They're Only Chasing Safety To Find Healing: Chats With Underoath

A conversation has been rolling around my mind for the past couple weeks. Maybe it's because I'm wearing the shirt I bought that night, but I decided to share. I'm sure the other ones involved had no idea that what they were saying was so impactful in that moment because they are rockstars, I mean that seriously. I got to chat with Spencer Chamberlain and Aaron Gillespie from the band Underoath.

Underoath broke up a few years ago, but they got back together for this spring's Rebirth tour. They performed their albums "They're Only Chasing Safety" and "Define The Great Line" in their entirety, which had my high school self freaking out for months ahead of the concert. Ten-ish years ago, TOCS was one of my most played albums.

But there was one problem there: I never really payed much attention to the lyrics. I could scream along, but I never really thought about any meaning. Heck, in the weeks leading up to the concert, I realized I didn't really remember what the lyrics even were for the vast majority of the screamo parts.

With them coming to town, there was no way on earth I was going to show up and not know the words, so I looked them up. The lyrics were much deeper than anything I remembered, (which I've been noticing with several artists lately.)

Along came concert day and I was super excited. I got to spend the day with my littlest sister and meet up with some old friends to rock the night away. We moshed. We screamed. We reveled in the sweat and atmosphere. It was a dream come true.

After the show, one of my friends mentioned that he was supposed to meet the band thanks to a previous run in with Spencer. Being the great friend that I am (or weasel... whatever), I decided to tag along so he wouldn't have to wait alone. (I know John is cracking up reading that. He knows I just wanted to meet the band. Hanging out with him was a bonus.)

We waited for a while while the guys made their way around the small crowd that had gathered by their bus. Eventually, Spencer came back to us with Aaron. John had connected with Spencer while sharing about his suicide prevention project, #ConstantlyPositive, so he caught Aaron up to speed on it and his life. John, aka WhyteLyte wrote his life story into a couple minute long rap, which he performed for the two of them, and it sparked the conversation.

Basically, John's message is taking something bad that has happened to you and using it as an avenue to share about the hope he's found in Jesus and how God can use what other's see as weakness for good. In his case, it's cerebral palsy.

The band went through other challenges and struggles. Aaron said they lived through every word they wrote, but couldn't actually bring themselves to talk about it out loud because of all the shame and guilt. Spencer specifically said, "We wouldn't tell our family about this stuff, but we were able to write about it." That sentence really resonated with me because one of the biggest things that's help me back from talking or writing about what I've been through is knowing my dad would end up reading it and I didn't want him to have to deal with that knowledge. Then Aaron pulled on a thread that had never really occurred to me for some reason. "It was in writing about the struggles that we were able to heal, but not just ourselves. The songs brought healing for those who were going through similar battles. Everyone wants a soapbox, but in order to be on the soapbox, you have to be naked."

Boom.

I had already been feeling like it was time to write my story, but had been trying to chicken out. The enemy wants my voice silenced, but in opening up, it won't just heal me. As much as I'd like to think I'm over some things from years ago, my reaction to some news stories recently showed that it is not really the case. There is a difference between stable and fully healed.

Spencer and Aaron had no idea I had been wrestling with opening up and writing. Just because I know it's time doesn't make diving head first into those hurts any easier. But God used two guys I adored 10 years ago to confirm that I have to open up. Like Autumn said in class in December 2014, "You can be pretty or you can be free." It's time to choose freedom.

So, I'm preparing to let myself fall apart for a few days in June. I can't keep protecting people or my own reputation anymore. There may be a big ol' mob of judgement waiting for me when it's out on display, but if there is one person out there who gets a little strength from my story, then it will be worth it. My past will put my future in a different light for some people, just like reading the lyrics of TOCS with the knowledge of where they were in life at that time completely changes my view of the album. Now, it makes those words even more powerful. Spencer talked about how they've been able to touch people around the world through their music, including people who don't speak English. That's along the same lines of this blog, thanks to the readers around the world who keep checking in. This platform is only the beginning of my impact, which is incredibly frightening to think and type.

Underoath is right... we are all just chasing safety from the hurts of our past. While only God can truly provide the healing, sometimes we have to do a little bit of the ground work to facilitate His movement.

Thanks to Spencer and Aaron for being naked on their soapbox and sharing a few minutes with us after an amazing show.
 

Blindsided (AKA: The Devil Is A Jerkfaced Toolbag Who Needs To Go Away)

To say last week was rough is the understatement of the century. There were a ton of small things that left me frustrated, but the two things left me barely hanging on. Considering what was happening at the church over the weekend, there is only one reason for it. The devil is trying to distract me so I'll lose my footing.

The first blindside attack happened on Thursday. I had just told someone in class that I was going to skip my (free) Cirque De Soleil tickets to go to the Dustin Smith concert. When I walked out of class, I heard a very familiar voice, squealing what at first sounded like my name (and later realized it was someone else's name.) Right out side of the school stood my ex boyfriend/best friend.... the one I haven't talked to in two months, and since letting go, my life started falling into place.

Seeing his face was like a punch in the gut.

I'm not going to lie and say I kept my cool. I most certainly did not.

With nowhere to go, I ended up all but running to my car. I sat there for about 10 minutes, unable to breathe and trying not to puke. I was mad no one warned me. I was mad he was back in town at all. I was freaking out that I wasn't ready to be anywhere near him, considering the pattern of the past year. I am finally in a good place, and boom, I'm struggling to stay on my feet again.

