A Change of Perspective with the End of 2018

I wasn't going to write anything about 2018 because it felt like an eternally long garbage fire. I mean, how many of you honestly remember we had an Olympic games less than 12 months ago? Don't lie. You forgot too.

Initially when I thought about 2018, the negative things came to mind first. I mean, if you've been on this journey with me, you know I lost two grandparents, a rower and a legend. (Make fun of me all you want for being so upset about Stan Lee. I don't care. He was a great dude.) I suffered through a job I despised. I struggled with some people's place in my life and tried to hang on to what was long after they showed their true colors. Then, I moved 500 miles away from everyone I know and that daily loneliness it freaking tough. Garbage fire.

But then, in the midst of everyone's top nine's I saw this on social media and it got me thinking:

 Ok, Marcandangel, you might have a point there. I started digging through pictures to make a top 9 grid of good things and had an interesting thought, which became a top 9 picture of rough moments with silver linings.

In losing two grandparents in two months, I spent a decent amount of time going through their old pictures and papers. It was bittersweet to find pieces of their pasts and get to know them a little better outside of their role as my family.  I also got to spend some time with all of my cousins on one side for the first time in ages, and even meet one's son for the first time.

With the rough patch of someone walking out of my life, I ended up getting to share San Diego Comic-Con with two fantastic people, my little sister and my friend Rhonda. Rhonda and I got a picture with Henry Ian Cusick, and totally missed the part where we just talked to the guy who played Zack Morris on "Saved By the Bell." Oy. But we laughed so dang hard while hauling all the gear around and tried some pretty crazy things.
Hannah and I had a couple fail moments that haunt me. We went to the tide pools, which resulted in the absolute worst sunburn of my life, (someone compared my arms to ground raw chicken... it was THAT bad), but I got to teach the journalism student some things in the field and spend a day exploring. That center picture is hard to see, but in it, Hannah and I, in Supernatural cosplay, are completely oblivious to the fact that Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles are RIGHT BEHIND US. Missed opportunity.
Comic-Con struggles continued with double punching on the Kristen Bell interview, but at least I snapped a picture so I have proof that I did, indeed talk to such a delightful human.
I didn't win the Emmy this year, but for the first time, I was nominated for a craft category. My individual skills were honored, even with a typo, so that's kind of a big deal. Plus, I got to hang out with some great people from 41.
While 41 was not a happy place for me, I did get to learn a new skill this year. Steadicam was so much fun to do, albeit stressful with the paranoia of falling on live tv or jacking up a shot.
Some might say getting a black eye is a bad thing, but I couldn't stop laughing. Emily and I got a little roughed up in Krav Maga class, but hey, if you can get some of the sweetest people to get feisty enough to draw blood, that's an entertaining time.

However, the more I looked, the more I realized nine pictures was nowhere near enough to paint the picture of my year. Because of all the tragedy, I spent more time with my family in 2018 than I have in a single year since I got my first job. It's hard when we are so far apart, but this year drew us together. There were some happy moments too, like my baby brother getting nominated for Winter Court and graduating high school, Bekah graduated from college, and my daddy turned 50. Also, all the girls wore dresses at the same time. We know, highly shocking moments.

If you've ever watched "Supernatural", you know the phrase, "Family don't end with blood" and it's the truest thing there is. I am blessed with some killer friends in KC (still pending in Nashville). 2018 brought the biggest Galentine's blind date with a book party so far. Rachelle and I didn't meet our goals with HerBookNook, but it's still rolling into its THIRD year, which is crazy, and she's one of my favorite people on earth. I reconnected with my rowing family after the tough loss of Sam. Ally introduced me to the world of BookCon. There were nights of ax throwing and writing sessions and late night meals. There were hugs and tough goodbyes, but they are some of the best people around. This picture is by absolutely no means representative of all of the people who mean so much to me.

One thing I hear the most is how lucky I am to have met so-and-so, and it's a perception I tend to forget. Yeah, it's freaking cool, but it's also a lot of work (that I'm not getting paid for, mind you) to make many of those meetings happen. I didn't get a picture with Mark Sheppard, but that was one of the most awkward interviews of all time. It's not always pretty in those situations, guys!

I'd apologize to those who are offended/ think I'm rubbing it in when I mention something someone famous said to me, but I'm not actually sorry.

While 2018 has been one heck of a bumpy ride, true hindsight shows an incredible journey. I'm still here, despite all the grief and pain of the year.
I left a job I hated and now have one I love with happy people who value each other.
I had the opportunity to go coast-to-coast a few times, and put nearly 20k miles on my car in the last couple months to see friends, family, and bands. Not everyone gets that.
I did crazy, wild things, like play a human claw machine, get my nose pierced, go Harley Quinn with a bat, climb (and jump off) a variety of things, start a novel, return from NYC with 84 books... and so much more. It was a year of truly grand adventures, and I'm so thankful for each God-given opportunity and person who joined in at various points along the way.

2018 truly was an adventure and a time to settle into my new home. While this last couple months has been hard with being alone, it's also been a time of healing and getting back to myself. I've never questioned if I really am where I am supposed to be right now. I know God has something waiting in the wings here in Nashville, so 2019 will be the year of growing where I'm planted and preparing for the dreams to catch me.

The Road To Nashville Is So Easy It's Scary

So... Life update for those who don't already know: I'm moving. To Nashville. Tomorrow.
For some, this seemed like a sudden move, but it wasn't really, if I'm honest.

I've been thinking about my next move for a while. In my 'day' job, it's normal to do your two years and move on to a bigger city, so staying in the same place on the same crappy shift, it's a bit unusual. I stayed for Bible college, and then I stayed to keep my spot in the German fellowship. This time, my contract and lease ended on the same day shortly after my car registration expired, and I didn't have an anchor holding me here. I had been in the early phases of seeing someone, but prayed that if God did want me to move, then the distracting boy needed to go. Three days later, he had a girlfriend and it wasn't me. (One day, I'll learn to stop using that prayer! Lol.)

The focus in on Nashville started back at BookCon in early June. I was in line for a signing and ended up chatting with a publicist who had a shared background. I mentioned my recent-ish graduation from Bible school and her jaw dropped. "Have you thought about moving to Nashville?"

Click.

It's hard to put into words, but it felt right in the deepest parts of me. People have mentioned a variety of cities they thought I should check out, but nothing ever resonated like that mention. When I got home, I got distracted with other offers and the aforementioned boy popping up out of nowhere again. When one of the pastors mentioned thinking I was distracted (however, it was in reference to thoughts of leaving), that's when I had the realization that staying was the distraction because it came with the easiest bait there is. However, this was all right before San Diego Comic Con, so I was buried in research and couldn't think about my future at the moment.

A couple weeks after returning to KC, the pull to Nashville hadn't burned off like I honestly thought it would. Over ice cream, a close friend encouraged me to at least try and know instead of sit in the what ifs, so I did.

Of course, I soon had another offer to stay put, but I couldn't do it. I prayed for the right path to be a quick and easy one. Well, it was about three weeks from application to offer with my soon-to-be supervisor out of town for a week, and news director out the next, so yeah, quick and painless.

Even after all that, I've still been dragging my feet. I know in the deepest part of my spirit that this is the right move, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Kansas City has been a part of  my life since I was 8 years old. I haven't lived very far from it since. My friends are here, and some of those friends are more like family (some are closer to me than my blood family.

Even though I knew all along that KC wasn't a forever stop, it doesn't mean I ever dared to picture my life in another city. Even now that I'm forced to face this reality, it still doesn't feel real, not even while loading my car.

During one trip lugging a box to my trunk, I stopped and looked at my door. I have a pink chalkboard there, which has had the same verse written on it since I was going through a tough time back in February. Jeremiah 29:11. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I don't know the plan right now. This is a blind move. I don't really know anyone in Nashville. I've never really been there aside from a pit stop for food on a rowing trip. I haven't been to my workplace. I picked an apartment blindly. This is all so incredibly unknown and it is terrifying.

But, when God tells you to go, you pack up your car and you go, and trust that He will keep His promise of plans for good and not harm. I really wish I knew what I was heading into, but I have a feeling, if I could see what was ahead, I'd still be trying to run the other way. I'm just that stubborn sometimes.

