The Road To Nashville Is So Easy It's Scary

So... Life update for those who don't already know: I'm moving. To Nashville. Tomorrow.
For some, this seemed like a sudden move, but it wasn't really, if I'm honest.

I've been thinking about my next move for a while. In my 'day' job, it's normal to do your two years and move on to a bigger city, so staying in the same place on the same crappy shift, it's a bit unusual. I stayed for Bible college, and then I stayed to keep my spot in the German fellowship. This time, my contract and lease ended on the same day shortly after my car registration expired, and I didn't have an anchor holding me here. I had been in the early phases of seeing someone, but prayed that if God did want me to move, then the distracting boy needed to go. Three days later, he had a girlfriend and it wasn't me. (One day, I'll learn to stop using that prayer! Lol.)

The focus in on Nashville started back at BookCon in early June. I was in line for a signing and ended up chatting with a publicist who had a shared background. I mentioned my recent-ish graduation from Bible school and her jaw dropped. "Have you thought about moving to Nashville?"

Click.

It's hard to put into words, but it felt right in the deepest parts of me. People have mentioned a variety of cities they thought I should check out, but nothing ever resonated like that mention. When I got home, I got distracted with other offers and the aforementioned boy popping up out of nowhere again. When one of the pastors mentioned thinking I was distracted (however, it was in reference to thoughts of leaving), that's when I had the realization that staying was the distraction because it came with the easiest bait there is. However, this was all right before San Diego Comic Con, so I was buried in research and couldn't think about my future at the moment.

A couple weeks after returning to KC, the pull to Nashville hadn't burned off like I honestly thought it would. Over ice cream, a close friend encouraged me to at least try and know instead of sit in the what ifs, so I did.

Of course, I soon had another offer to stay put, but I couldn't do it. I prayed for the right path to be a quick and easy one. Well, it was about three weeks from application to offer with my soon-to-be supervisor out of town for a week, and news director out the next, so yeah, quick and painless.

Even after all that, I've still been dragging my feet. I know in the deepest part of my spirit that this is the right move, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Kansas City has been a part of  my life since I was 8 years old. I haven't lived very far from it since. My friends are here, and some of those friends are more like family (some are closer to me than my blood family.

Even though I knew all along that KC wasn't a forever stop, it doesn't mean I ever dared to picture my life in another city. Even now that I'm forced to face this reality, it still doesn't feel real, not even while loading my car.

During one trip lugging a box to my trunk, I stopped and looked at my door. I have a pink chalkboard there, which has had the same verse written on it since I was going through a tough time back in February. Jeremiah 29:11. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I don't know the plan right now. This is a blind move. I don't really know anyone in Nashville. I've never really been there aside from a pit stop for food on a rowing trip. I haven't been to my workplace. I picked an apartment blindly. This is all so incredibly unknown and it is terrifying.

But, when God tells you to go, you pack up your car and you go, and trust that He will keep His promise of plans for good and not harm. I really wish I knew what I was heading into, but I have a feeling, if I could see what was ahead, I'd still be trying to run the other way. I'm just that stubborn sometimes.

You Never Know What Will Change Your Life: Marking Two Years

The little things are often details we disregard as unimportant, but they really do have the power to completely change your life's direction. A feeling turns into a driver for an action, and next thing you know, your world is completely changed.

A feeling of loneliness sent me to download that dumb app, Tinder, a little over two years ago. Generally, it's a pretty terrible idea, but that's not how my story ended. That app led me to meeting a guy, which led to me going to a cd recording, which opened the door (literally) to returning to God. I was making baby steps back to where I belonged, but didn't have the slightest clue.

I glossed over it in my first "Redhead in Revival" post, but two years ago today, Dustin Smith was recording his "Coming Alive" album. It was on my calendar as three different events, one of them being as a concert involving the guy from Tinder (even though we had stopped pursuing anything more than friendship by then). [side note for clarity's sake: Dustin is not Tinder guy!]. I was meant to walk through the doors of World Revival Church that day and I am so glad I did. It's truly hard to put into words how much my life has changed since then. I'm not the same person I was six months ago, much less 24! 

God has been overwhelmingly good to me, especially lately. I can honestly say I've never been so happy in my life. There is more joy, strength, hope, freedom and stability around me than I know what to do with. He has provided for me at every turn, and I know He isn't going to change. Pastor James was preaching about winning Sunday, and that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I've moved, been blessed with vehicles, seen increase and opportunity at work, met new people, reconnected with old friends, learned new skills to serve at church, I'm sitting here typing this on a new laptop that doesn't have to be plugged in at all times and preparing for a brand new journey. What part of that doesn't scream winning and the faithfulness of God?

I'm not going to lie and say it's been the easiest thing I've ever done. If you've ever read any of my previous posts, you know that's not even remotely true. There has been heartbreak, loss, and struggle after struggle. While hugging Lydia Friday night after service, she said, "I'm really glad you stuck around. You've had every reason to give up and walk away, but you didn't quit." She is 100% correct. I could've walked away a dozen times over by now, but something in me couldn't let go. God isn't done with me yet. Despite everything, I can still look you in the eye and say that God is nothing but good and wants nothing but victory for His children. But think on this: can you really have victory without fighting through a battle? 

I could sit here and ask things like, what if I hadn't swiped right for that one guy, or what if I didn't go to that concert or question some other small step that led me to here, but that's not what I'm going to do. I'm thankful that it all happened, even the rough patches. I know God brought me here with a purpose, and if I skipped those opportunities, He would've opened another door to lead me into His plan. I can't wait to see what little decisions now will have an impact on where I am two years from now. All I know is, it's going to be even better then!

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Moving Forward From 2015 And Looking Ahead To 2016

Hey, 2015. Bye, Felicia!

I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear me say I'm incredibly glad this year is ending. I've chronicled some of the challenges 2015 brought me through this blog, but there was still a lot of pain and struggle that I kept off the internet. It was a year of loss in so many ways, but that might be a good thing.

Pastor Steve and Kathy Gray said 2015 would be the year of restoration and wholeness, and we all grabbed hold of that promise. I know I wasn't alone in wondering what happened to that in the second half of the year. One of the messages that really stands out to me from this year was when Pastor Kathy tackled that complaint. She pointed out that when you restore a home, you don't just polish up the surface. Paint may make it look pretty, but rot is still inside the walls. Restoration means gutting the place and rebuilding. It's messy and painful, but the end result is much better.

I feel like that was my year. It was a process of removing people and things from my life to remind me what deserves my focus. Friends are nice, but they aren't God. I had to learn that I'll still be ok, even if I'm on my own. Instead of having to be with people all the time and staying super busy, I've grown to appreciate a little time alone and time readjusting my focus. I'm nowhere near where I should be at this point, but the point is that I'm trying again.

That's because I have hope.

There were a couple times throughout the year that I thought about writing on hope, but just didn't have the time. When I didn't make time, the revelation faded away in the craziness of daily life and I'd lose that hope once again.

One of those moments was at Autumn Darden's baby shower. She shared her amazing story and the gift of her precious little boy, Jack. She shared Hebrews 6:19, which says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil," Anchors have become a "basic white girl thing," so I never really got into the them until this verse gave me a new way to see it.

Hope in God's plan is what keeps us tied to Him. When we lose our trust in His goodness and faithfulness, we float away.

Story of my year.

As soon as I'd get busy and distracted, there went my focus until something bad happened. No matter how far I'd float, my anchor was still holding strong to guide me back.

Romans 5:4 says, "endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." I had to go through this year to learn how to hold on to hope and not give up. There was a point this year where I was on the phone with my best friend, crying about how there was nothing left for me. I lost my hope, but I found it again within myself instead of hoping through others. It's on a much smaller scale of what Job went through. He lost everything, but Job 17:16 says, "No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job didn't give up, and God blessed him. If he could hold on to hope in the midst of his troubles, so can I.

I realized this one morning when my alarm went off. I absentmindedly set my ringtone to a song by Remedy Drive called "Hope." The chorus says, "Hope's not giving up. In a cold dark night she's not giving, not giving up." Then, the bridge says, "Hope is with me in my time of trouble. When it all comes crashing down she will stay By my side digging through the rubble. She's not giving up."

