2014: The Rough Ride

It's that time of year where everyone gets all nostalgic about the previous 12 months, myself included. Maybe that's because I have to write a bunch of top (fill in the blank) stories for work, or maybe it's just natural to look at how you got to this point when something comes to a close. Writing this year in review type post is something I've done every year since middle school, but this year, part of me doesn't want to look back on the mess that it was.

Today marks a year since my last post on my "Ginger Journalist" blog. It was doing the exact same thing, looking back. A similarity between the 2013 and 2014 is how a song I listened to at the beginning of the year really played out in my life. Last year, it was "Weightless" by All Time Low. This year, my first Facebook post was lyrics to "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. That was right before things got crazy, and I had no idea that it would start to happen.

To say 2014 started off on the wrong foot would be putting it lightly. My apartment flooded on January 1st. I ran over myself with my own car on January 2nd. Two people I knew were murdered in January. Things deteriorated quickly at my career job, which was my whole world at the time. I dated some really fabulous guys that I met on Tinder (those words are dripping with sarcasm... the app isn't worth it most of the time) and my family finished moving away. The first few months destroyed me, but it was only setting me up for the 180 that started in the middle of May. But that transformation forced me into the most difficult decision of my life: follow my career and move or follow God and stay. It seems pretty obvious, but it stressed me out for weeks. 

It's slightly amusing to compare what I wanted from 2014 to what actually happened. I wanted to be a part of a book club, which I did start, but it ended when I quit drinking. The epic birthday party I imagined at the beginning of the year didn't quite go how I thought, but that also involved being sober. I wanted to learn to like wine. Didn't happen.  Scrapbook, draw, or go to the gym? Nope, nope, nope. All that disappeared in the craziness of revival. My list did include finding a church and going once a month, so at least I got that covered. 

2014 did have some bright spots, like getting nominated for two more Emmy's. I didn't win either, but getting nominated is still pretty cool. I went to the theatre and KC Symphony with my dear friend, Aubree. The Doomsquad got back together (mostly) for a night to watch and celebrate a Wildcat victory over the Jayhawks. I went to a live recording of a worship album. I saw a bunch of bands live (Brandon Heath, Mandisa,Third Day, Skillet, Newsboys, Tenth Avenue North, Lecrae, Newsong, Thousand Foot Krutch, Colton Dixon, Veridia, Demon Hunter, Red). I put my friends on TV multiple times. I took my littlest sister to her first Red Wings game. I produced some fun shows complete with dancing weathermen, and handled some intense breaking news. I went to Worlds of Fun's media night with friends and coworkers. I became a member of WRC on my 25th birthday and then got involved with the media crew. Getting to learn to use a jib camera and be a technical director are pretty awesome things on their own, but to do it so others around the world can hear of God's goodness is beyond special. This year, I also moved to a bigger apartment and got a better car, which just proves that God provides for His children.

One of my favorite things from 2014 was going to Washington D.C. for the first time, then driving down to Bedford, Va., for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day invasion. My friend Monica and I got to meet some truly amazing veterans and record their stories. One day, we will get the documentary finished and share their stories with the world. I'm still in awe of those men. 

That trip was in between the first night at World Revival Church and the Encounter Conference, and that is when the Brandon Heath lyrics started kicking in. Getting to hear such powerful stories started opening my eyes to see people differently. "Give me your eyes so I can see/ Everything that I keep missing/ Give me Your love for humanity. Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted/ The ones that are far beyond my reach. Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me Your eyes so I can see." You never know what someone has been through just by looking. You have no idea what they are carrying with them. I deal with a lot of people between my main two jobs and I didn't care about who they were or where they've been. But over the past 7 months, God has been softening me up and developing more compassion in me. I've teared up more in the past couple months than I can remember in the past couple years. It's the strangest thing, but my WRC friends keep telling me it's good, and I trust them. I mean, it's hard to genuinely show God's goodness to the world when you are heartless and cold. In softening up, I'm taking a little more time with some of the people I encounter throughout the day. That's given me an opportunity to share how God changed my life, planting a seed that could become someone's harvest. You never know how your story can impact others.

My list of things to do in 2014 included make new friends, which absolutely happened at WRC. I did lose old friends in my transformation though. It sucks, but sacrifice is part of the deal. I had to give up things I used to love to make time and space for God. Those who didn't support my new path or got in the way got left behind. Sometimes I miss them and the things we used to do, but I know it's for the best. I mean really, who would have guessed I'd only watch two KSU football games this season? Not me, that's for sure. I didn't think I could give up drinking or going out with my drunkard friends, but God took that from me when I turned it over to Him.

