak with Esther, which was a pretty great combination. There were so many shenanigans as we made our way down the river.

This is the part that stands out to me: overcoming fear and uncomfortable situations.

Something most people don’t realize is that I’m not a great swimmer. (It’s especially funny considering I was a Division I Varsity rower in college who may or may not have failed the swim test. Oopsies.) That little fact made me a bit nervous about the kayak trip. I decided I wasn’t going to let that fear stop me, so of course, it was put to the test.

During our lunch stop on the river, somehow, everyone ended up climbing a muddy cliff and sliding down into the river. I started to head over, but felt the current and that it was deeper than I could reach, and quit. After watching for a while, I decided I was going to do it, so I grabbed Esther and we swam into the strong current. Sammy grabbed us so we didn’t drift too far downstream. Our crew had a good system going to get people up to the top, despite the slippery mud. Sliding down was a mucky blast! Somehow, it turned into a mud fight and mud wrestling.

Then came the next mental challenge: jumping off the cliff into the river. It took a while to work up the courage for that one. Break time was up, so I leapt off that ledge and made it back across the river. There are several old friends of mine who would be completely shocked and probably won’t believe that it happened since I refused to do anything of the sort for years.

Heck, I chickened out of kayaking in beautiful blue waters in Canada, but was able to drum up the courage to do it in a mucky Missouri river instead. I know, I make sense.

The point is, I did it. I let go of the fear and had a blast making wonderful memories. Even doing the gravity ropes at the bachelorette party was out of my comfort zone, but I told that little doubting voice in my head to shut up and leave. I took control.

I think that’s why I’m finding life to be so sweet lately. I overcame my past and let go of caring about how people see me. I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with this or will in the future, but God can flip it all around. Now, I’m learning to let go of fear and doubt to overcome limits I placed on myself and enjoy the moment. Kelsey gave me a necklace more than a year ago that said "fearless," so it's about time I actually live that word.

It’s a new level of freedom and I’m loving it.

I feel like this is a lesson that will be coming in handy in the near future, and it’s exciting. I can’t wait to see what’s ahead in this next year of life.

Oh, Canada! Adventures in Exploring Independence

Home again, home again.... I'm back in the U.S. of A. with a smile plastered of my face. 

The whole point of leaving on this solo adventure was to lock myself up and write a book. I was cool with that, but others couldn't handle the thought of not wandering and doing things, especially the customs agent in Vancouver, who couldn't wipe the baffled look off his face no matter how I explained. But then I got to my destination, Needless to say, with a view like I had in Canada, I didn't get nearly as much done on that front as I planned, but many more great things happened during that time.

The first leg of my journey went the opposite direction. New Orleans. I'm a nerd and decided to start things off with a visit to the National World War II Museum on the 72nd Anniversary of D-Day. The lady sitting next to me on the plane asked what I was doing in New Orleans, and got very excited about it. She recently heard about the museum on the radio and wanted to check it out. She was joining her husband on a business trip and didn't want to go to something of that weight alone, so I suddenly had a buddy.

Keeping things short, the museum is incredible. Some of the rooms are just overwhelming when you walk in. The first day, I also got to see this adorable little boy, maybe 7 years old, dressed as a U.S. WWII soldier, telling adults what things were and why they were important. I've never wanted to kidnap a child so much in my life. I seriously pray my future kids are that cool! I wandered the museum for two days, and probably could've spent more time there, honestly. I did get to help them with a little grammar error in closed captioning of one of the films, which was pretty cool. Yes, I'm a nerd.

After the museum closed the first night, I went for a walk through the French Quarter, because why not. I enjoyed the side streets, but Bourbon was a whole different animal. It wasn't even dark yet, but there were quite a few intoxicated tourists roaming. I ended up grabbing some jambalaya, watching hockey, and reading a bit. The guy working there informed me that a couple stars of "The Walking Dead" were at that table two weeks ago, which is cool, I guess. While trying to find, Cafe Du Monde, it started pouring, so I hustled the mile or so back to the hotel instead of getting a beignet. I wouldn't have cared if it weren't for the book in my hand! I did get a beignet in the morning, after a mile plus walk each direction. Worth it. I just didn't realize it was going to be the theme of the trip.

I got to Vancouver after midnight, so no adventuring to speak of right away. The first day brought a whole different story.