Successes Are Unique: An Open Letter To Women

Ever scroll through Facebook and end up feeling like you aren't living the correct way? (If your answer is no, be warned I'm probably not going to believe you.) 

My newsfeed is a seemingly endless stream of relationship updates, engagements, marriages, and baby announcements. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% thrilled for my friends making these big steps in their lives and this is not a Bitter Betty post at all. My issue is how these types of successes trigger so much FOMO and self-doubt, especially with single girls.

Heck, I realized this when I posted about my latest (surprising) Emmy nomination, then scrolled Facebook. A couple friends announced pregnancies, their sparkly new diamond rings, and one single friend is buying a house. You know what my crazy brain told me? They are doing better at life than I am. 

I had to stop myself right then and there. Why do we immediately jump to ranking our successes? We act like there is only so much good available in the world and everything is a competition. Spoiler alert: it isn't. 

Life doesn't have to fit into a mold, but so many of us try to be like everyone else. If everyone is doing it, it must be the best way, right? How about not. History is filled with brave women who scandalized the world so that now we can wear pants in public (hallelujah), fought for our right to vote, and pushed forward in the workforce so that ladies of today have options to do whatever the heck they want with their lives. There is no shame in being a stay-at-home mom if that's what you want to do and what works for your family. But there is also no shame in staying happily single and using that time to live your own life first.

I'll never forget the first time I heard that. I hadn't seen a co-worker in a while, so we were catching up. This older woman smiled at me and said, "I'm so proud of you for living your truth now. You're making all these memories and one day, when you're nursing your baby, you aren't going to look at that child and think about all the things you're missing are resent that baby. You're going to smile knowing you have so many stories to tell them and they are going to brag about their cool mom." It's so true. My mom had me young, and as a kid, I knew she loved me but I  could pick up on those underlying notes of resentment about the things she never got to do. Maybe that's why I'm so determined to live for myself first.

Again, do not misunderstand me here. This is not a slam on young moms or anyone at all, and the fact that I feel the need to clarify that repeatedly shows just how deep these roots of judgement go between women.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A THING. Period. Yet, it is, especially in the Christian community, and it drives me crazy.

For some odd reason, women in the church get their identity all twisted up in their relationship status and being a mom. I've seen it time and time again where a girl feels less-than because she is single or doesn't have any kids. As someone who grew up in the ultra-conservative homeschool world, I've lived it, and despite my 'tell me what to do and I'll do the opposite' streak, that standard still stings. 

I've watched my friends get married to the wrong people because of the pressure to settle down and start families, only to end up divorced a short time later. I've stayed in terrible relationships because it was at least something, right? I've suffered through the 'pep talks' telling me he is out there and 'it's just taking a while because you're so awesome, he needs more time to get ready for you.' (Side note: please DO NOT be one of those people. It makes single people feel exactly zero percent better when they are lonely and worse when they are actually enjoying their lives.)  

Ladies, we've got our identity in the wrong place. 

Relationships, family status, job status, bucket list, or whatever else you can think of do not define you. The only thing that matters is who you are in God.

Maybe that's what bothers me so much about this whole thing. Women tend to forget that God created us with a purpose. So many ladies get caught up in complaining about being single instead of using that time to do their God-given mission. I heard comic book writer, Marguerite Bennett, who is about my age say, "I'm never going to have as much time as I do now." She's busting her butt now, working on as many projects as she can, because she is single and without kids. She is treating this window as the gift it is.

In church, we hear all the time about stewarding our gifts and how God won't give you a big task if you don't prove yourself faithful in the small things. Single ladies, maybe there is something for you to do now or something to prepare for that God made a priority on your life over being a wife and mom. I can tell you right now, I've probably prolonged the single life because I haven't been working on projects I know I'm supposed to because I let other things become distractions. I have not been faithful with this blog, for sure. I can't tell you how many times I've had thoughts on a post, but didn't get out of bed because I should get rest. Julianna Zobrist has a wonderful quote: "Don't should on me." The thought of I 'should' sleep stops me from writing all the time, even though I know that when I have something to say, I really don't notice missing those hours, like God gives me the energy in exchange for obedience.

"Don't should on me" also applies to all this girl-world comparison, and that's really the point in Julianna Zobrist's message. There is no set path for every single person. Success is not something to be ranked or used against each other. We are all created to do different things. We aren't made to live the same life as anyone else. Our journey is as unique as we are and that should be embraced, not held against each other or used as fuel for a guilt trip. 

I recently met up with a college friend, and let me tell you, it was so refreshing to talk about goals and dreams instead of focusing on dates and relationships. That was maybe five minutes of our three hour conversation, and it struck me how unusual that is, even among chronically single girls. We don't need to focus on who our friends might be interested in or 'we need to find you a husband' banter. That can end up causing more damage to a relationship when someone feels judged. 

Celebrate whatever success looks like for your girls and encourage each other in their dreams and passions.  Don't drag your 'shouldas' and 'shoulds' into any kind of relationship. Your single years are the time to be selfish and enjoy the heck out of it. Grow as a person. You are a treasure, so polish yourself up so you can shine like you were always intended to, wherever your unique path leads.

Obedience Over Sleep

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I heard y'all. I haven't been writing much lately, and when I have, it's been depressing as balls. (Yes, I said "as balls." Deal with it.)

That's just the season I've been slogging through. Slogging might be too positive of a word for this situation. More like swirling around the drain of a death spiral with the occasional attempt to climb out of the stream, only to be nudged back into the flow... all while maintaining the "I'm fine" smile, because that's just what tough girls do.

But that's not really what this is about.

I timed out my day with plans to relax, get that illusive yet allegedly essential eight hours of sleep, go to the gym, then head to work. Easy peasy, right?

Wrong. I woke up about three hours into sleep time.

I tried praying, knocking off a couple items from the ever-growing to-do list, snacking, Facebooking, etc. Still wide awake. So, I grabbed the book I've been reading at the slowest possible pace, "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis.

I'm a pretty fast reader, so spending a couple months on a book is incredibly unusual. The reason it's been taking so long is that pretty much every chapter is super relevant and convicting in some way, so I only make it through one before setting it down to stew and chew on it.

Today was no different. Of course, the first chapter I read (no, I'm not gonna tell you which one, sucker!) was directly related to that thing I was praying about. I kid you not. My brain went into overdrive thinking about her story and the similarity to mine, which I was so not here for. Hard pass.

So, I read another one to distract myself. Spoiler alert: IT MADE IT ALL WORSE. Now, my brain is all fired up on multiple things. Thanks for that, Rachel.

I tried to sleep it off, but that's just not how God works, is it?

Nope. He had to plant a some bloggable thoughts into my brain that were not going to go quietly. Here's how this argument went down.

God: *plants ideas*
Me: Cool. I'll do it later.
God: I've heard that before. You never wrote those posts.
Me: My bad. But, I'll really do it tomorrow.
God: No, you won't.
Me: I need to sleep! I work early tonight!
God: And?
Me: If I go write, I'll be tired and sucky at work.
God: I'll sustain you.
Me: But...
God: WERE YOU NOT LISTENING IN CHURCH SUNDAY? Didn't Koppang just preach about obedience?
Me: Yeah, but...
God: Okay, now you are going to write about obedience first.
Me: *Sighs and grabs laptop.*

Yes, I'm stubborn. Whatever. Don't act like you aren't too.

Pastor James' point Sunday was that obedience to the voice of God will result in a better life. It will solve your problems because you aren't doing things in your own strength, but rather relying on Him to guide you on the path He designed for you. Had the children of Israel obeyed, their lives would have been much easier.

Disobedience is pretty childish, isn't it?

How many times do you hear Christians saying that they want to be used by God, but then prioritize their own agendas over an opportunity to serve? Oh, so guilty on that one. How many times has that been you?

It's pretty hard for God to move when His people are being stubborn children who won't pick up their mess and share their toys. We can pout or throw a fit about it, but what ends up happening? I don't know many parents who will reward that kind of behavior. God is a Father who wants to heap rewards and blessings and goodness onto our lives because He loves us and we are His. But, He's a good and just Father, so misusing our free will can become a hindrance to our own blessings if we let it.

All He wants is obedience.

So, here I am, writing when I should be sleeping. (Well, my alarm just went off, but that plan to workout is now off the table! Ha!) I guess we will see how this obedience over flesh thing works out for me.

