Perfectionism, Shame, Worthiness, and Oh So Much Vulnerability

Ever feel like you're seeing a word pop up repeatedly in your life and wonder if you're supposed to be learning something from it? Me too. The past couple weeks has been one of those times.

In case you didn't catch it from the title of this post, I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown lately, which started this whole journey. My book club read "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" in February, and tomorrow we will discuss "Daring Greatly." Both of these books explore her research in shame and vulnerability. Yes, it's pretty heavy stuff.

At first, I was only able to acknowledge that it is good and important information. But then, I noticed that word 'shame' was showing up everywhere. It reared it's ugly head in fictional books I was reading. It popped up in class conversations. It sparked sobbing over too-close-to-home homework for one of my classes. Situations showed up and highlighted some shame issues, especially while reading "Daring Greatly". At one point, I was reading it and saw a picture in my head of someone brushing away dirt and exposing a vast web of roots. That's a picture of how shame has infiltrated my life and I had no idea how it had shaped the person I am now and the problems that have plagued me. Through all of the 'shame' pop ups, I've been trying to figure out where it all started.

The first moment that this all started clicking into place was when Dr. Brown talked about perfectionism. I have claimed that title for so long, I can't even tell you where it started. So, imagine my feeling when reading that it's a shield against vulnerability. Brown writes, "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame... Perfectionism is, at its core , about trying to earn approval... Perfectionism is a form of shame."

Well, crap.

So, I spent a few days trying to trace it back through my life to figure out why I put so much pressure on myself and how it shapes my behavior. Needless to say, I'm not fond of the results. I won't go into it in detail here since this isn't really the proper place for all that junk, but I think it goes back to childhood. That was confirmed more in the parenting chapter of "Daring Greatly" (which I almost skipped since I don't have children.)

Don't get me wrong: I love my parents (hi mom and dad!) and they did the best they knew how with us, and this is not some blog of blame, but there were certain things during those young years that left me feeling unwanted, unloved, and lacking. Somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that if I was perfect at everything, especially the things they wanted me to be good at, then maybe it would fix everything. Maybe it would make up for every problem that I always traced back to my own existence. Shockingly enough, it didn't.

Instead, it became a pattern that infiltrated every relationship in my life. Anything less than the best is a crushing weight of disappointment and shame. I felt like I was constantly letting everyone down, from family, to coaches and teammates, to coworkers, to friends, to boyfriends. That just created a shame wall between me and everyone, and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything good. It created this cycle, especially with boyfriends, where I would force myself to go along with what they wanted, be miserable, fail to be perfect, feel unloved and unworthy, we'd eventually break up, I'd feel more unworthy and unloved, so I'd lower my standards in search of someone I could be perfect for. For example, an ex of mine just popped up out of the blue. I was hit with so much shame for how people might judge me for dating that scraggly-bearded weirdo, for I let him treat me, how I failed to be the person he wanted me to be, (even though pretty early on in the relationship, my aunt pointed out that I was not being myself when he was around, which made me realize how miserable and not into him I was, but yet I stayed with him until things exploded because I was afraid that was the best I could get).

It's a whole cycle of disaster that destroyed every bit of self-worth I had. I stopped seeing value in myself as a real person. That realization slapped me in the face first in my Honor and Authority class, when Pastor Aaron said that we are all worthy of honor because we are sons and daughters of the One True King. My immediate reaction was, "Maybe you all, but not me" and I shut down for the rest of the class. A few days later, he said he was glad I was in the class and I called him a liar. Let that sink in. I called my pastor a liar for being nice. Why? Because I disagreed with him. Why? Because I didn't feel worthy.

The thought running through my head in that moment was, "Yeah, right. No one wants you around." I constantly battle that feeling, especially in class. The shame of past mistakes built a wall between me and my classmates. While there are more cracks in that barrier with some, I still battle feelings like I'm not worthy of being there or wanted. The drive of perfectionism keeps me trapped in silence for fear of being wrong or sounding stupid. Perfectionism and shame are a really strong box that suffocates everything you're supposed to be.

