Restoration

I feel different today.

Something definitely shifted last night (yes it's after midnight, but it's still Sunday to me) at the Restore Conference, but it had been building up all throughout the day.

After a lengthy text battle, (and by lengthy, I mean I maxed out the characters for the first time EVER), losing trust in some people, and a rough morning at work, I was beyond frustrated and annoyed. The chef on the show brought alcohol for us, and I seriously considered day drinking with my co-workers instead of going to the conference's day session. There was talk of other shenanigans landing more on the side of debauchery than I should even be thinking about and ways to be a jerk. Somehow, I stuck to my guns and went to church.

By the time I got there, Pastor Steve had already started teaching, but it was hard to shake the morning and focus. A couple quotes stood out to me. "God does not abandon the wreck. He restores it," and, "Allegiance and obedience will spark the glory of God as disobedience leaves." The second goes along with what teachers and leaders were saying last quarter. It's time to step up. This first week of third quarter proved that there is no other option right now. There is already more homework and the classes are definitely going to stretch us.

Once the session was over, I chatted with one of the women of the church who is a solid friend and gives me kind of mom-like advice from time to time. We talked about some struggles and opportunities in our lives, and she gave me something to think about in dealing with the drama.

Saturday nights are normally the most powerful of a conference weekend, so I made sure I would be in the service and was close to the front. I could feel it was going to be a big night for me.

Pastor Kathy was preaching on "capturing the thief" and focused on three in particular. The first was the thief of hope because, "hope is what your faith is connected to." That's a topic that's been coming up a lot lately, so maybe it will become it's own post. After reading Proverbs 13:12, which says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life," then she started praying for people to get their hope back.

Her second thief hit me hard the second she said the words, thief of innocence. It got me because the woman I talked to earlier lead a small group studying Pastor Kathy's book, "Innocence Restored." I read it nearly a year ago, and after our chat, thought a moment about reading it again. Honestly, my notes are pretty dang sparse in that section, surprisingly. When Pastor Kathy called for people to come forward so she could pray for them, I stayed back for a moment. But the Holy Spirit nudged me with a slight threat, "go or she's coming to you." So I went, but I have no idea how to even begin to describe being in that group. Later, when Pastor Steve said that a surprising number of people he was going to have Pastor Kathy pray for came up in the second group, I couldn't help but giggle at how I tried to be stubborn for no good reason.

Just for the record, the third thief she preached on was the thief of time, because only God can restore years.

Prayer time sheet the sermon was also powerful. One of the songs the band played during that time says, "I will not let this moment pass me by. I throw myself into your arms of life. So speak your faithful word a thousand times. I come alive." That's how I felt. I am hanging onto this moment and fighting to get where I'm supposed to be. I'm not letting this powerful night just slip through my fingers.

Despite leaving church after 11:30 p.m. and having to be at work before the butt crack of dawn, I went to a bonfire witha few friends after service. Words can't really describe how nice it was to have a night with no drama, frustration or anger. Just a peaceful night, eating and laughing by a fire. It's been 24 hours and my hair still smells like smoke,  but I'm OK with it. It's a reminder of a great night with fantastic people.

That flowed over into today in a peace and joy I haven't felt in a long time. Even the music on the radio and on shuffle went along with the vibe of new beginnings and new happiness. The drama of the past month isn't weighing me down anymore. God is nothing but good, so I know everything will work out beautifully. I know storms will come, but for now, I'm enjoying the sunshine and the rainbow.

Letting Go And Letting God

To say this past week started out on a sour note is putting it lightly.

I won't say what happened, since even the most vague of explanations would imply who else was involved, and I don't want it to be any more distracting than the situation already is. Just embrace the fact that I was in a total ginger rage for a couple days. It probably didn't help that I worked a ton and barely ate during that time. (Like, I'm talking 4 Oreos and 5 pretzels in nearly 40 hours kind of not eating.)

But then, along came Wednesday.

I was so excited to get through the day, and finally have two days off in a row. I got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Womp womp. The series of events that followed were frustrating, yet absolutely hilarious (and too long to include.) In the end, it took four journalists and a gallon of gas to not only get my car started, but to start shaking off the grump that had overtaken my week.

During my break at my part-time job, I decided to catch up on the One Year Bible reading I started with some friends, but seriously slacked off. The first day I went through included Proverbs 5:12-14, which says, "You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings. Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” It really got under my skin because of the situation. Those most directly involved, including myself, were given instruction, advice, and warnings. We acknowledged that most of it made sense. But, yet, we ignored it. Ignoring the warning ended up carrying a heavy price and became a distraction to the public around us. The annoyance of the whole thing was also trying to turn into anger and bitterness, but I know I can't let that take hold.

So, I did the only thing left to do in the situation: let go and give it to God. I can't waste my time worrying about the situation. I am still concerned for those involved because I do care about them, but I can't let the problem become the focus of my life. Yes, the situation still bugs me and gets under my skin, but I had to let as much go as I could before it made things worse.

Thursday, I spent the day off doing things I keep saying I'm going to do. I joined a gym, went for a walk in the sunshine, spent time with a friend, cleaned my car and apartment, read my Bible, did my hair and went to prayer service. Friday, I went to a work meeting, hit the gym again, had a great lunch and chat with a friend, and started trying new things. As simple as it is, trying something different, like red lipstick and different hair products, on top of working out really helped to shift my mood. More time in the Bible was changing my perspective. I was on camera Friday night, so I only caught part of it, but Pastor Kathy preached on the goodness of God. It reminded me, again, to stop looking at the problem. Stop looking at the hurt. Focus on the bigger picture. This situation is only temporary, but God's goodness is permanent. Whatever happens and comes next will be good because that's what he promised. Psalm 27:13 says, "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

I'm still living so there is still goodness ahead. I'm trying to focus on the good happening around me every day, like going to Planet Comicon, meeting one of my favorite authors, and getting free ice cream. There are still moments I am bummed or angry, but they are more spaced out now. I refuse to let the enemy distract me and get me off track,

School starts tomorrow, so it's time to buckle down and get focused again.