P.S. To the prayer warrior who, after the message on obedience, spoke over me that God would wake me up when I'm sleeping to talk, could you redirect that prayer with a better time frame? Please?!

Seeing The Vision Become Reality In 2017

Remember a year ago when everyone was all, 'I hate 2016' and I was like the one person on earth who had a decent year? Here we go with round two. Hot take: 2017 wasn't that bad.

At least for me. 

Pastor Steve said it would be the year of opportunity. Time and time again, I saw opportunities to make dreams come true, and not just the little ones.

About two years ago, I set up a vision board in my room. I drew five things in the short term goals row. They represented getting back into WRSM, graduate, read 50 books in a year, travel to Europe, and write a book. The first four are now complete, and the fifth is in progress. That alone is wild enough to think about, but the way everything went down was more than I could ever imagine with other small goals getting check marks too.

I started a book club with my dear friend Rachelle, and it has grown from six women to about 50 members in our Facebook group. There's also a writing group now that I started with my nerdy friend, Rachel.

I got to work on two shows with WRC that broadcast internationally.

I met Felicia Day and Jim Beaver at Planet Comic Con, resulting in major geek outs.

I got baptized again.

I got to go San Diego Comic Con to interview several celebrities and sit second row for the Outlander panel.

I sat on the Iron Throne and Dragonstone.

I graduated with my second year certificate and Bachelor's degree.

I won my second Emmy.

I was selected for an international fellowship in Germany, where I met so many cool people.

I spent 35 days traveling Europe, knocking a big chunk off my bucket list (i.e. see the beaches of Normandy, filming locations for Game of Thrones, the Berlin Wall, eating donuts under Brandenburg Gate, the Olympic Stadiums in Berlin and London, the Tower of London, Churchill's War Rooms, Auschwitz, Bergen-Belsen, Castle Church, Trinity Library, the Mona Lisa, the Eiffel Tower, NATO, the EU.. the list goes on and on.)

I went to German Comic Con Berlin and was in a selfie taken by Finn Jones from Iron Fist and Game of Thrones. (Yes, I'm a huge nerd. Sue me.)

I saw bands including 30 Seconds to Mars, Skillet, Sick Puppies, Muse, PVRIS, X Ambassadors, Borns, Parachute, Switchfoot and probably others I forgot at this point.... plus ballets, plays, and sporting events.

I met amazing new friends and caused many a shenanigan with those already in my life.

I walked through fields of sunflowers, danced in the rain and played in the hail, both literally and figuratively.

It wasn't all easy. 

School was an absolute grind to finish, especially in the summer when two of my six classes alone packed in 32 papers. Not fun.

Also not fun, getting stranded in Hanover, Germany because the weather shut down trains. Really, trains and I had a rough relationship in Europe. Transportation in generally, really... especially when some dude tried to get me to go down a dark street in Paris with him at 3 a.m... Hard pass, bro.

2017 was nothing short of an adventure, and God stretched me quite a bit as the days went by. So many moments were tests in trust, from patience to protection to the big picture. I latched on to Jeremiah 29:11 in Europe, and I've been trying to hold onto that still. Just letting God do His thing is hard, especially when you feel like something is about to change in your life, but you don't know what. Trust isn't easy, but allegedly it will be worth it. I guess we will find out. 

How The Beach Impacted My Thoughts On The Future

Life is crazy.

Somehow, I landed the amazing opportunity to go to Europe for a little more than a month. Oh, the stories I could tell from that adventure! Maybe pieces of it will come up in future posts.

For now, I'm just going to share a little piece of my journal.

Before I left, someone mentioned that they don't think I'm in the career I belong, and it sent me into a bit of a spiral trying to figure out if there's truth to that statement. It's something I've debated for years now, but journalism is the only job I ever clearly saw myself doing.

The only thing to do in situations where you don't know what to do is to spend some time with God about it. I took my coloring Bible and journal down to the beach in Broadstairs, and spent some time with Jeremiah 29:11-13, which says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.'"

After some time thinking on that passage and praying, I started to write and try to find a direction again. Instead, the ink formed the following words on the paper, and I don't think the message is just for me.


"As I've been sitting here, the tide has been creeping back in, covering up the rocks and sand I was walking on  an hour or so ago. It looks pretty different... kinda like life itself.


I saw things one way, but the earth shifted and adjusted what was my reality. I can no longer see the ground I was walking on, like I can no longer tell you what I want to do anymore. But the seeds of God's plan are still buried in me, like the rocks and shells are still underneath the waves. The tides will change and they will become visible once again.

Maybe that's how the desires of our heart work too. God gives them to the deep places inside us, and rolls back the tide every so often to remind us that they are there... it just isn't time to pick them up yet. Especially with big rocks, the waves have to wear them down to smaller pieces and wash away a large amount of sand before you can pry it out of the earth.

Even when you can't see it, the waves of life are preparing that big dream to break loose at just the right time. The bigger the dream, the longer it takes to prepare and loosen.

But you also have to be preparing to carry it.

Larger stones require more muscle to carry it distances greater than two inches. Same with goals and visions. They require strength to carry out to completion.

Tides change. Views change. The substance underneath the currents doesn't change. It just takes shape. So, I guess the answer requires looking at what has been there all along, even when the waves of life have blocked it from view for a while."

In case you're curious, here's how drastically the view changed.

Just remember, even the wind and waves obey Him. He can roll back the tide to remind you who He created you to be in the moments you need it most. Jeremiah 29 is written to exiles, and that's honestly how I felt for parts of my trip. I was alone (at best, with people I just met) and didn't hear much from home, which drove me absolutely bonkers. But when I needed it and sought Him out, Jesus joined me on a beach to share a different perspective on what the future could hold.

That, my friends, is where you find hope.

WRSM Spring Quarter Class Quotes: Tuesday/Thursday Edition

Hebrews with Pastor Jack Walter (PJW)

PJW: "You'll notice participation is pretty heavily weighted, so you'll want to talk... intelligently, of course."

PJW: "Who said that?"
Caila: "Hunter. Anytime it's quiet, it's probably him."

PJW: "Truth prevails over facts."

Dorice: "The moon reflects the sun's light."
Caila: "So, we're all little moons!"

PJW: "How do you see people in our society trying to expand their spirituality."
Esther: "Really good coffee and essential oils."

PJW: "Problems happen when casualness and spiritual indifference set in."

Caila: "Hunter is the big-word-knower."

PJW: "I didn't know Eric from Peter Rabbit. Except Eric didn't hop around or have a tail or so forth."

PJW: "How'd we get on all that? The drifting..."
Esther: "You drifted off course and left the rest of us bobbing out in the ocean."

Caila: "What ways can we guard against drifting away and hardening our hearts? Not talking about food!"

Caila: "It's Hunter's group. They're not going to talk."

PJW: "He's a perverter. Or a pervert. I don't know if I can say that."

Erica: "I got weird, but just a little. Let me explain."

PJW: "God leads. He doesn't shove."

PJW on an answer: "I'll buy it."
Erica: You're buying lots of stuff today, Pastor Jack! You're going to run out of money!"

PJW: "What's the fruit of the Spirit."
Class: "Love, joy, peace, patience..."
Ryan: "And Pastor Jack!"

PJW: "Do you have your Bibles?"
Dylan: "What's a Bible?"
PJW: "Ohhh, we have to stop. He doesn't know what a Bible is."
Erica: "How did you get through 2.5 years of Bible college?"
Ryan: "Grace!"

PJW: "God bless you and I'm going to leave the mic here."

PJW: "I should have been killed, but God knew this day would come where I could torment you like you torment me."

PJW: "If we make ourselves available, God has great things for us."

Ryan: "Did you say you made your bed?"
PJW: "Yeah..."
Ryan: "Woaaah."
PJW: "Are you saying you don't make your bed?!"

Major Prophets with Levi O'Brien (LO)

LO: "I'm shaking a little bit, but not because I'm nervous. I just had too much coffee."

LO: "They weren't afraid of their calling. They didn't back down."

Dorice: "Mic drop! (pause) Marker drop!"

LO (on superclusters): "Sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about, but this time, I do!"

LO: "So, it looks like a brain."
Hunter F: "So, we're living in God's brain."

LO: "They compromised themselves into captivity."

LO: "You can only understand man when you understand God."

