Ever feel like you're seeing a word pop up repeatedly in your life and wonder if you're supposed to be learning something from it? Me too. The past couple weeks has been one of those times.
In case you didn't catch it from the title of this post, I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown lately, which started this whole journey. My book club read "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" in February, and tomorrow we will discuss "Daring Greatly." Both of these books explore her research in shame and vulnerability. Yes, it's pretty heavy stuff.
At first, I was only able to acknowledge that it is good and important information. But then, I noticed that word 'shame' was showing up everywhere. It reared it's ugly head in fictional books I was reading. It popped up in class conversations. It sparked sobbing over too-close-to-home homework for one of my classes. Situations showed up and highlighted some shame issues, especially while reading "Daring Greatly". At one point, I was reading it and saw a picture in my head of someone brushing away dirt and exposing a vast web of roots. That's a picture of how shame has infiltrated my life and I had no idea how it had shaped the person I am now and the problems that have plagued me. Through all of the 'shame' pop ups, I've been trying to figure out where it all started.
The first moment that this all started clicking into place was when Dr. Brown talked about perfectionism. I have claimed that title for so long, I can't even tell you where it started. So, imagine my feeling when reading that it's a shield against vulnerability. Brown writes, "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame... Perfectionism is, at its core , about trying to earn approval... Perfectionism is a form of shame."
Well, crap.
So, I spent a few days trying to trace it back through my life to figure out why I put so much pressure on myself and how it shapes my behavior. Needless to say, I'm not fond of the results. I won't go into it in detail here since this isn't really the proper place for all that junk, but I think it goes back to childhood. That was confirmed more in the parenting chapter of "Daring Greatly" (which I almost skipped since I don't have children.)
Don't get me wrong: I love my parents (hi mom and dad!) and they did the best they knew how with us, and this is not some blog of blame, but there were certain things during those young years that left me feeling unwanted, unloved, and lacking. Somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that if I was perfect at everything, especially the things they wanted me to be good at, then maybe it would fix everything. Maybe it would make up for every problem that I always traced back to my own existence. Shockingly enough, it didn't.
Instead, it became a pattern that infiltrated every relationship in my life. Anything less than the best is a crushing weight of disappointment and shame. I felt like I was constantly letting everyone down, from family, to coaches and teammates, to coworkers, to friends, to boyfriends. That just created a shame wall between me and everyone, and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything good. It created this cycle, especially with boyfriends, where I would force myself to go along with what they wanted, be miserable, fail to be perfect, feel unloved and unworthy, we'd eventually break up, I'd feel more unworthy and unloved, so I'd lower my standards in search of someone I could be perfect for. For example, an ex of mine just popped up out of the blue. I was hit with so much shame for how people might judge me for dating that scraggly-bearded weirdo, for I let him treat me, how I failed to be the person he wanted me to be, (even though pretty early on in the relationship, my aunt pointed out that I was not being myself when he was around, which made me realize how miserable and not into him I was, but yet I stayed with him until things exploded because I was afraid that was the best I could get).
It's a whole cycle of disaster that destroyed every bit of self-worth I had. I stopped seeing value in myself as a real person. That realization slapped me in the face first in my Honor and Authority class, when Pastor Aaron said that we are all worthy of honor because we are sons and daughters of the One True King. My immediate reaction was, "Maybe you all, but not me" and I shut down for the rest of the class. A few days later, he said he was glad I was in the class and I called him a liar. Let that sink in. I called my pastor a liar for being nice. Why? Because I disagreed with him. Why? Because I didn't feel worthy.
The thought running through my head in that moment was, "Yeah, right. No one wants you around." I constantly battle that feeling, especially in class. The shame of past mistakes built a wall between me and my classmates. While there are more cracks in that barrier with some, I still battle feelings like I'm not worthy of being there or wanted. The drive of perfectionism keeps me trapped in silence for fear of being wrong or sounding stupid. Perfectionism and shame are a really strong box that suffocates everything you're supposed to be.
Friday night, Jill prayed to break familiar spirits, and this all started clicking into place. I had struggled with reading "Daring Greatly" but was finally able to finish the second half quickly. Dr. Brown teaches that vulnerability is the way to break through shame, and that is why I am writing this.
It's a step out of the box toward a new level of freedom. But it's just one step. The other big factor is allowing the Holy Spirit to show the next one, and then following the journey. It's important because the other word that's been popping up around me lately is fierce. You can't be fierce if you have locked yourself in a box of perfectionism and shame.
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