Seeing The Vision Become Reality In 2017

Remember a year ago when everyone was all, 'I hate 2016' and I was like the one person on earth who had a decent year? Here we go with round two. Hot take: 2017 wasn't that bad.

At least for me. 

Pastor Steve said it would be the year of opportunity. Time and time again, I saw opportunities to make dreams come true, and not just the little ones.

About two years ago, I set up a vision board in my room. I drew five things in the short term goals row. They represented getting back into WRSM, graduate, read 50 books in a year, travel to Europe, and write a book. The first four are now complete, and the fifth is in progress. That alone is wild enough to think about, but the way everything went down was more than I could ever imagine with other small goals getting check marks too.

I started a book club with my dear friend Rachelle, and it has grown from six women to about 50 members in our Facebook group. There's also a writing group now that I started with my nerdy friend, Rachel.

I got to work on two shows with WRC that broadcast internationally.

I met Felicia Day and Jim Beaver at Planet Comic Con, resulting in major geek outs.

I got baptized again.

I got to go San Diego Comic Con to interview several celebrities and sit second row for the Outlander panel.

I sat on the Iron Throne and Dragonstone.

I graduated with my second year certificate and Bachelor's degree.

I won my second Emmy.

I was selected for an international fellowship in Germany, where I met so many cool people.

I spent 35 days traveling Europe, knocking a big chunk off my bucket list (i.e. see the beaches of Normandy, filming locations for Game of Thrones, the Berlin Wall, eating donuts under Brandenburg Gate, the Olympic Stadiums in Berlin and London, the Tower of London, Churchill's War Rooms, Auschwitz, Bergen-Belsen, Castle Church, Trinity Library, the Mona Lisa, the Eiffel Tower, NATO, the EU.. the list goes on and on.)

I went to German Comic Con Berlin and was in a selfie taken by Finn Jones from Iron Fist and Game of Thrones. (Yes, I'm a huge nerd. Sue me.)

I saw bands including 30 Seconds to Mars, Skillet, Sick Puppies, Muse, PVRIS, X Ambassadors, Borns, Parachute, Switchfoot and probably others I forgot at this point.... plus ballets, plays, and sporting events.

I met amazing new friends and caused many a shenanigan with those already in my life.

I walked through fields of sunflowers, danced in the rain and played in the hail, both literally and figuratively.

It wasn't all easy. 

School was an absolute grind to finish, especially in the summer when two of my six classes alone packed in 32 papers. Not fun.

Also not fun, getting stranded in Hanover, Germany because the weather shut down trains. Really, trains and I had a rough relationship in Europe. Transportation in generally, really... especially when some dude tried to get me to go down a dark street in Paris with him at 3 a.m... Hard pass, bro.

2017 was nothing short of an adventure, and God stretched me quite a bit as the days went by. So many moments were tests in trust, from patience to protection to the big picture. I latched on to Jeremiah 29:11 in Europe, and I've been trying to hold onto that still. Just letting God do His thing is hard, especially when you feel like something is about to change in your life, but you don't know what. Trust isn't easy, but allegedly it will be worth it. I guess we will find out. 

Happy Three-and-a-Half Year Sober-versary To Me!

Here's a crazy thought: I've now spent almost as much time as a legally-able to drink adult off the crazy juice as I did draining bottles.

Wild.

Today marks three and a half years without a sip of alcohol. I stopped writing about it a while back, thinking it a bit silly to keep documenting this part of my journey. Apparently I was wrong. 

The first reason I say that is because of the new clarity that the battle never really ends. Over the last few months, my resolve has been tested time and time again. 

The first big challenge was my international fellowship. Back in the day, my bucket list included drinking beer in Germany, French wine in Paris, Guinness and Jameson in Ireland, etc. Once this amazing trip landed in my lap, I had to deal with the reality of how I was going to handle myself there. I mean, come on. I was in Germany, a country where beer is legitimately cheaper than water most places, and during Oktoberfest, no less! Talk about a challenge! 

Before I left, the organization sent out a preliminary itinerary and seeing a brewery tour on the list was a punch in the gut. I'm not sure why I was surprised, but I was. I met with one of the pastors to run scenarios and try to come up with the best direction. I could argue either side of the issue, as is the tendency of my ENTP personality. While he eventually gave me permission to do the sampling if I was concerned about making a scene in Germany, he asked me one question before letting me leave the office: "What are you going to say when everyone goes to the bar after the tasting?"

Well, snap, crackle and pop. I see what you did there. It would be rather hypocritical to try to pull it both ways. He wanted me to think about it for a couple days and tell him my decision, but I'm a stubborn brat sometimes (ok, a lot of the time), and never did specify. I thought I'd feel it out.

Celebrating Oktoberfest at Alexander Platz.

I was pretty surprised at how supportive the other fellows were when I said I didn't drink. They asked questions, but never pressured me to join them. They were completely fine with me drinking Coke at the bars while they drained steins. During the brewery tasting, I would swirl the amber liquid and smell it like everyone else, then pass my glass to my buddy, Ben, and he'd drink it. We both won.

However, not everyone was so chill. The program director repeatedly tried to pressure me into drinking. It was never a subtle thing, either. From his inability to hide his disgust that I wasn't sampling the beer and asked to not be in pictures with it (so no one got the wrong idea), to constantly insisting that I allow him to buy me a drink, to blathering on that a sip wouldn't hurt, it got pretty uncomfortable. Again, my amazing fellows supported me and tried to divert the attention.