(LO tells story about childhood.)
Erica: "True story."
LO: "Of course it's a true story! Do you think I'd lie to you after talking about evil people?"

LO: "God is not a pagan deity that can be satisfied with surface stuff."

LO: "Something can happen and you're like, 'I can't get angry! I'm about to preach!"

LO: "I know, I'm moving around a lot. I think it's the coffee and the Spirit of God."

LO on Isaiah 20: "That's a silly picture. Don't make a movie out of that."

LO: "If I was God, we'd have rivers of coffee! Hot springs, man!"

LO: "The presence of God is what makes us different."

LO: "'Birthed wind.' I looked it up. It does not mean fart."

LO: "God needs to freeze time so we can learn and learn and learn."

LO: "We ain't got no time. Boring! That's boring. I need an hour and a half again."

Caila: "I looked up the meaning of Hunter once."
LO: "What did you think it means?!"
Caila: "Like, name meanings."
LO: (laughs) "It's over here meaning peaceful. What's it really mean."
Caila: "One who hunts."

LO after a joke: "Are you taking notes? Come on! This is a school of ministry!"
Erica: "I'll take notes when you say something important."

LO: "Whenever we put our trust in God with our effort, then we will find the reward."

LO: "I'm grateful for you guys."
Esther: "Because we laugh at your bad jokes?"

LO: "There is power in Jesus' name to get where you need to go. He is not the problem in that equation."

LO: "We aren't just changing today by what we do; we are changing tomorrow."

LO: "The mistake club... I'm not in that club."
Erica: "'Why preach?'"
(LO hangs head.)

LO talking about his dog: "Today is the first day we are letting him out of the kennel. (Pastor Mark presses his face against window.) He needs to be put in a kennel!"

LO: "I was looking for some revelation for myself. I was looking for a joke I haven't told yet."

LO: "Don't throw your English out the window when you read your Bible. A lot of those scriptures hanging on refrigerators don't mean what they think."

LO: "Mic drop moment! Which will be going extinct. We're all going wireless. Soon, there wont be any mics to drop."

LO: "You don't pray hard to get somewhere. You pray hard because you are somewhere."

LO: "I have a fear of Pastor Mark."

LO: "When you fear God, it shows you believe He's more powerful than anything."

LO: "I was waking up while you were worshiping. Haaaaa! You already had to be here!"

LO: "Don't get release getting out of it. Get release because you went through it."

LO: "Part of forgiveness is handing over the vengeance to God."

LO: "When you expect something of another person, it costs you nothing and it costs them everything."

LO: "Fear causes you to make expectations of people and God."

LO: "Y'all are terrible at riddles! Jesus, bless this class!"

LO: "Hunter, did you figure it out?"
Hunter D.: "Oh. I was reading Lamentations."

Hunter D. on Jeremiah 51:59-64: "Instead of a mic drop, it's a rock drop."

Caila: "I always thought Psalms was possums growing up."

PAL: "I used to think it was 'H to H, you're still the same.' I sang it like that for years as a kid. Like, from heaven to hell? I don't know."

PAL: "So, I got about 20 minutes to prep for this."
Erica: "I feel like that's all Levi puts into it."
Class: "OOOOOH!"
Erica: "Just kidding!"
PAL: "That's going in a blog somewhere!"

PAL: "Knowledge is not power to change."

Worship Unity with Pastor Nancy Thomason (PNT)

PNT: "If you don't sing and you don't play, don't panic. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have a plan."

PNT: "We all carry something. How we carry it is the fun part."

PNT: "I knew you were a Bible girl, I just couldn't remember which one."

PNT: "Don't always wait to feel anointed; you are anointed."

PNT: "Your life is the song."

PNT: "Have you ever noticed how when God really nails something in your life, you turn really religious?"

PNT: "He's kinda like a cross between Santa and John Lennon... That's the Jesus of Illinois."

PNT: "The only thing the enemy can do is talk."

(phone chimes)
PNT: "Oh, it's my phone. I'm sorry. Oh, it's from Pastor Steve. I'll read it later."

PNT: "Love covers everything but love doesn't embrace everything."

PNT: "We will not be emotionally driven. We will be Spirit-led."

PNT: "If your kidneys are gone, so are you."

PNT: "Some of the most important parts of the body are hidden."

PNT: "I made another note... that I cannot read."

PNT: "What do people of faith do to mountains. We speak."

PNT: "The giant that lives is the giant you feed."

PNT: "You all have funny looks on your faces. Why is that?"
Esther: "Because we're convicted."
PNT: "Oh, good! We like that!"

Emily: "Joy."
Hunter F.: "Joyful giant."
Stephanie: "The jolly green giant?"
JoAnn: "That's the healthy giant."

Emily: "Caila prayed for me, so of course, I was dying on the ground."

PNT: "You will never experience father abandonment with this Father."

PNT: "God will put you alongside someone and your life, your song, will save them."

PNT: "If a person is not leading you to God, they are not from God."

PNT: "Drop her! I don't care how cute she is! Drop her and run away!"

PNT: "What [girls] do is have a whole Hallmark movie in about five seconds."

PNT: "Mercy gives an answer that brings life."

PNT: "People who are prepared recognize preparation never ends."

(Emily starts reading)
Esther: "I can't even hear you."
Emily: "I'm normally so loud. I don't know what's wrong with my problem is today."

Esther: "I failed an open book test once because I didn't read the book."

PNT: "If people have a wrong idea of Christ, they have a wrong idea of who they are."

Stephanie: "We are assigned battle buddies and today, the battle is staying awake."

PNT: "Each one of you has a song in your heart. What's your song?"
Stephanie: "Right now, it's a lullaby."

PNT on Pastor Kathy's preaching: "The flamethrower of God!"

PNT: "If you don't listen to you, no demon will listen to you."

PNT: "I pray for us to be like the New Testament church, but I forget [Annanias and Sapphira] is in it too. Oops!"

Josiah: "I have to walk now."
Emily: "Oh, poor you. You have to walk. On your legs. That work. Poor you."

PNT: "Being offended is the number one thing that will kill you."

Emily: "My real laugh sounds like a dying horse."

Perfectionism, Shame, Worthiness, and Oh So Much Vulnerability

Ever feel like you're seeing a word pop up repeatedly in your life and wonder if you're supposed to be learning something from it? Me too. The past couple weeks has been one of those times.

In case you didn't catch it from the title of this post, I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown lately, which started this whole journey. My book club read "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" in February, and tomorrow we will discuss "Daring Greatly." Both of these books explore her research in shame and vulnerability. Yes, it's pretty heavy stuff.

At first, I was only able to acknowledge that it is good and important information. But then, I noticed that word 'shame' was showing up everywhere. It reared it's ugly head in fictional books I was reading. It popped up in class conversations. It sparked sobbing over too-close-to-home homework for one of my classes. Situations showed up and highlighted some shame issues, especially while reading "Daring Greatly". At one point, I was reading it and saw a picture in my head of someone brushing away dirt and exposing a vast web of roots. That's a picture of how shame has infiltrated my life and I had no idea how it had shaped the person I am now and the problems that have plagued me. Through all of the 'shame' pop ups, I've been trying to figure out where it all started.

The first moment that this all started clicking into place was when Dr. Brown talked about perfectionism. I have claimed that title for so long, I can't even tell you where it started. So, imagine my feeling when reading that it's a shield against vulnerability. Brown writes, "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame... Perfectionism is, at its core , about trying to earn approval... Perfectionism is a form of shame."

Well, crap.

So, I spent a few days trying to trace it back through my life to figure out why I put so much pressure on myself and how it shapes my behavior. Needless to say, I'm not fond of the results. I won't go into it in detail here since this isn't really the proper place for all that junk, but I think it goes back to childhood. That was confirmed more in the parenting chapter of "Daring Greatly" (which I almost skipped since I don't have children.)

Don't get me wrong: I love my parents (hi mom and dad!) and they did the best they knew how with us, and this is not some blog of blame, but there were certain things during those young years that left me feeling unwanted, unloved, and lacking. Somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that if I was perfect at everything, especially the things they wanted me to be good at, then maybe it would fix everything. Maybe it would make up for every problem that I always traced back to my own existence. Shockingly enough, it didn't.