Friday night, Jill prayed to break familiar spirits, and this all started clicking into place. I had struggled with reading "Daring Greatly" but was finally able to finish the second half quickly. Dr. Brown teaches that vulnerability is the way to break through shame, and that is why I am writing this.

It's a step out of the box toward a new level of freedom. But it's just one step. The other big factor is allowing the Holy Spirit to show the next one, and then following the journey. It's important because the other word that's been popping up around me lately is fierce. You can't be fierce if you have locked yourself in a box of perfectionism and shame.

A Weird Winter at World Revival School of Ministry: Part Two

As promised, here is part two of the Winter '16-'17 quote chronicle. This includes the Wednesday/Friday classes and both worship classes for the quarter. Some interesting stuff awaits.


Five-fold Ministry - Pastor Aaron Lage (PAL)

Pastor JD King (JDK): "In heaven, there will be no florescent lights. I know."

JDK: "You need to be ok with what God made you to be like with your giftings."

JDK: "When you know there's going to be a war or a battle, it's better to do it sooner on your terms rather than later."

JDK: "I'm doing my rabbit trail, but just a little longer and then we'll shoot it."

JDK: "It's very hard to apostle from the pulpit."

PAL: "The way that you keep unity is by constantly trying to glorify Jesus."

PAL: "How do you convince someone about apostles."
Caila: "Heal their body."
PAL: "Well, they really need their mind healed."

PAL: "If that's the only qualifier, I'm going to write homework to you guys like, 'I, Aaron, called to be an apostle of Jesus Christ.'"

Esther: "I know my horse facts!"
PAL: "But apparently, you don't know your Bible facts."

PAL: (on getting knocked off a donkey) "Can you imagine how that would be written in King James?"
class: "Knocked off his... ahhhhh...."
Dylan: "Still accurate."
Stephanie: "Knocked off one and onto the other."
PAL to Caila: "I'm still waiting for you to get it."
Caila (deadpan): "I think I already have."

PAL: "When it comes to apostleship, the future of the church is at stake."

PAL: "We say the prophetic is a gift, but whose is it? Is it God's or yours?"

PAL: "When you use the prophetic gift, other's should want it."

PAL: "Does anybody know who Isachar is?"
Erica: "I did last night but now I don't."
Dorice: "I'm glad you said that because I thought I was just being old."

PAL: "Maybe instead of worrying about the dangerous, we need more of it."

PAL: "Christians are like, 'life, liberty and the pursuit of JOY!'"

PAL: "We spent a whole hour talking about the prophetic, so you darn well better be open to the prophetic."

Caila: "Where's Mr. Hunter?"
Samuel: "He's your hubby. Shouldn't we ask you?"

PAL: "How do you sort that out?"
Esther shrugs
PAL: "That's your level of discernment? *Shrugs*"

PAL: "Openness without naivety. Discernment without judgement."

PAL: "If you frame every prophesy through your current situation, you're probably going to miss God."

Caila: "I feel like people are like, 'What's your gift? What's your gift? What's your gift?' but really, it's what are you hungry for?"

PAL: "That's absurd. When was the last time you were around a donkey anyways?"
Erica: "Mexico."
PAL: "That's a burro."

PAL: "You're open to a donkey saying it, but if a valley girl starts talking, good luck."

PAL: "Father, I have sinned. I only prophesy in Elizabethan."

PAL: "Don't hesitate. You may never know the reason why the Holy Spirit will bring things to your remembrance."

PAL: "Don't worry about a catcher. The ground's not that hard."

Caila: "Stephanie! You need to open your mouth more often! Golly gee!"

PAL: "A plus B equals C. C stands for Christian."

PAL: "I'm not sure I'd describe anyone in America as mature right now."

PAL: "We end up downplaying our gift so much, we're ineffective."

PAL: "You cannot life for Jesus as a cynic."

PAL: "I could take your phone and open your Bible app and see the last time you opened it and how long you spent in it. I can also look at the last time you opened Facebook and how long you spent on that. That's convicting!"

PAL: "You are prepared and ready. Make up your mind that you're prepared."

PAL: "Compassion has more than one face."

