On this eve of Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for all of the gems dolled out at World Revival School of Ministry, in spite of being so wrapped up in school that I've had no time to write here. I'm also thankful for the goofy people in those classes who make them more entertaining and provide me with an endless supply of crazy quotes.
Ministry to Children
Pastor Mark Pederson (PMP): "A child left to himself will have to fight for himself in the spiritual realm."
PMP: "If Owen goes nuts, there'll be some carving. Don't know on what..."
PMP (on spanking): "Oh no! Christians with crowbars!"
PMP: "Don't let the challenges of revival living blow you out of it."
Esther: "My mom would be like, 'your brother has a bad attitude and it's all your fault' so she'd spank me instead of him."
Lee: "Well, that's what God did with Jesus."
PMP: "You can't serve and minister with a slave mentality."
Hunter D (on speeding): "In my defense, my wife got me into a conversation which got me driving a little aggressively. I didn't let off on the downhill."
Caila: "'That woman you gave me...'"
PMP: "You need a code of conduct!"
Hunter D: "I need cruise control!"
PMP: "You ever feel like 10 pounds of sin on a popsicle stick? I have too!"
PMP: "Mowing the lawn is rest for me. In my mind, I'm mowing over demons and chopping their heads off when they pop up."
PMP: "If Bob has a problem with Bill and Bob has a problem with Betty, Bob has the problem... and it might be the devil."
Israel: Tabernacle and Feasts (streaming from Canada, so instructor couldn't hear our comments)
Dylan: "I like feasts. I was a Baptist."
Lee: "I don't speak Canadian."
Pastor Brent Rudowski (PBR): "God was the first barbecue guy."
PBR: "You can't follow God any way you like. The hard way is the best way because you grow from it."
PBR: "The lesson there, God will give you what you want, but there is a price for it."
PBR: "The joy of life is in the pursuit."
PBR: "God is a very slow mover. I think He's getting old."
PBR: "Have you finished what you're doing right now? No? We'll then you don't need to know anything else right now."
PBR: "That was another rambling rabbit trail! *points finger gun at floor* Pshooo!"
PBR: "What's your value? 30 pieces of silver? Are you worth more than Jesus?"
PBR on Jesus: "He's not a nice looking white guy,"
PBR: "Not everyone wants to go through the Jesus gate."
PBR: "Every sparrow that falls to the ground, God knows. Every spider you step on, God knows!"
PBR: "So, the audio's good?"
Erica: "Don't know. You haven't been talking."
PBR: "Can you remember that for the test? No? We'll I don't want you to."
PBR: "God smelled the offering and said, 'I like that.'"
Hunter F: "Mmmm barbecue."
PBR: "We understand set apart. We just pick and choose what we set apart."
PBR: "Was it Joplin... Joplin, Missouri? [class: yes!] Yeah, Missouri. Or was it Kansas? Joplin, Kansas. [class: noooo!] You people in Kansas City are laughing at me."
PBR: "Sin, to the believer, in God's eyes, is only supposed to be accidental."
PBR: "I've found that some people don't know.... things."
Esther: "I cant lip read Canadian. I'm not sure where all the 'ehs' go."
Rev, Aaron Biro (RAB): "We're all coming in a bit turkey-comaed."
RAB: "A good way to start the new year is to get Satan messed up and confused."
RAB: "It looks like I counted to eight, but I guess I just forgot to count my thumb."
(Canadian speaker passes around picture of her son's Bar Mitzvah)
Jacque: "Here's a picture of my dad's Bar Mitzvah so we don't feel left out."
RAB: "When was the last time you got up and had a little happy dance with your Bible?"
Caila: "You were saying other mean things, but I deleted them from my mind to keep my innocence!"
Life of David
Ben Woodward: "Just because we've come a long way doesn't qualify us to say we've arrived."
BW: "Stop looking for a singular anointed man of God to come fix your problems for you."
BW: "David's life of devotion was the key to his success."
BW: "Why is God empowering creatives? Because they are the ones with vision."
BW: "We are the crowning glory of His creation, not His clowning gory."
BW: "Greatness does not mean a life of ease."
BW: "Hiddenness is a painful reality for a creative."
BW: "What if your creative gift was given to you to set the captives free."
BW: "Who were they believing? [long silence] Jeeeeeeeesuuuuuusssssss."