Instead, it became a pattern that infiltrated every relationship in my life. Anything less than the best is a crushing weight of disappointment and shame. I felt like I was constantly letting everyone down, from family, to coaches and teammates, to coworkers, to friends, to boyfriends. That just created a shame wall between me and everyone, and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything good. It created this cycle, especially with boyfriends, where I would force myself to go along with what they wanted, be miserable, fail to be perfect, feel unloved and unworthy, we'd eventually break up, I'd feel more unworthy and unloved, so I'd lower my standards in search of someone I could be perfect for. For example, an ex of mine just popped up out of the blue. I was hit with so much shame for how people might judge me for dating that scraggly-bearded weirdo, for I let him treat me, how I failed to be the person he wanted me to be, (even though pretty early on in the relationship, my aunt pointed out that I was not being myself when he was around, which made me realize how miserable and not into him I was, but yet I stayed with him until things exploded because I was afraid that was the best I could get).

It's a whole cycle of disaster that destroyed every bit of self-worth I had. I stopped seeing value in myself as a real person. That realization slapped me in the face first in my Honor and Authority class, when Pastor Aaron said that we are all worthy of honor because we are sons and daughters of the One True King. My immediate reaction was, "Maybe you all, but not me" and I shut down for the rest of the class. A few days later, he said he was glad I was in the class and I called him a liar. Let that sink in. I called my pastor a liar for being nice. Why? Because I disagreed with him. Why? Because I didn't feel worthy.

The thought running through my head in that moment was, "Yeah, right. No one wants you around." I constantly battle that feeling, especially in class. The shame of past mistakes built a wall between me and my classmates. While there are more cracks in that barrier with some, I still battle feelings like I'm not worthy of being there or wanted. The drive of perfectionism keeps me trapped in silence for fear of being wrong or sounding stupid. Perfectionism and shame are a really strong box that suffocates everything you're supposed to be.

Friday night, Jill prayed to break familiar spirits, and this all started clicking into place. I had struggled with reading "Daring Greatly" but was finally able to finish the second half quickly. Dr. Brown teaches that vulnerability is the way to break through shame, and that is why I am writing this.

It's a step out of the box toward a new level of freedom. But it's just one step. The other big factor is allowing the Holy Spirit to show the next one, and then following the journey. It's important because the other word that's been popping up around me lately is fierce. You can't be fierce if you have locked yourself in a box of perfectionism and shame.

A Weird Winter at World Revival School of Ministry: Part One

I'm doing this a little differently. The quarterly quotes is going to come in chunks. Call it an inspiration from Rose, who as you're about to read, said, "I look at this list and I kinda don't want to read it. It's so much." That had nothing to do with the quotes, but putting six classes into one post was far too long.

So, for now, you can enjoy some of the memorable moments from the winter's Tuesday/Thursday ministry classes!


Book of Acts with Pastor Mark Pederson (PMP)

PMP: "When your passions become white hot in God, that's when you'll shake the world."

PMP: "The weakness in revival relationships is not usually a weakness in truth, but a weakness in fruit."

PMP: "People set on fire by God do not bring leftovers."

PMP: "When you believe the lie, you empower the liar."

PMP: "It takes character to pray for someone else what you want for yourself."

PMP: "Don't be afraid to tell your story. In fact, please do tell your story."

PMP: "You will find God continually dealing with your fear."

PMP: "Kingdom living begins in a place many people don't want to go. It begins with emptiness."

PMP: "Steph, are those gummies?"
Stephanie: " Yup."
PMP: "That's how I know you're close to the Lord!"

PMP: "Unrighteous anger is never satisfied."

PMP: "God doesn't come at you through your past. He comes at you through your future and pulls it into the present."

PMP: "The root of prejudice is pride."

PMP: "Anointed people are consistent."

Esther: "It's like following JD around and 'doin' the stuff.'"

PMP: "I remember stepping on a frayed extension cord. It was at night so there was a little dew on the ground. It moved me. *sings* I feel the earth move under my feet."
Caila: "Is that an old song?"

PMP: "Fear is never more prevalent than in times of revival."

Bob: "Bonus question. Why did I pick Tootsie Rolls?"
Caila: "Because you love us?"
Bob: "If I loved you, I wouldn't give you this trash!"

*Stephanie draws on Dylan's face with orange marker*
Dyaln: "No! I don't want to be Trump!"


Practical Ministry with Pastor James Koppang (PJK) and guest speakers

PJK: "Class expectations. Students are expected to attend class. Such high expectations."

PJK: "You're no longer in kindergarten; you're in big boy class now!"

PJK: "Ministry is building up the body that you've been put into."

PJK: "I don't have to look it up. I have students!"

PJK: "Pastor people toward something, not away from something."

PJK: "It's easy to dream on Instagram. It's harder to steward what you've got."

PJK: "I'm going to tell a story since I have time. Oh, wait! I'm supposed to get through four of these things?! I only got through one!"

Shelley: "Being around people of no vision will eventually steal yours."

PJK: "If I can persuade my wife to go a certain direction, I can persuade the masses. I've never had a harder sell than my wife."

PJK: "That's my natural reaction when I've upset my wife: go buy flowers or candy. It would be a little more weird if I went and did their dishes."

PJK: "I'm going to have to bite this. I can't talk with it and... I'm not that talented."

PJK: "I don't know what that's called."
A couple students: "Self-deprecating."
PJK: "Self-defecating?!"
Class: "No!!"
PJK: "I was gonna say, I don't care who you are, I'm not going that far."

PJK: "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Pastor Jack Walter: (goes off on tangent about filling gas tanks) "What does this have to do with weddings? Oh! So, when you go on your honeymoon, you don't run out of gas."

Bill: "I really don't like panic. If there is a crisis and you panic in front of me, I might just shoot you to get you out of my way."

Bill: "We call [the media department] the toilet. Throw money in and flush it."

Bill: "If you take care of people, you're never going to lack for volunteers."

Belich: "For some reason, I like the interaction. I'm sorry."
Esther: "Ask Pastor James how that goes,"

Belich: (shares example and uses Mary Jane as the name)
Hunter F.: "Darn Mary Jane!"
Belich: "I'm not sure why I said Mary Jane. (pause) Isn't that a pseudonym for marijuana?!"

Belich: "Twitter is mostly younger people. Facebook is obviously every person on earth."

Belich: "Cher is the only person who comes to mind, but not her. She doesn't need the social engagement."

Hunter F.: "Man, I had to look for like 10 minutes to remove that marijuana part [from previous class' video]."
Stephanie: "It's still going in the blog."
Rose: "You can't remove it from our hearts!"

Belich: "You have to work through *sigh* and be nice."

Belich: "Now we can run them [lights] at 100 and if people get blinded, it's only temporary,"

Belich: "Mmmm! They [lights] look great."
Hunter F.: "Like a fine pasta!"
Belich: "It IS like a fine pasta!"

Belich: (class hears noise) "That was weird.
Erica: "It's the bathroom."
Belich: "Are they scratching their name in the wall? 'Aaron was here.'"

Belich: "If you don't want team participation, ask your questions now!"

Rose: "I look at this list and I kinda don't want to read it. It's so much."

Erica: "Especially if they are doing sermons, hopefully they have a scripture base."

Belich: "This is good. How do you propose implementing it?
Hunter F.: "Doing it."

Belich: "It's all nasty stuff, like two pounds of roast beef and meatballs topped with... butterscotch."

Pastor JD King: "As students and all, you need to learn things."

JDK: "We have a tendency to think of the gift of administration as licking stamps and filing papers."

JDK: "I said this wasn't going to be theology, but just this part only."

JDK: "A little weirdness, a dash of weirdness here and there, I'm like ehhh. But if you're weird all the time by definition.....,,,,,"

JDK: "Do I sound like an ugly person?"

JDK: "Community is the glue that allows deeper truth to be heard."

Bobbie King: (on administration) "Bossy. Scheduling. Money. Sounds like being a mom."

BK: (on flunking a college class) "Can you believe it? Part of it was you have to go to class. But it was a three hour night class and I had better things to do, like my fish had babies and I had to be there for her!"

BK: "In the Kingdom of God, there is no hierarchy,"

BK: "Oh gosh! I've sheltered my kid too much. She's crying at the Bible."

Caila: "Get all of this out so when Heather gets here, I can focus."
Dylan: "You'll focus anyway."
Caila: "What, are you Mr. Heather now?"