Since the studio I wanted to check out wouldn't let me in without a film backed by a studio ready to discuss, I started out by trying to get to the Vancouver Aquarium, which meant taking public transportation that was not a shuttle for the first time in my life. And I was doing it alone, with all of my luggage. I shuttled (and got a "go Cats" from another rider!) to the Skytrain and then eventually figured out the right bus line, and walked to the aquarium. Minor problem: they don't have any place for bags if you aren't part of a school group. I was dragging my rollerbag around when one worker felt bad for me and got special permission to let me leave my luggage in a school bin. Yay favor! They had a ton of jellyfish, which have always been one of my favorite sea creatures. However, I grew very tired of hearing "Nemo!" everywhere I went. I was pretty confused by the parrots and marmosets at an aquarium, but whatever. Also, the Kansas City Zoo's penguin exhibit is much, much cooler.

The adventure from Vancouver to Victoria was when things got interesting in an "I'm so screwed but haven't figured it out yet" kind of way. Turns out, there are two stops on the Skytrain line that sound very similar. I missed the one I needed, but didn't realize it until I got to the one I thought was correct. I rode back and got off at the right spot, only to find the bus I needed was gone. While there was a bus waiting there heading to the ferry dock, the driver was not on board, so I got to wait for about 20 minutes. Whatever. I had a book. 

When I got to the ferries, the one I wanted had already left. Since there was no 6:00 that day, so I waited for the 7:00. No big. I sat on the deck, reading, watching crews work, soaking up the sun and the amazing view, and listened to the waves and seagulls. It was so relaxing and wonderful, I couldn't help but smile! The great views continued once I got on my first ferry ride and we sailed between the small islands to Swartz Bay on Vancouver Island.

Turns out, the bed and breakfast I booked was more than 90 minutes away from the ferry dock. I pulled out my transportation card to get on the double decker bus, and the driver just grumbled to sit down. I thought I was getting a free ride. Still didn't know about trouble ahead. I was too busy practically drooling while looking at the sun setting behind the mountains. 

Then, around 9:30 p.m., I got a text from the b&b owner saying they were expecting me that day and wondered if there was a problem. I said I was on the bus getting close to downtown and would be there in a little while. He said that they didn't realize I was bussing in, but would stay up. Ok, now I'm starting to sense problems. The first part of that was when the bus driver didn't leave enough time for people to get from the upper deck through the doorway. I missed my stop. With the help of Google Maps, I adjusted. That's when the bus driver told me that my transportation card doesn't work on the island. I had loaded the dumb thing up on the word of someone in Vancouver, so there's money I won't get back. Relying on coins, it is.

I got to the next stop, and somehow ended up on the wrong bus. Once I realized it, Google told me to walk 1.8 kilometers back to the stop... on a dark street... carrying all my luggage. Wonderful. Then, my phone died. Not gonna lie, I panicked a little bit. I hoofed it to the bus stop, whipped out my laptop and plugged in my phone. It was the only option at 11 p.m.! The b&b owner asked for an update, and when the bus I was waiting on was late, then passed by without stopping, he said he'd come get me in his bright orange sports car. He's an interesting Buddhist fellow.

I developed a pattern while at the b&b: breakfast, watch WRSM classes, walk an hour for food, write, adventure and take pictures, walk back and either chat with people or write some more.

The b&b owner told me that the castle a few doors down was where they filmed scenes for "X-men" and "Deadpool," so it became my first major stop. I also came to learn that Hatley Castle was used in "Arrow" "Smallville," and several other movies/tv shows, plus was where King George VI and his family planned to hide out during WWII, so I was pretty pumped. Since it's now used for Royal Roads University, and school was in session, I couldn't get in.

No matter! It is a beautiful building, surrounded by three delightful gardens. I took pictures as I wandered through the Italian and Japanese, before settling into a little hut to write for a while. Other people walking through kept telling me how brilliant of a study nook it was. 

Eventually, I got up and wandered through the rose garden as well. When you walk through the gate, the floral smell is insanely overwhelming! Many of the blooms were starting to wilt and shed petals, but I still found plenty which had enough life for pictures. I forgot how much I enjoy close up floral photography until I uploaded a zillion pictures that night. 

There was a funny moment in the gardens. For years, my sisters and I have used peacock calls to find each other in stores or crowded places if we get separated. While walking around, I heard the scream and my first thought was, "Where's Bekah?" Then I remembered I was in Canada without them, and we couldn't possibly be that original. It must be someone else trying to find their group, right? When I walked out of the gardens, I heard it again. Just a few feet away was a real semi-wild peacock. I tried to take pictures, but the dang thing was pretty quick and I didn't trust it not to attack, so I settled for a distant selfie.