Caila: "I need to leave the United States. (pause) I need to be more cultured."
PAL: "The way you said that was not how you meant it. I was like, 'is she volunteering to be deported?'"

PAL: "That was such a weird analogy."
Caila: "But I got it! I really got it!"


How To Minister In Healing with JD King (JDK)

Hunter F.: "I thought it was donuts."
Rose: "Aside from where it says 'Office Depot' on the box."

Hunter F.: "I feel smarter already."
JDK: "The goal of a praxis class isn't necessary to be smarter."

JDK: "If you're taking notes only because I'm going to look at them, then really, I've failed."

JDK: "A client is seldom the reason a healing doesn't happen."

JDK: "Just so you guys know, even though we're supposed to be off the subject."

JDK: "Healing tends to flow out of your connection with God."

JDK: "Don't get me wrong. People need to stop being rats."

JDK: "You need to start being yourself. It's better than you think."

JDK: "Sometimes the hard work isn't for the outcome; it's for your character."

Samuel: "The glory!"
JDK: "I know you're mocking me, but I'll take it."
Samuel: "No! It's my favorite!"

JDK: "You should try to get seven hours of sleep at night."
(half of class looks at Stephanie)
Erica: "Nice try, Steph."

Erica: "I don't like Star Wars."
JDK: "You don't like Star Wars? Stop cussing!"
Erica: "I'm a Trekkie."
JDK: "Maybe that's the fifth symptom: emotional, biological, and being a Trekkie."

JDK on quizzes: "Are you going to lay in bed all Christmas break wondering how you did? You might not be Lydia Campbell  but there are people like that."

JDK: "I thought that was Aaron standing up there."
Samuel: "Aww! That's a compliment! That guy's a hunk!"

Samuel: "I've never prayed for the color of poop before."

Samuel: "A lot of people like their problems because it allows them to self-indulge."

JDK: "God uses the people who make you uncomfortable to bring you what you need."

JDK: "Healing is the gospel."

JDK: "Prayer directed toward the problem is more successful prayer."

Dylan: "You put 'anointing with oil' twice."
JDK: "Wow. You've got the gift in correction, grammar or otherwise, is not a way healing flows."

JDK: "Actions are more important when there is less overriding anointing."

JDK: "He's making fun of Bono from U2, who is one of my personal heroes."
Samuel: "I'm sorry."
JDK: "Why would you say that?
Samuel: "Out of all the people in the world?"
(JDK lists facts about Bono)
Samuel: "I guess I don't really know him that well."
JDK: "There we go!"

JDK: "Dylan, if you're going to laugh, I get to laugh with you. That's the rule."
Dylan: "He said 'not like this' and I said 'definitely not like this.'"
(JD's face goes blank, returns to teaching, and ignores the class' laughter.)

JDK: "I don't know much Spanish. Taco... Burrito... Those words I know."
Caila: "Are taco and burrito Spanish?"

JDK: "Pour yourself into something, someone, every once in a while."

JDK: "If God gets all the glory, you get none of the blame."

JDK: "Somebody pray for Hunter. Let's go."
Hunter F.: "What's wrong with me?!"


Arts Through Church History I withe Pastor Eric Thomason (PET)
Note: This was a history class, so there weren't many spiritual quotes. However, there are plenty of dumb ones, so enjoy.

PET: "We need to get [Emily] in here. She's going to come in here all bubbly and want to say something and I'll be in the middle of a message."

PET: "If someone sang like this, I would say, 'Jesus, forgive me. I'm about to sin.'"

Emily: "I feel like I'm going to suck now that you've explained it."
PET: "You will but it's ok. (class laughs) Let's just call it like it is, guys."

Emily: "You make it sound pretty. When I did it, I sounded like a dying cow."
PET: "What's funny is, you kept saying 'dum dum dum' and it's like, yeahhhh..."

Sarah: "Darn those Greeks!"

PET: "Do I need to spell Renaissance for you?"
Emily: "No. I know how to spell that."
PET: "I'm just saying, sometimes I have to spell six-letter words for you."

PET: "You don't have to be a purist like me."
Sarah: "I'm not!"

PET: "The people you're going to have to fight are the believers."

