Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Sticking With Sobriety After 18 Months Without Alcohol

Here's a sentence I never thought I'd ever write: Today marks 18 months of sobriety.

I never thought I'd write it because I never planned to drink alcohol in the first place. Once I got rolling on the river of booze during my senior year of college, I didn't expect to give it up. It was an easy way to deal with the stress and hurts that happened during my early 20's. (That's another strange thought... I'm not in my early 20's anymore! Eep!) I didn't realize I was self-medicating with alcohol until after I had cut it off.

I don't know if I'm more surprised at how fast this year and a half flew by or that I actually stuck with the decision to give up drinking.

There have been so many nights where all I wanted was a big bottle of Kraken or a six-pack of Boulevard Wheat so I could put the drama into a haze for a while and breathe. This year especially was filled with losses and such painful moments that had I picked up a bottle, it would not have ended well in the slightest. However, not all of the challenges were based on avoiding feelings. Several of my drinking buddies got married and had booze-a-plenty at the receptions, but I made it through sober. There were parties and concerts, but I opted for Dr. Pepper instead. I didn't even crack open the bottle of vodka a friend gave me or one left on my desk by a PR team. I stayed strong.

The questions that came up repeatedly were how and why didn't I give in.

Honestly, there were days when literally the only reason why I didn't was because of the contract I signed as part of the School of Ministry. That was it. I didn't want to break the rules. But then, during the summer and right now, I took some time off from school to rest. That means no more code of conduct, but I have still stayed sober. There is the obvious reason for that, which is I gave it up for God. In that moment at the Encounter Conference, I knew that He was calling me to give it up. I just assumed that the reason was because it's generally viewed as wrong in the Christian community.

Now, I see now that a bigger piece of that reason was to reach people. I've shared my story on stage to a streaming community around the world, through this blog, and in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I know my story has impacted at least two people to give up alcohol as well, and there is a third that I really hope will listen soon. The thought of impacting people's lives like that because I made one decision to follow a calling is a little overwhelming.

Plus, all that exposure keeps you honest. There is this voice in the back of my head reminding me that if I were to drink, I'd be just another hypocritical Christian. I try really hard to not add to that mess. I saw this quote meme online saying something along the lines of "God didn't give you the strength to stand up so you could run back to the thing that knocked you down." Standing strong is a battle, but one I can't afford to lose because I don't want to reflect badly on God and those who serve Him along with me.

The past 18 months have been a challenge, and I'm sure sticking with this in the months ahead will present themselves with similar problems, but it's a challenge I will overcome. I know where my strength comes from.

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland

Worship Through The Pain; God Is Still There Through The Hardest Moments

I've been procrastinating this post long enough. I keep saying I'll write it after I do my homework, but that isn't going anywhere this week, so here goes.

September was a really rough month for me, and I'm incredibly glad it's over.

It all started the morning of the first when a very important relationship in my life blew up in spectacularly dramatic fashion. Break-ups are hard enough, but the way it crumbled around me left me crushed and isolated. If it would have ended that day, maybe the month would have felt differently, but that's not how life goes. Every time I thought the situation was improving, there was a sudden twist back to Suckytown waiting at the next step. One of those rocked my world with pain that eclipsed the initial heartbreak, but I never really mentioned it to others outside the situation. That's all I'll say about that, so, moving on!

Toward the end of the month, my Grandpa passed away. My dad left a message on Facebook to call him after I was done with wedding rehearsals. After a couple rounds of phone tag, I finally got a hold of him for the update. He put me on speakerphone and I got to tell Grandpa I loved him one last time. I asked him to hold on for nine more days for my previously planned surprise visit, but he was gone within five minutes of the call ending. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night.

By that point, I was just ready for this train wreck of a month to end. With two days left in September, Pastor Eric Thomasson preached something during chapel that I needed to hear. He said, "Worship through the pain. Sing with a little anger." He talked about how just because we don't feel like doing something for God, doesn't mean we get to give him less than our best. "You don't do it because you feel like it, guys. You do it because it's right," Eric said. "God gets the most glory out of people who don't feel adequate to do what God has called them to do, but do it anyway." Pastor Eric went on to talk about not letting seasons in life dictate who God is and using whatever pain we are struggling with as ammunition through the darkness straight to the heart of God. (See, I was paying attention despite my phone going off! Ha!) Not only was I paying attention then, but I though about the concept all week.

