Finding Inspiration Through "Beautiful Uncertainty"

It's funny how God works sometimes, especially with stubborn people like me.

While at work at the bookstore, I was putting things away as normal when one book caught my eye. It's called "Beautiful Uncertainty: Singleness, Surrender, and Stepping Out on Faith" by Mandy Hale. I felt like I should read it and made a mental note to put it on my eternally long book list.

Throughout the next couple weeks, I'd walk by it and think, "Oh yeah, I should read that," but then I'd do that terrible judge-a-book-by-its-cover thing. I'd think, "I bet it's super cheesy" and keep on walking.

Then, one slow weeknight, I was assigned to covering breaks, the first one being on the floor where "Beautifully Uncertain" belongs. I decided to flip through it and see if it was worth the buy.

Right off the bat, her story of living with her agnostic boyfriend connected with me. Been there, done that. Terrible life decisions... Moving on.

And then, connection number two: she mentioned Matthew 6:33, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." That verse has been popping up in my life a lot lately. I'd been pondering writing here about that verse and some interesting comments that have come along with it over the past couple months, but just hadn't found the time.

Mandy then wrote about creating a vision board, and referenced Proverbs 29:18, "Where there is no vision, the people perish." Ya know... the verse we just talked about in school... ("I feel like perishing is something to avoid. It sounds kinda like death. I feel like I'm perishing every four hours when I'm hungry." - Jacob Berryman, Church Marketing instructor.) But we talked about that verse as we had to hand in our personal vision statements THE DAY BEFORE.... Ok, ok, ok, God. I get it. It's time to focus. Ten pages in and I'm convicted and inspired. Dang.

As I kept reading Mandy's story, so much of it felt like my own. The verses, the story, the dream... all of it. She shared about writing her second book and about her ex. This hit me because people have been telling me for years that I need to write a book (or several) about my dating adventures since I find myself in some of the most unique situations. "Beautifully Uncertain" brought that back to mind as something I need to freaking do already. It's not that the thought of doing it ever went away, but I second (and third) guessed myself. I keep thinking, "Why would anyone read it? I write other people's stories for a living so what makes me think my story is so special?" I have those same thoughts about this blog, but then I get texts and tweets and comments saying this does have an impact. The enemy just wants us to forget that we can and will do something great for God if we commit to His plan and take the steps of faith. Mandy wrote, "When He wants you to do something, He drives you crazy until you do it. And then when you rise up and meet His plans with your obedience, miracles happen."

It's not like I don't know this from personal experience already, but it's still a struggle to grab a hold of something that much bigger than yourself when you don't know how it's all going to work out. I like my nice, neat plans set up well in advance. Standing at the edge of the cliff is scary. The edge of the cliff is exactly where I am now. This book was just another poke pushing me closer to the edge.

My eyes welled up with tears, overcome with feeling how close to the edge I am right now, one of the guys I worked with gently placed a hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ok. I told him I was, but I was just really overcome with the Holy Spirit convicting, inspiring and connecting me to someone I'd never even heard of before who lived through some of the same things I'm trudging through now. His response cracked me up. "Ok. Just don't have an emotional meltdown on the sales floor. You might scare all the customers." There was literally no one around us.

I ended up reading the entire book during that six hour shift, while still doing my job. I was THAT connected to Mandy's story. It felt like a friend updating me on their life after a few months apart, but also there was a connection with God. There were so many other moments that hit me, but I don't want to spoil the whole thing for you.

Since the book is by a single girl, I'm a single girl getting over a "close but no cigar" situation, and I know several single girls are reading, I'll leave you with this quote from Mandy: "God loves you too much to allow you to settle. And, maybe, instead of getting upset and discouraged and frustrated about not finding what you're looking for, you can get really, really grateful instead. Because the only time you don't find what you're looking for is when God has something far better for you to discover. You just have to be patient in His timing and secure enough in your worth to know that God wants to give His children the very best gifts." Patty spoke that over me Friday night on the prayer floor. "He's a good daddy. He gives good things." As I let go of another hurt, I ended up with a hug from someone I wouldn't expect. God is getting ALL of His people together for something new, so unity and His will need to take priority over finding a date right now. (As hard as that may be sometimes!)

7 Things I Learned From My Season of Solitude

I thought I posted this last week. Apparently not. I guess I'll leave this for now and come back to my new thoughts later...

Since my last post, several people have asked me if any good came out of my few months "in hiding," so to speak. The answer is a resounding, "yes!" Here are the seven keys that stand out the most.

1. Rest is actually an important thing. 

Those of you who know me personally probably just fell out of your chair or did a spit take. I've always been the girl constantly on the go, fully believing in sayings like, "sleep is for the weak" and "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Shortly before all the drama happened, several people expressed concern about my daily schedule. One of my friends went so far to say, "you aren't burning the candle at both ends. You threw the whole thing into the fire." Apparently working a full-time job, a part-time job, being a full-time college student and trying have a social life sounds like it's too much.  Meh. I survived, didn't I? Did I survive without being a moron? Not so much. One person told me that I tend to make dumb decisions when I'm sleepy, and she had a point. So, I used the time I'd normally be in class to get almost a normal amount of sleep, most of the time.