I'm not giving up.

Hope has been all around me, but I didn't always see it. I mean, even my giraffe is named Hope and I didn't think about it until last week! I see pictures with that giraffe every day and it didn't click. I'm silly.

Of course, to seal the deal, my friend Jill gave me a bracelet with an anchor and the word hope on it for Christmas. She had no idea that I've been thinking about it lately. Then, I miraculously escape spinning through three lanes of traffic without hitting a single thing. That was a reminder that there is something bigger ahead for me in 2016. There is an overwhelming sense of excitement deep within me whenever I think about this next year. I have no idea what adventures are around this corner, but I'm ready to tackle them.

2015 wasn't all bad. It provided some great moments, so here's a little look back.

"For in the hour of our darkest day

We will not tremble, we won't be afraid.

Hope is rising like the light of dawn.

Our God is for us He has overcome."

- We Will Not Be Shaken by Brian Johnson

Sinking Ships and Taking Care Of Myself... For Once

This isn't the most spiritual of posts, but whatever. It's my life and I'm going through a revival of sorts.

There is a point where you have to let go or you die; the point where if you bend any more, you'll break.

I finally hit the point where my extreme stubbornness bowed in order to stay alive.

It's strange. Nine days ago, I was crying on the phone to my best friend about feeling like there wasn't a drop of life left in me; there was nothing worth saving. I thought I was done then, but it only got worse. It took a couple of calls in the middle of the night and some intensely emotional writing for me to realize that this situation isn't ok.

4 a.m. writings --

A girl can only be dragged on a roller coaster so many times before she gets sick.
A girl can only survive getting punched in the gut so many times before it causes internal damage.
A girl can only bleed so much for another soul so much before it kills her.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm dead.
Rebuilding yourself is exhausting. It's worse when every time you start piecing together Legos as fragile legs under yourself so you can start standing again, someone comes along and kicks them out from underneath you.

That was when I made the decision to cut my best friend out of my life.

Why on earth would I distance myself from the one person who understands my quirks more than anyone, and actually enjoys them? The inconsistency is toxic. Over the past year, we've gone through more periods of not speaking for various reasons than I care to count. Every time we'd split, it tore me up. We'd try again and both feel better until being forced apart again. The hurt just kept getting deeper with each rip. They weren't clean and little pieces of the past caused issues to fester under the surface, and I'm sure there is more to it than I even realize. I can't keep walking into bear traps, knowing I'm going to lose a limb. I have to protect what little is left.

Two old friends reached out to me out of the blue that day and said the same thing. "You have to take care of yourself first." They pointed out that I can't really care for people when I'm empty. One of my teachers said that people coming against her only works when she's at a deficit internally. Just like it is easier to knock over an empty bottle instead of one filled with water, attacks do more damage when you are empty and weak. That's what made the separations hurt so much. I was empty of everything good, and didn't have the strength to see past the clutter of the now.

That's all changing.

I'm working to get back on the right track again. It's funny how fast it comes back. Peace and joy are increasing in me because I know this is the right thing to do. I'm reconnecting with God and with things I enjoy but didn't have time for. For the most part, I feel better. 

I have discovered one pesky issue through this whole thing. It was ok for them to block me repeatedly throughout the past year when they needed space, but when that I took control in the same way, they lashed out and said we are done for good. (Yes, I missed some paths. There are too many, nowadays.) It highlighted a pattern from our past: control. I could list several examples of times I thought we should or shouldn't do something and was met with resistance and caved. Some time later, we would change stances on the same issue and I would cave again. I totally understand the power struggle that was involved, but it doesn't make it less annoying now to realize I basically let a child control my life. I don't mean that negatively, because there is a bit of an age difference. That aspect showed in the temper tantrum that followed my decision. Of course, that sent me spiraling back into the mode trying to comfort and fix the situation. I felt manipulated, which only made me angrier. Our ship didn't just sink; it went down in flames.

Now don't get me wrong, I still care deeply about this person. I would do anything for them. I would give anything, including my life, to help them. I hope they understand that depth, even after everything. I loved spoiling them and taking care of them because of the big, dopey grins and high pitched squeaks following a surprise. Despite the very deep lows, many of my happiest moments from the year were when we were hanging out together. We didn't even have to do anything and I was content.

Therein lies the biggest problem. We didn't do anything.

For some reason I still don't understand, we stopped pushing each other to be better. Instead, we pulled laziness and rebellion out of each other. Church became rare. We worked, slept and watched tv together. People tried to tell us that we were heading toward destruction, but oh well, we were happy in our bubble doing what we wanted. Losing opportunities sucked, but that didn't even really force a change. Things were comfortable between us, so why bother adjusting? We both had traumas from our past that we hadn't dealt with. I wanted to help, but how could I drag someone through the mud when I was stuck too? There were cracks in our foundation and it was only a matter of time before we crumbled. It could've been something great, but we were dumb.

I'm not going to take their route and smash the whole institution. There was a lot of really great things that happened because of our connection. I learned more about myself and a deeper meaning of loving another person. I grew let down walls I didn't know I had. I softened, and I'm trying to not let that slip back into hardness. I believe they grew too, and hope they can still see there was a value and purpose for this year. 

I honestly do miss who we were in the beginning, though. I got a glimpse of that person nine days ago. When I was crying about how worthless I felt, they threatened to "bop" me on the head to get me to think straight and tried to convince me of my worth. That was before the falling out, so maybe that isn't the case anymore. 

Either way, I still see the good in them. I can't help it come to the surface or take away the pain that's burying it, but I know that good is there. More than anything, I hope they find peace with the past and joy in the future. There are still moments I have to fight not to run back and try to repair things for them, but I can't. I have to take care of myself before there is nothing left. I'm of no use when I'm that empty, and I don't ever want to get to this point again.

It's time to begin again.

"Another day, another worry breaks right through

And indecision bleeds me dry

She's painting pictures I'm not making for her

And she's got a vision without me in mind

I can't believe you."

   - "Hands on Deck" by Waking Ashland

Letting Go And Letting God

To say this past week started out on a sour note is putting it lightly.

I won't say what happened, since even the most vague of explanations would imply who else was involved, and I don't want it to be any more distracting than the situation already is. Just embrace the fact that I was in a total ginger rage for a couple days. It probably didn't help that I worked a ton and barely ate during that time. (Like, I'm talking 4 Oreos and 5 pretzels in nearly 40 hours kind of not eating.)

But then, along came Wednesday.

I was so excited to get through the day, and finally have two days off in a row. I got in my car, and it wouldn't start. Womp womp. The series of events that followed were frustrating, yet absolutely hilarious (and too long to include.) In the end, it took four journalists and a gallon of gas to not only get my car started, but to start shaking off the grump that had overtaken my week.

During my break at my part-time job, I decided to catch up on the One Year Bible reading I started with some friends, but seriously slacked off. The first day I went through included Proverbs 5:12-14, which says, "You will say, “How I hated discipline! If only I had not ignored all the warnings. Oh, why didn’t I listen to my teachers? Why didn’t I pay attention to my instructors? I have come to the brink of utter ruin, and now I must face public disgrace.” It really got under my skin because of the situation. Those most directly involved, including myself, were given instruction, advice, and warnings. We acknowledged that most of it made sense. But, yet, we ignored it. Ignoring the warning ended up carrying a heavy price and became a distraction to the public around us. The annoyance of the whole thing was also trying to turn into anger and bitterness, but I know I can't let that take hold.

So, I did the only thing left to do in the situation: let go and give it to God. I can't waste my time worrying about the situation. I am still concerned for those involved because I do care about them, but I can't let the problem become the focus of my life. Yes, the situation still bugs me and gets under my skin, but I had to let as much go as I could before it made things worse.

Thursday, I spent the day off doing things I keep saying I'm going to do. I joined a gym, went for a walk in the sunshine, spent time with a friend, cleaned my car and apartment, read my Bible, did my hair and went to prayer service. Friday, I went to a work meeting, hit the gym again, had a great lunch and chat with a friend, and started trying new things. As simple as it is, trying something different, like red lipstick and different hair products, on top of working out really helped to shift my mood. More time in the Bible was changing my perspective. I was on camera Friday night, so I only caught part of it, but Pastor Kathy preached on the goodness of God. It reminded me, again, to stop looking at the problem. Stop looking at the hurt. Focus on the bigger picture. This situation is only temporary, but God's goodness is permanent. Whatever happens and comes next will be good because that's what he promised. Psalm 27:13 says, "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living."