Friday rolled around and I went to church as usual. Right before service, I was informed that my attempt at being nice was twisted, and I about lost my cool. As my eyes welled up, the woman told me not to let it ruin my night. Pastor Eric's words came back to my mind. "Sing with a little anger." In that moment, I had more than a little fuel and I fully intended to use it.

So that's what I did, and dang, did it ever work. It took a couple minutes and a lot of focus, but worshiping THROUGH the pain broke off that anger. Maybe we shook it off with our awkward jumping trio, but I found myself smiling and laughing again without forcing it.

During worship, Pastor Eric said, "Don't fear this new season. The new season will bring a brighter day." He kept trying to talk, but the world's worst feedback took over. The devil really didn't want that message sinking in, but I grabbed on to it.

Then later, Pastor James had one woman go to the front because how she was worshiping after everything she's been through in life took his breath away. Before he even finished saying what he was going to have her do, Esther pushed me and said "go." I didn't move. Pastor James said he wanted her to pray for women who were going through a tough time. Esther shoved me again, but that time I went forward. Lots of tears later, the woman next to me grabbed my knee and squeezed. I have never talked to this woman, but I wrapped an arm around her and we just sat there, soaking in the strength in that moment.

Pastor James talked about how storms reveal our foundation, but there will always be a morning. "It's in knowing God that we will be able to stand through any storm." So, I decided then, this seemingly never-ending storm sucks, but it's not going to ruin what's ahead for me.

All of this drama and loss distracted me from all the good that's been happening around me throughout the month. I started a promotion at my primary job, and have had a complete blast with it. My schedule changed to a four day work week, which is pretty fantastic. I got a raise at my part time job. I jumped back into WRSM. I got to stand next to a friend of 17 years as she started a new chapter in her life with the most fun wedding I've ever been to. I spent time catching up with old friends and made fantastic new ones. I went camping, fed bison, and moved a massive tree branch on my own.

Even with my grandpa's death, there is good. He isn't in pain anymore. I'm pretty lucky that I made it to 26 years old before I lost the first grandparent. I already had a trip home planned, but he gave me more time with family. (Granted, being in the house without him is strange as all get out!) Heather messaged me out of the blue and said, "Your grandpa now watches you from above and is encouraging you with his love." I think that's pretty true considering how proud he looked when he found out I was in ministry school during my last visit.

There was so much good in this month, but I let the bad overpower the positive. The biggest positive of all is that I'm still standing. September wasn't just hard on me. There were a lot of people going through major trials at the same time, and we are all still standing because of how we handled the problem and where we placed our faith.

I didn't want to leave service that Friday night, but before I ran off to work, I hugged Dean'na. After a moment, she said, "You aren't leaving. You have too much to do here." I already gained so much peace and freedom throughout the service, but she just added on to it. I may not know exactly what role lies ahead, but I am certainly not going to let jerkwads and drama keep me from it. I'm not going to let anger and bitterness toward them block me out of God's next move, so I pray for them and for the strength to not go back to that place of darkness.

Like Pastor Eric said in chapel, "If you aren't satisfied, you are in a good place. Satisfaction leads to complacency." I'm not satisfied with where I am, but I'm also not going to let the storm steal the joy and goodness of God that is surrounding me on this journey.

I think we both knew that my visit in January would be the last time we saw each other. He wasn't expected to live long enough for me to get there then, but I got to pray for him and he lasted another 8 months. When I told him it was time for me to go, he grabbed onto me with both hands. They said he cried once I left, and so did I.
I missed seeing him again this time by 9 days. 
Lyle Carr was quite the character and an amazing man. I'm so blessed to call him my family. We miss you so much, Grandpa! 

11/1/26 - 9/25/15

Removing branches of fruitless relationships from life, no matter how painful and challenging

I haven't felt like I've had anything worthwhile to say lately. It's just one of the fruits that shriveled up over this summer. The seasons are changing in so many ways, and I simply must share. Trust me, this all weaves together.

About a month ago, I went back to where I grew up for a wedding. My date and I planned to camp out in the backyard of the now vacant home I once lived in. Since it's been empty for more than a year, there were plants blocking the stairs to the deck and we didn't feel like risking poison ivy in the dark.

Instead, we sat and enjoyed the clear view of the stars and start of the Perseid meteor shower for a while, then got a hotel in town. It turned out to be a good thing because a pretty strong storm rolled through that night.

I didn't realize how lucky we were until yesterday, when I stopped by and saw branches down all over the place. The biggest one would have landed on my car had we stayed.