I am truly thankful for the new people in my life. I never felt like I fit in with people before this year. Granted, there are still certain groups where I feel out of place, but it's not nearly as often as it used to be. It's so nice to be accepted because I'm quirky, not in spite of it. These friends from class and church have been there for me through all of the rough patches on the back half of the year (including the loss of three friends from college), they've jumped into shenanigans with me, joined in eating way too much junk food, laughed with me, and become people I will fight for. Several of these people have become far closer than friends, but family.

With my family gone, I now appreciate them a lot more. Who knew that would ever happen?! Getting to talk to a sibling on the phone is a serious highlight to my day. Whenever they visit, it's like an explosion of crazy. I wish they were around more, but I know we all made the right choices for ourselves. I'm supposed to be here chasing God and they need to take care of Grandpa. The 800 miles between us really make time together more valuable.

I picked "Fix My Eyes" by For King and Country as the song for my year in pictures because of its lyrics. The first half is about what you would want your younger self to know if you could go back and give advice. That's like the first half of my year where I was kinda off the rails. The second half is about knowing what you need to do and following the Lord's orders. Like Autumn said in class, your only answer is "Yes, Sir." That means fixing your eyes on Him and doing whatever it takes to reflect Jesus and become more like Him. I really love the line that says, "The things of earth are dimming/ in the light of Your glory and grace." It's a reminder that the things of this world don't even come close to what God has in store for us. My love for things of this world has been fading this year. The more I'm at church or school or reading the Bible, the more I want to do those things, instead of chase after the things I used to enjoy doing more than anything.

I haven't really thought about what I want out of 2015. I thought way too much about 2014, and look how that turned out. No matter what lies ahead, I know God is with me and He will continue to prove His faithfulness and goodness. The year of the Lord's favor is upon us.

(This post is in memory of the friends I lost in 2014: Hal Sasko, Daniel Flores, David Garrett, Darryl Blackmon, and Courtney Mooney)

Finding Freedom

I pretty much haven't stopped smiling in nearly 48 hours, and I'm not alone. The first year students at World Revival School of Ministry ended 2014's classes with a bang... literally.

We started with our Holy Spirit class turned relationship advice from Heather. Basically, it was a lot of laughter, a lot of truth and, since it was also our Christmas celebration, a lot of sugar.

We were in a pretty good mood when our Theology of Luke class started. One of my classmates mentioned God showed him his recliner, as sign to make a place for Him. He mentioned something he was struggling with something, so we started talking about how addictions and painful moments take away our freedom to choose life and hold us prisoner. We can fight and fight, but sometimes it just doesn't break off. That's when Autumn pointed out the significance of the chair. "What do chairs do? Nothing! They just sit there!" It's not giving up. It is taking a moment to agree with God's will, that He will show His faithfulness and goodness. In Luke 4:18, one of the things Jesus says He is anointed to do by the Spirit of the Lord is proclaim freedom for the prisoners. Coming into agreement with His will is a lot more effective than fighting for your own.

However, there are times we do need to fight to prove our desire for that freedom. Our discussion on fighting got very real and raw. What stuck with me at that point was talking about how, when faced with a predator, locking up can be deadly. Autumn dropped an amazing truth bomb. "Survival isn't dignified. You can be pretty or you can be free." She said it takes kicking and screaming. Then, when Autumn said, "and sometimes, you need to bite," I knew she was speaking directly to me, but had no idea. That was how I got away during an incident in college. I didn't talk about that night for a very long time, and still never told my family what happened. I thought I was over it, but in class, I realized how that one moment had negatively impacted every relationship since and many friendships, sparking my downward spiral. I felt sick when it hit me how not ok I really was, but God wasn't done working.

Toward the end of class, Autumn tried to get class back on the plan. We turned to Luke 1, the same chapter from our first class. Autumn looked down at her Bible while the class sat in silence for a while. It felt like minutes, but it was probably only 30-45 seconds at most. She looked up with a half smile and said that she wanted to move on with the lesson, but felt like she couldn't. Then she asked, "who wants freedom for Christmas?"

We moved the tables, clumped a little more than half of the class in the front of the room. The other half were the interceders and stood behind Autumn. It was insanely intense. People in the classroom across the hall said it sounded like a roar coming from our room. It was an intense time of prayer seeking freedom for ourselves, and those we've linked shields with.

After I don't even know how long, Caila grabbed my hand and started praying with me. I had a flashback to a dream I had about a week and a half ago. (It's strange because I rarely dream or remember any details more than a few minutes after I wake up. This one, I remembered pretty clearly.) In the dream, I pushed the guy I dated most recently into an ocean, then jumped in myself. I was underwater, but wasn't wet or drowning. The ex was banging on glass between us, but I wouldn't help him. Eventually, he drowned and floated away from me. When I saw it the second time in class, I knew what it meant. Everything from past relationships was dead and floating away. All of the hurt, anger and broken trust caused by bad choice in boyfriend after bad choice in boyfriend was taken away. The glass, a barrier I couldn't see, but knew was there, was protecting me from getting swallowed back up in that ocean of struggles. A combination of the thought and the lifting pressure caused me to start laughing, at the same time as the rest of the girls on the floor started laughing. Sweet freedom.