2. A different kind of independence.

As an oldest child, I'm pretty independent from the get-go, but I'm also pretty social. I never really thought of it as a crutch, but it is in a way. I hid behind my jam-packed calendar and used it as an excuse to get out of things. Making the decision to cut everyone off gave me more freedom. I didn't say no to things because I only had a couple hours to sleep and do things. I said no because I didn't want to. I stopped needing to see and talk to people all day and focused on what I wanted. Yes, that's a little selfish and yes, it was lonely, but there was a freedom in it. Not only was I sleeping almost normally for the first time in years, but I was reading for fun again. I started going back to the gym a little bit. The few people who were a part of my life during those months were there because I wanted them there. I had to learn to stand on my own and not live for what other people thought I should do.

3. ... but submitting to leadership is not as painful as it sounds.

When Heather first suggested one on one meetings, let's just say I was less than excited about the whole deal. In her words, I had a "junky attitude." She basically had to challenge me into it, knowing I do love disproving expectations. Even though I agreed to do it, doesn't mean I was all in for the process. I actually avoided it for a while. The holidays gave me a great opportunity to put this whole concept of letting someone all up in my business on the back burner. While I was ducking the process, I met someone who actually made me want to be better so I could be something good in their life. It opened my eyes to what I was hiding from.... the people who actually saw something good buried in me and wanted to bring it to the surface. I had to heal for the sake of everyone else my story could positively impact, and that meant listening to people who have experience getting past hurdles. As much as I fought it in the beginning, I can already see how much that guidance helped in just a couple months time. It's crazy to think how much change is possible in the months to come.

4. Consistency brings stability.

Roller coasters are fun because of the ups and downs. Despite Pastor Diana talking about stability I don't know how many times, I still felt like the ups and downs are what make life the adventure that it is. But that was an opinion formed from a life that had never really known stability. In setting goals and taking small steps to make them happen, things leveled out in a good way. Life still has its ups and downs, but life is better now. Taking care of myself and being consistent in doing so has leveled out the day to day life in a positive way. The journey doesn't end with leveling out myself. Now, I'm becoming someone other people can lean on instead of being the one leaning on others.

5. Perseverance.

This journey has not been easy to say the least, and it still isn't easy now. There are so many times I wanted to give up and vanish. I thought about moving. I thought about quitting media team or the church. One person argued with me about how they'd do anything to still be here, but then they walked in my shoes. Being in a place where people know your mistakes and hold it against you, whether they realize the judgement in their glares or not, sucks. As much as I wanted to leave, I knew I wasn't done here. I couldn't walk away knowing something big is around the corner. Mary's "kitty cat claws" had to come out and dig in, no matter how painful it was. I became as invisible as possible just to get through it all, knowing at some point, it would be worth it.

6. Hope.

For some odd reason, I really latched on to the word "hope" at the beginning of the year. Hebrews 6:19 says, "Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast." This has really come alive in my life. The more I fought to hang on, the more I had to question why I was doing it. My boss asked me one day, "What is the point? It doesn't seem like it's working for you." At the time, I didn't have an answer other than, "because it's what I know I need to do." Later in the day, I remembered a line out of Lisa Bevere's book "Girl's With Swords" that basically says the enemy isn't attacking who you are now, but who you could be in the future. That made me look ahead. I had to have a hope that there is something better ahead. The church's theme for the year is "begin again" and I latched on to the hope in those two simple words. The radio even cemented that stirring of hope in me with songs like: "Grace Wins," "It's Not Over Yet,"and "Trust in You." I had to think differently. I had to hope that the good was coming, and when it showed up, it nearly knocked me over. Without faith that God is good and He will back up His people, I wouldn't have made it through this season.

7. It's only a season, and seasons come to an end.

It's so easy to get sucked into the pity party of "why me" and "things aren't going to change" but seasons always come to and end, allowing a new one to begin. Because of all the things I had been learning, I was ready for the clouds to break. I was broken and surrendered, which is the perfect place for God to start moving in and through you. I could've turned to any number of things to get over the hurt and sadness, but I turned to where my strength actually comes from. Now, I'm back in the School of Ministry and doors are opening that I didn't think would ever so much as crack. I was telling my dad about everything and described this new season as terrifyingly peaceful. Life is truly good now, but I can feel that something v even better is on the way.

Looking back, my friend Jacque was right. She told me it's easier to work on your character workout the crowd. It took a problem in public to get me to that point on both levels, but I'm walking it out. This journey isn't over. Yeah, people still keep their distance and blame me for the problems others are dealing with, but oh well. I know I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. Those whose opinions matter know I'm trying. That's what matters. I'm not doing this for the crowd. I'm doing it because it's right and phrases God. Everything and everyone else will fall into place on its own.