I blew it off as "nothing I can do now" and carried on with the evening's plans.

Those plans happened to be the most tame bachelorette party ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

The week before was incredibly difficult. I was coming off a profoundly painful end to a cherished relationship, but I was bound and determined to not be a Debbie downer at this party.

The bride and I have known each other about 17 years now. We grew up about a mile apart, which was the one end of our tiny town to the other and went to college together, also pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Camping on her family's ranch was a no-brainer for the party.

Several times throughout the night, I'd glance up at the sky. It was a crystal clear night, so we could see the Milky Way, some meteors bringing up the rear of the Perseid shower, and thousands of stars. It was astoundingly beautiful. When I was a kid and had something on my mind, I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. I'd sit on the front porch, stare at Orion and send my stress to the stars. I felt like this party was the same thing. Not only was I sending all the stress and hurt to the sky, it was flying away with meteors as I made wishes for this new chapter of life. It was so therapeutic and relaxing, I was able to double my sleep for the week in just one night.

This morning, I wanted to stall in town to visit the pizza shop, so I decided I'd earn some brownie points with the parents and try to clear up some of the branches. I definitely did not think this job through, but God sent me there for another reason.

The broken, dead branch was about 10-12 feet long, and about a foot in diameter at the base. Needless to say, it weighed a lot. It was caught on a lower-hanging branch and would not budge. The next 20 minutes was full of pushing, pulling, jumping, falling down, general frustration, and momentarily giving up several times. I thought to myself, "I have nothing but my body and pure, stubborn determination. I am going to get this thing cleared out of the front yard if it's the last thing I do."

Epiphany moment: that's the attitude I needed to have with the relationship.

While part of me stubbornly wanted to fix things, I was still aware that it was fruitless, broken and dead. , Unfortunately, you can't fix dead or put splinters back together.

Moving the massive branch required a lot of work and pain, but eventually, I got it loose and realized how big it really was. I almost quit again just looking at it. But then, there was this quiet little voice that said, "One piece at a time. One step at a time."  It wasn't remotely easy to do. The sharp splinters slashed my legs open. My sweat mixed with the scratches and stung, but I kept going. As I broke off smaller branches, the burden of the trunk became light enough that I could drag it.

When I got to the gate, I had to break off even more, narrowing the trunk down so it could fit through. In that moment, I found myself thinking about how nice it would be to have tools instead of just my bare hands. That voice popped up again, saying, "You have the tools to remove the dead relationship." Boom. I remembered Mary saying that when things get tough, dig in with your "kitty cat claws and don't let go." That's what I did. It was exhausting and painful, but I dragged the trunk up the slight hill and got it into the pile.

Mission accomplished.

I went back to the front yard to attack the bottom branch and realized it is still in tact. It bent from the weight of the dead piece, but did not break.

Voice: "You are that branch."

A few quotes came to mind right about then.
   1. A line from a P!nk song: "You're not broken just bent/And we can learn to love again." (Cheesy, I know.)
   2. John 15:2: "He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more."
   3. A message Autumn sent me about the situation: "I know you can live up to your calling and make Jesus proud of your strength, resilience, grace and life of honor and purpose. Stop living below your calling! You've got stuff to do that doesn't involve this silliness. Rise up, stand up and live for the one who gave everything for you."

The cuts will heal. The stinging will stop. Strength will replace the droopiness of exhaustion.

The living branch will still be there. With the dead weight pruned away, it will grow up toward the sun again. It will be fruitful.

Cementing this point, "Stronger" by Mandisa came on the radio as I started driving back home.

I'm getting back on track. This is going to make me stronger.

One Year Since The Revival Journey Began

It's hard to believe a whole year has passed since I walked through the doors of World Revival Church for Dustin Smith's live recording. I could believe six months, but not a year. Maybe it's because I've routinely been awake for two days straight that it doesn't seem possible, but this is reality.

I don't know that I can put it into words how much my life has changed over 365 days. If you put that version of me next to who I am today, I don't think you would even realize they were the same person. It's hard to even write about that person because she is so far removed from my life, I don't know who she was. She was an angry, emotional mess.

But now, I'm a different kind of emotional mess. There is a new softness, which actually bugged me at first. It's not a good trait for my day job, with all the death and destruction I see and write about on a daily basis. Now, I cry over stories. Number one on Heather's list of questions is who did you see? Now I look at people in a slightly different light. Don't take that as claim perfection, because I still struggle with being patient and compassionate with those who are rude, but I don't get so angry about customers and callers who need extra attention.