This whole time, I was sweating, but it was only 65 degrees in the room. I was on fire and my face and chest were bright red. Rose and I went outside in the freezing cold without coats, but it didnt cool me down. Neither of us could stop giggling. We danced on the porch and threw snowballs around the parking lot like little kids. The joy of the Lord overtook all of us as we felt our new freedom. So of course, as millenials, we had to take a selfie to help us remember the moment.

When I saw the ex later that night, I no longer felt the burning desire to punch him in the face for how he treated me. I remember what I've been through so I won't fall into it again, but it no longer controls me. To say I'm thankful is an understatement.

I'm so beyond grateful for this class of amazing people and leaders who yield to the Spirit. This school seriously changes lives. But most of all, I'm so thankful for such an amazing Savior who pours out goodness and breaks the chains for His children!

Breaking Perfectionism

School is back in session and it is packing a punch. From day one, God made it obvious that He is getting ready to do something with this group of young adults and we need to make some changes in order for it to happen. A lot of the messages in the past two weeks have centered around perfectionism and distinguishing yourself. There is a lot to say on both, so I'm splitting it up.

This all started at a Friday night service when I was running my normal camera. Heather said something about it being my home. I said I was working on it, but my perfectionism makes it frustrating since I'm not at the level I want to be right now. Heather told me to break it off immediately, but service started, so it didn't go any further that day. A few days later, she brought perfectionism up in class. Heather said, "Don't lock yourself into something God can't change." She claimed she wasn't looking at anyone, but she definitely made eye contact with me.

During Heather's class this past Wednesday, perfectionism came up again. This time, it wasn't just a couple minutes. I filled a whole dang page with notes and Heather's quotes on how dangerous it can be to yourself and those around you. "Perfectionism kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the blessing." Heather told us, "You need to recognize it in yourself as a flaw." That is a completely different idea of perfectionism than what we are used to. We regard it as a positive adjective most of the time to describe how hard we work and how detail oriented we are. If we are perfect, people can't judge us or be better than us.

In our quest to be the best, perfectionism turns our attention to ourselves. Our generation is already self-obsessed as it is, thanks to social media. Heather said, "Looking inward causes people to die around you. Introspection causes harm." I had never really thought about it in this way before, but when we judge ourselves harshly, it rubs off on how we treat other people. We expect more and hold them to our "higher" standard. It reminded me of one day when I was complaining about answering dumb bookstore customer questions. Another lady in the church said it was kind of arrogant for me to get aggravated because they aren't on my level or doing things how I would do them.

Perfectionism makes it really hard to be happy. It distorts how you see yourself and what you do. Mistakes become larger than life, while the good things fade to the background. A news general manager once told me the best producers are type A people wrapped in a type B, so I thought the perfectionist part of me was a good thing. But Heather called that one out in the best way possible. After noting that both types of people have their positive qualities, she said, "You shouldn't be type A or type B. You should be type Jesus!" We all laughed, but it's really true. Our focus should be accomplishing the will of the Lord, not on getting every detail absolutely right all the time.

The body of Christ is supposed to serve others. Heather explained our perfectionism is like spinning plates for each area of our life. Instead of using those plates to serve others like we are supposed to, we are using them to perform and try to feel better about ourselves. In reading Luke for Pastor Steve's class, there are multiple mentions of flip-flopping positions in the Kingdom of God. Luke 13:30 says, "And note this: Some who seem least important now will be the greatest then, and some who are the greatest now will be the least important then." So why are we stressing and pushing ourselves so hard to be the most perfect and top of the list, when we should be lifting others up first.

This isn't to say that doing the best work you can is wrong. The Bible tells us to do everything for the glory of God, so we should be trying our best. The problem is when we let the mistakes haunt and destroy us and our perception. I'm seriously guilty of it all the time at work or serving on camera crew. I remember the little mistakes instead of looking at the whole picture. There aren't many people watching who will remember the little ways I screwed up other than me and actually care about it. Like Heather said in class, "The mistakes will never stop! They should spread out, but the mistakes will never stop until you are in Heaven. Perfectionism takes you back to the start."

I know this is something God is really working on me about, especially since a prayer warrior spoke against the spirit of perfectionism on the prayer floor last night without me saying anything, and man, she went after it hard. It really is a struggle for many of us in the class, but we are working on fighting the spirit off together. If it's something you are battling, just know you aren't alone and we can do this. Perfectionism won't keep me from accomplishing God's purpose for me. It may be sloppy, but I refuse to let fear of screwing up stop me from trying any more.