Heather: "What if she goes to the left?"
Caila: "Ahhh!"
Heather: "Isn't that your right?"

Heather: "So, what we've learned today is that Caila is not a catcher."

Heather: "Don't be weirdy-weirds."

Heather: "What if she walks in and the people who have the antidote are selfish?"

Karen DeHaven: "Every minute at church counts."

PJK: "I want to leave ample time for Q&A."
(class laughs)
Erica: "Esther told [the guest speakers] to ask you how we do Q&A."
PJK: "Yeahhhh.... He's real proud of you on that one.

PJK: "The thing about the Holy Spirit is, He doesn't leave with a bang."

PJK: "At the end of the day, pride is going to be the thing. Pride is the number one destroyer of the anointing and the Holy Spirit moving in your life."

PJK: "I found that secret in my personal life. I mean, I'm sharing it. It's not really a secret. Read your Bible."

PJK: "Teaching is a stretch for me. I'm like, we've got the five-fold for a reason!"

PJK: "I call it pucker factor. I don't know if it's a thing or not."
Caila: "I'll look it up for you."
PJK: "Uhhh.... I wouldn't."

PJK: "People that you typically want to be like don't have five hours to hang out with you. If they do, they typically aren't the type of people you want to be like."

PJK: "We should have no one who is entry level for very long."

PJK: "You have to expect success on your life. You can't accept failure as an option."

Mixing Religion and Politics While Donald Trump Takes Over as President of the United States

The two things they say you aren't supposed to talk about are religion and politics, so it makes sense to write about them both at the same time, right? Maybe I'll lose some friends, but oh well.

I've been writing about this day at my day job for what feels like an eternity. The reality is, it has been about two years worth of political stories, every single day. I've been over talking about it for about as long, but, as a journalist, it is my job to make sure the public is informed. (How much we should be sharing and sensationalism are two completely different stories. Don't get me started.) I rarely share anything about my own thoughts on the matters because that is not my job. My job is to give truth, not share my personal bias or stir up fear. Vocally, I'll play both sides because that is my ENTP personality and my journalistic duty. As the high-ups tell us, "Give light and the people will find their own way."

Unfortunately, I'm not seeing many people find their way right now. It's just a lot of stubbornness and pride. Throughout the campaign, social media turned into a boatload of fear and whining on both sides of the aisle. I don't care who you voted for, but what good is coming from the complaints and destructive protests? None. Maybe you feel a bit better having voiced your outrage that someone thinks differently than you, but did you change their mind or just create negativity in your relationship with them? Chances are, it's the latter.

I'm not writing to say your views are right or wrong. Like it or not, Donald Trump is our President as of today. The point is to think about your actions and words, and what Christians are supposed to do now. The Bible is pretty clear about it. Submit and pray for them, whether you agree or not.

Romans 13:1-5 says, "Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. For the authorities do not strike fear in people who are doing right, but in those who are doing wrong. Would you like to live without fear of the authorities? Do what is right, and they will honor you. The authorities are God’s servants, sent for your good. But if you are doing wrong, of course you should be afraid, for they have the power to punish you. They are God’s servants, sent for the very purpose of punishing those who do what is wrong. So you must submit to them, not only to avoid punishment, but also to keep a clear conscience."

1 Peter 2:13-17 says, "For the Lord’s sake, submit to all human authority—whether the king as head of state, or the officials he has appointed. For the king has sent them to punish those who do wrong and to honor those who do right. It is God’s will that your honorable lives should silence those ignorant people who make foolish accusations against you. For you are free, yet you are God’s slaves, so don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Respect everyone, and love the family of believers. Fear God, and respect the king."

Titus 3:1-2 says, "Remind the believers to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do what is good. They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone."

I Timothy 2:1-2 says, "I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness."

Pretty clear direction, I'd say.

The prayer is the especially important part. Words have power, so why on earth would you use your authority to make things worse? Why would you curse your leader, when bad things happening to them will negatively impact your own life? Trump is still the President and his actions will change our world, for better or worse. So, our job is to pray for the better. Pray that God gives Trump the wisdom to make the right decisions at the right time, and that he recognizes that it is coming from God. Declare that Trump knows where to find the answers. Call down peace and protection to follow him wherever he goes. Speak blessings over Trump and that he has favor with world leaders. Pray the projects he picks are fruitful. This is a biblical principle. Jeremiah 29:7 says, "Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." If Trump is successful while serving as our leader, we will see blessing too. Maybe then, this whole "make America great again" concept can become our reality. 

If you can't bring yourself to pray good for him because you don't want a person you don't like to do well, you might need to check your heart. Is your personal pride more important than the benefit of the whole country? Just something to think about... Don't get in the way of what God is trying to do, because he only does good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Trust that, no matter who is in office, God is in control and He wants to do good. We have no idea what pieces can now fall into place.

The other aspect Christians need to be bringing into the world right now is a spirit of thankfulness. First off, we live in a country where we don't have to hide our faith just to stay alive or out of prison. Be thankful that Americans get to choose their leader, while many countries don't allow that opportunity. And be grateful that, despite all the tension among the people, the hand-off between President Obama and Trump has been peaceful. I mean, Gambia just had to hold its presidential inauguration IN ANOTHER COUNTRY because the outgoing president refused to leave, and now they are sending troops in to try to get the guy out. Compare that with here in America, where the Obamas and Trumps had tea together before heading to the ceremony. Be thankful, guys. We have it good.

Again, I do not care who you voted for. You are entitled to your opinions and views. You are also entitled to damage friendships and spew curses that will trickle down to your family if you so choose, but why would you want to? Now is the time to unite in prayer and hope for a brighter future.

"Brothers and sisters

All sons and daughters

Rise up united

Fight for each other."

-- Be Fierce by Dustin Smith

Never Forget: Even Little Dreams Do Come True

There are a handful of things I've wanted to do for many years of my life, but growing up pretty poor put those dreams into a corner of my mind where they became a 'one day maybe' instead of something that was attainable. One dream I've carried since I was a wee child was to visit Pearl Harbor. It even made it into a creative writing assignment somewhere around 5th grade where I was telling a friend what I had been up to recently, but 20 years in the future. 

It finally came true.

It's funny how a random Facebook post during my New Orleans & Canada adventure in June sparked this whole thing into being, but that's just how God is. 

It wasn't coincidence that I made a reference to the 75th anniversary of the attack to a friend.

It wasn't coincidence that my favorite teacher saw it.

It wasn't coincidence that the teacher lived five minutes away from the Harbor and offered a place to stay if we made the trip.

It wasn't coincidence that the plane tickets dropped $150 without a Google price alert the day I decided to take the step of faith and buy it.

It wasn't coincidence that I got work-study the next day, freeing up the money I had just spent on the plane ticket.

It was God.

But you know what, God doesn't just fulfill dreams the way our human minds fathom an ideal situation. He's a good Father and likes to show off sometimes. 

That is exactly what He did for me with this trip.

Going to Pearl Harbor and seeing the history of the attack and where my grandpa was toward the end of WWII would've been enough for me.

Getting to make the trek for the 75th anniversary made it a special piece of history.

Getting to make the trip with a friend and stay with someone in my professional field who I look up to is awesome.

But God opened the door to combining things I love, making it more than little Stephanie ever imagined this trip could be. I was able to get media passes to take a camera, meet the survivors, tell their stories and share the messages they want people to know. 

This trip was incredible.

I spent time on the USS Arizona memorial with just members of the media at sunrise.

I shook hands with four of the five men still alive who escaped that ship, while 1,177 are entombed there.

I met a handful of other men who survived bullets and bombs falling from the sky.

I watched current members of the military stand and hold a salute for about an hour in the hot Hawaiian sun while the veterans left the ceremony. These young men and women didn't wipe the dripping sweat from their faces or let their arms rest when they were visibly trembling with exhaustion. I don't have words for the respect and honor there. 

I learned about a little known man, George Whiteman, who died in the attack on the other side of the island, and now has an Air Force base named after him in Missouri.

I visited the USS Utah memorial, where you can still see the cables crews used to try to right the ship and save the men on board, but were unsuccessful. Then, we walked through the 429 white marble pillars, representing the 429 lives lost on the USS Oklahoma.