BW: "That will give you courage: when you're standing in front of a giant and your destiny is not yet fulfilled."
BW: "Do everything you can do until God opens the door."
BW: "Transition always begins with something ending and we have to be ok with that."
BW: " They might not be demonized but they can still be a thorn in your flesh because you know what you're called to do."
Pastor Kathy Gray (PKG): "The best way to shut the mouth of the enemy is to have a revival. Get something good going in your life."
PKG: "Sometimes, the biggest battle is to just keep standing."
PKG: "You can become an apostle for $500 a year."
Kevin: "That's it?!"
Heather Eschenbaum (HE): "What brought David's success? Obedience and his great Facebook page. Or posting on his snapchat. Every day. I don't know what that is but it sounds dangerous."
HE: "It's time to have some positive soul ties."
HE: "Real love will give you armor to fight with."
HE: "Treat offense like a spider on the leg. Spiders on the leg are bad, but jealousy is much, much worse."
PKG: "Please learn this before I start throwing water at you. I was tempted for a second but I don't want to ruin your Bibles."
HE: "Marriage amplifies your problems. If you are a rat..."
Kevin: "You are a big, fat rat!"
HE: "You are the fattest rat that ever was!"
HE: "Do not stalk in a creepy way. Stalk in a godly way, like Elisha."
HE: "Maybe, if you're a jealous person, you don't need to have a spear with you."
HE: "You just kick yourself in the butt, and hear my voice if need be."
HE: "I'm hip! I know what people are about these days! YouTube!"
HE: "You may hav a prophesy over you, but your life could get harder because of it."
HE: "The cave could be protection for you. Don't hate the cave. Possibly decorate it. You might be there a while."
HE: "I can't have dairy. I can't have gluten. I can't have sugar. I can't have fun."
HE: "Are we waiting on someone? Oh, that's the donut chair."
HE: "The Bible is not in everyone who reads it."
Genesis: A Study of Beginnings
Pastor Aaron Lage (PAL): "Anyone know what cosmology is?"
Esther: "I know what cosmetology is."
PAL: "This is not about painting your nails."
PAL: "Has anyone heard of gap theory? [class raises hands] What's gap theory?"
Erica: "I don't know. You asked if we'd heard of it."
PAL: "The Bible assumes God; it does not try to prove God."
PAL: "There are biological viruses that could wipe out humanity, why not a digital virus that could wipe out humanity?
Samuel: "I think there's a verse about that."
PAL: "The point of science is to change. The point of God's word is to not change."
PAL: "He's like, 'look in the sky. It marks a new season of my goodness' and we're like 'oooh! Bloodmoons!'"
Hunter F (while flapping arms): "You know, Imma need some pretty big wings to fly away."
Dylan: "I just have to jump."
PAL: "Hey, little spider. I would flick it, but I think some of you would run."
PAL: "In our attempt to be like God, we undermined how we are already created to be His image bearers."
PAL: "You need to be you, because when you do so and walk in the authority you've been given, you are the image of God on the earth."
PAL: "We were given authority over the birds of the sea."
PAL: "That's one of the benefits of the curse then: I get to eat steak!"
PAL: "When we talk about containers and filling, we're not talking about a really good pie."
PAL: "You and I don't even come along until day 6. We're the pie filling! I'm the cherry on top."
PAL: "Religion always kills when it's not getting what it wants."
PAL: "When you give in faith because you listened to God, you don't know the dividends it's going to pay."
PAL: " Good to know we're flying through Genesis. My goal is to get through chapter 11 because then I'll beat Pastor Tom."
Esther: "What if [Enoch] didn't disappear? What if he just exploded because he saw too much glory."
PAL: "I'm not going to say sarcasm is sinful or anything."
PAL: "No wonder [Pharisees] wanted to kill Him. Jesus was talking in sarcasm font. The words in red are sarcasm."
Caila: "Who names their kid Ham? I mean... It's cool. It's fine. Every time I read over it, like, 'you're such a ham.'"
PAL: "You know he preceded pork, right?"
PAL: "What if you stood before God completely silent and whatever He said, you did it?"
PAL: "It's kind of amazing what you can get ou of the Bible, even in the most awkward story."
PAL: "You ever chase down a vulture? They are big birds... and not the fluffy yellow one from Sesame Street."
(10 seconds later)
Hunter F: "Big Bird."