PET: "Praise and worship is not a prequel to the word."

PET: "If I draw it, it will look like a deformed elephant."

Sarah: "Do Presbyterians believe that?"
PET: "mmmhmmm."
Sarah: "Do they know they believe that?"

Emily: "I need to have a talk with this guy [John Calvin]"
PET: "Well, good luck because he's pretty well dust by now."

Sarah: 'It's people like that who say you can't swing on the swing set anymore."
PET: "And for the random thought, you can just keep drinking your coffee."
Sarah: "I'm just having fun here."
Emily: "I like this Sarah!"

Emily on Martin Luther: "He thought he was the stuff."
PET: "You would too if you got to wear a cool hat like that!"

Sarah (out of the blue): "Can a nun be a surrogate mother?"

PET: "You can prophesy on the drums. You can speak the heart of God by beating something."

PET: "God responds to a true heart of worship."

Hunter F.: "I thought it said making of bacon but it says making of deacons."
Josiah: "I wanna go to that church!"

PET: "Every revival has its own soundtrack."

PET during songwriting: "How about blow instead of fall because winds don't fall."
Emily: "Rains do."
PET: "And people."

PET: "Who wants to come up with a melody."
Emily: "Oh! Oh! Me! Oh!"
PET: "Is that your melody? 'Oh oh me oh?'"

Emily: "Ohhh! So it's obo, not hobo!"

PET: "You get a great cello player in worship, God will come and sit on the front row."

PET on sneezing: "Just do it, man. Blow your glasses off."

PET: "We can't let other people who are stick in the muds dictate who we are in Christ."

JoAnn: "I just have instrumental turrets."


David's Tabernacle with Pastor Kathy Gray (PKG) and Heather Eschenbaum (HE)

HE: "[Pinterest] is the most covetous website I've ever seen! I want that and I want that, but I'm not going to do anything about it."

PKG: "There can be spiritual death and you might not even know it."

PKG: "Don't ever name your kid Annanis! Or Sapphira! Go with something simple, like Kathy or Steve."

PKG: "Guard the ark. Guard His presence by guarding your heart."

Emily: "I didn't want to scream at you. I was like, she might smite me."
HE: "So, you threw your friend under the bus."

HE: "Prophesy means nothing because most people forfeit their anointing. Prophesy is just there to torment you later on what you didn't do."

PKG: "If you don't read the word, you can't be prophetic."

PKG: "You've gotta have the anointing of God to rule yourself."

HE: "You search for the caramel. Search, search, search. [A box of chocolates] is like dating! Search, search, search for the caramel. Get a coconut. Search, search, search."

HE: "I'll tell you about my experience of singing in church. Other stuff will probably come out. You know how I am."

PKG: "You lead by your life. You don't lead by holding a microphone."

PKG: "There's plenty of consequences to being an idiot in God."

PKG: "The way to win is to give thanks unto the Lord."

HE: "If you want your songs to be better, work on your relationship."

HE: "If you believe in the Kingdom and aren't singing, you're being stolen from."

HE: "You need to think of singing as a gun."

HE: "When you have to push for the things of God, you change."

HE: "Why don't we [sing] now or else you wont hear anything else I teach."

HE: "A spirit-filled person is a singing person. Musical ability has little to do with it."

HE: "Take every weapon that's given to you and do something with it."

PKG: "Mercy is God's love in action."

PKG: "When you're appointed, you're anointed."

PKG: "Fasten your spiritual seat belts!"

PKG: "I could never be an Uber driver. I couldn't handle the app. Why does it need an app?!"

PKG: "If you want words to say to God, you have to have His word in you."

HE: "Don't expect to reap things you won't participate in."

HE: "You need to faceplant yourself into the Word of God."

HE: "We think we are Mr. T in the Spirit, but no! We are Fat Albert!"

HE: "No, you worship with your hands and I'd like to take them away. You're waving them around like you're landing planes!"

PKG: "When you're in the presence of the Lord, that's when you're most creative."

Hunter F.: "It smells like chili in here."
Caila: "Ugh. Bodies. (sprays Febreeze)."