The attack on Pearl Harbor is heavy stuff, and I can't even count the number of times I had to choke back tears. Just standing on the pier at the moment the attack was happening 75 years before was overwhelming enough for my mind, but to see these brave men return to a place where they almost lost their lives and talk about forgiving Japan... speechless. These guys are so inspirational in their survival stories alone, but the strength with which they do it can't be put into words. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forget when Jack Holder was talking about running to a sewer line under construction to avoid the bullets and he teared up while saying that the only thing he was thinking at that time was, "God, please don't let me die in this ditch." 

I also won't be able to forget how every time I heard Donald Stratton talk, he made sure to mention the 1,177 who weren't as lucky as he was, or how eyes lit up and how tightly he grabbed my hand when I said I was reading his book and asked him to sign it.

These guys don't want us to forget how blessed we truly are in this country, and it's so humbling to be able to pass that message on to you now.

While I expected to work my tail off, which we did, and dealt with some less-than-pleasant situations on the media side, it was still an incredible moment to be able to cover and experience. 

We did manage to work in some fun though! When I asked for an interviewed with actor Gary Sinise, I didn't really think it would happen, but it did. Not only that, we got to be near the stage during the Lt. Dan Band's performance on Waikiki Beach. I met NBC news crews, including Jay Gray. We ate at the North Shore's famous food trucks, played in the water at Shark's Cove, hiked through areas of Waimea Bay that you could recognize in movies, swam in 20-30 feet deep ice cold water to stand under a waterfall (have I mentioned I'm not a fan of swimming? Because I'm not and it was terrifying), saw baby pineapples growing at the Dole Plantation and ate some of that fantastic Dole whip, stood in front of the USS Missouri, climbed part of the way up the dormant Diamond Head volcano, stood in the waves at Waikiki, checked out a swap meet at Aloha Stadium, and ate some fantastic meals with amazing people. Our hosts were beyond incredible tour guides and people. And of course, I always have a blast with my travel buddy.

I say all of this as a reminder to hold on to your dreams, even when it doesn't seem like something that would ever become a reality for you. Nothing is impossible with God. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" and Psalm 37:4-5 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Following God can be a hard path, but it has so many rewards. He opens doors that you might not have even thought to knock on or even walk toward. If he can take my simple dream of visiting such a historic place and make it happen in so much more a grand fashion that I could have thought up myself, what could He do for you in your life? 

The blessings are limitless because He is limitless. He is a good Father who wants to give you what you desire, even the seemingly small things buried in hopes and dreams you let fade into nothingness. Don't give up on your dreams and don't give up on God. Following Him brings the best into your life in perfect timing. Never forget.

Sweetness And Strength

You ever have those moments where God kinda smacks you in the face with a truth that should probably be obvious to you by that point?

Yeah, that just happened.

I guess this all started when I bought my new car in June (forgot to mention that in the life is good post yesterday.) I ended up talking a friend to the same guy to buy a car a couple days later. During the test drive, the subject of Oreos came up, and we actually stopped to find one of the new flavors I had mentioned, but they were out. The salesman mentioned a few times throughout the rest of our time that he was disappointed we couldn't find them. I had a pack in my desk at work, and felt like I should give them to him. I did, despite it feeling like the most awkward thing ever. He text me moments after I left saying I was sweet.

And, like a weirdo, it annoyed me.

He called me sweet a couple other times over text and I always tried to argue it.

Fast forward to last night: we were texting about something car related and he handled the issue. I felt like I needed to encourage him a bit, so I just did that I hoped everything was going well and he deserved good things. He responded, "You're such a sweetheart I can barely stand it." I was having none of that crap and said, "lol. Just don't cross me."

I know, smooth one, Red...

The conversation faded out and I moved on with life.

Then, in class today, we had visitors from Poland. It was Heather's class, so I should have known what was coming. She had us pray for them and speak into their lives.

In the group was a 15-year-old girl Heather accurately described as pure sugar. I immediately has some things come to mind, but stayed quiet for a while. As the guys were winding down, I silently prayed that if the words that came to mind were for her, then have Heather come grab me next. About 2 minutes later, here comes Heather, which almost made me laugh out loud.

I spoke the initial thoughts, but didn't say everything. Florence had a turn and Heather walked back over to the girl. I don't remember what Heather said, but I blurted out something I had held back.

"Your sweetness is a strength."

Heather had me repeat the phrase, and that's when I heard, "So is yours, if you'll let it." Woo! Despite it being 68° in the room, which would normally have me shivering, I was sweating.

Heather then had me pray for Florence and the main word was strength, so Heather told me to give her my strength, so I gripped Florence's hands and we pushed for a bit. Heather then said something along the lines of, giving your strength to someone else doesn't mean you get weaker; the Holy Spirit gives you more.

I started thinking about how I'm always fighting people thinking I'm nice because I was raised to be tougher than that. Seriously, I've gone out of my way to be a brat to people who think there is good in me, which makes zero sense, I know. I've never been one for feelings and junk, but there is a definite soft spot that's been growing in me the last few months. It's especially noticeable at work. Instead of being able to compartmentalize, writing about some things going on in the world have brought me to tears lately. It's rather annoying and I've fought it.

But in that moment, I realized that it's a good thing. It's evidence of what He's doing in and through me. It's an opportunity to reach people in ways I couldn't before. It's my eyes opening with compassion, and should be embraced.

I saw how other people treated this car salesman, and it was not ok. (Like, I had to grab a book or I was going to end up fighting one guy. It was ridiculous.) Instead of being happy that a kindness in me stood out to him, I wanted to blend in with the jerks of the crowd. It's really rather silly, now that I see it.

This battle between sweet and strong is pretty common for women, especially in the workplace as we trying to lead fiercely without being cold. These two traits aren't meant to be exclusive. Think on this: while bees can cause pain, they also create sweet honey. We value that honey. They've got it down.

Balance is out there.

Your sweetness is a strength. Embrace it.

Oh, Canada! Adventures in Exploring Independence

Home again, home again.... I'm back in the U.S. of A. with a smile plastered of my face. 

The whole point of leaving on this solo adventure was to lock myself up and write a book. I was cool with that, but others couldn't handle the thought of not wandering and doing things, especially the customs agent in Vancouver, who couldn't wipe the baffled look off his face no matter how I explained. But then I got to my destination, Needless to say, with a view like I had in Canada, I didn't get nearly as much done on that front as I planned, but many more great things happened during that time.

The first leg of my journey went the opposite direction. New Orleans. I'm a nerd and decided to start things off with a visit to the National World War II Museum on the 72nd Anniversary of D-Day. The lady sitting next to me on the plane asked what I was doing in New Orleans, and got very excited about it. She recently heard about the museum on the radio and wanted to check it out. She was joining her husband on a business trip and didn't want to go to something of that weight alone, so I suddenly had a buddy.

Keeping things short, the museum is incredible. Some of the rooms are just overwhelming when you walk in. The first day, I also got to see this adorable little boy, maybe 7 years old, dressed as a U.S. WWII soldier, telling adults what things were and why they were important. I've never wanted to kidnap a child so much in my life. I seriously pray my future kids are that cool! I wandered the museum for two days, and probably could've spent more time there, honestly. I did get to help them with a little grammar error in closed captioning of one of the films, which was pretty cool. Yes, I'm a nerd.

After the museum closed the first night, I went for a walk through the French Quarter, because why not. I enjoyed the side streets, but Bourbon was a whole different animal. It wasn't even dark yet, but there were quite a few intoxicated tourists roaming. I ended up grabbing some jambalaya, watching hockey, and reading a bit. The guy working there informed me that a couple stars of "The Walking Dead" were at that table two weeks ago, which is cool, I guess. While trying to find, Cafe Du Monde, it started pouring, so I hustled the mile or so back to the hotel instead of getting a beignet. I wouldn't have cared if it weren't for the book in my hand! I did get a beignet in the morning, after a mile plus walk each direction. Worth it. I just didn't realize it was going to be the theme of the trip.

I got to Vancouver after midnight, so no adventuring to speak of right away. The first day brought a whole different story.