I'm still living so there is still goodness ahead. I'm trying to focus on the good happening around me every day, like going to Planet Comicon, meeting one of my favorite authors, and getting free ice cream. There are still moments I am bummed or angry, but they are more spaced out now. I refuse to let the enemy distract me and get me off track,

School starts tomorrow, so it's time to buckle down and get focused again.

Second Quarter Quotes

Now that I've slept for about a week straight to kinda sorta catch up on all the rest I missed the past 8, it's time to put a bow on winter quarter at the World Revival School of Ministry. For some reason, it feels like it lasted forever. That's probably because it was an incredibly bumpy few weeks outside the classroom. Or it might have been the enemy attacking since we were covering such important topics. Each class was its own unique blend of wisdom, powerful moments and laughter, but each class changed us deeply. I just went through my notes and typed out most of the quotes I wrote down. They aren't in any particular order, other than grouped by serious and hilarious. There are a lot, but a lot happened during those 120 hours we spent in the classroom. I hope at least one quote helps you through whatever is going on in your life.

• "We don't let the enemy drag us where we don't want to go." - Autumn Darden
• "Survival isn't dignified. Do you want to be pretty or free?" - Autumn
• "Grace of God is an empowerment. It's not mush-gushy. 'I still love you anyway' is not grace. That's mercy." - Autumn
• "God wants us to BE better, not DO better." - Autumn
• "Hungry people don't care about you. They want help." - Pastor Steve Gray
• "We don't want to be the people who say 'This is who I am.'" - Pastor Steve
• "Things are happening while you are sitting here thinking about what you are going to have for lunch!" - Pastor Steve
• "Don't start asking if you don't have any honor or respect for Him." - Autumn
• "Everything that can be shaken, will be shaken." - Autumn
• "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." - Autumn
• Anything you don't expect is there to shake you." - Autumn
• "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and are doing it wrong." - Autumn
• "We don't want an emotional response. We want a Word response because that's what changes your life forever." - Pastor Steve
• "If you don't respond, He'll quit speaking to you." - Pastor Steve
• "When it's all about you, it's hard to be happy." - Autumn
• "Prayer is easy when you recognize Him as supreme ruler." - Autumn
• "America is Martha. We don't know how to be Mary because we think Mary is lazy." - Autumn
• "Hypocrisy in religion causes you to be lower. It pushes down. It doesn't pull up." - Autumn
• "Wanna see more miracles? Respond to the word you've been given." - Autumn
• "God doesn't like a shortcut relationship. Good enough is not good enough. It's an attitude that there's no excellence put into it." - Pastor Eric Thomason
• "It's the 'nevers' that cause us to be greater because eventually, you'll end up doing it. Don't ever short change God in your life and say 'I'll never do that' or 'I'm not good enough.'" - Pastor Eric
• "Don't be mad at the world for being the world!" - Pastor Eric
• "Don't get impatient with God. With God it is about the journey, because when you find fulfillment, the seeking is over. The journey ends when you are dead." - Pastor Eric
• "If you notice God isn't speaking, you've either gone too fast and need to back and let him walk you through it, or you've stopped praying." - Pastor Eric
• "You need to recognize what is in you will bring life to a dying world. It will bring light to the darkness." - Pastor Tom Trout
• "The battle for recognition is easy. Throw yourself into Jesus." - Pastor Tom
• "Worship needs to reinforce, powerfully, the truth of God." - Pastor Tom
• "Whenever you say yes to God and no to the world, you are putting the enemy under your feet. There's an escalation there." Pastor Tom
• "You can't self-deliver you. Deliverance is something only God can do." - Pastor Tom
• "Do they walk away from their experience with you blessed? Or do they walk away from their experience with you drained?" - Pastor Tom
• "Your perspective dictates your response. You base your response on what you see." - Pastor Dustin Smith
• "We've been taught in church to sing, not to see. We've been taught that silence equals reverence." - Pastor Dustin
• "Commands are for me to experience the benefits of God. Traditions only allow me to experience people." - Pastor Dustin
• "You don't give thanks ahead of time because you don't have it, but giving thanks ahead of time shows we know we already have it." - Pastor Dustin
• Pastor Dustin's acronym for Worship = Worth & Warfare, One focus, Response, Shifts atmospheres, Honor, Invigorating, Purpose & People
• "The best way to be responsive in worship is to ask to be sensitive to what to respond to." - Pastor Dustin
• "When your worship is just rules made by man, it brings no life." - Pastor Dustin
• "You can have your eyes fixed on the monster, but I prefere to look at the growing fire that consumes the monster." - Pastor Tom
• "Each one of us, because we are human, are like a fingerprint of God, and a fingerprint is a form of identification." - Pastor Tom
• "Prayer and action go hand in hand. It's not something we do. Prayer is who we are." - Pastor Diana Trout
• "In order to do something with your life, your going to have to get off the path of least resistance." - Pastor James Koppang
• "Walking with God is more important than being blessed by God." - Pastor James
• "You are blessed to be a blessing." - Pastor James
• "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." - Pastor James
• "Don't be an idiot." - Pastor James
• "People are moved more by the weather than by the Holy Spirit. That's why God lets the weather get out of control so they will ask the Holy Spirit for help." - Heather Eschenbaum
• "There is always going to be a mocker or two, so don't get bummed." - Pastor Kathy Gray
• "Perfectionism kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the anointing. Analyzation kills the blessing." - Heather
• "Perfectionism, you need to recognize it in yourself as a flaw." - Heather
• "Looking inward causes people to die around you. Introspection causes harm." - Heather
• "Evaluation is important in a moment, not a lifestyle." - Heather
• "God is like, 'Stop talking to my enemy and I'll kill it.'" - Heather
• "The mistakes will never stop. Mistakes will never stop until you are in heaven. Your mistakes should spread out. Prefectionism takes you back to the start." - Heather
• "It's golidlocks syndrome. You're either too young or too old. You'll never be just right." - Heather
• "If we already had it, it wouldn't be called hope." - Pastor Kathy
• "He's not looking to make your life hard. He's looking to be a part of it." - Heather
• "It's not about the bar. It's not about the club. It's what's been birthed in you to get you to that point." - Heather
• "If Mary had been concerned about having a boyfriend or getting married, she would have missed a move of God." - Heather
• "You don't really love him. You're in love with love." - Heather
• "Type A people, don't be driven. Type B people, come up." - Heather
• "Word of wisdom rises above common sense. It's divine." - Heather
• "Elijah was looking for heart. The guy with the mantle was looking for hearts." - Heather
• "You are on an accelerated path with your mantle. This is an Olympic training center. You are being trained for the Olympics of God." - Heather
• "Don't let the enemy cover you in the things that aren't of God." - Heather
• "People leave because they don't want to have to change anymore. The people who succeed are the ones who transform from glory to glory in Jesus." - Heather
• "If you want to live a spiritual life, stop talking about the things you don't have and talk about the things you do."
• "You never lose in the Kingdom of God by giving what you have." - Pastor Kathy
• "It is a rare breed who do not get offended by the Word. It's ok to feel a response. It's another thing to feel offense." - Heather
• "Elisha didn't find the mantle. The mantle found him. God looks for true leaders in the field of obscurity." - Heather
• "What has God called you to? He's called you to more." - Heather

But not every moment was serious. Sometimes, things just got silly. Some might be 'had to be there' moments, but they cracked us up like none other.