Hunter F.: "Sarah! Don't eat the Febreeze!"

PKG: "Rejoicing has nothing to do with what's going on around us."

PKG: "Frisking and frolicking in the Lord! Isn't that good!"

PKG: "It'dd be cool to show 'em what it's all about. We don't need hot dogs and beer to shout!"

JoAnn: "I'm not using real gold though. I'm using cardboard."

PKG: "We can only implement what we understand."

PKG: "We have the right to the light of life. We have the right to joy."

HE: "You need to live Biblical proportions."

HE: "Push yourself! Stop being pansies! I say that with love."

HE on 'shiggaion': "It sound like 'shenanigans' but it's not."

HE: "When the masses come, you will not have time to be ministered to. You'll be the Levites."

A Weird Winter at World Revival School of Ministry: Part One

I'm doing this a little differently. The quarterly quotes is going to come in chunks. Call it an inspiration from Rose, who as you're about to read, said, "I look at this list and I kinda don't want to read it. It's so much." That had nothing to do with the quotes, but putting six classes into one post was far too long.

So, for now, you can enjoy some of the memorable moments from the winter's Tuesday/Thursday ministry classes!


Book of Acts with Pastor Mark Pederson (PMP)

PMP: "When your passions become white hot in God, that's when you'll shake the world."

PMP: "The weakness in revival relationships is not usually a weakness in truth, but a weakness in fruit."

PMP: "People set on fire by God do not bring leftovers."

PMP: "When you believe the lie, you empower the liar."

PMP: "It takes character to pray for someone else what you want for yourself."

PMP: "Don't be afraid to tell your story. In fact, please do tell your story."

PMP: "You will find God continually dealing with your fear."

PMP: "Kingdom living begins in a place many people don't want to go. It begins with emptiness."

PMP: "Steph, are those gummies?"
Stephanie: " Yup."
PMP: "That's how I know you're close to the Lord!"

PMP: "Unrighteous anger is never satisfied."

PMP: "God doesn't come at you through your past. He comes at you through your future and pulls it into the present."

PMP: "The root of prejudice is pride."

PMP: "Anointed people are consistent."

Esther: "It's like following JD around and 'doin' the stuff.'"

PMP: "I remember stepping on a frayed extension cord. It was at night so there was a little dew on the ground. It moved me. *sings* I feel the earth move under my feet."
Caila: "Is that an old song?"

PMP: "Fear is never more prevalent than in times of revival."

Bob: "Bonus question. Why did I pick Tootsie Rolls?"
Caila: "Because you love us?"
Bob: "If I loved you, I wouldn't give you this trash!"

*Stephanie draws on Dylan's face with orange marker*
Dyaln: "No! I don't want to be Trump!"


Practical Ministry with Pastor James Koppang (PJK) and guest speakers

PJK: "Class expectations. Students are expected to attend class. Such high expectations."

PJK: "You're no longer in kindergarten; you're in big boy class now!"

PJK: "Ministry is building up the body that you've been put into."

PJK: "I don't have to look it up. I have students!"

PJK: "Pastor people toward something, not away from something."

PJK: "It's easy to dream on Instagram. It's harder to steward what you've got."

PJK: "I'm going to tell a story since I have time. Oh, wait! I'm supposed to get through four of these things?! I only got through one!"

Shelley: "Being around people of no vision will eventually steal yours."

PJK: "If I can persuade my wife to go a certain direction, I can persuade the masses. I've never had a harder sell than my wife."

PJK: "That's my natural reaction when I've upset my wife: go buy flowers or candy. It would be a little more weird if I went and did their dishes."

PJK: "I'm going to have to bite this. I can't talk with it and... I'm not that talented."

PJK: "I don't know what that's called."
A couple students: "Self-deprecating."
PJK: "Self-defecating?!"
Class: "No!!"
PJK: "I was gonna say, I don't care who you are, I'm not going that far."

PJK: "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Pastor Jack Walter: (goes off on tangent about filling gas tanks) "What does this have to do with weddings? Oh! So, when you go on your honeymoon, you don't run out of gas."

Bill: "I really don't like panic. If there is a crisis and you panic in front of me, I might just shoot you to get you out of my way."