I can't tell you how many times I thought about caving overseas. It's not like anyone would know unless I told them, but I still could not bring myself to follow through. Deep down, I knew that God took that piece away from me for a reason. He set me apart with a purpose, even if that is just explaining how powerful and good He is.

Which brings me to the second reason I'm writing about my sobriety today: not everyone knows my story. I mean, there were 13 other fellows on that trip, plus three people from the organization, and countless contacts throughout those three weeks. They didn't all ask why I was sipping water at the same time. It was a continual retelling of my story and what God did for me to save me from my own stupidity. 

The whole "I'm in ministry school and it's not allowed" answer worked well enough for some. Others could tell there is more to the story and that gave me an opening to share my heart. Even yesterday, one of my newer co-workers asked if I was an alcoholic, so it gave me the chance to say no, it's a way of being obedient to God.

Once people know your story, they help you stick with it. I can't tell you how many times of late I typed the words "I want a drink." Life's been tough. Fortunately for me, I have sober buddies who don't hesitate to call me out. One guy is always supportive on that front. I really have zero business talking to him anymore, period, but sober support is what started our wacky friendship (after this post). He knows more than anyone else what it's like to not drink in our line of work, since he's a little further down the road than me. 

It's just another reminder that the battle isn't over just because you hit a milestone. He's at six years and still celebrates the markers.

Another of my friends fell off the wagon. I could have easily been me, especially lately. Being done with ministry school took the safety net away. I don't have that excuse anymore. I don't have a rule holding me back. It's now all on me. 

The last couple weeks have really tested that thought. It's a weird shift from being half my decision/ half rule, to this is all on my discernment now, especially when you're emotionally drained and hurting. It would be so easy to numb the world with alcohol, but who would I be on the other side of that bottle? Most likely, a person who holds a lot less respect and has less of a voice worth listening to.

So, today, I'm marking a milestone because daggum, the road is rocky and every step forward is a victory. It's not a win because of my own strength, but the Holy Spirit holding that valve closed for me and reminding me of those faces when I'm on the edge. Jesus is the victory.

The Frustration of Heading Back Into The Wilderness

Ever feel like you are standing near the top of a mountain with your promised land in view, but you're so busy staring at it excitedly that you trip over a loose root, tumble back down only to land in the wilderness again? That is kinda how I feel right now.

Without going into details, I thought things had finally lined up for a major long-term goal in my life and I was elated. My mind raced through scenarios, hopes, dreams and plans.

Let's be real, I got carried away with what I wanted and how it fit into my timeline. I've never been a patient person. My see-it-want-it-go-get-it personality is great for my day job, but it doesn't translate well into real life. This was one of those many times where my personality backfired and cost me the thing I desired.

Honestly, the past few days have been insanely painful. I know the worst isn't over. There will absolutely be more tears in the days, weeks and months ahead. I hate crying, and admitting to doing it frequently is basically the worst.

But I know that I played a role in falling back down into the wilderness. How? I let myself get distracted and consumed by the almost instead of keeping up with what other things God has cooking.

There have been a few projects I've felt like I was supposed to start for a while. When the one dream started coming into view, that became my focus. Even though I felt like I should work on other things, I sacrificed them for what I thought was the big dream. I even missed church a few times to sleep because I was involved in the other project too late, and there haven't been many posts here despite having thoughts to share.

God can't bless that kind of behavior. He withdraws His hand of protection from rebellious kids and that's when attacks come and life crumbles around you. It's an unfortunate reality, but one we as humans tend to forget so easily.

One thing that's been so perfectly timed in the past couple days is my book club. My partner picked the list in January, and it has been on the spot every single time. This month, we are reading "Eat. Pray. Hustle." by Havilah Cunnington, which is a study on Abraham and dream chasing. I'm only about halfway through it, but daggum is it hitting hard!

Abraham waited decades for his promise to come to fruition. He had his days of doubt, but he trusted God's promise and kept going. He wandered around as a nomad without his own heir for years because God promised him the land and a son. He kept going even when it seemed more impossible as time went on. Eventually, God came through and Abraham saw his dream become reality.

As if I needed more verification to be patient, Pastor Kathy hit on it during offering about 24 hours after my plans crumbled. She referenced Hebrews 11:11, which says, "It was by faith that even Sarah was able to have a child, though she was barren and was too old. She believed that God would keep his promise." I only heard the last part of the verse in that moment (I was too busy picking my jaw up off the floor from the 11s, which played a role in the aforementioned plan that fell apart), but that little piece was enough. Sarah believed God would keep his promise.

As I was beginning to write this, my book club partner tagged me in a video from Havilah about why things don't happen in your life. The number one reason: it isn't time. It's so easy to fall into the Christianese of God is timeless and His plans don't follow our timelines, but it is much harder to walk out in reality, especially when it's something you want. Havilah said she would have told 10-years-ago-Havilah to invest in herself in the meantime to get closer to the goal.

Abraham and Sarah believed God, even when they were wandering in the middle of nowhere. The children of Israel spent 40 years in the wilderness getting their act together before they could enter the Promised Land even though they were making laps around it. David spent time in a cave before he became king. They didn't give up, and it took more time than I've been alive for two of those three things to happen.

So, here we go: another lap in the wilderness, starting with creating a 30 before 30 list! If you have any ideas, help a girl out and let me know. I'll post the final plan in a few weeks when I hit my half birthday.