My coworkers will tell you I'm a heck of a lot nicer and easier to work with now. One new manager was told all about who I used to be when she started. Later, she informed me of the warnings she received and said she didn't see it. Progress.

God blessed me so much during this year. I got a new car, new apartment, more responsibility at work, and a great group of people around me. I've learned so much in school and in church. 

This year has been a challenge, especially the past few months, but God has given me the strength to hold on and surrounded me with people who fight for me when I need it. There aren't words to explain how thankful I am for the amazing friend who have spoken life and strength over me or enjoyed a night of laughter and shenanigans. I haven't felt like writing lately, since all of my energy has one into just surviving each day. But then there is this hope I don't think I've ever really had before. The situations of the past couple months are only temporary. My God is a good Father who wants nothing but good for his children. The enemy is on the prowl, but he will not win because God is greater.

 Who knows what the next year will bring, but I'm about to find out.

Restoration

I feel different today.

Something definitely shifted last night (yes it's after midnight, but it's still Sunday to me) at the Restore Conference, but it had been building up all throughout the day.

After a lengthy text battle, (and by lengthy, I mean I maxed out the characters for the first time EVER), losing trust in some people, and a rough morning at work, I was beyond frustrated and annoyed. The chef on the show brought alcohol for us, and I seriously considered day drinking with my co-workers instead of going to the conference's day session. There was talk of other shenanigans landing more on the side of debauchery than I should even be thinking about and ways to be a jerk. Somehow, I stuck to my guns and went to church.

By the time I got there, Pastor Steve had already started teaching, but it was hard to shake the morning and focus. A couple quotes stood out to me. "God does not abandon the wreck. He restores it," and, "Allegiance and obedience will spark the glory of God as disobedience leaves." The second goes along with what teachers and leaders were saying last quarter. It's time to step up. This first week of third quarter proved that there is no other option right now. There is already more homework and the classes are definitely going to stretch us.

Once the session was over, I chatted with one of the women of the church who is a solid friend and gives me kind of mom-like advice from time to time. We talked about some struggles and opportunities in our lives, and she gave me something to think about in dealing with the drama.

Saturday nights are normally the most powerful of a conference weekend, so I made sure I would be in the service and was close to the front. I could feel it was going to be a big night for me.

Pastor Kathy was preaching on "capturing the thief" and focused on three in particular. The first was the thief of hope because, "hope is what your faith is connected to." That's a topic that's been coming up a lot lately, so maybe it will become it's own post. After reading Proverbs 13:12, which says, "Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life," then she started praying for people to get their hope back.

Her second thief hit me hard the second she said the words, thief of innocence. It got me because the woman I talked to earlier lead a small group studying Pastor Kathy's book, "Innocence Restored." I read it nearly a year ago, and after our chat, thought a moment about reading it again. Honestly, my notes are pretty dang sparse in that section, surprisingly. When Pastor Kathy called for people to come forward so she could pray for them, I stayed back for a moment. But the Holy Spirit nudged me with a slight threat, "go or she's coming to you." So I went, but I have no idea how to even begin to describe being in that group. Later, when Pastor Steve said that a surprising number of people he was going to have Pastor Kathy pray for came up in the second group, I couldn't help but giggle at how I tried to be stubborn for no good reason.

Just for the record, the third thief she preached on was the thief of time, because only God can restore years.

Prayer time sheet the sermon was also powerful. One of the songs the band played during that time says, "I will not let this moment pass me by. I throw myself into your arms of life. So speak your faithful word a thousand times. I come alive." That's how I felt. I am hanging onto this moment and fighting to get where I'm supposed to be. I'm not letting this powerful night just slip through my fingers.

Despite leaving church after 11:30 p.m. and having to be at work before the butt crack of dawn, I went to a bonfire witha few friends after service. Words can't really describe how nice it was to have a night with no drama, frustration or anger. Just a peaceful night, eating and laughing by a fire. It's been 24 hours and my hair still smells like smoke,  but I'm OK with it. It's a reminder of a great night with fantastic people.

That flowed over into today in a peace and joy I haven't felt in a long time. Even the music on the radio and on shuffle went along with the vibe of new beginnings and new happiness. The drama of the past month isn't weighing me down anymore. God is nothing but good, so I know everything will work out beautifully. I know storms will come, but for now, I'm enjoying the sunshine and the rainbow.

