Valentines, Savoring Singlehood, and the Love of God

Since it's Valentine's Day, it seems like a good time to share from the plethora of relationship advice that's been flowing out at school and church. Maybe the approaching holiday that stirred the Spirit so much on the topic. That, or someone just really wasn't getting the point. As hilarious and wise as the relationship chats were, it's also been brutal. I'm ready for it to be done.

I'm going to blame Pastor James Koppang for starting this, since it is part of his class and he hit it first. His class on dating was hilarious. I didn't write down many of his quotes because I was laughing so hard. I did write down my own little piece of humor. Early on, Pastor James mention knights in shining armor not always being what they seem, so I wrote down a little gem for the lucky friends sitting next to me. (Pictured to the right.) Mad giggling ensued.

Pastor James did have some interesting thoughts on dating. He listed three things to look for.
   - 1. Do they love God in a way that makes them soft-hearted, teachable, moldable and open to God moving?
   - 2. Do you have fun together? Fun sparks are more important than the romantic variety.
   - 3. Am I somewhat attracted to them? (Because you aren't really going to care in 5 years.)

That last point ended up convicting me quite a bit later in the week. A decently good looking guy came into the bookstore I work in and bought a Bible. We talked for about 20 minutes about faith and the perception of Christians in the workplace. It was a great talk and he seemed really nice. At one point, I caught myself thinking, "if only he was taller." I have had a thing for tall guys for years, but should that really be a deal-breaker? I text one of my friends about it, "How many times have I blown off a possibly good guy because he didn't meet my shallow physical 'requirements?' I want a tall guy for entirely selfish reasons, and that isn't love." The answer is more than I really want to even think about. Attraction is important, but not an end-all, be all. In the words of Heather Eschenbaum, "Is that a man you want to raise your children with? But he's hot? Well, then, your children will be pretty punks."

Pastor James also argued against dating at all because people don't act like themselves, you can't tell if you are even friends in the cloud of romance, and it sets a pattern for divorce. One thing he said that really stuck out was, "We've got a lot of work to do on the men of our culture. Our culture really messes up girls' brains about what's worthy of being pursued." It is so true on so many levels. Just let that sink in.

Heather and Autumn's classes the next day felt like a total beat down. I thought I took notes, but apparently I didn't. It was that level crazy intense. They focused on first of all, not being stupid, as well as how rushing to get married just to be in that relationship can end up with you marrying a loser who steals your destiny. Very heavy stuff. It carried into Pastor Kathy's sermon that night, when she talked about marriage not being the goal. The goal is to get married to serve God together. I feel like girls lose track of that and put too much self-worth in marital status, myself included from time to time. It's an obnoxious cycle.

Several of us thought and hoped we were done with the relationship talk that weekend... but no. It came up again Friday in Heather's class. Heather made another perspective altering point. What if  you are single now because God wants to spend time with you? Taking time to be set apart means you aren't dating in your mind at the same time. It seems obvious, but it just isn't really done. Girls talk about guys all the time. Even in my group at school, we say all the time that we aren't dating, but yet we are still looking and talking about it.

That leads up to Pastor Kathy's sermon Friday night, where she talked about maturity in relationships and operating in the love of God, not the fluffy shallow version of love our society looks for. Of course, we focused on the characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13, which we really should be thinking about. Love is powerful, yet we throw that word around like it means nothing. We love pizza. We love a certain TV show. We say we love people in our lives, but do we really? Are we patient and kind, not just to those we are dating or married to, but to friends and strangers? Or are we jealous, proud and rude in our relationships? Are we really showing what it's like to chose to love people the way God loves us? Something to think about.

Yes, Valentine's Day is a dumb holiday, but I've never been one to really ignore it, no matter the relationship status. It's always been a good day to love on people, like in middle school, when my friends and I planned an auction to benefit a cancer patient we knew. It's a good day to think on what love is and what it is not. This day marks two years since I escaped my last long-term relationship, which was incredibly toxic. That really changed how I look at relationships and what I want in my life. This year, I'm spending the day with amazing friends who are running after Christ along with me. It's a much better life decision than whining about not having a boyfriend or husband. Plus, there is chocolate!