After my first taste of poutine that evening, which was wonderful, I ended up with a little bonus. I only had enough change for the bus back, so I sat at the stop and waited. An older man approached me and asked if I had a ticket. I said no, and he handed me his day pass for the bus. He told me he gives it away everyday when he's done so someone else can ride free all night. Blessing! That opened up the opportunity to checck out Parliament, downtown Victoria, and the harbor. I had heard that they light up Parliament at night, but, while watching the sunset over the harbor, realized two things. 1. It was cold. 2. I was going to have to walk through the woods in the dark if I didn't head back immediately. I was wrong, and had to hoof it in the pitch black. I may have wielded a liter pop bottle by the neck and repeated "Jesus" over and over again, praying I wouldn't meet an animal other than the two on the edge of the path and that I wouldn't miss the path. I had missed it in the daylight, but somehow found it in the dark!. Yay!

Another one of my favorite adventures involved a terrible idea: biking. Google Maps said it would cut my journey for food in half. It did not mention that the terrain was practically straight up. Yes, I walked the bike most of the way. 

That route ended up passing a historical site with a lighthouse. I thought, why not? When I got down the mountain, I found there was a cover charge. I considered not doing it because I was too lazy to dig money out of my bag. However, I was not excited about getting back up to the road so quickly and approached the gate. The cashier smiled and said he wasn't going to charge me. Yay favor!

Turns out, it was more than a lighthouse. It was Fort Rodd Hill. I got to check out battery and bunkers built during WWII! The way everything connected on this trip was amazing! They let you go into special gas-proof rooms where military teams used to plan and prepare. You can climb up on top of the sea wall and see the artillery that once defended the harbor. It was incredible and I may have freaked out a time or two because of how cool this trip was.

Sidenote: the bike ride down the mountain and across the lagoon wall was much more fun than the trip out.

This trip was so much more than I thought it would be. I got to eat breakfast with the former head of Disney Animation Canada and his wife, who ran Chromacoulor (which supplied companies that made classic Saturday morning cartoons, including Buggs Bunny!) Not having data to be on Facebook while I walked or a battery that would last if I listened to music forced me to do a lot of thinking. I got to thoroughly enjoy the scenery, which was spectacular. I couldn't help but grin like an idiot every time I walked through the woods, just soaking in the beauty around me and thanking the One who created it and gave me the opportunity to enjoy it. 

I learned a lot about myself on this trip, some silly, some serious. I learned I am terrible at public transportation and have never been more thankful for cars. As much as I want to think I'm a city girl, I still have quite the country root. There is just something about the middle of nowhere that I find comfortable. I also didn't realize the literal lengths I would go to for a doughnut. I could've ordered pizza and stayed in the hammock or hot tub all day, but I got out there. I also learned I'm the one setting limits for myself, and I'm much more capable that I realize sometimes.

Honestly, I didn't think I could do this. I was freaking out before the trip. Worries of getting lost or running out of money or doing something stupid constantly tried to take over my mind. I mean, there were so many firsts involved for me, it was ridiculous and a bit frightening. When my car died right before vacation started, I actually considered calling the whole thing off. I had to keep reminding myself that God put all the pieces together for this trip to happen in the first place, I was doing it to work on a project I felt He wanted me to do, and He is a good Father who will provide. That's exactly what He did through all the little, unexpected blessings and unplanned adventures.

On the last night, I was walking home from another hour plus long hike for dinner and Tim Horton's. I had just turned into the subdivision where the b&b was located, when I glanced out over the lagoon. For the first time in the whole week I was there, the clouds had finally cleared on the mainland, making it possible to see the mountains. It was stunningly beautiful (and my cell phone pictures don't do it the slightest bit of justice.) In that moment, that still, small voice said, "Good job. You did it." I about broke down in tears. This wasn't just a vacation. It was a test in relying on God. I let Him guide my steps and ended up with more than I dreamed. It's what He likes to do.

Legalism Or Life: Questions After Two Years Without Alcohol

Yesterday marked two years since my last drink. Woo! I was pretty entertained to hear that Isaiah Saldivar will be in town on almost the same day I heard him speak two years ago and made the decision that changed my life. I have a feeling it means there is another big step around the corner, but we shall see.

Recently, people have been asking me when I'm going to drink again and haven't been so ok that it's not in my plans. One of my coworkers went so far as to say he was going to slip me some hard orange soda sometime because I said I didn't want to try it. (Yes, I lectured him on how absolutely wrong that idea is.)

This guy also said I was being legalistic by saying no, but I disagree.

During the drinking days.

It's a concept we talked about in Covenant class last quarter: is the rule designed to be oppressive or is it there to bring life? In my case, it's the latter.

The example Pastor Aaron brought up in class is telling little kids that they can't play in the street. The action itself isn't evil. As adults, we know that's meant to keep the child alive and without injury. It's designed to be life, not legalistic.

In starting to write the book, I had to spend some time dredging through my past, and not all of it is pretty. The majority of the ugly, painful stories involved alcohol on some level. If I hadn't been drinking, I probably could've avoided some situations that I now regret. While drinking might not be the worst thing in the world, creating this boundary for myself is meant to keep me from getting hit by a car [insert: distraction] when I'm playing with something unsafe.