• "What are you going to give up for lent? Uh... lent!" - Pastor Steve
• "We've been freed in Christ, yeah, but not freed to be an idiot!" - Pastor Eric
• "We are a car one moment an a monster the next!' Pastor Diana (on transforming our passions back and forth)
• "Knowing the capitals of all the states is not going to help me in my life. Ever." - Pastor James
• "To squander our time is borderline sin. I won't go all the way and say it's sin because then you can't quote me! I said borderline!" - Pastor James
• "I'm sorry son. You can't see, but your mother really likes her hair." - Pastor James (on financial priorities)
• "At some point, you're going to have to ask her to marry you. If that's your first conversation, that's weird!" - Pastor James
• "Did you just say you are happier when Trevor shuts up?" - Kimi "Now THAT is funny!" - Pastor Diana
• "That would be borderline hell for me, having a Q & A with you guys." - Pastor James
• "I go talk to the people who are smiling. If they are frowning, pffft! Unless I feel like I need to go check on them, because I'm a PASTOR!" - Pastor James
• Don't 'woooaaah' me! 'Wooooaaahh' God... If you're feeling saucy today." - Pastor James
• "Healthy does not mean a size one... girls! You might wanna have a little extra on ya for the winter!" - Pastor James
• "I realize eating gallons of gummy worms is not good, but they're so good." - Pastor James
• "Your wife has every liberty to comment on how you're maybe becoming overweight. You have zero to say to her. Like Nazi! Communist! DO NOT!" - Pastor James
• "Somebody, Dustin, introduced me to 24. He didn't tell me it was like crack! I can't label it anything other than straight pagan!" - Pastor James
• "Pastor Steve and Kathy are not type A. They are type Jesus." - Heather
• "You cannot be this happy and be a perfectionist, like Rainbow Brite comin' outta ya!" - Heather
• "He's so comfy. He's like a big sack of potatoes." - Pastor Kathy (about her cat)
• "Being single is a gift. Write that down!" - Heather
• "Holy Spirit Mafia." - Pastor Kathy
• "No, you want her poor little mind to explode!" - Heather
• "I'm trying to break open your minds and reach my hand in and pull something out. Don't make me do it for real!" - Heather
• "Is that a man you want to raise children with? 'But he's hot.' Well, then your children will be pretty punks." - Heather

Valentines, Savoring Singlehood, and the Love of God

Since it's Valentine's Day, it seems like a good time to share from the plethora of relationship advice that's been flowing out at school and church. Maybe the approaching holiday that stirred the Spirit so much on the topic. That, or someone just really wasn't getting the point. As hilarious and wise as the relationship chats were, it's also been brutal. I'm ready for it to be done.

I'm going to blame Pastor James Koppang for starting this, since it is part of his class and he hit it first. His class on dating was hilarious. I didn't write down many of his quotes because I was laughing so hard. I did write down my own little piece of humor. Early on, Pastor James mention knights in shining armor not always being what they seem, so I wrote down a little gem for the lucky friends sitting next to me. (Pictured to the right.) Mad giggling ensued.

Pastor James did have some interesting thoughts on dating. He listed three things to look for.
   - 1. Do they love God in a way that makes them soft-hearted, teachable, moldable and open to God moving?
   - 2. Do you have fun together? Fun sparks are more important than the romantic variety.
   - 3. Am I somewhat attracted to them? (Because you aren't really going to care in 5 years.)

That last point ended up convicting me quite a bit later in the week. A decently good looking guy came into the bookstore I work in and bought a Bible. We talked for about 20 minutes about faith and the perception of Christians in the workplace. It was a great talk and he seemed really nice. At one point, I caught myself thinking, "if only he was taller." I have had a thing for tall guys for years, but should that really be a deal-breaker? I text one of my friends about it, "How many times have I blown off a possibly good guy because he didn't meet my shallow physical 'requirements?' I want a tall guy for entirely selfish reasons, and that isn't love." The answer is more than I really want to even think about. Attraction is important, but not an end-all, be all. In the words of Heather Eschenbaum, "Is that a man you want to raise your children with? But he's hot? Well, then, your children will be pretty punks."

Pastor James also argued against dating at all because people don't act like themselves, you can't tell if you are even friends in the cloud of romance, and it sets a pattern for divorce. One thing he said that really stuck out was, "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." It is so true on so many levels. Just let that sink in.

Heather and Autumn's classes the next day felt like a total beat down. I thought I took notes, but apparently I didn't. It was that level crazy intense. They focused on first of all, not being stupid, as well as how rushing to get married just to be in that relationship can end up with you marrying a loser who steals your destiny. Very heavy stuff. It carried into Pastor Kathy's sermon that night, when she talked about marriage not being the goal. The goal is to get married to serve God together. I feel like girls lose track of that and put too much self-worth in marital status, myself included from time to time. It's an obnoxious cycle.

Several of us thought and hoped we were done with the relationship talk that weekend... but no. It came up again Friday in Heather's class. Heather made another perspective altering point. What if  you are single now because God wants to spend time with you? Taking time to be set apart means you aren't dating in your mind at the same time. It seems obvious, but it just isn't really done. Girls talk about guys all the time. Even in my group at school, we say all the time that we aren't dating, but yet we are still looking and talking about it.

That leads up to Pastor Kathy's sermon Friday night, where she talked about maturity in relationships and operating in the love of God, not the fluffy shallow version of love our society looks for. Of course, we focused on the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13, which we really should be thinking about. Love is powerful, yet we throw that word around like it means nothing. We love pizza. We love a certain TV show. We say we love people in our lives, but do we really? Are we patient and kind, not just to those we are dating or married to, but to friends and strangers? Or are we jealous, proud and rude in our relationships? Are we really showing what it's like to chose to love people the way God loves us? Something to think about.

Yes, Valentine's Day is a dumb holiday, but I've never been one to really ignore it, no matter the relationship status. It's always been a good day to love on people, like in middle school, when my friends and I planned an auction to benefit a cancer patient we knew. It's a good day to think on what love is and what it is not. This day marks two years since I escaped my last long-term relationship, which was incredibly toxic. That really changed how I look at relationships and what I want in my life. This year, I'm spending the day with amazing friends who are running after Christ along with me. It's a much better life decision than whining about not having a boyfriend or husband. Plus, there is chocolate!

Don't Be Shaken

The struggle is real.

I don't know how many times I've clicked on "new post" or opened my journal but nothing makes it onto the page. It's not like nothing is happening. January was a whirlwind month on so many levels, but nothing would come out. I even started this post a week ago and just never could finish it. I've tried so many times, I don't remember where I was going with it, so I'm just going to let it be and move on.

Maybe it's the weight of everything that happened and the words spoken that's made it hard to write about. I've felt like some big change is on its way for a little while, and that was really confirmed over the past two weeks. As I started writing this, I was streaming service from World Revival Church. Pastor Steve Gray just mentioned preparing by getting passports, which has been on my mind for a while. This is on the heels of Pastor Steve declaring at the women's conference, "The lion has roared" and Autumn really pushing the students to be more disciplined, eliminate options, and to know who we are so we won't be shaken.

Right now feels like the shakedown. So many of my friends and I have been fighting through a myriad of struggles and attacks. It sucks that it is all at the same time. It makes us harder to be there for each other when we have our own problems. It pulls us out of community, which is one of the places we draw strength. That is to be expected since we have an enemy who wants to destroy us. He isn't going to make things easy for us in the slightest. But we will overcome because Yahweh is with us. A couple things Autumn said in class last Friday that stood out were, "If it's too hard, you haven't grabbed a hold of the strength of the Lord and you are doing it wrong" and, "If you've decided who you are and who your trust is in, you will not be shaken." Of course, that night, Pastor Eric introduced a new song with the line, "shake everything that can be shaken." The classmate I sat with and I could not get through the line without giggling. (Of course, as I wrap this post up, the church is singing it again.) Pastor Tom's sermon hit on a lot of the major points from the week's classes, affirming everything we had been talking about. Something big is coming... the season is changing. But in order to get to the change, we have to fight to hold on... fight to stand our ground. We will not be shaken.

2014: The Rough Ride

It's that time of year where everyone gets all nostalgic about the previous 12 months, myself included. Maybe that's because I have to write a bunch of top (fill in the blank) stories for work, or maybe it's just natural to look at how you got to this point when something comes to a close. Writing this year in review type post is something I've done every year since middle school, but this year, part of me doesn't want to look back on the mess that it was.

Today marks a year since my last post on my "Ginger Journalist" blog. It was doing the exact same thing, looking back. A similarity between the 2013 and 2014 is how a song I listened to at the beginning of the year really played out in my life. Last year, it was "Weightless" by All Time Low. This year, my first Facebook post was lyrics to "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. That was right before things got crazy, and I had no idea that it would start to happen.