Bill: "We call [the media department] the toilet. Throw money in and flush it."

Bill: "If you take care of people, you're never going to lack for volunteers."

Belich: "For some reason, I like the interaction. I'm sorry."
Esther: "Ask Pastor James how that goes,"

Belich: (shares example and uses Mary Jane as the name)
Hunter F.: "Darn Mary Jane!"
Belich: "I'm not sure why I said Mary Jane. (pause) Isn't that a pseudonym for marijuana?!"

Belich: "Twitter is mostly younger people. Facebook is obviously every person on earth."

Belich: "Cher is the only person who comes to mind, but not her. She doesn't need the social engagement."

Hunter F.: "Man, I had to look for like 10 minutes to remove that marijuana part [from previous class' video]."
Stephanie: "It's still going in the blog."
Rose: "You can't remove it from our hearts!"

Belich: "You have to work through *sigh* and be nice."

Belich: "Now we can run them [lights] at 100 and if people get blinded, it's only temporary,"

Belich: "Mmmm! They [lights] look great."
Hunter F.: "Like a fine pasta!"
Belich: "It IS like a fine pasta!"

Belich: (class hears noise) "That was weird.
Erica: "It's the bathroom."
Belich: "Are they scratching their name in the wall? 'Aaron was here.'"

Belich: "If you don't want team participation, ask your questions now!"

Rose: "I look at this list and I kinda don't want to read it. It's so much."

Erica: "Especially if they are doing sermons, hopefully they have a scripture base."

Belich: "This is good. How do you propose implementing it?
Hunter F.: "Doing it."

Belich: "It's all nasty stuff, like two pounds of roast beef and meatballs topped with... butterscotch."

Pastor JD King: "As students and all, you need to learn things."

JDK: "We have a tendency to think of the gift of administration as licking stamps and filing papers."

JDK: "I said this wasn't going to be theology, but just this part only."

JDK: "A little weirdness, a dash of weirdness here and there, I'm like ehhh. But if you're weird all the time by definition.....,,,,,"

JDK: "Do I sound like an ugly person?"

JDK: "Community is the glue that allows deeper truth to be heard."

Bobbie King: (on administration) "Bossy. Scheduling. Money. Sounds like being a mom."

BK: (on flunking a college class) "Can you believe it? Part of it was you have to go to class. But it was a three hour night class and I had better things to do, like my fish had babies and I had to be there for her!"

BK: "In the Kingdom of God, there is no hierarchy,"

BK: "Oh gosh! I've sheltered my kid too much. She's crying at the Bible."

Caila: "Get all of this out so when Heather gets here, I can focus."
Dylan: "You'll focus anyway."
Caila: "What, are you Mr. Heather now?"

Heather: "What if she goes to the left?"
Caila: "Ahhh!"
Heather: "Isn't that your right?"

Heather: "So, what we've learned today is that Caila is not a catcher."

Heather: "Don't be weirdy-weirds."

Heather: "What if she walks in and the people who have the antidote are selfish?"

Karen DeHaven: "Every minute at church counts."

PJK: "I want to leave ample time for Q&A."
(class laughs)
Erica: "Esther told [the guest speakers] to ask you how we do Q&A."
PJK: "Yeahhhh.... He's real proud of you on that one.

PJK: "The thing about the Holy Spirit is, He doesn't leave with a bang."

PJK: "At the end of the day, pride is going to be the thing. Pride is the number one destroyer of the anointing and the Holy Spirit moving in your life."

PJK: "I found that secret in my personal life. I mean, I'm sharing it. It's not really a secret. Read your Bible."

PJK: "Teaching is a stretch for me. I'm like, we've got the five-fold for a reason!"

PJK: "I call it pucker factor. I don't know if it's a thing or not."
Caila: "I'll look it up for you."
PJK: "Uhhh.... I wouldn't."

PJK: "People that you typically want to be like don't have five hours to hang out with you. If they do, they typically aren't the type of people you want to be like."

PJK: "We should have no one who is entry level for very long."

PJK: "You have to expect success on your life. You can't accept failure as an option."