Letting Go And Letting God

To say this past week started out on a sour note is putting it lightly.

I won't say what happened, since even the most vague of explanations would imply who else was involved, and I don't want it to be any more distracting than the situation already is. Just embrace the fact that I was in a total ginger rage for a couple days. It probably didn't help that I worked a ton and barely ate during that time. (Like, I'm talking 4 Oreos and 5 pretzels in nearly 40 hours kind of not eating.)

But then, along came Wednesday.

I was so excited to get through the day, and finally have two days off in a row. I got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Womp womp. The series of events that followed were frustrating, yet absolutely hilarious (and too long to include.) In the end, it took four journalists and a gallon of gas to not only get my car started, but to start shaking off the grump that had overtaken my week.

During my break at my part-time job, I decided to catch up on the One Year Bible reading I started with some friends, but seriously slacked off. The first day I went through included Proverbs 5:12-14, which says, "You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings. Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” It really got under my skin because of the situation. Those most directly involved, including myself, were given instruction, advice, and warnings. We acknowledged that most of it made sense. But, yet, we ignored it. Ignoring the warning ended up carrying a heavy price and became a distraction to the public around us. The annoyance of the whole thing was also trying to turn into anger and bitterness, but I know I can't let that take hold.

So, I did the only thing left to do in the situation: let go and give it to God. I can't waste my time worrying about the situation. I am still concerned for those involved because I do care about them, but I can't let the problem become the focus of my life. Yes, the situation still bugs me and gets under my skin, but I had to let as much go as I could before it made things worse.

Thursday, I spent the day off doing things I keep saying I'm going to do. I joined a gym, went for a walk in the sunshine, spent time with a friend, cleaned my car and apartment, read my Bible, did my hair and went to prayer service. Friday, I went to a work meeting, hit the gym again, had a great lunch and chat with a friend, and started trying new things. As simple as it is, trying something different, like red lipstick and different hair products, on top of working out really helped to shift my mood. More time in the Bible was changing my perspective. I was on camera Friday night, so I only caught part of it, but Pastor Kathy preached on the goodness of God. It reminded me, again, to stop looking at the problem. Stop looking at the hurt. Focus on the bigger picture. This situation is only temporary, but God's goodness is permanent. Whatever happens and comes next will be good because that's what he promised. Psalm 27:13 says, "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

I'm still living so there is still goodness ahead. I'm trying to focus on the good happening around me every day, like going to Planet Comicon, meeting one of my favorite authors, and getting free ice cream. There are still moments I am bummed or angry, but they are more spaced out now. I refuse to let the enemy distract me and get me off track,

School starts tomorrow, so it's time to buckle down and get focused again.

Second Quarter Quotes

Now that I've slept for about a week straight to kinda sorta catch up on all the rest I missed the past 8, it's time to put a bow on winter quarter at the World Revival School of Ministry. For some reason, it feels like it lasted forever. That's probably because it was an incredibly bumpy few weeks outside the classroom. Or it might have been the enemy attacking since we were covering such important topics. Each class was its own unique blend of wisdom, powerful moments and laughter, but each class changed us deeply. I just went through my notes and typed out most of the quotes I wrote down. They aren't in any particular order, other than grouped by serious and hilarious. There are a lot, but a lot happened during those 120 hours we spent in the classroom. I hope at least one quote helps you through whatever is going on in your life.