To say 2014 started off on the wrong foot would be putting it lightly. My apartment flooded on January 1st. I ran over myself with my own car on January 2nd. Two people I knew were murdered in January. Things deteriorated quickly at my career job, which was my whole world at the time. I dated some really fabulous guys that I met on Tinder (those words are dripping with sarcasm... the app isn't worth it most of the time) and my family finished moving away. The first few months destroyed me, but it was only setting me up for the 180 that started in the middle of May. But that transformation forced me into the most difficult decision of my life: follow my career and move or follow God and stay. It seems pretty obvious, but it stressed me out for weeks. 

It's slightly amusing to compare what I wanted from 2014 to what actually happened. I wanted to be a part of a book club, which I did start, but it ended when I quit drinking. The epic birthday party I imagined at the beginning of the year didn't quite go how I thought, but that also involved being sober. I wanted to learn to like wine. Didn't happen.  Scrapbook, draw, or go to the gym? Nope, nope, nope. All that disappeared in the craziness of revival. My list did include finding a church and going once a month, so at least I got that covered. 

2014 did have some bright spots, like getting nominated for two more Emmy's. I didn't win either, but getting nominated is still pretty cool. I went to the theatre and KC Symphony with my dear friend, Aubree. The Doomsquad got back together (mostly) for a night to watch and celebrate a Wildcat victory over the Jayhawks. I went to a live recording of a worship album. I saw a bunch of bands live (Brandon Heath, Mandisa,Third Day, Skillet, Newsboys, Tenth Avenue North, Lecrae, Newsong, Thousand Foot Krutch, Colton Dixon, Veridia, Demon Hunter, Red). I put my friends on TV multiple times. I took my littlest sister to her first Red Wings game. I produced some fun shows complete with dancing weathermen, and handled some intense breaking news. I went to Worlds of Fun's media night with friends and coworkers. I became a member of WRC on my 25th birthday and then got involved with the media crew. Getting to learn to use a jib camera and be a technical director are pretty awesome things on their own, but to do it so others around the world can hear of God's goodness is beyond special. This year, I also moved to a bigger apartment and got a better car, which just proves that God provides for His children.

One of my favorite things from 2014 was going to Washington D.C. for the first time, then driving down to Bedford, Va., for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day invasion. My friend Monica and I got to meet some truly amazing veterans and record their stories. One day, we will get the documentary finished and share their stories with the world. I'm still in awe of those men. 

That trip was in between the first night at World Revival Church and the Encounter Conference, and that is when the Brandon Heath lyrics started kicking in. Getting to hear such powerful stories started opening my eyes to see people differently. "Give me your eyes so I can see/ Everything that I keep missing/ Give me Your love for humanity. Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted/ The ones that are far beyond my reach. Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me Your eyes so I can see." You never know what someone has been through just by looking. You have no idea what they are carrying with them. I deal with a lot of people between my main two jobs and I didn't care about who they were or where they've been. But over the past 7 months, God has been softening me up and developing more compassion in me. I've teared up more in the past couple months than I can remember in the past couple years. It's the strangest thing, but my WRC friends keep telling me it's good, and I trust them. I mean, it's hard to genuinely show God's goodness to the world when you are heartless and cold. In softening up, I'm taking a little more time with some of the people I encounter throughout the day. That's given me an opportunity to share how God changed my life, planting a seed that could become someone's harvest. You never know how your story can impact others.

My list of things to do in 2014 included make new friends, which absolutely happened at WRC. I did lose old friends in my transformation though. It sucks, but sacrifice is part of the deal. I had to give up things I used to love to make time and space for God. Those who didn't support my new path or got in the way got left behind. Sometimes I miss them and the things we used to do, but I know it's for the best. I mean really, who would have guessed I'd only watch two KSU football games this season? Not me, that's for sure. I didn't think I could give up drinking or going out with my drunkard friends, but God took that from me when I turned it over to Him.

I am truly thankful for the new people in my life. I never felt like I fit in with people before this year. Granted, there are still certain groups where I feel out of place, but it's not nearly as often as it used to be. It's so nice to be accepted because I'm quirky, not in spite of it. These friends from class and church have been there for me through all of the rough patches on the back half of the year (including the loss of three friends from college), they've jumped into shenanigans with me, joined in eating way too much junk food, laughed with me, and become people I will fight for. Several of these people have become far closer than friends, but family.

With my family gone, I now appreciate them a lot more. Who knew that would ever happen?! Getting to talk to a sibling on the phone is a serious highlight to my day. Whenever they visit, it's like an explosion of crazy. I wish they were around more, but I know we all made the right choices for ourselves. I'm supposed to be here chasing God and they need to take care of Grandpa. The 800 miles between us really make time together more valuable.

I picked "Fix My Eyes" by For King and Country as the song for my year in pictures because of its lyrics. The first half is about what you would want your younger self to know if you could go back and give advice. That's like the first half of my year where I was kinda off the rails. The second half is about knowing what you need to do and following the Lord's orders. Like Autumn said in class, your only answer is "Yes, Sir." That means fixing your eyes on Him and doing whatever it takes to reflect Jesus and become more like Him. I really love the line that says, "The things of earth are dimming/ in the light of Your glory and grace." It's a reminder that the things of this world don't even come close to what God has in store for us. My love for things of this world has been fading this year. The more I'm at church or school or reading the Bible, the more I want to do those things, instead of chase after the things I used to enjoy doing more than anything.

I haven't really thought about what I want out of 2015. I thought way too much about 2014, and look how that turned out. No matter what lies ahead, I know God is with me and He will continue to prove His faithfulness and goodness. The year of the Lord's favor is upon us.

(This post is in memory of the friends I lost in 2014: Hal Sasko, Daniel Flores, David Garrett, Darryl Blackmon, and Courtney Mooney)

One Down

My first quarter at the World Revival School of Ministry just came to an end with a final that felt like it lasted only five minutes. I cannot fathom how quickly it passed! This and other events of the day sparked a nostalgic and reflective spirit. I haven't had time to really write much this quarter, even though there were many things I wanted to share. Let's be real, I didn't sleep or cook much. Writing about all the changes slipped down the totem pole of priorities behind homework, work, and a nap in the backseat of my car. But I wouldn't change a thing. I am still alive purely by the power of God, and loving every minute of this journey.

One of my favorite moments of the quarter happened right before our first final. You could feel the stress and fear in the room leading up to that test. Where my public university professors would have handed out the tests immediately, Heather taught us how to fight it off. We entered into a time of deep prayer and, together, commanded that spirit to leave us. After a few minutes, the atmosphere was completely different. We pulled the presence of God into that room, and man, was it awesome. The Holy Spirit guided my hand while I answered those questions. Several of us talked about not really realizing what we were writing, because the Spirit was doing it for us. I am so thankful for a school that takes that moment to really make sure the students are grasping what is really important. The grade isn't the important part. It's being able to draw strength from God whenever we need it.

It is really hard to believe that ten weeks actually happened. I could believe maybe five or six, but not ten. Looking back, there is so much change in myself in my classmates, that maybe it really was more than ten weeks. Who knows... They say time flies when you are having fun, and I think spending time in the presence of God with amazing people qualifies as fun. Even now, I'm sitting in a gym listening to some of them practice playing worship songs. I could be sleeping, but this is infinitely more fulfilling.

I've gained a whole new group of friends in my classmates. I was really quiet for the first chunk of the quarter. It wasn't until the midterm for Developing a Lifestyle of Faith class that I opened up. I remember the moment well. When we finished the test, we went into the library to wait for our next class. I sat in the corner and worked on a knitting project. Someone knocked the rubber grip off of a seat, and I said, "This is why we can't have nice things!" Everyone burst into laughter and it loosened the room up. Next thing I know, a couple girls are sitting with me in the corner chatting away and discovering all these things we have in common. In the weeks that followed, our late night Taco Bell study parties and Facebook conversations have really forged an amazing bond. These people have really grown to be my adopted siblings in Christ and I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

Since my last post, I've also experienced an amazing healing. I was moving a set of book bays at work, when the shelves collapsed. One of them slammed into my wrist. It immediately turned purple and started swelling, to the point my managers had me file my first (and hopefully last!) injury report. Typing at my main job all night was painful. I moved slowly but got through it. Then, I ran a jib camera at church, which takes a lot of thumb movement. It was incredibly painful and I couldn't feel my hand at all by the end of service. One of my friends and a prayer warrior noticed I was holding it and asked to pray. She said she could feel the warmth travel through my skin as I quickly started feeling my fingers again. The pain immediately went away and never returned, not even when I bumped walking in my door 20 minutes later. My God is so good and faithful, and I am so thankful for His healing touch!