PAL: "Yeah, it was a joke."
Hunter F: "Ohhh."
PAL: "The enemy doesn't push his word; he comes in and twists God's."
PAL: "It's like when you hit your funny bone. It hurts but you laugh because it's your funny bone."
Hunter F: "I don't. I cry."
PAL: "So, for you, it's your not-so-funny bone."
PAL: "What if the only reason you get blessings are because you had the audacity to ask God for it?"
PAL: "What if the things God wants to say to you are so outlandish, you wouldn't believe it?"
PAL: "You know how when Heather's talking and she's making you laugh and then, it's like, ah! *stab motion* the sword of the Lord!"
PAL: "How many chances has God given you but you aren't willing to give others those same chances."
PAL: "God is not a journalist. *laughter* And everyone looks at Steph."
PAL: "Laughing at yourself undermines pride. If you can't laugh at yourself, you need to check your pride."
PAL: "And Ishmael is apparently a dramatic 17-year-old boy because he is going to die."
PAL: "I'm almost 30. Imagine a 130-year-old man trying to tie me up against my will and sacrifice me to the Lord."
Hunter F: "Ain't happenin'."
Dylan: "I like your posture."
Hunter F: "You're more Viking descent. You'd have to shrink yourself down a little."
PAL: "Ok. Maybe Isaac wasn't as tall as me."
PAL: "Isaac has to be a willing participant."
Hunter D: "Or he'd fall off the altar."
PAL: "Fire safety! Stop, drop and roll!"
PAL on covering a mic to cough: "Are you coughing from your heart."
PAL: "This is supposed to be a really dramatic part of the story and we're all laughing."
PAL: "So, I'm at the gym and this black guy walks up to me..."
Dylan: "Why's he gotta be black?"
PAL: "Because of what I'm about to tell you. He was like, 'are you Irish or just really white?'"
PAL: "We started this class talking about laughter and it really set the tone."
PAL: "Lot's wife doesn't get named, but Abraham's brother's concubine gets named. How terrible of a person are you?"
Erica on Wednesday after presidential election: "Hump day."
PAL: "Trump day."
PAL: "Hearing God's voice should make you hungry to hear more from Him and call on His name."
PAL: "That thing you're battling, what if you overcome it so your child won't have to face it."
Healing: Doctrine and History
Pastor JD King (PJK): History invite us to be both excited and offended."
PJK: "You can hate if you want, but I hope you don't."
PJK: "I'll give you the Macy's word and then I'll give you the Dollar Store word for it."
PJK: "I'm going to give myself 2-3 classes for this."
Erica (whispers): "More like 4-5..."
PJK: "Erica, I say that because I'm prophesying to myself."
Kris: "Are the quizzes pop quizzes?"
JDK: "No pop quizzes. I'm not a fan of pop. Blues, maybe."
JDK: "It's hard to heal a body when you say bodies don't matter."
JDK: "Humanity is made of and for the earth."
JDK: "When we defy God, we are inviting and allowing Satan to come in and do what he wants."
JDK: "It's not my burden to carry the weight of the world. Jesus already did that."
JDK: "A lot of healing prayer doesn't work because it's aimed the wrong direction."
JDK: "Healing is not a miracle. Miracles are extraordinary. Healing is not."
JDK: "You got something to say, Sam?"
Samuel: "It's good. I mean, I agree fully."
JDK: "I'm glad you agree with the Bible."
JDK: "We never build our theology on our experiences. We build our theology on what God said."
JDK: "If you don't cheat on your wife... she won't beat you up."
JDK: "The anointing is to do something."
JDK: "Did you guys read the handout."
Steph: "No."
JDK: "Well, I appreciate Steph's honesty. Most people just stare at you when the didn't."
JDK: "Obedience enables healing to transpire."
JDK: "Ok, let's get back on Jesus here, if we can."
JDK: "I'm expecting you guys to be super honest. You know back in the Bible, if they lied, they got struck dead."
JDK: "You've gotta decide if you're going to be powerful or not."
JDK [teaching about story in Acts 20:7-12 where man falls from roof and Paul raises him from the dead.]: "It's awesome on so many levels."
Steph: "Literally."
JDK: "Do a drive-by and shoot tracts out the window."
Dylan: "Have you ever done that?"
JDK: "No, Dylan, I have not done a drive-by."