• "We don't let the enemy drag us where we don't want to go." - Autumn Darden
• "Survival isn't dignified. Do you want to be pretty or free?" - Autumn
• "Grace of God is an empowerment. It's not mush-gushy. 'I still love you anyway' is not grace. That's mercy." - Autumn
• "God wants us to BE better, not DO better." - Autumn
• "Hungry people don't care about you. They want help." - Pastor Steve Gray
• "We don't want to be the people who say 'This is who I am.'" - Pastor Steve
• "Things are happening while you are sitting here thinking about what you are going to have for lunch!" - Pastor Steve
• "Don't start asking if you don't have any honor or respect for Him." - Autumn
• "Everything that can be shaken, will be shaken." - Autumn
• "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." - Autumn
• Anything you don't expect is there to shake you." - Autumn
• "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and are doing it wrong." - Autumn
• "We don't want an emotional response. We want a Word response because that's what changes your life forever." - Pastor Steve
• "If you don't respond, He'll quit speaking to you." - Pastor Steve
• "When it's all about you, it's hard to be happy." - Autumn
• "Prayer is easy when you recognize Him as supreme ruler." - Autumn
• "America is Martha. We don't know how to be Mary because we think Mary is lazy." - Autumn
• "Hypocrisy in religion causes you to be lower. It pushes down. It doesn't pull up." - Autumn
• "Wanna see more miracles? Respond to the word you've been given." - Autumn
• "God doesn't like a shortcut relationship. Good enough is not good enough. It's an attitude that there's no excellence put into it." - Pastor Eric Thomason
• "It's the 'nevers' that cause us to be greater because eventually, you'll end up doing it. Don't ever short change God in your life and say 'I'll never do that' or 'I'm not good enough.'" - Pastor Eric
• "Don't be mad at the world for being the world!" - Pastor Eric
• "Don't get impatient with God. With God it is about the journey, because when you find fulfillment, the seeking is over. The journey ends when you are dead." - Pastor Eric
• "If you notice God isn't speaking, you've either gone too fast and need to back and let him walk you through it, or you've stopped praying." - Pastor Eric
• "You need to recognize what is in you will bring life to a dying world. It will bring light to the darkness." - Pastor Tom Trout
• "The battle for recognition is easy. Throw yourself into Jesus." - Pastor Tom
• "Worship needs to reinforce, powerfully, the truth of God." - Pastor Tom
• "Whenever you say yes to God and no to the world, you are putting the enemy under your feet. There's an escalation there." Pastor Tom
• "You can't self-deliver you. Deliverance is something only God can do." - Pastor Tom
• "Do they walk away from their experience with you blessed? Or do they walk away from their experience with you drained?" - Pastor Tom
• "Your perspective dictates your response. You base your response on what you see." - Pastor Dustin Smith
• "We've been taught in church to sing, not to see. We've been taught that silence equals reverence." - Pastor Dustin
• "Commands are for me to experience the benefits of God. Traditions only allow me to experience people." - Pastor Dustin
• "You don't give thanks ahead of time because you don't have it, but giving thanks ahead of time shows we know we already have it." - Pastor Dustin
• Pastor Dustin's acronym for Worship = Worth & Warfare, One focus, Response, Shifts atmospheres, Honor, Invigorating, Purpose & People
• "The best way to be responsive in worship is to ask to be sensitive to what to respond to." - Pastor Dustin
• "When your worship is just rules made by man, it brings no life." - Pastor Dustin
• "You can have your eyes fixed on the monster, but I prefere to look at the growing fire that consumes the monster." - Pastor Tom
• "Each one of us, because we are human, are like a fingerprint of God, and a fingerprint is a form of identification." - Pastor Tom
• "Prayer and action go hand in hand. It's not something we do. Prayer is who we are." - Pastor Diana Trout
• "In order to do something with your life, your going to have to get off the path of least resistance." - Pastor James Koppang
• "Walking with God is more important than being blessed by God." - Pastor James
• "You are blessed to be a blessing." - Pastor James
• "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." - Pastor James
• "Don't be an idiot." - Pastor James
• "People are moved more by the weather than by the Holy Spirit. That's why God lets the weather get out of control so they will ask the Holy Spirit for help." - Heather Eschenbaum
• "There is always going to be a mocker or two, so don't get bummed." - Pastor Kathy Gray
• "Perfectionism kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the blessing." - Heather
• "Perfectionism, you need to recognize it in yourself as a flaw." - Heather
• "Looking inward causes people to die around you. Introspection causes harm." - Heather
• "Evaluation is important in a moment, not a lifestyle." - Heather
• "God is like, 'Stop talking to my enemy and I'll kill it.'" - Heather
• "The mistakes will never stop. Mistakes will never stop until you are in heaven. Your mistakes should spread out. Prefectionism takes you back to the start." - Heather
• "It's golidlocks syndrome. You're either too young or too old. You'll never be just right." - Heather
• "If we already had it, it wouldn't be called hope." - Pastor Kathy
• "He's not looking to make your life hard. He's looking to be a part of it." - Heather
• "It's not about the bar. It's not about the club. It's what's been birthed in you to get you to that point." - Heather
• "If Mary had been concerned about having a boyfriend or getting married, she would have missed a move of God." - Heather
• "You don't really love him. You're in love with love." - Heather
• "Type A people, don't be driven. Type B people, come up." - Heather
• "Word of wisdom rises above common sense. It's divine." - Heather
• "Elijah was looking for heart. The guy with the mantle was looking for hearts." - Heather
• "You are on an accelerated path with your mantle. This is an Olympic training center. You are being trained for the Olympics of God." - Heather
• "Don't let the enemy cover you in the things that aren't of God." - Heather
• "People leave because they don't want to have to change anymore. The people who succeed are the ones who transform from glory to glory in Jesus." - Heather
• "If you want to live a spiritual life, stop talking about the things you don't have and talk about the things you do."
• "You never lose in the Kingdom of God by giving what you have." - Pastor Kathy
• "It is a rare breed who do not get offended by the Word. It's ok to feel a response. It's another thing to feel offense." - Heather
• "Elisha didn't find the mantle. The mantle found him. God looks for true leaders in the field of obscurity." - Heather
• "What has God called you to? He's called you to more." - Heather