There were so many moments in class where someone would say something amazing and I would quickly scribble the quote down in my notebook with the intent of posting it on Facebook or writing a post based off it. By the end of the class, there were too many to choose from and I would let it pass. So, now, I'm just going to blow your mind with some of the wisdom poured into me over the past few weeks in one fell swoop, plus some of the inevitable silliness that comes from a group of sleep deprived millennials.

- We GET to do the things of God. 

- "Faith can afford to let someone else have first dibs." - Pastor Kathy

- There is power in building your faith through glorifying the Lord.

- You can't choose to be offended by people and have faith.

- Don't even think about marrying someone who doesn't convict you.

- If you can't be happy with just you and God, your "Abraham" will never be enough.

- "You have a God like a very fast and powerful car. Why do you act like you are going to drive a tricycle down the highway?" - Heather

- "Please think!" "My mother didn't teach me to cook. She taught me to think! I had to Google the recipe because my mother only taught me to think!" - Pastor Kathy (The recipe was for some great chili!)

- The Kingdom of God is not a fairy tale. We act like Disney princesses in distress. We want God to be our Prince Charming and save us without any effort. Revival takes work!

- The Word of God is not weak. Our understanding is weak.

- "May the Lord strike you...... with great conviction! Ha! You thought I was going to say something else!" - Heather

- The problem isn't that the kingdom is lacking, it is the lack of asking.

- "One conversation... What do people get from you?" - Heather

- "You are not stretched. Write a book!" - Heather

- "We put God on a fast food timeline. A lifestyle of faith takes your whole life. You will never arrive until you are at heaven's gates."

- "What you whine and complain about today, you'll wish for tomorrow." - Heather

- "It is not the gospel about me." - Pastor Steve

- "A soldiers' only option is 'Yes, sir!' Giving yourself options is giving yourself the option to fail." -Autumn

- #HangryJesus - see Mark 11:14. 

- God will not rally for us if we don't rally for Him.

- "No one is upset about gossip, pride and greed because we've adapted to it and are more comfortable in the darkness than in the light." - Pastor Steve

- Some issues aren't about right and wrong, but right and more right. Are you going to use your freedom in Christ for yourself and cause someone else to stumble or are you going to share it with all? Those who live should not live for themselves.

- Sometimes, the enemy tries to engage you in a battle to wear you down, like boxing the air.

- Accept that you'll have a Judas in your life, but don't stop loving people. People will feel your guardedness and not trust you, even if you have nothing to hide.

- The secret to contentment is the presence of God.

- "A butterfly on the back will eventually be a butterfly in the crack."

- Jesus and his disciples were not Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, whistling while they worked. Jesus didn't wave a magic wand and heal people with a bippity boppity boo. - Autumn

- "When you know who you are, you don't have to defend yourself." - Autumn

- God cares how you feel, but He won't change course for it because your feelings will change as you transform into the image of Christ.

-"Jesus is the answer to everything!" - Trevor

- "That was a burp from the depths of my soul!" - Erica

- "You should talk to Danielle. She's interested in that stuff and she's awkward too." - Kelsey. "Hi... uhh... I'm going to look at the books now." - Danielle

"Thank you for letting me spank you in the Spirit." - Heather

"I think I'm going to ban Mountain Dew next time. I can tell exactly who had it." - Autumn

There were so many other moments. I might add them later.

All of these lessons and moments in service have really altered who I am. It really hit me at work today how much God has changed me over the past few months. Working in news, I deal with and see a lot of terribly graphic things. Just between today and yesterday, four people died in crashes while I was working. The one overnight into this morning involved two pedestrians getting hit by several cars and it literally tore them apart. Police couldn't figure out why the people got out of their car and walked onto the interstate. While most people would be horrified at hearing something, a normal reaction among journalists is "That's a great story!" or "Can we get the dashcam video from the cop that hit them?" Both statements were made this morning, but I couldn't join in. Even though I knew nothing about these two people, I felt a deep ache for them. My eyes welled up and the more we talked about it, the more it bugged me. It's a stark contrast to earlier this year and a couple years ago when I had to cover similar stories. I even saw one of them, yet it didn't bug me. We made our "normal" off-color jokes and went on with our day like nothing happened. But today really got to me. It reminded me of something we talked about in our "Innocence Restored" group over the summer. We talked about how the way to fix a hard and cold heart is to soak in the oil of God's presence and let Him soften it until it matches His heart. We can't really reflect His love if our hearts are like rocks. We have to be vulnerable to injury in order to really love like Jesus does. Jesus was vulnerable and died to show love. We don't have the imminent threat of death for following Christ like many other countries, and that results in a lot of lackadaisical Christians. That isn't what I want to be. Being a part of this school is really showing me how to develop a stronger faith, which requires action. As Pastor James keeps saying, God is raising up a remnant. I am so honored to be a part of this group as we grow to be God's firebrands together.

I can't wait to start the next quarter with these amazing teachers and classmates.

Pushing Through The Hard Times

I started writing something completely different, but then life happened. Yesterday was a really rough day.

I should have known something was up when ALL the junk food stashes at work were empty, including my Oreo drawer. This sounds pretty ridiculous, but it is actually incredibly rare for there to be no junk food laying around. It's how we get through the day... That and insensitive jokes.

It just seemed like one thing on top of another at work. I won't go into it, but we were not a happy bunch. Not even a little.

Midway through my shift, my dad forwarded me a tweet that one of my college friends was shot and killed overnight. I refused to believe it, scouring the web and wires for some kind of story. I called our sister station in Cleveland and had them look, but nothing. When all his former teammates started posting, I knew there had to be something to it. I reached out to a couple, which I hate doing, but my school truly means it when we say we are a family, especially among athletes.

Right before I left, my Cleveland people called to say it was confirmed. David was gone. I wasn't very close with him at all, but it still got to me. We officially met during the Black and Purple music video shoot and then chatted a bit in the weight room. He would hit on me and I'd laugh it off. We hadn't talked since he left college, but his death still got to me.

This marked the third homicide of someone I know this year. Maybe that fact got to me. Maybe it's that he was my age. He was a good dude, and hearing that someone killed him really bugged me, to the point of stupidity.

A college ex of mine just moved to town. Since he had met David, I, for some unknown dumb reason, thought it would be a good idea to hang out. Lunch was fine. Watching World War Two documentaries and knitting while we talked was fine. But, at some point, I fell asleep. I woke up, knowing Encounter service was not too far off, yet I was completely fine in not moving. I kept thinking cuddling sounded like a much more comfortable option and I could just skip church. He, of course, made a move and I realized I needed to leave and get to church immediately. While driving, I thought about skipping again, since I didnt have time to change or put on makeup or anything. But as I got closer tot he exit, I knew I needed to go. God loves me even though I look like crap. Things were already started at church, but being sad and annoyed at the world were not good enough reasons to skip church.

I made it just in time for the end of fellowship time. I walked over to one of my friends and I think she knew something was up. I told her about David that I almost didn't show. She spoke peace over me and David's family and declared that the Spirit would overwhelm me with during the service.

Boy, was she right.

Everything from the beginning of worship until dismissal was powerful and went by incredibly fast. I lost my voice singing and screaming out for God. Pastor James talked about how the list of, "if I can just have/do this, I'll be happy" will never end. The only thing that satisfies is the presence of God, and man, was it thick in that room. I could feel the weight of it. There may have been some tears, which for me is pretty unusual. But it was so good to just soak and let all the crap of the day go. And the fellowship after was great too. I have some awesome friends at WRC and I am so thankful they are in my life.