JDK passing out quiz: "I know you;re auditing but have fun and do it anyways."
JDK: "If you're going to operate in [healing], you have to be ready to go to war."
Elements of Leading Worship
Sarah: "What's the name of this class?
Pastor Eric Thomason (PET): "You better know how to lead worship or you're dead."
PET: "True worship comes from a place in your heart that you can't explain to anyone else."
PET: "I can't follow a guy or girl who has their eyes closed all the time. Sooner or later, they are going to run into a wall."
PET: "Worship is a weapon."
PET: "You need to watch 'Braveheart.' It will make you a real mean girl. FREEEEDOOOOOM!"
PET: "If you want to be involved in worship in any way, you do not have the luxury of saying whatever you want."
PET: "If God places you somewhere, do it with all your heart because you never know what it will lead to."
PET: "Have you heard of the Jesus Movement."
Emily: "Is that like What Would Jesus Do?"
PET: "Is there any church like what you just described?"
Emily: "Yesssss...."
PET: "Where everyone is likeminded?"
Emily: "I retract my answer."
PET: "I know I said there are no wrong answers, but that was a wrong answer."
PET: "People's lives are not changed by listening to someone sing a pretty song."
Emily: "Just to clarify, you want this to be about Jesus?"
PET: "Yes, I want it to be about Jesus. In case you haven't heard, He's our Lord and Savior."
Emily: "Just covering my bases."
PET: "Do you know what a synonym is?"
Julianna: "Yes."
Josiah: "She just showed you up."
Sarah: "I know what a (mispronounced synonym) is."
PET: "I'm glad you know what cinnamon is."
Emily: "Can you roll back like five steps?"
PET: "You don't know what tap is inside you that is words that the church needs."
PET: "Pastor Mark is standing out there holding a giant inflatable football. I did not expect to see that coming out the door."
PET: "They had better be on it or they're gonna get a look from me."
PET: "God does not give His heart away for free."
PET: "You can never have too much coffee, for the record."
Josiah: "Until you're sitting on the toilet."
PET: "I had more to say."
Emily: "I have that problem all the time."
Josiah: "Like, when you're playing hide and seek and you can feel their warm breath."
Emily: "What kind of hide and seek were you playing as a child?"
Josiah: "Like in a closet!"
PET: "Maybe we don't want to know."
Emily: "Oooh! Oooh! You could put 'go to war.'"
PET points at 'kill' on the board: "Thanks, Braveheart."
Emily: "I'm going to sound stupid, but whatever."
PET: "You aren't going to sound stupid... unless it's stupid."
PET: "Well, what do you think it means."
Emily: "That's great. I love it when you do that."
PET: "For those o you on camera, I'm talking to Steph, who is staring at me from behind the camera. She is doing it sweetly, though."
PET: "....twirling, although men should never twirl."
PET: "Worship clears the clouded mind."
PET: "There is nothing worse than worship that sounds like a bad country song."
PET: "It is impossible to take people to a place of conflict if all you sing about is yourself."
PET: "Sermons alone cannot change the face of a church."
PET: "Are you giving her a hard time? Good. She needs it because she is Steph."
PET: "Why did I pick C?"
Emily: "Because it's easy."
PET: "Why is it easy?"
Emily: "Because it's all white keys."
PET: "Jesus, help me."
PAL: "I think you should write it like an acrostic."
Emily: "This is why you aren't teaching the class."
Sarah: "I'm not saying anything about who wrote the song or the content of the song or even if it's a good song. I'm just saying you can put words in songs."
PAL: "The girls didn't think that was funny."
Emily: "I wasn't paying attention. I was writing."
PAL: "Don't listen to the teacher. The notes are more important."
PAL: "Go be a whiner somewhere else."
Emily: "I'm not criticizing. It's just the highlight of my day."
Emily to PAL: "Ohhh, you're THAT old?"
Emily: "I'd cry."
PET: "Why would you?"
Emily: "Because I need help."
PET: "You will know what to do or I will pull your fingernails out."
PET: "You learned something! You're not stupid! That didn't sound very nice."
Emily: "Thaaaanks."
PET: "Without the presence of God, it's just singing songs."
PET on calling God 'daddy': "I don't climb in God's lap and cuddle! Heck no!"
PET: "Everything flows out of relationship."
PET: "If you are expecting everyone to bend over backwards to adapt to you, you are not a good leader."