But not every moment was serious. Sometimes, things just got silly. Some might be 'had to be there' moments, but they cracked us up like none other.

• "What are you going to give up for lent? Uh... lent!" - Pastor Steve
• "We've been freed in Christ, yeah, but not freed to be an idiot!" - Pastor Eric
• "We are a car one moment an a monster the next!' Pastor Diana (on transforming our passions back and forth)
• "Knowing the capitals of all the states is not going to help me in my life. Ever." - Pastor James
• "To squander our time is borderline sin. I won't go all the way and say it's sin because then you can't quote me! I said borderline!" - Pastor James
• "I'm sorry son. You can't see, but your mother really likes her hair." - Pastor James (on financial priorities)
• "At some point, you're going to have to ask her to marry you. If that's your first conversation, that's weird!" - Pastor James
• "Did you just say you are happier when Trevor shuts up?" - Kimi "Now THAT is funny!" - Pastor Diana
• "That would be borderline hell for me, having a Q & A with you guys." - Pastor James
• "I go talk to the people who are smiling. If they are frowning, pffft! Unless I feel like I need to go check on them, because I'm a PASTOR!" - Pastor James
• Don't 'woooaaah' me! 'Wooooaaahh' God... If you're feeling saucy today." - Pastor James
• "Healthy does not mean a size one... girls! You might wanna have a little extra on ya for the winter!" - Pastor James
• "I realize eating gallons of gummy worms is not good, but they're so good." - Pastor James
• "Your wife has every liberty to comment on how you're maybe becoming overweight. You have zero to say to her. Like Nazi! Communist! DO NOT!" - Pastor James
• "Somebody, Dustin, introduced me to 24. He didn't tell me it was like crack! I can't label it anything other than straight pagan!" - Pastor James
• "Pastor Steve and Kathy are not type A. They are type Jesus." - Heather
• "You cannot be this happy and be a perfectionist, like Rainbow Brite comin' outta ya!" - Heather
• "He's so comfy. He's like a big sack of potatoes." - Pastor Kathy (about her cat)
• "Being single is a gift. Write that down!" - Heather
• "Holy Spirit Mafia." - Pastor Kathy
• "No, you want her poor little mind to explode!" - Heather
• "I'm trying to break open your minds and reach my hand in and pull something out. Don't make me do it for real!" - Heather
• "Is that a man you want to raise children with? 'But he's hot.' Well, then your children will be pretty punks." - Heather

Valentines, Savoring Singlehood, and the Love of God

Since it's Valentine's Day, it seems like a good time to share from the plethora of relationship advice that's been flowing out at school and church. Maybe the approaching holiday that stirred the Spirit so much on the topic. That, or someone just really wasn't getting the point. As hilarious and wise as the relationship chats were, it's also been brutal. I'm ready for it to be done.

I'm going to blame Pastor James Koppang for starting this, since it is part of his class and he hit it first. His class on dating was hilarious. I didn't write down many of his quotes because I was laughing so hard. I did write down my own little piece of humor. Early on, Pastor James mention knights in shining armor not always being what they seem, so I wrote down a little gem for the lucky friends sitting next to me. (Pictured to the right.) Mad giggling ensued.

Pastor James did have some interesting thoughts on dating. He listed three things to look for.
   - 1. Do they love God in a way that makes them soft-hearted, teachable, moldable and open to God moving?
   - 2. Do you have fun together? Fun sparks are more important than the romantic variety.
   - 3. Am I somewhat attracted to them? (Because you aren't really going to care in 5 years.)