On my way home, I was thinking about how whenever I almost don't go to church, it is always really powerful. People always say things like, if God is real, why do bad things happen to good people? Well, crap happens because we have an enemy. The enemy knows the peace and power waiting for us when we spend time with God, so he tries to keep us away from it. The enemy wants us weak. But when we fight back and push harder for God, He rewards us with His presence. I feel like the more the enemy throws at me to make me want to stay home, the better that service ends up being once I shake it off and go. Last night's Encounter service was one of those nights. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are running after God in such a passionate fashion.

I am also thankful I got to know David. Rest in peace, Rat. You are missed.

Lifting Each Other Up

We all need a little correction sometime. When you are turning your life around and hanging with the right crowd again, there are suddenly a lot of people with a lot of opinions on what you are doing. Some people are just better at delivering correction than others.

A newer friend of mine took a not-so-great moment and tried to force a correction. We were mingling and eating at church before the #EncounterKC service. I don't remember exactly what led up to it, but she said, "You have got to stop. You can not be talking about Christ all day and then talk about the people making you mad."

Cue the ginger fury. I had so many things I wanted to say in response. "You do it too, so remove the plank from your own eye." "I'm doing better about it, but you wouldn't know since you met me after I returned to God." Rabble rabble rabble. But it proved that God is working in my life because He kept my mouth shut. Those who know me well know I have a bit of a temper and I don't often hesitate to tell people when they tick me off.

Yes, she has a point, but in a crowd was probably not the right time and place to address it. We went into service, and I can't tell you what happened. I was so distracted by the comment and angry thoughts.

Again, I'm not arguing the accuracy. It's been one of those things that I've been working on for a while. At the conference in June, Isaiah Saldivar said, "Gossip can send you to hell just as fast as meth." That was and still is convicting. I have a weird battle on the issue. When your job requires you to dig up details on people, which are often times less than flattering, then share them with the world, the line gets pretty fuzzy. Newsrooms are full of people with a certain curiosity and desire to know everything about everyone, and a love of talking, so it is easy to get sucked in to conversations. Plus, when something gets on our nerves, we are really good at finding a way to turn it into a story. People want to be compelled, and news junkies tend to be compelled to complain and chatter.

While on Facebook the next day, I came across one of those text photos that I really wanted to send to my friend. Again, I uncharacteristically held back.

Emphasis on the slowly straightening me out. I'm pretty stubborn, so making any change at all can be a process.

I stewed over the way it was done all day, to the point I literally got sick. Tuesday night, yes, 3 nights later, I was thinking about it while laying on the couch. I was praying about the issue while focusing on trying to breathe. The squeamish can skip down to the next paragraph... haha. So, while laying there asking God to help me eliminate the negativity in my life, doing nothing physically but breathing, my mouth suddenly filled with gunk. Not the normal sickly gunk, but a hard consistency that doesn't seem possible to have come out in such a way. Not only could I breathe again, but I felt better about the situation that was weighing me down.

A few days later, JD preached about inner problems manifesting themselves in the form of physical problems, so I'm just going to go with the chatter issue was the root of the sickness.

The friend did apologize about how she brought it up and we talked about it. We agreed that we both screwed up. I do believe her intentions were in the right place because, as she put it, we are sisters in Christ and need to keep each other in line.  Autumn reiterated the point in my Theology of Revival class when talked about school of ministry students being leaders and we need to be an example that makes people want to follow Christ. She quoted Pastor Dustin, who often says, "You can be the example or the excuse." People need to see something different in us, namely, joy. Venting frustrations with people to others is not displaying the joy of the Lord within us.

Another thing Autumn focused on in class is how everyone is compelled by something, but that doesn't mean they want to be involved in that thing. In order to break the compulsion, you have to kick out the driver and replace it with a new one. It's not like I want to be negative, but it's so easy to get sucked in. That compulsion to know what is going on and complain about the problems needs to be replaced with Christ's love.

The journey to be more like Christ is difficult and different for everyone. Really, this post is about two issues: correcting each other in the right way and spreading negativity. Both can be boiled down to, lift each other up. Correction is a good and necessary way, but it does no one any good when handled in the wrong way. Our culture has this attitude of, "don't tell me what to do," and people either ignore or blow up when they disagree. Addressing issues with kindness will improve the effectiveness of the correction. Lifting each other up with what we say creates a more positive environment and better reflects our Savior.

Distract and Attack

I started writing this post about distractions three weeks ago. Guess what happened. I got distracted every single time I started working on it. Granted, life has been pretty intense, but the irony is not lost. After questioning sharing my last post because of self-doubt, then seeing the impact it had on so many makes me think I was distracted because someone else out there needs this message as much as I did.

Those who know me in person know I have a pretty strong case of ADOS, which is attention deficit, oooh shiny! One little thing can set me off on a long string of stories or missions. While moving over the past couple weeks, I'd start packing one thing, but completely get distracted by something else and end up with nothing done. That really sucked when my friends showed up to move things and I wasn't packed... #fail.

The whole thought on distractions started when I went to a Christian rock concert featuring Red and Demon Hunter. Their opening band, Veridia, blew me away with what lyrics I could make out in the craziness of a live show. I left the show in the middle of Red's performance to go to work, where I played Veridia's EP "Inseparable" and could hear the words more clearly. This section of "Mechanical Planet" got my attention.

"So I'll distract you.

I will attack you,

And keep you focused on me.

I'll make you fall in love with deception.

You won't know what to believe."

Later on, the song brings up distractions again with a powerful point.

"The truth is

I'll work day and night

To keep the gears grinding in your mind,

To keep you from knowing you are worth more than gold,

Not some assembly-line, rusted shell of a person that I try to remote-control.

I never want you to believe

That when you're down on your knees

That someone is actually listening.

If you are undistracted for even a moment,

I'll lose my hold,

And you would notice that you have never been alone.

Never have you ever fought alone.

Never have you ever fought alone."

I hadn't really thought of distractions as an attack, but it makes sense. How many times a day do we miss getting something done because we walked into a room and saw something else that needed to be done. If you are anything like me, it is quite a few.

The next night at church, Pastor Kathy preached on hindrances and the schemes of the devil. I was running camera and not fully paying attention to the sermon, but I caught enough to know she was talking about distractions. I got the CD and it took several tries to get all the way through it. Again, with the irony! In the message, PK defined distractions as anything that takes your focus off the Kingdom of God.

This comes into play because we are in a spiritual battle all the time. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." When you wrestle someone, you don't go into it trying to lose. You find your opponent's weakness and try to exploit it. That's exactly what the devil does to us. As PK said, "We wrestle something smarter and meaner."

The difference is, the devil isn't distracted. He is focused on his purpose to destroy us. PK said, "The devil doesn't hope to hinder us. The devil plans on it." So many times, we focus on the material problems in our lives instead of the spiritual battles. Like the song says, when we are distracted and focusing on the little issues in our lives, we forget that the Holy Spirit is there to help us fight. We are not in this alone.


But this poses an interesting question: What could we do if we were focused on the Kingdom of God and not our earthly issues? If there is something in the way, it needs to go. There are so many things that can distract us in this world. Social media, TV, movies, work, friends, school, family, etc. I'm guilty of it all. There have been so many times lately where I sit there and think, "I should read my Bible," yet I lay in bed or sit on my break scrolling through a Facebook, Instagram or Twitter feed waiting on someone to post something new. Seriously, wasting time on absolutely nothing. It's time to work on weeding out those distractions so we can move forward together. Fighting against the devil's plan to hinder our mission for God won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Bye Bye, Booze

Several of my friends have asked about my decision to quit drinking because it caught them off guard. It's not like I was even close to being an alcoholic, but it was responsible for several crazy nights and bad decisions. Answering with, "because God told me to" wasn't cutting it for them, so I did some digging in the Bible.

The real epiphany moment was at the Encounter conference in June while Isaiah Saldivar was preaching. He shared about his life before Christ and how he was partying every day. When God met Isaiah at the altar, He said it would cost everything. Everything includes alcohol. I really felt convicted about drinking while sitting there that Saturday night. I made the decision to give it up for God and He took it. Today marks two months without a drink, and I don't miss it.