I texted my battle buddies who know the situation, and thank God for those women! They all basically said the same thing. I'm on the right path, so distractions, destruction and tests are going to pop up. Jacque and I have had several conversations about how we were both on a loop where we'd get close to where we are supposed to be, but we'd screw up and have to take another lap, but lately, we've been taking the exits to keep moving forward. This was one of the forks in the road where I could jump back on the crazy loop or take the exit toward the good life. It's something Heather reminded me of as well, saying "don't fall into old traps." That reminded me of Patty praying for me the week before, specifically breaking old patterns. Rhonda called me and reminded me that this is my home and domain, and as such, I have the authority in this atmosphere. Right then, I decided that his presence was not going to get in my way.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. I both wanted to do something hurtful and yet make sure he's ok. It's a complicated feeling, but I now have the strength to stay away, knowing he's not part of my journey now. I took the exit instead of staying on the destructive loop. I questioned everything and had to push past some major bitterness and walls. (More on that momentarily.) Throughout the Thursday concert and Friday sessions of the conference, I constantly turned it over to God and kept reminding myself of the joy in my life right now and that he was not going to steal it.

But then came the major blindside.

In the middle of night service, they announced that my dear friend Jill had passed away.

I was running camera toward the front of the church, so I tried to keep it together, but failed. Dozens of people stared at me while tears streamed down my face until someone came to take over the camera. I joined a group of women in the foyer, holding each other and crying. Jill meant so much to us. I cried all night at work. I still cry about it. It still doesn't seem real that Jill is gone.

I met Jill at the beginning of my first actual service at World Revival Church. She was sitting in front of me, turned around and said, "You're new!" She immediately added me on facebook and told me that she felt like I belonged here. She had no idea that I had applied for jobs in other states that very morning.

Those first few weeks and months, Jill sent me updates on when services were, offering rides and saving seats whenever I could go. She introduced me to people who are now very dear friends and made sure I felt welcome and connected.

Jill was an amazing source of encouragement through all the ups and downs over the past (almost) two years. She supported my journey through ministry school. She pushed me write more whenever there was a gap in blog posts and reminded ever so often that I should start on that book. She was there for me the day of the crazy fight to make sure I was ok on all levels. I told her I felt like I needed to get a passport and she nagged me about taking steps toward it for a year. I never told her I had finally filed for it, and it arrived the same day she left the earth.

After leaving the church Friday night, I heard a song on the radio I have only ever heard on the pre/post service playlist called "Wake" by Hillsong: Young & Free. Whenever it came on at church and I was around Jill, I'd always do some crazy weird dance and she would say something along the lines of, "you know I love you since I'm still standing here while you do that." I broke down in tears hearing it on the radio, knowing I'll never be able to dance with her again and decided to play it on my show in her memory. Then, Saturday night, we had an amazing worship service. [Minor story detour: There were about three people between me and my ex. During "Spirit Break Out" I really felt like God was saying to let the bitterness go. I was still pretty upset that he was there, and had to remind myself that I control the atmosphere. We've been pushing for unity of faith and spirit, so his being there couldn't get in the way of the goal. I fought my way through it, and prayed for him. He was here for the conference for a reason, and hopefully that means he is getting help and healing too. I can't hold on to a grudge and be healed, and neither can he. Kingdom has to come first, and there was such a weight lifted during that song.] The worship set ended with "Wake." I'd never heard it live in church before either, so it hit me right in the feels. I grabbed another friend of Jill's who was nearby and said that she was with us in spirit. Instead of just crazy dancing with Jill, I let go and went full blown worship rage dance. There was so much healing in that moment, jumping around to a song that I connect with Jill, surrounded by a dancing group who also loved her and were grieving her loss,

There is a line in that song that really hit me during that moment of moshing. The song says "You're in my heart forever," which is true of this situation and reminded me of conversations with several other people. In sharing about how we met Jill and who she was to us, a couple strong women in my life said that we need to step up and fill her role. Jill saw people, not just in the physical, but she saw potential. Once she noticed the future in someone, she didn't let go. She loved people and went out of her way to care for them. She had a true servant's heart. Now we all need to step up and fill the void she left.

Honestly, I'm still struggling with how little time I spent with her over the past few months. My withdrawal from the world kept me isolated from her, followed by diving back in head first and having very little free time kept us apart lately. She had facebook messaged the group that morning, but I was at work and never responded. That haunts me. Several people have individually told me not to let that voice of guilt take root. She loved me and knew that this season of being on the right path again involves a heavy load. Our last conversation was Easter Sunday after I fell asleep a couple times in service and decided to go home. She was on camera, so we had a quick hug and she told me to get some rest and we'd see each other later. I just never made that happen.

I have so many memories with Jill... from her surprise birthday party, to helping me move in a heat advisory, to Catch Phrase on Christmas, to being on media, to just chatting at a restaurant. She didn't just tolerate my weirdness, she enjoyed it. Even though she loved Ohio State and the Cardinals, while I'm a Michigan and Tigers girl (which we debated frequently), we could look past our differences and still get along (yes, that sounds crazy, but the UM/OSU rivalry runs deep, y'all.) If I had a bad day, she would sneak a pack of Oreos into my car/ my saved seat at church/ leave them outside my apartment, even though she often lectured me about my ridiculously unhealthy sugar addiction.

I still keep waiting for her to sneak up on me at church and smack or kick me in the butt. I keep waiting to hear a story that starts and ends with "God is so cool." I miss my friend dearly, but I know she is in a better place. Jill brought us together in the first place, and the group hadn't been together as much as in the past, but she is bringing us all together again. We will get through this together, no matter what distractions the devil throws at us. The last thing she would want for her friends is for them to be distracted by an attack from the devil, especially one involving her.

We love you, Jill.