That last point ended up convicting me quite a bit later in the week. A decently good looking guy came into the bookstore I work in and bought a Bible. We talked for about 20 minutes about faith and the perception of Christians in the workplace. It was a great talk and he seemed really nice. At one point, I caught myself thinking, "if only he was taller." I have had a thing for tall guys for years, but should that really be a deal-breaker? I text one of my friends about it, "How many times have I blown off a possibly good guy because he didn't meet my shallow physical 'requirements?' I want a tall guy for entirely selfish reasons, and that isn't love." The answer is more than I really want to even think about. Attraction is important, but not an end-all, be all. In the words of Heather Eschenbaum, "Is that a man you want to raise your children with? But he's hot? Well, then, your children will be pretty punks."

Pastor James also argued against dating at all because people don't act like themselves, you can't tell if you are even friends in the cloud of romance, and it sets a pattern for divorce. One thing he said that really stuck out was, "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." It is so true on so many levels. Just let that sink in.

Heather and Autumn's classes the next day felt like a total beat down. I thought I took notes, but apparently I didn't. It was that level crazy intense. They focused on first of all, not being stupid, as well as how rushing to get married just to be in that relationship can end up with you marrying a loser who steals your destiny. Very heavy stuff. It carried into Pastor Kathy's sermon that night, when she talked about marriage not being the goal. The goal is to get married to serve God together. I feel like girls lose track of that and put too much self-worth in marital status, myself included from time to time. It's an obnoxious cycle.

Several of us thought and hoped we were done with the relationship talk that weekend... but no. It came up again Friday in Heather's class. Heather made another perspective altering point. What if  you are single now because God wants to spend time with you? Taking time to be set apart means you aren't dating in your mind at the same time. It seems obvious, but it just isn't really done. Girls talk about guys all the time. Even in my group at school, we say all the time that we aren't dating, but yet we are still looking and talking about it.

That leads up to Pastor Kathy's sermon Friday night, where she talked about maturity in relationships and operating in the love of God, not the fluffy shallow version of love our society looks for. Of course, we focused on the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13, which we really should be thinking about. Love is powerful, yet we throw that word around like it means nothing. We love pizza. We love a certain TV show. We say we love people in our lives, but do we really? Are we patient and kind, not just to those we are dating or married to, but to friends and strangers? Or are we jealous, proud and rude in our relationships? Are we really showing what it's like to chose to love people the way God loves us? Something to think about.

Yes, Valentine's Day is a dumb holiday, but I've never been one to really ignore it, no matter the relationship status. It's always been a good day to love on people, like in middle school, when my friends and I planned an auction to benefit a cancer patient we knew. It's a good day to think on what love is and what it is not. This day marks two years since I escaped my last long-term relationship, which was incredibly toxic. That really changed how I look at relationships and what I want in my life. This year, I'm spending the day with amazing friends who are running after Christ along with me. It's a much better life decision than whining about not having a boyfriend or husband. Plus, there is chocolate!

Don't Be Shaken

The struggle is real.

I don't know how many times I've clicked on "new post" or opened my journal but nothing makes it onto the page. It's not like nothing is happening. January was a whirlwind month on so many levels, but nothing would come out. I even started this post a week ago and just never could finish it. I've tried so many times, I don't remember where I was going with it, so I'm just going to let it be and move on.

Maybe it's the weight of everything that happened and the words spoken that's made it hard to write about. I've felt like some big change is on its way for a little while, and that was really confirmed over the past two weeks. As I started writing this, I was streaming service from World Revival Church. Pastor Steve Gray just mentioned preparing by getting passports, which has been on my mind for a while. This is on the heels of Pastor Steve declaring at the women's conference, "The lion has roared" and Autumn really pushing the students to be more disciplined, eliminate options, and to know who we are so we won't be shaken.

Right now feels like the shakedown. So many of my friends and I have been fighting through a myriad of struggles and attacks. It sucks that it is all at the same time. It makes us harder to be there for each other when we have our own problems. It pulls us out of community, which is one of the places we draw strength. That is to be expected since we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. He isn't going to make things easy for us in the slightest. But we will overcome because Yahweh is with us. A couple things Autumn said in class last Friday that stood out were, "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and you are doing it wrong" and, "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." Of course, that night, Pastor Eric introduced a new song with the line, "shake everything that can be shaken." The classmate I sat with and I could not get through the line without giggling. (Of course, as I wrap this post up, the church is singing it again.) Pastor Tom's sermon hit on a lot of the major points from the week's classes, affirming everything we had been talking about. Something big is coming... the season is changing. But in order to get to the change, we have to fight to hold on... fight to stand our ground. We will not be shaken.