Facing my friends was a bit of a challenge. That was what we did together. Grab a margarita and complain about work. Down a few beers and watch football. Now, I changed the game and neither of us quite knew what to do. Some told me it won't last, but they don't understand that I am a changed person. It happened so fast, it just didn't make sense to them. A couple people talked about how the Bible doesn't say anything about not drinking. I quoted the one scripture I knew off the top of my head on the issue, which was Ephesians 5:17-18 "Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;" Well, having been filled with the Spirit, the hole I numbed with alcohol was also filled. The Holy Spirit satisfied that desire, and I started so see more of that passage happen in my life. Verses 19-20 say, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I have been singing praise songs and thanking God for everything He has done and will continue to do. As Pastor Steve says all the time, "Stick with the plan." When you stick with what God calls you to do, the rest falls into place. It just takes faith to believe it will all come to be.

While working on this post, I was also streaming live service from World Revival Church. Something Pastor Steve just said fits pretty well. "The things that wear other people are not wearing you out because they aren't important to you." I see my friends who drink struggling at work and struggling to find happiness. I'm not saying my work struggles all went away since giving up alcohol, but by following God, I have the strength and joy within me to make it through the day in decent spirits.

Surprisingly, or not, some of my Christian friends are included in the group questioning the decision to quit drinking. This quote from Isaiah hits the nail on the head: "Here's the thing: I'm a Christian and I drink. I'm a Christian and I smoke. I'm a Christian and I party. I'm a Christian and I don't live any different than anybody. You must not be a Christian because you're so radical and you're so different. So what are you? So they label us as in a cult because they don't understand that we met someone that they're talking about. They don't understand that we came into an encounter with a living God that breathes out stars." Two of my friends have actually asked if I was in an occult now because the new "rules" I live by are "no fun" and "too strict." Maybe I'm not indulging in the worldly fun anymore, but I don't miss it. Alcohol pales in comparison to the joy I've found in following God and spending time with Godly people. That alone would be enough, but then there are verses like Proverbs 23:21a, "For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty."  How many of us want poverty? Exactly. If making one little change can help fend off being poor, well, I'll take that blessing! Right away, not spending money on alcohol leaves money in my pocket to spend on more important things.

There are several other verses in the Bible that talk about not drinking. One is Leviticus 10:9m which says, "Do not drink wine or strong drink, thou not thy sons with thee." That probably explains why my parents were so upset by my drinking. Oops. Sorry, guys!

This past Friday night, Pastor Tom posed the question, if the Holy Spirit is within us, what are we subjecting him to? We have to fight our carnal, fleshly desires in order to let the Spirit operate through us. Two passages label drinking a problem of the flesh. Romans 13:13-14 says, "Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying. But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof." Galatians 5:19a and 21 says, "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God." That last part is heavy. Works of the flesh keep us from the kingdom of God and drinking is a work of the flesh. Boom. If anything else wasn't enough of a reason for me, that sure did it. Following God is worth the cost.

Again, that passage continues to give us details of how following the Spirit instead of the flesh can impact our lives right now. Galatians 5:22-24 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." I want to be a good fruit and see the fruit of the Spirit grow in my life.

These are just a bunch of reasons for how I came to the decision. Bottom line, I made the change because God told me to, and that is all the reason I need.

Encounter

About a month after I started going to WRC, the church hosted a youth and young adults conference. They announced it every week leading up to it, but honestly, I was not paying attention. The ladies kept asking me if I was going to go, and I kept saying no. One, I had to work. Two, it was the same weekend my friends were going to get married, so I was going to be partying all weekend with them. With about a week until the wedding, the bride posted on facebook that the ceremony was off. They were still going to get married, but they were going to elope to escape the family drama. I already had time off from both jobs, so, of course, I tried to plan to leave town.

The Wednesday before the conference, one of the ladies text me again, asking if I was going to go. Again, I said no. All night at work, Encounter kept coming to mind. Repeatedly, I woke up during my Thursday nap with Encounter on my mind. Finally, I grabbed my phone, bought a ticket and text Mary that I was in.

That was the best decision I could have made. Despite being exhausted Friday night after working both jobs, I left so energized by Pastor Steve's message on running the race. (This combines Friday night and Sunday morning's messages since it was a two-parter.) It was from Hebrews 12:1-2. "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Pastor Steve talked about how the key to running the Christian race is not how fast you go, but what you carry. Only so much can fit inside you. Stop carrying the worries and sins. Just go. 

Pastor Steve said giving up on our race with God is the sin (singular) that so easily entangles us, and it is so true. How many times do we slack off or straight give up when things get hard? Making the same dumb mistake repeatedly is like running into a barbed wire fence at full speed. You know it's going to hurt. You know it's going to tangle you up.You know it's going to keep you from where you are going to go. Sticking with Jesus all the time is the hard part, especially when you are around people who don't believe the same as you or aren't used to your fire. I've seen this in my own life since finding my way back to God. I barely see some people I once called my closest friends. They don't know how to handle me anymore, some going as far as saying "It's like you are a different person. I don't know who you are anymore." (I chose to take that as a compliment, even though it wasn't intended as such.) Like Pastor Steve said Sunday, "Opposition is there to wear you down."When we look at the persecution Jesus had to go through, it really puts our lives in perspective. He was beaten. He bled and died for us. Is losing a couple friends or being called crazy really that bad in comparison? I think not. Americans are pretty dang lucky in that regard.

I missed Pastor Dustin's sermon Saturday morning because I was working, and was half asleep for Pastor James' message. I remember it was good, but didn't take notes. It had something to do with raising up a remnant. I need to go back and listen to it.

Saturday night was a big night for me. Isaiah's preaching was so spot on and full of fire. Take the 75 minutes and listen to it, because I seriously can't do it justice. He talked about how organized religion can send us to hell just as fast as meth; how the problem isn't getting the fire - it's keeping the fire; how we can expect to go through everything Jesus went through while we follow him; and how we need to show proof that we are saved, not just say it. 

Something Isaiah said that really stuck out to me was that grace isn't permission to sin, but rather, it's power to overcome sin. Hearing Isaiah's story about giving up his job, fiance and partying to go after God really stuck with me. The drinking part really convicted me, but I'll save that for a post all its own.

 At the end of Isaiah's message, I was at the front in the crowd of youth and young adults. At some point, he put a hand on my head and I heard him pray for fire to fall, and boy did it. Next thing I knew, I was on my knees speaking in tongues for the first time since I was a kid in Indiana. After a while, I started to stand up and heard "school of ministry." Of course, I'm stubborn and ignored it, but it didn't go away. I let it rest on repeat in the back of my mind for a couple days before I really did anything with that.

Bottom line, my life changed at the Encounter conference. It is a journey, but I'm loving seeing how God is moving through me and around me. More to come on all of that... 

Getting Started

Call it a quarter life crisis or just growing up, but things are changing in my life. Several of my battle buddies through everything have encouraged me to write down how God is moving in my life, so here we go with the short introductory version of how I got to this point.

I have gone to church as long as I can remember and accepted Christ at a young age. As time went on, I faded away, especially during college and the first couple years on my own. When I moved to Kansas City, MO, I completely stopped going to church for a full year. My believe in God never changed, but I was not living anywhere near how I should.

Through a few small connections, I ended up at a live worship recording at World Revival Church. It was a fun night, but something bigger was stirring. The band recorded a song with the line, "Home, this is home/ where heaven screams through our bones" and it really stuck with me.

Six days later, after a big struggle at work and a couple out of state job applications, I remembered Pastor Steve mentioning Friday night services. I ended up back at WRC for my first church service in about a year. Pastor Kathy preached on listening to what God is calling each of us to be and pursuing it. I knew I needed to be in that church, but my two-job schedule didn't really allow for it. A woman who was sitting in front on me during service prayed that God would open my schedule so I could be there. Sure enough, he came through. My main job changed things around temporarily, which forced me to adjust my availability at the bookstore. It took me a couple weeks to realize that I wasn't working Friday or Saturday nights anymore, but I was freed up to go to services and community nights.

The woman who was sitting in front of me at that first service started introducing me to several other ladies. Spending time with them was amazing. They spoke so much life into me from the beginning, which I didn't realize I was missing. I feel like they were the people I needed in my life and they all fell into place at just the right moment.

This was just the beginning. God has already done so much, and I know there is a lot of big things still to come.