My coworker said I'm missing out and limiting my life by this rule. Again, I disagree.

Now.

Have I skipped things because of I don't drink, sure. (But, honestly, what part of being the only sober person at a bachelorette party on a fake holiday where "puke and rally" is the mantra sounds like fun. I love my friends, but I do not handle vomit well. Sorry. Plus, I was cleaning up after a destructive relationship and pictures in a bar would not have looked like I was back on the right path.) That situation isn't every time. I went out to the bars after my friend's wedding just to be with her. I didn't drink, but I still went and the groom spent a solid 30 minutes thanking me for the gesture.



To steal Pastor James' line, I'm "squeezing the day" and living life to the fullness, but I don't need booze to do it now. Honestly, I'm enjoying life more now than I was then, by a long shot. Plus, there is the bonus of being able to be used for God in new ways. Heather said in class this week that you can't have a deep level of compassion for a situation until you've lived it. Conquering a situation opens doors to reach into people's lives. Your victory gives you credibility with those who are still in the battle.

God gives us guidelines so we can interact with Him and others without doing damage, not to limit our fun. Like Pastor Aaron said, "If love is boundary-less, it's not love." I choose to love my relationship with God more than a liquid. I choose to love myself enough to submit to a rule, not out of legalistic desires to be a "good girl." but to protect my future. I've lost friends and missed parties. So what? I'd rather lose those things than be disqualified for my mission.

Climbing Out Of The Comfort Zone: Is Fear Keeping You Stagnant Or Helping You Grow?

Picture a waking up on a cold winter morning. You are all cozy and warm under the covers; snuggled up between soft pillows. It's still pretty dark in the room, but there is a little sunlight filtering in. Maybe it's just me, but getting up and out of bed on cold mornings takes every bit of energy and strength I can muster. Why would I want to leave my bed to venture out into the dark, cold world?

Because you can't live in your comfort zone. Nothing happens there.

That's what I keep reminding myself right now.

I'm just a couple days away from my big writing retreat adventure, and honestly, I'm freaking out a little bit. Ok, by little bit, I mean I'm considering cutting my own hair to have bangs again. Obviously, I'm not in the greatest frame of mind.

I don't really understand why I'm freaking out and worrying. I know I'm supposed to go on this trip. I know I'm supposed to write this book, whether it gets published or not. God worked way too much out for me for this to be something outside of His will.

When God wants you to do something, He makes a way, and that is exactly what's been going on with this trip. For example, my car broke down last week and mixed in with that first batch of thoughts was, "I should cancel the trip." I immediately shut that down and stood on Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Sure enough, my car ended up running again and I didn't pay a dime for it. Granted, the mechanic told me to get a new car as soon as I return, but that's a whole different adventure I don't have to face today.

So, why am I stressing about something God has His hand on?

Because it's out of my comfort zone.

I can't rely on my own experience because I've never left the country. I can't rely on anyone else because I'm going alone and don't know anyone where I'm heading. All I can do it trust that God is positioning and protecting me.

I won't say everyone, but just like no sane human being wants to get out of a warm bed on a cold, dark morning, no sane human really wants to jump out into something unknown. All you can do in the dark, cozy comfort zone is sleep and rest. You are useless. You have to get out of bed to get anything done and be useful. Accomplishing His will requires a little work on your part. There is a quote from Lisa Bevere in "Girls With Swords" that says, "If you are not praying the type of prayers that scare you, your prayers are certainly not frightening our enemy.” There is also a similar quote of "if your dreams don't scare you, dream bigger." So maybe, it's not a terrible thing to be a little scared.

But it's a good kind of scared. It's the "this is going to change my life" kind of scared. If I was 100% comfortable with this, it wouldn't change me nearly as much. Heather Eschenbaum teaches that ALL THE TIME. I have to be uncomfortable and vulnerable so God can show His strength in every part of this process.

During my meltdown before the car was fixed, I was sharing my concerns with a co-worker who encouraged this trip. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "It's not in your comfort zone now, but when you come back, it will be." Boom. This is positioning. I thought of Mary Seidler in that moment. She didn't just travel by herself to another country. She up and moved to across the world and is now making an impact in Poland. If she would have stayed in her comfort zone in Kansas City, people in Poland would be missing out. She had to take the first step to see those dreams realized. Bevere wrote, "It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run. Impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle."

Of course, I went to a pre-screening of a movie last night with a tagline of "Live Boldly." Ok, ok, ok. I get it.

It is time to rip off the comfortable covers and jump into the cold, dark unknown. That is where something big can happen. Fear can either force you to stay stagnant or grow. The choice is up to you.


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