Since the studio I wanted to check out wouldn't let me in without a film backed by a studio ready to discuss, I started out by trying to get to the Vancouver Aquarium, which meant taking public transportation that was not a shuttle for the first time in my life. And I was doing it alone, with all of my luggage. I shuttled (and got a "go Cats" from another rider!) to the Skytrain and then eventually figured out the right bus line, and walked to the aquarium. Minor problem: they don't have any place for bags if you aren't part of a school group. I was dragging my rollerbag around when one worker felt bad for me and got special permission to let me leave my luggage in a school bin. Yay favor! They had a ton of jellyfish, which have always been one of my favorite sea creatures. However, I grew very tired of hearing "Nemo!" everywhere I went. I was pretty confused by the parrots and marmosets at an aquarium, but whatever. Also, the Kansas City Zoo's penguin exhibit is much, much cooler.

The adventure from Vancouver to Victoria was when things got interesting in an "I'm so screwed but haven't figured it out yet" kind of way. Turns out, there are two stops on the Skytrain line that sound very similar. I missed the one I needed, but didn't realize it until I got to the one I thought was correct. I rode back and got off at the right spot, only to find the bus I needed was gone. While there was a bus waiting there heading to the ferry dock, the driver was not on board, so I got to wait for about 20 minutes. Whatever. I had a book. 

When I got to the ferries, the one I wanted had already left. Since there was no 6:00 that day, so I waited for the 7:00. No big. I sat on the deck, reading, watching crews work, soaking up the sun and the amazing view, and listened to the waves and seagulls. It was so relaxing and wonderful, I couldn't help but smile! The great views continued once I got on my first ferry ride and we sailed between the small islands to Swartz Bay on Vancouver Island.

Turns out, the bed and breakfast I booked was more than 90 minutes away from the ferry dock. I pulled out my transportation card to get on the double decker bus, and the driver just grumbled to sit down. I thought I was getting a free ride. Still didn't know about trouble ahead. I was too busy practically drooling while looking at the sun setting behind the mountains. 

Then, around 9:30 p.m., I got a text from the b&b owner saying they were expecting me that day and wondered if there was a problem. I said I was on the bus getting close to downtown and would be there in a little while. He said that they didn't realize I was bussing in, but would stay up. Ok, now I'm starting to sense problems. The first part of that was when the bus driver didn't leave enough time for people to get from the upper deck through the doorway. I missed my stop. With the help of Google Maps, I adjusted. That's when the bus driver told me that my transportation card doesn't work on the island. I had loaded the dumb thing up on the word of someone in Vancouver, so there's money I won't get back. Relying on coins, it is.

I got to the next stop, and somehow ended up on the wrong bus. Once I realized it, Google told me to walk 1.8 kilometers back to the stop... on a dark street... carrying all my luggage. Wonderful. Then, my phone died. Not gonna lie, I panicked a little bit. I hoofed it to the bus stop, whipped out my laptop and plugged in my phone. It was the only option at 11 p.m.! The b&b owner asked for an update, and when the bus I was waiting on was late, then passed by without stopping, he said he'd come get me in his bright orange sports car. He's an interesting Buddhist fellow.

I developed a pattern while at the b&b: breakfast, watch WRSM classes, walk an hour for food, write, adventure and take pictures, walk back and either chat with people or write some more.

The b&b owner told me that the castle a few doors down was where they filmed scenes for "X-men" and "Deadpool," so it became my first major stop. I also came to learn that Hatley Castle was used in "Arrow" "Smallville," and several other movies/tv shows, plus was where King George VI and his family planned to hide out during WWII, so I was pretty pumped. Since it's now used for Royal Roads University, and school was in session, I couldn't get in.

No matter! It is a beautiful building, surrounded by three delightful gardens. I took pictures as I wandered through the Italian and Japanese, before settling into a little hut to write for a while. Other people walking through kept telling me how brilliant of a study nook it was. 

Eventually, I got up and wandered through the rose garden as well. When you walk through the gate, the floral smell is insanely overwhelming! Many of the blooms were starting to wilt and shed petals, but I still found plenty which had enough life for pictures. I forgot how much I enjoy close up floral photography until I uploaded a zillion pictures that night. 

There was a funny moment in the gardens. For years, my sisters and I have used peacock calls to find each other in stores or crowded places if we get separated. While walking around, I heard the scream and my first thought was, "Where's Bekah?" Then I remembered I was in Canada without them, and we couldn't possibly be that original. It must be someone else trying to find their group, right? When I walked out of the gardens, I heard it again. Just a few feet away was a real semi-wild peacock. I tried to take pictures, but the dang thing was pretty quick and I didn't trust it not to attack, so I settled for a distant selfie.

After my first taste of poutine that evening, which was wonderful, I ended up with a little bonus. I only had enough change for the bus back, so I sat at the stop and waited. An older man approached me and asked if I had a ticket. I said no, and he handed me his day pass for the bus. He told me he gives it away everyday when he's done so someone else can ride free all night. Blessing! That opened up the opportunity to checck out Parliament, downtown Victoria, and the harbor. I had heard that they light up Parliament at night, but, while watching the sunset over the harbor, realized two things. 1. It was cold. 2. I was going to have to walk through the woods in the dark if I didn't head back immediately. I was wrong, and had to hoof it in the pitch black. I may have wielded a liter pop bottle by the neck and repeated "Jesus" over and over again, praying I wouldn't meet an animal other than the two on the edge of the path and that I wouldn't miss the path. I had missed it in the daylight, but somehow found it in the dark!. Yay!

Another one of my favorite adventures involved a terrible idea: biking. Google Maps said it would cut my journey for food in half. It did not mention that the terrain was practically straight up. Yes, I walked the bike most of the way. 

That route ended up passing a historical site with a lighthouse. I thought, why not? When I got down the mountain, I found there was a cover charge. I considered not doing it because I was too lazy to dig money out of my bag. However, I was not excited about getting back up to the road so quickly and approached the gate. The cashier smiled and said he wasn't going to charge me. Yay favor!

Turns out, it was more than a lighthouse. It was Fort Rodd Hill. I got to check out battery and bunkers built during WWII! The way everything connected on this trip was amazing! They let you go into special gas-proof rooms where military teams used to plan and prepare. You can climb up on top of the sea wall and see the artillery that once defended the harbor. It was incredible and I may have freaked out a time or two because of how cool this trip was.

Sidenote: the bike ride down the mountain and across the lagoon wall was much more fun than the trip out.

This trip was so much more than I thought it would be. I got to eat breakfast with the former head of Disney Animation Canada and his wife, who ran Chromacoulor (which supplied companies that made classic Saturday morning cartoons, including Buggs Bunny!) Not having data to be on Facebook while I walked or a battery that would last if I listened to music forced me to do a lot of thinking. I got to thoroughly enjoy the scenery, which was spectacular. I couldn't help but grin like an idiot every time I walked through the woods, just soaking in the beauty around me and thanking the One who created it and gave me the opportunity to enjoy it. 

I learned a lot about myself on this trip, some silly, some serious. I learned I am terrible at public transportation and have never been more thankful for cars. As much as I want to think I'm a city girl, I still have quite the country root. There is just something about the middle of nowhere that I find comfortable. I also didn't realize the literal lengths I would go to for a doughnut. I could've ordered pizza and stayed in the hammock or hot tub all day, but I got out there. I also learned I'm the one setting limits for myself, and I'm much more capable that I realize sometimes.

Honestly, I didn't think I could do this. I was freaking out before the trip. Worries of getting lost or running out of money or doing something stupid constantly tried to take over my mind. I mean, there were so many firsts involved for me, it was ridiculous and a bit frightening. When my car died right before vacation started, I actually considered calling the whole thing off. I had to keep reminding myself that God put all the pieces together for this trip to happen in the first place, I was doing it to work on a project I felt He wanted me to do, and He is a good Father who will provide. That's exactly what He did through all the little, unexpected blessings and unplanned adventures.

On the last night, I was walking home from another hour plus long hike for dinner and Tim Horton's. I had just turned into the subdivision where the b&b was located, when I glanced out over the lagoon. For the first time in the whole week I was there, the clouds had finally cleared on the mainland, making it possible to see the mountains. It was stunningly beautiful (and my cell phone pictures don't do it the slightest bit of justice.) In that moment, that still, small voice said, "Good job. You did it." I about broke down in tears. This wasn't just a vacation. It was a test in relying on God. I let Him guide my steps and ended up with more than I dreamed. It's what He likes to do.